The MOM/W

[Nattie]

I wanted to start a thread to get some insight into MOM/W type scenarios. Everyone is of course welcome. We're all connected to an affair in some form or another. I will start by a recap and update of my story.

 

I'm a MW with children, involved with a MM (also has children but older than mine). Typical story. He pursued me for months, I laughed it off, didn't take it seriously. One day something happened. Fast forward almost two years. Love. As much as I love him, I can compartmentalize and am not ready to come forward and make a major change. He's finding it harder as time goes on to be with me part time... Ugh. Just ugh.

[Poppy's sister]

hi again,

 

i hate to ask...but what happens if you get found out ?

 

we NEVER thought we would....ever

 

we were....

[Mickey1982]

hi again,

 

i hate to ask...but what happens if you get found out ?

 

we NEVER thought we would....ever

 

we were....

 

 

DITTO! You NEVER EVER think it will happen to you. You think you are being SO careful. I used to tease him for being SO overly cautious. D-day....goodbye.

[Nattie]

Well.. First I have to say that I know we will get caught. I know it. I'm surprised we've gone this long without a dday. With that said, it's hard to imagine what it will be like. I will be in shock and disbelief. I genuinely cannot grasp reality and consequences until I get busted. That's been the case in other aspects of my life as well. I've always gotten away with things I shouldn't, but this is my first and only affair. I didn't think it would happen, even as everything was unfolding I was still in denial. I didn't think it would turn physical until the day he kissed me, then I held him at bay for months. Once it got sexual I went into the "just ONE more time, then I'll be done with him" type thinking. We did manage to keep it casual for quite a while, just these past few months it's been intensifying. He hasn't come out and said let's leave our spouses and be together, but he talks about the future "when we're finally together". I DO love him, but I don't know if it's affair bubble love, thrill of secrecy love etc. I'm relatively happy with the current situation, and yes I know that makes me sound horrible. I love my husband very much, in a different way. A best friend way, he's the greatest guy I know. He doesn't deserve this, I'm not denying that, I just don't know how to go about things. Leaving, ripping families apart, thinking you know what you want, it's all very complicated and some things are easier said than done.

[NotOW35]

Well.. First I have to say that I know we will get caught. I know it. I'm surprised we've gone this long without a dday. With that said, it's hard to imagine what it will be like. I will be in shock and disbelief. I genuinely cannot grasp reality and consequences until I get busted. That's been the case in other aspects of my life as well. I've always gotten away with things I shouldn't, but this is my first and only affair. I didn't think it would happen, even as everything was unfolding I was still in denial. I didn't think it would turn physical until the day he kissed me, then I held him at bay for months. Once it got sexual I went into the "just ONE more time, then I'll be done with him" type thinking. We did manage to keep it casual for quite a while, just these past few months it's been intensifying. He hasn't come out and said let's leave our spouses and be together, but he talks about the future "when we're finally together". I DO love him, but I don't know if it's affair bubble love, thrill of secrecy love etc. I'm relatively happy with the current situation, and yes I know that makes me sound horrible. I love my husband very much, in a different way. A best friend way, he's the greatest guy I know. He doesn't deserve this, I'm not denying that, I just don't know how to go about things. Leaving, ripping families apart, thinking you know what you want, it's all very complicated and some things are easier said than done.

 

 

If you KNOW you are going to have a d day, wouldn't it be easier to tell your H now? Or even do the "watered down" version that you are just not happy in the M and want to divorce? I don't get it.

[woinlove]

Ugh. Just ugh.

 

I'm relatively happy with the current situation, and yes I know that makes me sound horrible.

 

Ugh doesn't sound that happy. Thinking you sound horrible doesn't sound that happy. Exactly what do you think is so ugh about your relatively happy situation?

[Soverysad123]

Hello.

 

I can really identity with your situation. I am a MW have a family, great husband etc etc. I just love my husband like a friend. I hate sleeping with him, it feels wrong and I just cry afterwards.

