Am I a jerk for telling my husband he should lose weight?

[lmyya]

Last night I told my husband that maybe he should exercise. He asked, "So I'm too fat for you?" I said, "No, but I think it would help your health and our love life if you exercised. You put on a lot of weight pretty suddenly a while back, and you look different than before." He asked me to leave the room-- now I think I hurt his feelings.

 

Context: My husband was a vibrant and very good-looking man 10 years ago. I have always been thin as are all my family, and I also enjoy running and hiking and, while I don't consider myself a preoccupied health nut, I want to live a reasonably long life.

 

My husband is 40. He smoked for years, used to drink too much, and has never, ever exercised regularly. The only exercise he got in the past was the occasional trip to the ski slopes, or maybe if you consider sailing exercise he's done some of that in the past, and in college he probably walked a fair amount. About 5 yrs ago he smoked a lot of weed and put on about 30 lbs. It shows in his face and ages him, and he continues to eat very poorly and spends a lot of time lounging around with his ipad, not even sitting, but lying on the couch or in bed.

 

Now, I don't mind a guy who is on the larger side or is even a little overweight. I've certainly had crushes on men with what you might call an "average" figure, not very in-shape. But my husband's weight gain was sudden and it just looks very unhealthy. He is now barrel-chested and his gait is labored. He also has stopped grooming, will not care for his teeth or floss, and he has this annoying scraggly grey beard (his hair is gorgeous and not grey)-- he looks homeless and physically and mentally ill and at least 50! Of course I didn't tell him that. He is a handsome man and anyway I wouldn't leave him over his looks, but I thought I might say something.

 

Well, now I feel like a jerk and want to make him feel better about what I said, if possible.

[somedude81]

You didn't do anything wrong at all.

 

The problem is obviously your husband.

 

It sounds like he has some pretty deep issues. I'm also sure that he is aware of the weight he has gained and does feel bad about it.

 

This is much more about him than you.

[MidwestUSA]

If you're divorcing him, it doesn't really matter if he lets himself go, does it?

 

He's unemployed and abusive among other things, and you've justified leaving him.

 

 

Did you ask for the divorce yet? Why the concern now? What's changed in the last three days?

[Dean13]

Putting on a little weight is one thing, but I can't think of one reason to stop brushing your teeth and flossing. Ew. That would probably have been my first complaint, then work my way up to losing weight.

[Zahara]

I'd have more issues with the brushing teeth and flossing.

[atlg8r]

I don't think it's wrong to ask your partner to consider his health, because after all, you both said "til death do us part" and "in sickness and in health". I also do not think it's unreasonable to request personal hygiene be maintained.

 

My only concerns are

 

1. How did you ask him? If it's the first time you brought it up, were you cold and insulting, or did you tell him you are concerned about his health (not as much his appearance)?
   
2. It sounds like he's been unhealthy much of the time you've dated or known each other. It seems a little silly that you choose now to become concerned about it. I'm not sure how you decided you wanted to marry someone who didn't share similar lifestyle in regards to health and wellness.
   

[Standard-Fare]

Has this been a repeated point of contention for the two of you? Because it sounds like your lifestyles have been very different from the start. You say he used to smoke and drink a lot, and he's never really exercised. So you knew this about him going into things.

 

If this has just started to bother you RECENTLY, why is that?

 

Is that the bad habits are finally starting to catch up on his physical appearance? If so that seems a little superficial if you've always accepted him for who he is and all of a sudden you're like "Wait, no" now that you see a physical difference?

 

Or is that something inside YOU has snapped where you no longer feel tolerant of his lifestyle choices? If so, why do you think you've had that change of opinion?

 

I completely understand your feelings here, but I wonder how realistic it is to expect big changes from him if he's always been this way. I certainly don't think you can just expect him to transform himself immediately according to your desires.

[lmyya]

m you are concerned about his health (not as much his appearance)?

