The MOM/W

[Nattie]

I'm wondering if you truly feel this way, or maybe convincing yourself of this because of the guilt. An A isn't just about dealing with the other person wanting someone else, either physically or emotionally. How would you feel about the deception involved, your H lying to you?

 

You know what, I have to be honest here. That doesn't phase me a whole lot. Everyone lies, I've lied to him and I'm sure he's lied to me a few times over the years. What I don't know isn't going to hurt me... But I'm really very strange when it comes to that type of thing, and I think that stems from childhood experiences. I am completely unaffected by things that would really hurt the average person. As long as he doesn't give me a disease, or bring strangers around my children I would be fine with him having a side life. He doesn't share this mentality obviously.

[Striver]

You know what, I have to be honest here. That doesn't phase me a whole lot. Everyone lies, I've lied to him and I'm sure he's lied to me a few times over the years. What I don't know isn't going to hurt me... But I'm really very strange when it comes to that type of thing, and I think that stems from childhood experiences. I am completely unaffected by things that would really hurt the average person. As long as he doesn't give me a disease, or bring strangers around my children I would be fine with him having a side life. He doesn't share this mentality obviously.

 

If he doesn't share the mentality then you need to make a decision. He deserves a fully committed romantic partner. You and he are going to be co-parents regardless. Either end the A and refind the love for him you once had, or divorce and move on.

[seren]

Nattie, if you are OK with your H seeing someone else, have you thought about talking to him about an open marriage?

[Goodbye]

Nattie, if you are OK with your H seeing someone else, have you thought about talking to him about an open marriage?

 

 

That's what I've been wondering when reading Nattie's story.

[Nattie]

He would never go for an open marriage. for me, I would prefer that kind of arrangement for now, but it wouldn't prevent the inevitable. I do eventually want a divorce, I'm just trying to work up the courage to get the ball rolling. And for the record I wanted to separate before MM came into the picture.

[Striver]

He would never go for an open marriage. for me, I would prefer that kind of arrangement for now, but it wouldn't prevent the inevitable. I do eventually want a divorce, I'm just trying to work up the courage to get the ball rolling. And for the record I wanted to separate before MM came into the picture.

 

Not trying to bust you, Nattie, but back in June of last year you said you had zero intention of leaving your husband and you were already involved with MM.

 

It's your life, you have 100% control of your actions. Just want to make sure that your situation is clear in your own head before you make any major decisions or have them made for you.

[Nattie]

Not trying to bust you, Nattie, but back in June of last year you said you had zero intention of leaving your husband and you were already involved with MM.

 

It's your life, you have 100% control of your actions. Just want to make sure that your situation is clear in your own head before you make any major decisions or have them made for you.

 

Ohh you're absolutely right! I'm not denying that. MM and I have been involved for quite a while now and for at least the first year, I had no intentions of leaving my H, it was a physical affair but I went against my own head and I fell in love with him. He's (mm) is starting to want to figure out what we're going to do. I didn't think he'd leave his W either and I probably wouldn't be convinced until they were officially divorced, but he's the one bringing it up and wanting to discuss leaving our spouses. I love him so much, I just don't know if I have the courage to walk away from everything I've ever known. I've been with H since I was a teenager. He's an emotional security blanket, but I know this isn't the type of relationship he deserves.

[QuakerOats]

i have kept quiet so far when posts have been made on various threads i am on about people in affairs ( esp women) needing to let their spouses go.

it commonly seems to be thought that we the wandering spouse is an awful person and we should let our poor spouses go to find someone who loves them properly as clearly we dont.

 

well i have bitten my internet tongue enough...

 

What if the scenario is not a poor innocently adoring husband at home being lied to and decieved by scheming adulterous wife ????

What is the cheating partner has a reason for doing it ???

Does the betrayed spouse hold some responsibility ???

 

My situation is this ( and feel free to come on an tell me i am still a bad person ) i married my husband 20 yrs ago, 8 years ago HE unilaterally decided our marriage was to be celibrate. I find discussing these things hard ( very reserved english of me i know) so left it for a year or two...he gradually became more and more withdrawn from me. I became more an dmore unhappy...during a row about my attitude in which he said he couldnt stand living with me anymore , i asked him why he never touched me anymore ...he said he didnt know if he loved me and he had no sexual feelings. He then left it and we carried on ....6 months later he said he thought he would never have sexual feelings for anyone, male or female but liked our life, our house, he didnt want to disrupt anything ( of course not...he has lovely wife, chidlren, home and i earn a lot of money) so we should just carry on as we were. I do not want my childrens' lives disrupted, my husband is an excellent father, we do not row about anything any more, we do stuff as a family occasionally and we are basically on the surface like many other families.