 

My now EXMM also had children. He is not in a happy place at home but will stay because of the children.

 

I ended it about 6 weeks ago because of the guilt and risk of getting caught. We had NC for 8 days and then I contacted him as it was hell on earth. I had to beg and pleased with him to be my friend. I have tried hundreds of times to be more than that again but he just wants friends and then once he leaves his wife and both our children are older maybe we can be more. Next week he has taken the day off work and we are going to spend it together as friends - what does that mean?

 

Anyway I am in so much pain at the moment because I don't know where I stand. I have seen him twice since breaking up and he is normal guy that I know but he is very cold when we speak on the phone.

 

He said I was the love of his life, made it worth living etc etc. we both felt like we were sole mates. I have never felt so much for a guy before. I love him but I am MW and have children so I need to stay with my husband not that my exMM wanted anything else anyway.

 

He is phoning me tomorrow lunch time and I just want it to be that time now, which is so silly because we are now just friends.

 

Of course now that I miss him I forget about our spouses may find out which when we were together (1 year) is all I worried about that and the guilt and what I was doing to my children. Now all I can think of is will he ever want more from me again. I miss him so deeply.

[Nattie]

The ughbecause I feel bad, I am upset with myself that I fell in love. I can't truthfully say I'm "happy" with the situation but I had to pick my poison. Either keep sneaking around, or leave my H. My choice might not be right for everyone, but I'm not going to leave until I'm 100% sure I want to. If he finds out, he'll have the option to leave me, and if that day comes I will have to lay in the bed I made.

[Realist3]

I wanted to start a thread to get some insight into MOM/W type scenarios. Everyone is of course welcome. We're all connected to an affair in some form or another. I will start by a recap and update of my story.

 

I'm a MW with children, involved with a MM (also has children but older than mine). Typical story. He pursued me for months, I laughed it off, didn't take it seriously. One day something happened. Fast forward almost two years. Love. As much as I love him, I can compartmentalize and am not ready to come forward and make a major change. He's finding it harder as time goes on to be with me part time... Ugh. Just ugh.

 

What you are describing is very normal in A relationships. One person wants more(not part time) and the other person is not there yet. Ultimately each of you has to decide what is best for your particular situation and ya'll can either agree or disagree to proceed within that construct. If he can no longer stand to be part time then he will have a choice to make if you aren't ready. Many affairs end because of this very issue. One way to deal with this is ease off the affair for a time, allowing the other person's emotions to simmer down a bit.

[Realist3]

...But until then you intend to carry on having your fun...?

 

That's nothing in comparison to what your spouses will feel...

 

well, it didn't happen by magic. You made a conscious and deliberate decision to have sex with another man, that's how it happened...

 

 

so that 'just one more time' thing was a lie, obviously.

 

 

 

Er... that does mean 'let's leave our spouses and be together". What do you think it means??

 

 

It's neither. It's "i'm having such fun, this is the validation and gratification I need."

 

No, it makes you sound delusional. Sorry, but it does....

 

 

Yes, this happens a lot. Spouses become room-mates. It's entirely unfair, because they believe in spite of everything, you are still there for them 100%.

Only of course, you're not. But he doesn't know that....

 

 

ask a good friend of yours to tell your H you are having an affair, and when he questions you, don't deny it.

 

Sorted.

 

Oh, of course, you like the security and stability being married to him gives you, don't you?

 

Having an affair rips families apart.

And they're only easier said than done, because you don't want to do them. it's not difficult or impossible. But you don't want to do it, because the current existence is to your liking, and you, at least, are comfortable this way.

 

I'm trying to figure out how this pertains to the OP's issue at all. I understand what you are doing, but it really is off topic.

[Nattie]

I'm trying to figure out how this pertains to the OP's issue at all. I understand what you are doing, but it really is off topic.

 

Right. Tara, I hear you. Trust me I do. If I was weak and selfish enough to start this nonsense, a stranger grilling me online isn't going to set me straight. I just see a lot of OW's here and I wanted to get more of a MOW perspective. It's a messy situation to be in, and you very much CAN love two people in very different ways.

