How is everyone doing in their NC?

[Mickey1982]

I am at one year and 20 days or so.... let me tell you how has been:

 

first 2 weeks was terrible because I thought she was not avoiding me just some bad timing

Then she told me on the phone a simple NO (we had agreed that if we broke up it would be like that a simple NO, would suffice )

I spent 3 months really depressed, it was very difficult because I missed her a lot and to make matter worse we never had a problem/argument or bad situations it was wonderful.

 

So I exercised a lot, went out, traveled alone, and worked to distract myself, met new people, got into yoga and played guitar with my friends...

 

AVOID seeing things from your EX, pictures, letters, presents, lingerie!!! whatever.... don't let your relationship creep back into your field... the last 6 months have been a lot easier but N.C. is the best thing.

 

I bumped into her exactly one year after break up and N.C. we talked 10 minutes, and for me it was a surprise but it did not shake my life or feeling anymore, I am not sure about her but that is not my problem anymore (received quite a lot of compliments from her, but I did not call her or contacted her anymore)

 

I am over it, but it took me a year and a lot of determination on N.C.

 

Hope it works out for everyone here.

 

Thanks for sharing your story and giving me hope for the day when I feel NOTHING!

[uneek74]

Mickey: The therapist is right in what she told you. She (W) more than he is putting on a performance. I can assure you of that. Like someone said, don't put too much stock in pictures on FB. On FB you can manipulate what you want others to believe.

 

 

For the question of NC for myself, he continues to text, mainly to see how I am and what is going on with me. I agree with Gunthars post about the MM simply just wants to be around in whatever way can, because he genuinely cares.

[Popsicle]

I really want to commend everyone who is still on their NC path. I know how hard it is, and you're doing great.

[Mickey1982]

Mickey - nobody who really loves you, would put you through this ... he's a selfish person. Don't beat yourself up for believing somebody, you shouldn't have believed in - most people who have been in your shoes, got caught up in something for a reason. Spend this time, figuring out what led you there - that is your job right now. He isn't worth the heartache he has cause you. For me, I was exiting a marriage of 27 years - from a man who took me for granted. The MM is a masterful future faker, and he will come back to try and see if you are still there. Take this time, to GET STRONG!! xo

 

 

Thank you Patrice---this means a TON on a particularly rough day. hugs.

[Popsicle]

I am at one year and 20 days or so.... let me tell you how has been:

 

first 2 weeks was terrible because I thought she was not avoiding me just some bad timing

Then she told me on the phone a simple NO (we had agreed that if we broke up it would be like that a simple NO, would suffice )

I spent 3 months really depressed, it was very difficult because I missed her a lot and to make matter worse we never had a problem/argument or bad situations it was wonderful.

 

So I exercised a lot, went out, traveled alone, and worked to distract myself, met new people, got into yoga and played guitar with my friends...

 

AVOID seeing things from your EX, pictures, letters, presents, lingerie!!! whatever.... don't let your relationship creep back into your field... the last 6 months have been a lot easier but N.C. is the best thing.

 

I bumped into her exactly one year after break up and N.C. we talked 10 minutes, and for me it was a surprise but it did not shake my life or feeling anymore, I am not sure about her but that is not my problem anymore (received quite a lot of compliments from her, but I did not call her or contacted her anymore)

 

I am over it, but it took me a year and a lot of determination on N.C.

 

Hope it works out for everyone here.

 

Wooooow! That is so awesome! And REALLY inspiring.

[Charlie Harper]

Thanks! A little more info, I have avoided going to the same restaurants and places we used to go, I packed everything she gave me and put that away. I wrote some songs for her, but I never play them... I even like the song by Cliff Richards "we don't talk anymore". The hardest thing was loosing her friendship, I missed that a lot and a lot of her small details and moments. But I moved I focused on MYSELF and healing and the 2 sentences I repeated a lot was:

 

She is the one that is missing because she wants to.

 

If I could make her fall in love with me, there will be others who will appreciate me... she is unique but she is not the only woman in the world.