So i am providing what he needs ...appearences, stability, a great lifestyle. He meets very few of my needs....so having an affair seemed the answer...only of course my AP and I couldnt compartmentalise things and fell in love and now we can see how life together would be all of the things we want.

 

But what do I say to my children...mummy is shattering your happy home because Daddy doesnt want sex anymore ???

 

 

No, you don't say "mummy is shattering your happy home." You say "Mom and Dad have different needs and desires for the future, so we are going to be separating, but you need to know you are loved and we will work together to have your needs met." I'm suspecting if the two of you are unhappy enough that 1) your H declared unilaterally the home is to be celibate and 2) you've gone off with another man, that you both can agree that it is over and you need to co-parent your children who are not part of your sex lives.

[QuakerOats]

He would never go for an open marriage. for me, I would prefer that kind of arrangement for now, but it wouldn't prevent the inevitable. I do eventually want a divorce, I'm just trying to work up the courage to get the ball rolling. And for the record I wanted to separate before MM came into the picture.

 

 

He might go for an open marriage if he knew you were already have sex with others.

[DKT3]

Not trying to bust you, Nattie, but back in June of last year you said you had zero intention of leaving your husband and you were already involved with MM.

 

It's your life, you have 100% control of your actions. Just want to make sure that your situation is clear in your own head before you make any major decisions or have them made for you.

 

Classic rewriting. She is so deep into the "fog" she has no clue what's going on.

 

My biggest fear for Nattie is she ruins her marriage for a guy who ends up not being close to the guy she believes him to be. She is totally willing to walk away from her marriage as soon as OMM leaves his marriage.

[Nattie]

Classic rewriting. She is so deep into the "fog" she has no clue what's going on.

 

My biggest fear for Nattie is she ruins her marriage for a guy who ends up not being close to the guy she believes him to be. She is totally willing to walk away from her marriage as soon as OMM leaves his marriage.

 

Not sure where you got that from, but OK. You're entitled to try and assess a situation you don't know much about. I know MOM very well and HE is more likely to leave his W than I am my H. He's been separated before, he's not afraid of it. I struggle with change.

[Hope Shimmers]

Classic rewriting. She is so deep into the "fog" she has no clue what's going on.

 

My biggest fear for Nattie is she ruins her marriage for a guy who ends up not being close to the guy she believes him to be. She is totally willing to walk away from her marriage as soon as OMM leaves his marriage.

 

Wow... how do you know anything about her situation? It sounds like you are just throwing out words and phrases you've read on the forum. How do you know she has "no clue what's going on"? Further, how do you know that she is "totally willing to walk away from her marriage as soon as OMM leaves his marriage"? Telepathic, maybe?

[Striver]

Wow... how do you know anything about her situation? It sounds like you are just throwing out words and phrases you've read on the forum. How do you know she has "no clue what's going on"? Further, how do you know that she is "totally willing to walk away from her marriage as soon as OMM leaves his marriage"? Telepathic, maybe?

 

I brought it up, and I was just pointing out that Nattie's comment that she was willing to separate before she met MM was not consistent with what she posted last year.

 

As I said, it's Nattie's life and none of us presumably know her personally. Whatever her decisions, I think such decisions work out best when all parties concerned are honest with themselves.

 

I would guess that the longer an affair lasts, the greater the intimacy and connection between APs because they know the truth of their lives and the SOs don't. Once D-Day happens MOM or MOW no longer has that advantage.

[DKT3]

Wow... how do you know anything about her situation? It sounds like you are just throwing out words and phrases you've read on the forum. How do you know she has "no clue what's going on"? Further, how do you know that she is "totally willing to walk away from her marriage as soon as OMM leaves his marriage"? Telepathic, maybe?

 

not at all, I actually read most of what she has wrote on this site not just what she wrote on this thread.

 

She started out saying it was just about fun, then there was jealousy, then talk of leaving their spouses which they both said they didn't want to do. Which isn't true or why talk about it. She says I don't want him to leave her, then it was if he leaves her it can't be for me. Then I'm not sure if he left it would work.

 

Reading between the lines and with her saying she wanted to leave her husband before the affair(which wasn't true) its pretty clear she is waiting to see what MOM is going to do then react accordingly. If he leaves she leaves, if he stays she stays.

 

Her husband is at best a backup plan.

 

Its all there in her writing.