[sunburned]

Well.. First I have to say that I know we will get caught. I know it. I'm surprised we've gone this long without a dday. With that said, it's hard to imagine what it will be like. I will be in shock and disbelief. I genuinely cannot grasp reality and consequences until I get busted. That's been the case in other aspects of my life as well. I've always gotten away with things I shouldn't, but this is my first and only affair. I didn't think it would happen, even as everything was unfolding I was still in denial. I didn't think it would turn physical until the day he kissed me, then I held him at bay for months. Once it got sexual I went into the "just ONE more time, then I'll be done with him" type thinking. We did manage to keep it casual for quite a while, just these past few months it's been intensifying. He hasn't come out and said let's leave our spouses and be together, but he talks about the future "when we're finally together". I DO love him, but I don't know if it's affair bubble love, thrill of secrecy love etc. I'm relatively happy with the current situation, and yes I know that makes me sound horrible. I love my husband very much, in a different way. A best friend way, he's the greatest guy I know. He doesn't deserve this, I'm not denying that, I just don't know how to go about things. Leaving, ripping families apart, thinking you know what you want, it's all very complicated and some things are easier said than done.

 

 

 

Hi, Nattie. I think Tara Maiden is harsh but makes some excellent points. As for whether it is OT, hard to say since you didn't ask a question. So, that leaves your post open to just about any type of response.

 

 

I am an xMOW (with kids) myself. My A was brief so I'm not trying to liken our situations, but from what I can tell NO ONE is prepared for Dday. You are almost flippant in the way you say you'll be in shock and disbelief. You are probably right, but I think you are not comprehending the depths and not just of your own, but of your spouse's. You say you love him as a BF, so just imagine his pain, his face crumbling, his tears. Also, consider Mickey's posts in recent weeks. Her A ended very abruptly despite her impression it was a great love affair that had lasted more than 3 years. Your AP's reaction is another wildcard. If he is busted out of the blue, he may react much differently than you think. If he is caught and loses the respect of his children, he may be a broken man.

 

 

There was another thread recently about someone leaving his W for his AP, but returning to his W when his adult children wouldn't speak to him anymore. You said your own children are younger. But imagine what getting caught in an affair would do to them. Don't assume your H will keep it a secret. I cannot presume to weigh in on whether you should confess as I didn't, but you should stop the A. I don't recommend NC as a game, but maybe (at a minimum) you need to impose a couple months of it to see how you both really feel. You say yourself you're not sure whether it's real love or an affair bubble. Having been there myself and having the gift of hindsight, I can say my own sitch was a lusty, flirtatious escape. With time and distance, I know it wasn't anything more.

 

 

Yes, I do think you can love two people at once. But you can't carry on with both when you're married to one! Please don't sit like a bump on a log waiting for fate (Dday) to intervene. Make the tough decision and take control yourself. Best of luck.

[jwi71]

Right. Tara, I hear you. Trust me I do. If I was weak and selfish enough to start this nonsense, a stranger grilling me online isn't going to set me straight. I just see a lot of OW's here and I wanted to get more of a MOW perspective. It's a messy situation to be in, and you very much CAN love two people in very different ways.

 

Interesting.

 

You claim to love both yet you don't seem to treating either terribly well. How do your actions align with what you say?

 

If you love your H - and you admit you are likely to get caught - why care so little for the pain you will cause him? And you seem so blase about it. I mean, fair enough if you want to see how green the grass is over there with the AP - but why devastate your H in the process? That's what I can't reconcile - your love for H and your willingness to subject him to this abuse (of dday). Why not leave now?

 

You claim to love the AP - but won't commit to him. Instead, you keep him around just in case you decide to leave. Well, when might you make such a decision? Do you believe your inaction in that is beneficial or hurtful to him? Yet, you love him? How? If you decide to stay M - will you inform your AP that you aren't leaving?

 

How do YOUR actions speak of love for anyone?