[*]It sounds like he's been unhealthy much of the time you've dated or known each other. It seems a little silly that you choose now to become concerned about it. I'm not sure how you decided you wanted to marry someone who didn't share similar lifestyle in regards to health and wellness.

 

Fair enough, but then what? He says he wants to rekindle our love life. But I am simply not very attracted to him anymore. I am not a person who believes in, "You should have known, so now, put up with it." At least not in marriage. Whoever's "fault" a thing is, the thing must still be dealt with. Whatever happened in the past, we still have to take care of the future. I don't think eithre he or I would want to live in a marriage where one person is not attracted to the other but stays out of a sense of duty, because they feel they brought this on themselves.

 

But I do want to know whether what I said was too hurtful. And maybe your point is that he might be sitting there thinking, "What, she didn't break up with me a few years ago when I put on weight, why is she complaining now?" I can see that. Perhaps I should apologize to him for bringing it up.

[lmyya]

If you're divorcing him, it doesn't really matter if he lets himself go, does it?

 

He's unemployed and abusive among other things, and you've justified leaving him.

 

 

Did you ask for the divorce yet? Why the concern now? What's changed in the last three days?

 

I told him I wanted a divorce. We had some very long talks, and he would like to work on things. I think he is in earnest, but of course I don't know whether he/ we can change. We were both able to be very frank, and for the first time, he listened to my concerns about some of the abusive behavior. He didn't exactly agree and apologize, but he knows my concerns. With that in mind, I am going to give it another try.

[atlg8r]

m you are concerned about his health (not as much his appearance)?

[*]It sounds like he's been unhealthy much of the time you've dated or known each other. It seems a little silly that you choose now to become concerned about it. I'm not sure how you decided you wanted to marry someone who didn't share similar lifestyle in regards to health and wellness.

 

Fair enough, but then what? He says he wants to rekindle our love life. But I am simply not very attracted to him anymore. I am not a person who believes in, "You should have known, so now, put up with it." At least not in marriage. Whoever's "fault" a thing is, the thing must still be dealt with. Whatever happened in the past, we still have to take care of the future. I don't think eithre he or I would want to live in a marriage where one person is not attracted to the other but stays out of a sense of duty, because they feel they brought this on themselves.

 

But I do want to know whether what I said was too hurtful. And maybe your point is that he might be sitting there thinking, "What, she didn't break up with me a few years ago when I put on weight, why is she complaining now?" I can see that. Perhaps I should apologize to him for bringing it up.

 

I would just take issue if I was myself the whole time I was dating someone, he claimed to love me and want to marry me, and then we get married, only for after X amount of time, him to tell me "Yeah, just kidding, I don't really love you as you've been this whole time, and I need you to change now."

 

I wouldn't apologize for bringing it up, because regardless of how you got here, you're here. I guess instead of suggesting that he exercise, maybe you could ask him to join you for a bike ride and a picnic together, and take along a healthy lunch to share. Or, maybe ask if he wants to do some fun things like a bowling night or joining a kickball team with friends. I'd hope those would be activities that get him off the couch and allow you to spend time together doing something fun.

[lmyya]

Has this been a repeated point of contention for the two of you? Because it sounds like your lifestyles have been very different from the start. You say he used to smoke and drink a lot, and he's never really exercised. So you knew this about him going into things.

 

If this has just started to bother you RECENTLY, why is that?

 

Is that the bad habits are finally starting to catch up on his physical appearance? If so that seems a little superficial if you've always accepted him for who he is and all of a sudden you're like "Wait, no" now that you see a physical difference?

 

Or is that something inside YOU has snapped where you no longer feel tolerant of his lifestyle choices? If so, why do you think you've had that change of opinion?

 

I completely understand your feelings here, but I wonder how realistic it is to expect big changes from him if he's always been this way. I certainly don't think you can just expect him to transform himself immediately according to your desires.

