Ready to move on but when? how?

[Ready To Move On]

I am new to using "any" forum - I know that I will divorce him but "when"???

 

I have been married to him for almost 20yrs & together 23yrs. We have 2 children - almost 18 with another year to go in high school and the other almost 14 starting high school next year.

 

I have been unhappy for so many of the years of marriage & now that I am older can admit that as many of us do, I went way to fast. I got out of a very hurtful split with my ex from over 7yrs - dated a few & then found someone that "i thought i loved". I am a very loving and giving person and by fault try to help everyone all the time. I have a huge heart but sadly give more to others than I ever have myself. I stayed with him as it was secure and new and not a horrible thing. Then i got pregnant. Got married. And there you go. The reason I have never left. My son. Then my father suddenly died at the age of 49 & out of the emotions we decided we would make it work and have another child. I have NO regrets that I met this man as everything happens for a reason and I would never have had my wonderful boys without him.

 

He has been a very verbally and emotionally abusive person for so long. We were always on egg shells. After I told him I wanted a divorce the first time over 2 yrs ago he started to make some positive changes & has learned to yell less. But it is still a huge issue. He thinks that one session with a counselor for his anger was enough. There are so many reasons to get a divorce now that it is crystal clear.

 

I started to have health problems several years ago. And as of 4 months ago quite my self employment career of 8.5 yrs as I could no longer work I was so sick. I put off taking care of myself. He agreed that I needed to quite for my health as it was a VERY highly stressful job that took to much of my time and energy. I ended up in bed for the first 2-3 weeks as I was so sick. Once I quite my body just shut down and let go. I couldn't hardly move and was severely depressed as I had been for many many years. After many many efforts I am finally more stable but not yet able to work due to my ability to focus, pain, nerves, etc. Although I have found reasons behind many of my health issues there is one thing that truly is affecting my everyday life that I did not want to see or deal with.

 

I have really opened my eyes to the fact that I deserve better. That I and my kids deserve better. That I am worth someone showing me love - the same kind of love that i give to others. You see he has never been a very "open" affectionate person. But for so long now he hardly even treats me as a friend let alone his wife. When I am crying because he has hurt me with his harsh words. He never touches me, looks at me, hugs me, says nice things to me... nothing. As I tell him... he uses "wasted energy" when all he does is pick on me or at me and point out what i do wrong. We talk but he never really listens. or interacts. he just puts up with me. He just sits there. When he comes home from work he doesn't hug me, kiss me, nothing. We live like roommates that have great sex once in awhile. We are so disconnected.

 

I have grown a lot in a "spiritual" way - not religiously but spiritually. I am learning and believing much about you get back what you put out. That the words we say change how we feel. I have shared many many things with him over the last year on these new things to try and help him see what i am seeing. That we both deserve to be happy. And that if we cant do that after all these years that we deserve to move on and find happiness. Even if that means i am on my own and happy i am ok with that. Truly i am. Every time I bring myself up and try and learn more about happiness and positive energy, self worth, and try and share that with him to help him grow - he kills my path with his negativity. Constantly negative.

 

I dream about being in a new place that is JUST mine and my kids of course. That i can fill it with only love and positive energy and live a simpler life. I have realized now that I am on a healthier track (still not 100%) that a huge part of my still having some health issues is indeed my anger and resentment and sadness towards him and being with him. The minute i pull up to the house my tension builds up in anticipation of what he might say or do, the mood he will set, or what he wont do. Even if i come in nice and loving, i get nothing. This last week I had one of my best weeks yet as far as my health & happiness goes as one of my natural treatments is starting to work. And the minute I got home he shut down that happiness. And this weekend was horrible. I was in bed or crying the majority of the time as I was last weekend also. So i know that I am depressed more on the weekend because i am home with him. I grew up in a home where we always said i love you and gave hugs and kisses. I have given that to my children from day one. He grow up the opposite. But as long as we have been together if i made him happy, if he really loved me... it wouldn't be so hard to show that. To show empathy. He is like a wall. no emotions. A quick text once in a while, a nice touch or gesture once in a while. I am a very low maintenance women and don't need a lot. I just need love and affection and a place to be where there is not negative energy and anxiety. He is a big boy and can get help if he wants to or to try and improve his life as I am trying to do mine for many years now. But he has no desire to.

 

Our kids see it, hear it, and it breaks my heart. I have finally got my husband under control when it comes to the kids for the most part. meaning that he has learned how much the yelling and rudeness, etc. has effected them and that I am ALL over it if he tries.

 

Bottom line is i am divorcing him... but here is the main problems.

 

1. Because I am not working we have not been able to pay our mortgage or our chap 13 bankruptcy payment. So now they are going to dismiss our bankruptcy and we will more than likely loose the house. We "may" be able to redo it into a chap 7 and include the house if he would get off his high horse and open his eyes that there is not way out of it. That we have been fighting debt for yrs and fighting to keep this house for yrs. it is so upside down that there is not helping it.

 

So I might be able to get a job but not sure if i should right now. as of the 14th of may the bankruptcy will be over. Then we will have to find money to refile. Not sure where we will get that if i'm not working as we are barely making it. If i get a job it will put us over the income part more than likely. or if I wait until after the 14th it will prob still be the same. So then there is the "do I divorce him now" while this is happening? let the bankruptcy drop, tell them we are divorcing? will that help or hinder me for the bankruptcy part. Or do we let it foreclose? And then I am taking away my kids home they grew up in and leaving their father?