[whichwayisup]

I love him so much, I just don't know if I have the courage to walk away from everything I've ever known.

 

And this is why many affairs just stay affairs. Not too many people are truly willing to let go of the life they created with their husband/wife that involved children, extended family, friends, etc. Though with that said, I believe that if if the marriage is rocky and not worth salvaging, one spouse wants to divorce and they will because they'd rather be on their own than stay married.

 

To start over again with someone else, and depending on circumstances too, isn't easy. To lose friendships (or know they won't be the same as before because of choosing an AP over your spouse), to lose your in laws, to have to get to know and be accepted in AP's family, let alone your own parents and other friends, that's A LOT of stresses and x's against a new formed couple that were born out of an affair.

 

Obviously it can be done, but it's not the norm.

 

Nattie if you want out of your marriage then do it regardless of what your MM does or doesn't do. Divorce because you'd rather be on your own and be independent.

 

Hate to say it, but what you share in an affair setting with your MM may not be enough for him to give up everything for you. And it seems that you for you as well.

[Hope Shimmers]

not at all, I actually read most of what she has wrote on this site not just what she wrote on this thread.

 

She started out saying it was just about fun, then there was jealousy, then talk of leaving their spouses which they both said they didn't want to do. Which isn't true or why talk about it. She says I don't want him to leave her, then it was if he leaves her it can't be for me. Then I'm not sure if he left it would work.

 

Reading between the lines and with her saying she wanted to leave her husband before the affair(which wasn't true) its pretty clear she is waiting to see what MOM is going to do then react accordingly. If he leaves she leaves, if he stays she stays.

 

Her husband is at best a backup plan.

 

Its all there in her writing.

 

The point is -- in my opinion -- don't judge, if you aren't asked to do so in the thread. These are just posts on a forum and there's NO way anyone can ever truly evaluate someone else's situation just from a few posts. So it's not "all there in her writing". No conclusion can be reached by anyone here. No one's situation can be judged such as you have done. I am guessing you feel the same way about your own situation as posted - you are the one who knows more than posters.

[Nattie]

I understand what everyone is saying. Trust me, I don't even know what I want a lot of the time. It's a very twisted situation and I didn't take it seriously for a long time. As far as my H goes, I have wanted to leave him many times over the years but because of the kids I feel trapped. It had nothing to do with MM. If I could go back I never would have gotten married. I love him, but not in the way he deserves. I know I should stop being a selfish baby and let him go move on, but the last time I did tell him I wanted to split (before mm) he wouldn't let it happen. He begged, got my family involved... My own mother sided with him, if I left I would have to do it with zero support. MM started up not long after I decided to stay with H and in the beginning things were actually good. I had a forbidden secret on the side, and H was happy at home. I had absolutely zero plans to leave H, certainly not for MM. Now tables have turned, when I tell you MM and I are in love, we are IN LOVE. We're trying to figure out how to go about things, what to do. He knows I'm not quite ready to come clean and separate and so far is being patient with me, but I can see it gets harder for him all the time.

[QuakerOats]

Why do you think you wouldn't have support? That is what the court is for. Cheating does not take away child support/alimony. I think everyone would be happier and healthier (kids included) if there was a little more honesty in your situation. Just because you can pull off having sex with your H doesn't mean your M is functional. I'd suggest asking your H to go to counseling with you and in that setting, tell him that you very much need to end the marriage. Rebuild your lives separately. Yes, it will be bad for a while, but living authentically will be a relief.

[gettingstronger]

Yes, it will be bad for a while, but living authentically will be a relief.

 

 

 

And this could be the answer/last line on nearly every post in both this and the infidelity section-

[DKT3]

The point is -- in my opinion -- don't judge, if you aren't asked to do so in the thread. These are just posts on a forum and there's NO way anyone can ever truly evaluate someone else's situation just from a few posts. So it's not "all there in her writing". No conclusion can be reached by anyone here. No one's situation can be judged such as you have done. I am guessing you feel the same way about your own situation as posted - you are the one who knows more than posters.

 

Its been pointless from my first day here to debate anything with you, its like a pure hate totally indifference thing we have.

[Nothisgirl]

"

Yes, it will be bad for a while, but living authentically will be a relief."