 

It's not just my desires, but also my concerns. He is not healthy. I wouldn't have any problem with my husband putting on some weight and aging, of course. People age! Most put on weight. But it's the unhealthy, sudden gain, then failure to address it at all for a few years, and now his teeth and other health issues have taken a toll. I guess I figured he'd be taking care of it by now, and start exercising, like most my friends do within a couple years of their life choices catching up to them.

 

And I guess it's all the worse because he's unemployed, won't get a job, doesn't have a bank account because of some debt he won't pay, and generally does not take care of his future. If he was chubby and healthy and demonstrated some care for his future, then I don't think I would have a problem at all.

 

You are probably right that I had unrealistic ideas about our future. That is a bitter pill for me. I did not want to marry him, but he pushed for it for a long time. Back then he was employed and even getting a second degree in college. He told me we had to marry or break up. He promised we'd be very happy.

 

Maybe I am just now telling him what I want and need for a happy marriage-- in an effort to salvage the marriage. Because really, I did not marry him because I thought we could meet each other's needs. I married him because he pressured me, and anyway I did love and care about him. Ugh, I don't want divorce to be the only answer though.

[lmyya]

Fair enough, but then what? He says he wants to rekindle our love life. But I am simply not very attracted to him anymore. I am not a person who believes in, "You should have known, so now, put up with it." At least not in marriage. Whoever's "fault" a thing is, the thing must still be dealt with. Whatever happened in the past, we still have to take care of the future. I don't think eithre he or I would want to live in a marriage where one person is not attracted to the other but stays out of a sense of duty, because they feel they brought this on themselves.

 

But I do want to know whether what I said was too hurtful. And maybe your point is that he might be sitting there thinking, "What, she didn't break up with me a few years ago when I put on weight, why is she complaining now?" I can see that. Perhaps I should apologize to him for bringing it up.

 

I would just take issue if I was myself the whole time I was dating someone, he claimed to love me and want to marry me, and then we get married, only for after X amount of time, him to tell me "Yeah, just kidding, I don't really love you as you've been this whole time, and I need you to change now."

 

I wouldn't apologize for bringing it up, because regardless of how you got here, you're here. I guess instead of suggesting that he exercise, maybe you could ask him to join you for a bike ride and a picnic together, and take along a healthy lunch to share. Or, maybe ask if he wants to do some fun things like a bowling night or joining a kickball team with friends. I'd hope those would be activities that get him off the couch and allow you to spend time together doing something fun.

 

Asking him to go cycling et c, that is a great suggestion. I have tried that in the past, but now that he says he wants to rekindle things, I'll try some more. I don't think it takes a whole lot of exercise to be healthy.

 

I was very clear with him that it's not, "lose weight or I will divorce you." No no no. That is not the case. And I told him I love him and think he is handsome. I would never say "just kidding" and change my mind because someone gains weight. But as his spouse, I wanted to let him know he seems to be unhealthy. And yes, the effects have shown a lot more, recently.

[lmyya]

I would just take issue if I was myself the whole time I was dating someone, he claimed to love me and want to marry me, and then we get married, only for after X amount of time, him to tell me "Yeah, just kidding, I don't really love you as you've been this whole time, and I need you to change now."

 

I wouldn't apologize for bringing it up, because regardless of how you got here, you're here. I guess instead of suggesting that he exercise, maybe you could ask him to join you for a bike ride and a picnic together, and take along a healthy lunch to share. Or, maybe ask if he wants to do some fun things like a bowling night or joining a kickball team with friends. I'd hope those would be activities that get him off the couch and allow you to spend time together doing something fun.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Asking him to go cycling et c, that is a great suggestion. I have tried that in the past, but now that he says he wants to rekindle things, I'll try some more. I don't think it takes a whole lot of exercise to be healthy.

 

I was very clear with him that it's not, "lose weight or I will divorce you." No no no. That is not the case. And I told him I love him and think he is handsome. I would never say "just kidding" and change my mind because someone gains weight. But as his spouse, I wanted to let him know he seems to be unhealthy. And yes, the effects have shown a lot more, recently.