[Daisy2013]

TOTALLY down and out......

 

Missing him like crazy---rehashing some of the priceless times we shared OVER and OVER. Spring was OUR time of year so that just adds to my triggers. I miss his daily phone call. His voice. Like Waverly, I just sometimes can't imagine this person being out of my life forever. I try not to go there - or a panic attacak ensues. It's still really hard for me.

 

I think you all get the mood I'm in. Sad. VERY sad.

 

I won't break NC - I can't go thru bringing on more unhappiness. Just wish I could turn back time....that's all.

 

I have been reading your story from day one, and am pulling for you. First, sorry for your pain, I know exactly how you feel, panic attacks and all. You keep hanging in there! You are an example to us all who are struggling.

 

If this is considered a T/J, my apologies. So to answer the question, I can't seem to go NC. I try and don't answer my phone, then give in 2 days later for fear he won't call. He always said if I don't answer by a 3rd call, he will figure I'm done and do not want him to call and will quit.

[Mickey1982]

I have been reading your story from day one, and am pulling for you. First, sorry for your pain, I know exactly how you feel, panic attacks and all. You keep hanging in there! You are an example to us all who are struggling.

 

If this is considered a T/J, my apologies. So to answer the question, I can't seem to go NC. I try and don't answer my phone, then give in 2 days later for fear he won't call. He always said if I don't answer by a 3rd call, he will figure I'm done and do not want him to call and will quit.

 

 

Thx Daisy---I'm feeling beaten today, but continue to hang in there!

[Cocochai]

Wow, that's great to hear Coco, I can't imagine dating at this moment but it gives me great hope to hear you are ready to go out and meet some new guys. Well done you!

 

Thanks I'm not truly ready either but nothing wrong w/ creating new friends. I still think about my XMM but at least I'm communicating w/ someone who's emotionally available to talk to me... Even after work hours

[Popsicle]

Happy Easter everyone...

 

I am having a low day today, been on my own for last couple of days, kids out, everyone else with their families so too much thinking time probably. Still doing well and not going to break NC but just finding myself going over things in my mind today which has not been helpful and been very tearful and sad. Got me wondering how others are getting on and if we can help each other along the right track to recovery.

 

I hope you feel better soon. ((Hugs))

[Charlie Harper]

Breaking contact is like opening a wound again, like experiencing loss again, and obviously making your suffering longer than necessary.

You need to comprehend and to face the loss and the horrible thrush that ITS OVER, it feels like terrible, you feel depressed and sad, worthless and the WHY is always there.

Remind yourself that you need to heal, you need to live on, and BE HAPPY, and sometimes happiness is found elsewhere no matter how hurtful is to let go.

 

I really could write 10 pages on the wonderful moments and situations we were in, the coincidences and the happy times we had, but never regret the experience, be grateful for what it was and move on....

 

I learned, healed and moved on....if I could so can you, and you will discover something extra:

YOU ARE STRONGER THAN WHAT YOU THINK.

[Mickey1982]

Breaking contact is like opening a wound again, like experiencing loss again, and obviously making your suffering longer than necessary.

You need to comprehend and to face the loss and the horrible thrush that ITS OVER, it feels like terrible, you feel depressed and sad, worthless and the WHY is always there.

Remind yourself that you need to heal, you need to live on, and BE HAPPY, and sometimes happiness is found elsewhere no matter how hurtful is to let go.

 

I really could write 10 pages on the wonderful moments and situations we were in, the coincidences and the happy times we had, but never regret the experience, be grateful for what it was and move on....

 

I learned, healed and moved on....if I could so can you, and you will discover something extra:

YOU ARE STRONGER THAN WHAT YOU THINK.

 

Please continue to share your advice and stories, Charlie. You have been a great inspiration on a day that I've been feeling really down. I'm missing the happy times, his friendship and just about everything I had shared with him. I can't wait to be where you are. I am staying strong with NC. I had one slip in 13 weeks which I am not even sure he received the email and still it set me back. I regretted it for days and won't do it again. It's not worth it---there's no gain from me reaching out. Keep giving your thoughts and sharing your experience.