 

2nd is the kids of course. I know that there is never a right time. In my mind though I want to wait until my oldest goes to college. He went through a VERY tough time his freshman/sophmore year with depression and anxiety. He quite all sports, skipped school, ran away, & was failing school. Then we almost had him on suicide watch. Hardest time of my life.

 

He is finally doing better the last couple of yrs. Especially the last 6 months. He has all A's and B's, is playing baseball again, talking about becoming a fireman and college, smiling, laughing, etc. I am so scared that if I do this now that it will back fire and he will go backwards again. He is still working on some issues and getting help for them. I know that his dad and I are part of that but more so his relationship with his father has been very tough. So its not about holidays, etc. it is about his mental stability. I told my husband I wanted him to leave and that I had talked to an attorney (which i did) about 7 months ago. I even sat down and told the kids one by one that their dad and I loved each other but we both deserve to be happy and that we are trying very hard and have been. But if we couldn't make it work we may be splitting up. I was ready to go. Hoping they would find relief. My youngest did pretty good with it. My oldest does not talk and did not handle that well. His grades started to slip and he was starting to go the get in trouble route again. Then my husband had what i thought was a break through. Even though i had my walls up. I gave him another try as I had never seen him like that or heard him like that before. Things went really well for a couple of months. Better than the have EVER been. Then he fell right back into it. Like I am never in the room. Never around. Last on his priority list "always".

 

3rd is if i dont have a job then when we divorce i will have no money, no job, no insurance. And with my health issues i have to have insurance. I know i can find a job as I am quite qualified. But there is a lot of competition and i don't know when i should get a job in all of this.

 

There is much much more to the story including emotional cheating once and another time by him that he says nothing happened physically but I know it did. I was in one of the worst places in my life during that time and instead of caring for me he confided in another women - a women he date in high school.

 

I know that my kids need to know that it isn't ok to be treated this way. That they too deserve to be happy with their life partner one day. I dont want them thinking that it is ok to treat their future wife this way. Or that it is ok to stay in a verbally abusive relationship like this and seek out the same. As i now look back and see that is how my mom was with my dad I have to set an example.

 

But again... i know that is is right as I need to for my health and well being. But when? How? Where do i start? How do i try and convince him to try and keep it as calm as possible for the kids sake? is that even possible?

 

Please help me... any advise would be greatly appreciated!!

[2sunny]

I'm sorry for your pain.

 

To get started - file for D - then map everything out. Your timeline after filing will give you time to sort things through.

 

Keep your eyes open for opportunities to work and move.

[Ready To Move On]

Hello. Thank you for taking the time to write. I want to and know i need to file for the D but I am soooo worried about my oldest and how he will handle it. Im not sure how to handle him as he is so delicate. Im really afraid of what will happen.

[oldshirt]

Think of all things you would have to do if you got divorced or he dropped dead of a heart attack today, ie get your health under control, get a job, find a place to live you could afford, get your finances under control, get your kids squared away etc etc etc.

 

 

....and start getting those things accomplished today and check all those things off the list.

 

 

Once you've done that, file for the divorce.

[oldshirt]

Hello. Thank you for taking the time to write. I want to and know i need to file for the D but I am soooo worried about my oldest and how he will handle it. Im not sure how to handle him as he is so delicate. Im really afraid of what will happen.

 

 

 

Kids are harmed by a few things. They are harmed by abuse, addiction, abandonment/neglect and are harmed by living in toxic, tense and hostile environments. They are not harmed by the actual act of divorce per se like the church ladies want you to think they are.

 

 

Will your kids have two loving, nurturing and supportive parents and will they have a safe and hostility-free environment after divorce, even if that is in two separate houses?

[Ready To Move On]

Thank you for both replies!! I think i am ready for just that... my health is almost there so I was ready to go interview (one tomorrow). But im afraid if i get a job that they will put my bankruptcy back in place (chap 13. re payment plan) which will drop off on the 14th of May. Which makes no sense. Especially if I am ready to walk away from the house. I will make my list and see what comes first. Part of me healing is getting out of here from him so I have to do things in the right order. If i tell my attorney that we "may" get a divorce they have to notify him as they represent both of us. So I can ask them about how to handle divorce vs. job, vs. newly applying for chap 7 yet. Ug!! anyone know any lawyers? I am confident that my and my childrens lives and my husbands too will eventually improve a great deal once we just do this. He just keeps hanging on thinking he will make it work... using the kids as leverage thinking i wont go throw with it because of them. Putting that in my face. But I know what is best. Just trying to do it right now. Somehow just writing it ob here last night and replying to you guys opened my eyes that I know I "have" too and just need to figure out the steps. Agree... my health. I am going to only deal with or communicate with him when i have to. I am calling to get my oldest in to see his counselor right now actually as i have been putting that off. I will be civil but that is it. I wont call, text, or ask for attention as I know i will not get it. I will save that energy to heal myself emotionally and to get my steps in order. Thank you again!!

[2sunny]

Based on info you provide to the court - they should be able to tell you how much to expect in support money.

 

That will help when you get an idea of what to expect.