[Atem]

Last night I told my husband that maybe he should exercise. He asked, "So I'm too fat for you?" I said, "No, but I think it would help your health and our love life if you exercised. You put on a lot of weight pretty suddenly a while back, and you look different than before." He asked me to leave the room-- now I think I hurt his feelings.

 

Context: My husband was a vibrant and very good-looking man 10 years ago. I have always been thin as are all my family, and I also enjoy running and hiking and, while I don't consider myself a preoccupied health nut, I want to live a reasonably long life.

 

My husband is 40. He smoked for years, used to drink too much, and has never, ever exercised regularly. The only exercise he got in the past was the occasional trip to the ski slopes, or maybe if you consider sailing exercise he's done some of that in the past, and in college he probably walked a fair amount. About 5 yrs ago he smoked a lot of weed and put on about 30 lbs. It shows in his face and ages him, and he continues to eat very poorly and spends a lot of time lounging around with his ipad, not even sitting, but lying on the couch or in bed.

 

Now, I don't mind a guy who is on the larger side or is even a little overweight. I've certainly had crushes on men with what you might call an "average" figure, not very in-shape. But my husband's weight gain was sudden and it just looks very unhealthy. He is now barrel-chested and his gait is labored. He also has stopped grooming, will not care for his teeth or floss, and he has this annoying scraggly grey beard (his hair is gorgeous and not grey)-- he looks homeless and physically and mentally ill and at least 50! Of course I didn't tell him that. He is a handsome man and anyway I wouldn't leave him over his looks, but I thought I might say something.

 

Well, now I feel like a jerk and want to make him feel better about what I said, if possible.

 

Just be rational - especially when he reacts emotionally.

 

Tell him that you still love him, blah blah, but that the weight thing is just something that is a factor in your relationship and that can and should not just be swept under the rug.

 

Face problems/issues head-on and solve them. If he's too much of a child to do that, well, then that'd be unfortunate.

 

Be rational, supportive but direct. Nobody wins from sugar-coating things.

 

On a side-note: I completely understand how physical appearance can kickstart or kill attraction. Humans are very visual creatures and anybody who tells you that they "do not care how much weight you gain" is a liar.

 

While there are varying degrees of tolerance, there is ALWAYS a threshold at which the other person's attractiveness to you starts taking a nosedive...

 

Let's be real about this people.

[Sparty97]

It doesn't sound like you said it in a mean way, but of course it hurt his feelings. It was bound to. He probably had to hear it, but ultimately he will be the one to decide whether or not to do something about it.

 

I have been the fat guy in this equation. I was 290 at 35, dropped 95... gained 75 back... lost 45... gained 55... now am back on the road and down 15. It's a struggle and it's much easier to gain than lose.

 

If he does start to get active and lose be as encouraging as possible... wow, that shirt looks great on your, etc.

 

You might start by gently pushing some family activities that require a little movement. Something like bowling. If you have been very sedentary you would be surprised at what bowling does to your quads. That alone could shock him.

[oldshirt]

I think you should be more honest and upfront actually.

 

 

He has let himself go and it has seriously hurt your attraction, desire, respect and admiration for him....and quite frankly, rightfully so.

 

 

In order for you to have a happy, healthy marriage, you must have an attraction and desire for him and respect for him is critical and a deal-breaker if it's not there.

 

 

I am assuming that he wants to have a romantic/sex life as part of the marriage. Well in order for you to want to even be near him, he is going to have to start working on himself and fix himself up a lot.

 

 

No other woman would him in this condition so why would you????

 

 

Here's the problem - he is probably not hearing you and not taking this seriously. He is probably not understanding how critical his health, vitality, appearance and grooming are to your feelings and your desire for him.

 

 

If you two were to divorce and he decided he wanted to start dating again, what would be the first thing he would do?? He would start grooming, buy new clothes and start losing weight.

 

 

He needs to understand he needs to do that now to save your marriage and he needs to start exercising and eating better like it was the answer to world peace.