[Nattie]

Interesting.

 

You claim to love both yet you don't seem to treating either terribly well. How do your actions align with what you say?

 

If you love your H - and you admit you are likely to get caught - why care so little for the pain you will cause him? And you seem so blase about it. I mean, fair enough if you want to see how green the grass is over there with the AP - but why devastate your H in the process? That's what I can't reconcile - your love for H and your willingness to subject him to this abuse (of dday). Why not leave now?

 

You claim to love the AP - but won't commit to him. Instead, you keep him around just in case you decide to leave. Well, when might you make such a decision? Do you believe your inaction in that is beneficial or hurtful to him? Yet, you love him? How? If you decide to stay M - will you inform your AP that you aren't leaving?

 

How do YOUR actions speak of love for anyone?

 

I know it doesn't look like it, but I do love them both. I don't think my H and I will stay married forever, but if I leave him it's going to be because I'm not happy and am ready to separate, not for my AP. I realized I was falling for MOM when I tried to end things and couldn't follow through. I can't hurt him, it crushed me, but he's very realistic. Neither of us give ultimatums, timelines or ask the other when and if we're going to be together. I met him and began this relationship while he was married, if there ever came a time when I couldn't handle him being married, I would have to walk away. Same for him. I've never given him false hope, and just because someone can't bring themselves to walk away from a marriage doesn't mean they don't love that other person. People here act like leaving a spouse is as simple as a trip to the store or something. Kids, bills, schedules, pets, extended family all play a huge part in things. I'm not getting into that mess until I'm ready to, and I may never be ready, who knows. If he catches me and doesn't give me a choice in the matter, I accept responsibility and will take what I had coming.

[Nattie]

MOM is getting more emotionally attached, but I honestly don't think he'd leave his wife right now either.

[Striver]

I know it doesn't look like it, but I do love them both. I don't think my H and I will stay married forever, but if I leave him it's going to be because I'm not happy and am ready to separate, not for my AP. I realized I was falling for MOM when I tried to end things and couldn't follow through. I can't hurt him, it crushed me, but he's very realistic. Neither of us give ultimatums, timelines or ask the other when and if we're going to be together. I met him and began this relationship while he was married, if there ever came a time when I couldn't handle him being married, I would have to walk away. Same for him. I've never given him false hope, and just because someone can't bring themselves to walk away from a marriage doesn't mean they don't love that other person. People here act like leaving a spouse is as simple as a trip to the store or something. Kids, bills, schedules, pets, extended family all play a huge part in things. I'm not getting into that mess until I'm ready to, and I may never be ready, who knows. If he catches me and doesn't give me a choice in the matter, I accept responsibility and will take what I had coming.

 

Does your H have the right to do what you are doing now? Try out another woman via affair, to see if he's still happy in the marriage? Act like you are acting? You have options now: quit the affair, lobby for an open marriage, divorce. Would you have your H make the same decisions you are making? It only seems fair.

 

Offering to "take what you have coming" isn't equal treatment.

[DKT3]

I was just reading on the infidelity side where the BH found out and wants to divorce, she then told the AP about it and he turned his back on her as well.

 

In my own situation, my exWW also thought she was ready to lay in the bed she made. Until she was served. Then she was doing all she could to win me back.

 

Point being, we all have a plan and think we know how we will react. Once the fallout happens only then will you truely understand what's important.

 

Problem is by then you no longer have control.

[forbidden_love]

Reading a lot on here, it would appear that the betrayed Hs are less forgiving. Although they may forgive initially, later on they are tortured with images of you having sex with OM. I was in the same position but was found out, by which time I was so in love, could not leave mm. Still don't regret it, but the pain is phenomenal.

[Nattie]

Does your H have the right to do what you are doing now? Try out another woman via affair, to see if he's still happy in the marriage? Act like you are acting? You have options now: quit the affair, lobby for an open marriage, divorce. Would you have your H make the same decisions you are making? It only seems fair.