 

 

And this could be the answer/last line on nearly every post in both this and the infidelity section-

 

X 1000

There's a lot to be said for living an authentic life

[Owl]

I understand what everyone is saying. Trust me, I don't even know what I want a lot of the time. It's a very twisted situation and I didn't take it seriously for a long time. As far as my H goes, I have wanted to leave him many times over the years but because of the kids I feel trapped. It had nothing to do with MM. If I could go back I never would have gotten married. I love him, but not in the way he deserves. I know I should stop being a selfish baby and let him go move on, but the last time I did tell him I wanted to split (before mm) he wouldn't let it happen. He begged, got my family involved... My own mother sided with him, if I left I would have to do it with zero support. MM started up not long after I decided to stay with H and in the beginning things were actually good. I had a forbidden secret on the side, and H was happy at home. I had absolutely zero plans to leave H, certainly not for MM. Now tables have turned, when I tell you MM and I are in love, we are IN LOVE. We're trying to figure out how to go about things, what to do. He knows I'm not quite ready to come clean and separate and so far is being patient with me, but I can see it gets harder for him all the time.

 

Nattie, it seems to me that there's a simple solution to get all that you want out of all of this.

 

Next time you log into LS, come to this thread...then walk away and leave your browser open to it for your H to read.

 

I doubt there'd be much need for further discussion beyond that, other than sorting out custody and finances. You'd be freed up to be with OM if he chooses to be with you, your marital situation will likely resolve itself with a quickness, and there should be little resistance to ending the marriage from your H or his family at that point.

 

You noted that you know you're going to get caught.

 

I can't think of a better way than to let your H read your true feelings towards him, the marriage, and your relationship with OM.

 

That's precisely how I learned of my wife's EA, btw. I suspected, did some snooping, and voila...several days of IM sessions available for reading.

 

Our marriage was in a different place, and we both chose to reconcile.

 

But one way or another...this seems to me to be the best/quickest way to achieve your goals.

[Striver]

I understand what everyone is saying. Trust me, I don't even know what I want a lot of the time. It's a very twisted situation and I didn't take it seriously for a long time. As far as my H goes, I have wanted to leave him many times over the years but because of the kids I feel trapped. It had nothing to do with MM. If I could go back I never would have gotten married. I love him, but not in the way he deserves. I know I should stop being a selfish baby and let him go move on, but the last time I did tell him I wanted to split (before mm) he wouldn't let it happen. He begged, got my family involved... My own mother sided with him, if I left I would have to do it with zero support. MM started up not long after I decided to stay with H and in the beginning things were actually good. I had a forbidden secret on the side, and H was happy at home. I had absolutely zero plans to leave H, certainly not for MM. Now tables have turned, when I tell you MM and I are in love, we are IN LOVE. We're trying to figure out how to go about things, what to do. He knows I'm not quite ready to come clean and separate and so far is being patient with me, but I can see it gets harder for him all the time.

 

I appreciate the detail of your post.

 

I am concerned about a level of passivity I detect in your relationships. You were unhappy in M before, but H convinced you to stay, lobbying with your own family. Now your AP is characterized as someone who pursued you really hard for a year before the A began. It kind of seems to me you would be exchanging one man driving your relationship for another.

 

To learn something from all of this, I think you need to identify specifics about your H and you, your AP and you, why H and you can't work because of past history, different temperments, whatever. What's better about AP or some other man in the future that you have yet to meet.

 

I would also plan for the fact that AP and you probably won't have a future together, and if you divorce, you will be on your own until you start some other relationship. The statistics are against you, you seem to have family against you, and I'm worried you will expect AP to do all of the heavy lifting when he has his own marriage and family to deal with. Plus your relationship has never existed outside the intimacy and fun of the affair cocoon.

 

Good luck with your situation and decisions.

[whichwayisup]

Originally Posted by Hope Shimmers

The point is -- in my opinion -- don't judge, if you aren't asked to do so in the thread. These are just posts on a forum and there's NO way anyone can ever truly evaluate someone else's situation just from a few posts. So it's not "all there in her writing". No conclusion can be reached by anyone here. No one's situation can be judged such as you have done. I am guessing you feel the same way about your own situation as posted - you are the one who knows more than posters.

 

Giving one's opinion and thoughts on what nattie should do is not judging her.

 

With that said, when people post about their lives on a public internet forum, they should be prepared for any type of feedback, as long as it's respectful and within guidelines of the site.

 

Nattie, take an opportunity to do family counseling now, learn how to co parent with your H and start talking to him about separating and divorcing. To live a lie for the sake of your kids when you do not love your H isn't fair and it's teaching your kids how a marriage/relationship should be - Obviously what you share with your husband is not deep love, nor it is long lasting. Your kids can adjust with the changes in a healthy way with love, support and counseling, and also having two parents co parenting well together as friends.