 

 

My recommendation is to compassionately direct him to a couple books by Athol Kay. One is titled, "The Married Man Sexlife Primer" and the other is titled, "the Mindful Attraction Plan." There is also a website called Married Man Sexlife dot com that has forums similar to this one.

 

 

The website and the books are specifically directed to exactly this type of situation where men have let themselves go and their wives have lost attraction for them.

 

 

The books and website do a good of explaining to men exactly what the ramifications of getting fat and lazy are to their sexlives and to their marriages. The books will him understand and realize that eventually you WILL start finding other men attractive and that you will eventually have an affair and leave him if he doesn't step up to the plate and fix himself up.

 

 

He may have felt some sting when you told him this, but you have actually done him a huge huge favor that not many get in that he has had some prior warning that he needs to step up. Most men don't get any warnings and only have to deal with it after their wife has been screwing some other guy or is in the process of packing up her stuff to leave.

 

 

He needs to heed the warning.

 

 

Your responsibility is to make sure that you have truly been heard and that he truly understands the significance of what you are saying.

[sunshinegirl]

The weight and couch surfing sound like symptoms of a bigger problem, namely, he sounds depressed. Being unemployed is tough and can do a number on anyone's confidence.

 

I might suggest you hone in on the underlying reasons for the slide he's taken - whether depression or something else. Addressing the surface symptoms isn't going to get you too far.

 

Good luck.

[pink_sugar]

OP, I've been having a similar experience, though my husband is one of those people who is genetically thin, though when he does gain weight, it's all stomach fat. And it's not just that, it's overall health and hygiene as well. He does brush, but hardly ever flosses. Very frustrating. And it's like squeezing blood from a rock when I try and talk to him about his bad eating habits and how it's a negative influence on me. It's like talking to a wall. It's really frustrating to me how grown men think nothing of having a diet that cosists of so many sugar and carbs. I'm not asking him to be a health nut, but seriously moderation and eating some veggies.

[atlg8r]

OP, I've been having a similar experience, though my husband is one of those people who is genetically thin, though when he does gain weight, it's all stomach fat. And it's not just that, it's overall health and hygiene as well. He does brush, but hardly ever flosses. Very frustrating. And it's like squeezing blood from a rock when I try and talk to him about his bad eating habits and how it's a negative influence on me. It's like talking to a wall. It's really frustrating to me how grown men think nothing of having a diet that cosists of so many sugar and carbs. I'm not asking him to be a health nut, but seriously moderation and eating some veggies.

 

Who does the grocery shopping and/or cooking? Maybe you and the OP could take on more of that role to encourage healthier eating, if not for your husbands, then for yourselves. My ex used to complain about what I would cook or buy, but he never really lifted a finger to help, so he got what I cooked/bought.

[not-so-sure]

Just be rational - especially when he reacts emotionally.

 

Tell him that you still love him, blah blah, but that the weight thing is just something that is a factor in your relationship and that can and should not just be swept under the rug.

 

Face problems/issues head-on and solve them. If he's too much of a child to do that, well, then that'd be unfortunate.

 

Be rational, supportive but direct. Nobody wins from sugar-coating things.

 

On a side-note: I completely understand how physical appearance can kickstart or kill attraction. Humans are very visual creatures and anybody who tells you that they "do not care how much weight you gain" is a liar.

 

While there are varying degrees of tolerance, there is ALWAYS a threshold at which the other person's attractiveness to you starts taking a nosedive...

 

Let's be real about this people.

 

I participated in another thread where the sexes were reversed. Admittedly,the guy was an arse, but apparently it's insensitive and inappropriate when this matter is brought up with a female.

 

You give very good reasons why attractiveness can be a romance killer. But generally it's dismissed as self-evidently superficial without any real explanation, save for "you chose to marry in sickness and in health". What a convenient catch-all.

 

Nearly everyone can take control of their health. And if you can control it, you should bloody well do something about it. I don't understand why a partner should have to suck it up while the other chooses to have to suck it in. It's my job to be attractive to my wife. It's not hers to accept my slobbiness forever and a day if she doesn't find that attractive. If something's not working, you change it.