 

Offering to "take what you have coming" isn't equal treatment.

 

I would be perfectly fine with my H having an affair, I don't have that overwhelming need for him to want me and only me for the rest of our lives. I'm emotionally detached because of MY affair, so that could be a big reason why. I would be more upset if MM started seeing someone new than if my H picked up a side fling.

[Sub]

Reading a lot on here, it would appear that the betrayed Hs are less forgiving.(

 

I'd disagree. I'd actually give a slight edge to BH's being more willing to R. I don't know if I'd use the term "forgiving", though.

[DKT3]

I would be perfectly fine with my H having an affair, I don't have that overwhelming need for him to want me and only me for the rest of our lives. I'm emotionally detached because of MY affair, so that could be a big reason why. I would be more upset if MM started seeing someone new than if my H picked up a side fling.

 

If this is the case then why not just let him go so he can find someone who loves him above all others the way you love OM. Why hold him hostage?

[Sub]

I would be perfectly fine with my H having an affair.....

 

I would be more upset if MM started seeing someone new than if my H picked up a side fling.

 

 

I'm wondering if you truly feel this way, or maybe convincing yourself of this because of the guilt. An A isn't just about dealing with the other person wanting someone else, either physically or emotionally. How would you feel about the deception involved, your H lying to you?

[Poppy's sister]

i have kept quiet so far when posts have been made on various threads i am on about people in affairs ( esp women) needing to let their spouses go.

it commonly seems to be thought that we the wandering spouse is an awful person and we should let our poor spouses go to find someone who loves them properly as clearly we dont.

 

well i have bitten my internet tongue enough...

 

What if the scenario is not a poor innocently adoring husband at home being lied to and decieved by scheming adulterous wife ????

What is the cheating partner has a reason for doing it ???

Does the betrayed spouse hold some responsibility ???

 

My situation is this ( and feel free to come on an tell me i am still a bad person ) i married my husband 20 yrs ago, 8 years ago HE unilaterally decided our marriage was to be celibrate. I find discussing these things hard ( very reserved english of me i know) so left it for a year or two...he gradually became more and more withdrawn from me. I became more an dmore unhappy...during a row about my attitude in which he said he couldnt stand living with me anymore , i asked him why he never touched me anymore ...he said he didnt know if he loved me and he had no sexual feelings. He then left it and we carried on ....6 months later he said he thought he would never have sexual feelings for anyone, male or female but liked our life, our house, he didnt want to disrupt anything ( of course not...he has lovely wife, chidlren, home and i earn a lot of money) so we should just carry on as we were. I do not want my childrens' lives disrupted, my husband is an excellent father, we do not row about anything any more, we do stuff as a family occasionally and we are basically on the surface like many other families.

So i am providing what he needs ...appearences, stability, a great lifestyle. He meets very few of my needs....so having an affair seemed the answer...only of course my AP and I couldnt compartmentalise things and fell in love and now we can see how life together would be all of the things we want.

 

But what do I say to my children...mummy is shattering your happy home because Daddy doesnt want sex anymore ???

[Sub]

But what do I say to my children...mummy is shattering your happy home because Daddy doesnt want sex anymore ???

 

Yes, but you're assuming you HAVE to put it that way. There are a hundred better ways to discuss it than that. Plus, it's apparently not just about sex. Your kids deserve to see their mother happy, and their parents being loving towards each other. Is it really a happy home? To allow it to go on this long is on both of you as parents, IMO. Don't be a martyr. You have choices. He can be an excellent father on his own. It happens often.

[Poppy's sister]

i can see what you mean.

and thankyou for your post which wasnt unpleasant

I can see that i am as guilty as my husband for perhaps wanting to keep things as they are and have something else too.

The problem was that in height of affair , i was happy...very happy, and everything seemed doable...my husband and i are not overly unhappy, we are like , i imagine a lot of couples, jogging along ok. we are good friends, we still laugh and talk all together round the dinner table.

But you are right , now of course i want to choose that with AP...but being a coward about it.