 

If you look at my posting history it's clear I've failed in the most significant of respects, but the fundamental truth is that attractiveness is a huge part of marriage. It's what sets you part from friends, and the effort doesn't stop simply because your said a few words on a special day and got a ring on your finger.

 

Having said that though, I would agree there seems more at play here and depression might be it.

[pink_sugar]

Who does the grocery shopping and/or cooking? Maybe you and the OP could take on more of that role to encourage healthier eating, if not for your husbands, then for yourselves. My ex used to complain about what I would cook or buy, but he never really lifted a finger to help, so he got what I cooked/bought.

 

I usually do all the shopping and cooking, because I know he'll pick out all kinds of sugary cereals and junk food. I guess my biggest issue is the way he eats whenever we eat out or eat over at someone's house. I guess I cannot have any control over that. I talked to him today and told him that it really turns me on when the person I'm with takes good care of themselves...not just for weight, but for hobby and good health. I'd feel much more "in the mood" if we kept in good shape for one another. I think he understood where I am coming from.

[atlg8r]

I usually do all the shopping and cooking, because I know he'll pick out all kinds of sugary cereals and junk food. I guess my biggest issue is the way he eats whenever we eat out or eat over at someone's house. I guess I cannot have any control over that. I talked to him today and told him that it really turns me on when the person I'm with takes good care of themselves...not just for weight, but for hobby and good health. I'd feel much more "in the mood" if we kept in good shape for one another. I think he understood where I am coming from.

 

That's good. It sounds like you are approaching it in as "good" a way as possible. I am dealing with the same type of issue but with my fiance's smoking. He has quit in the past and plans to start a cessation program in May. At minimum he has stopped smoking in our house and around me. He only does it outside. But my issue is 1) his health and longevity and 2) we are having a baby in September, so I do not want the child around second-hand smoke. Good luck!

[whichwayisup]

Honesty said with love and kindness:

 

Honey I love you, you are my life always - I want you around for many years so we can grow old together but I am scared of health issues that you could face. I want to be active, travel and enjoy life with you!

 

You two can join a gym together, go hiking, play tennis together. etc etc..

 

Take a cooking class together and learn how to make healthier meals. don't have junk food in the house if possible.

 

There are so many ways of approaching this without making him feel bad.

 

I'm sure he knows how crappy he looks...I'm betting he doesn't feel good about himself physically or emotionally/mentally. Fact that you say he's let himself go is a sign too, of not caring about himself. Is he depressed? Did something happen in the past few years that has edged his weight gain?

[deathandtaxes]

You shouldn't have lied when you said he wasn't too fat for you. Obviously he is, or you wouldn't have asked him to lose weight. I don't see anything wrong in asking a significant other to take a more proactive interest in their health. If their appearance changes enough to make them unattractive, then tell them so! And being a lot healthier and fit will go a long ways to better sex. More endurance, bellies not slapping together, etc.

[lmyya]

You shouldn't have lied when you said he wasn't too fat for you. Obviously he is, or you wouldn't have asked him to lose weight. I don't see anything wrong in asking a significant other to take a more proactive interest in their health. If their appearance changes enough to make them unattractive, then tell them so! And being a lot healthier and fit will go a long ways to better sex. More endurance, bellies not slapping together, etc.

 

No, he's not"too fat" for me. As I said, it's the unhealthy appearance and gait, lack of grooming et c, and I'm far more concerned with his health and his lack of inclination to take care of any part of his future, including his health. I know that weight is a pretty sensitive topic for a lot of people, and its easy to project. But my husband is extremely confident about his looks and frequently mentions how good looking he is--like, whenever he sees a picture of himself or his reflection he'll say, "I'm a Damn good looking guy." He just seemed so unaware of the weight gain and lack of grooming that have taken a toll. And Yes, I have definitely had crushes on "fatter" guys than him. But they were also healthier.