Hugs....Mickey

[BrokenPrincess]

I'm at 1 month NC and I mostly feel indifferent, don't think about him, or feel pissed and that it's his loss to not have me in his life. Please don't think I'm super xMOW to be that far along already...this is our 3rd round of NC but for the first time, I do feel closure about our past, and at peace. The trick now is to try to squash or redirect the weak moments I wish that we could start a new chapter.

 

I've actually been more focused on the issues in my M and trying to find a way to have my H meet the needs that my xMM met. Started therapy & have been pleasantly surprised that a lot of my sessions are driven by me talking about my H and M, not about xMM. Plus I've got a new little baby at home now & I started applying & interviewing for a new job/career. Hopefully this all sticks and eventually I won't think if xMM at all. I know I'm not over him but staying NC finally (well 95% of the time) doesn't feel like a constant struggle.

 

Best wishes to everybody fresh on the path to healing from the heartache.

[movingon45]

Finally after 2 sessions of IC the fog has been lifted. I can't believe it. We have been through so many rounds of LC and NC and I thought that I'll never reach this place that I am in now. I do still check my phone and sometimes I'm tempted to text but I am able to stop and think how angry I am at myself for not seeing through him before. I put him on a pedestal and I almost destroyed my marriage. Previously I would have ached to text him!

[Nothisgirl]

Day 1 down and I'm kind of a mess. He's already broken it. See my loophole thread.

[Waverly]

I'm at 1 month NC and I mostly feel indifferent, don't think about him, or feel pissed and that it's his loss to not have me in his life. Please don't think I'm super xMOW to be that far along already...this is our 3rd round of NC but for the first time, I do feel closure about our past, and at peace. The trick now is to try to squash or redirect the weak moments I wish that we could start a new chapter.

 

I've actually been more focused on the issues in my M and trying to find a way to have my H meet the needs that my xMM met. Started therapy & have been pleasantly surprised that a lot of my sessions are driven by me talking about my H and M, not about xMM. Plus I've got a new little baby at home now & I started applying & interviewing for a new job/career. Hopefully this all sticks and eventually I won't think if xMM at all. I know I'm not over him but staying NC finally (well 95% of the time) doesn't feel like a constant struggle.

 

Best wishes to everybody fresh on the path to healing from the heartache.

 

BP, that is an awesome update. Seriously. It is like some sort of weird science fiction to me at the moment, the idea that I will ever be indifferent or not think about this/him, but I HOPE I will get there one day, as impossible as it sounds at the moment.

 

My therapist is focusing on my H and M as well. I admit that there's part of me that feels like protesting, like I really still want to focus on my xMM. But, really, what's the point? He's gone, it's over. My H is still here, and this is still my reality. I said something last week to her about how I wasn't even sure if I wanted to stay married, and all this talk about how to fix things seemed a little odd given that. She responded that I didn't even really know what my marriage could be, so as long as I'm still married, why not try to see if it can be improved. I guess...? I feel like it won't really be improved until I can get stupid xMM out of my head, at least partially.

 

Anyway, I'm glad you are doing so well! I hope all is well with your baby and good luck with the job hunt!

[Goodbye]

NC magically became easy after I told his W at the end of February. Before that point he was constantly breaking NC. It's been good.

[Popsicle]

I think one important key to maintaining NC is managing your thoughts and fantasies. It seems like what does people in is sitting around fantasizing about your AP. You can teach yourself to recognize these thoughts and when you do them, then you can interrupt them and refocus on something else that is NOT them. It's normal and okay to think about your xAP sometimes, but you have to realize the harm you do to your healing process in constantly obsessing over them (especially in a positive light). Remember that the more time you spend away from someone, the more you will fantasize about them. And fantasy is not real.

[Mickey1982]

Well, I am finally making progress….believe it or not, the picture that was posted of them as the ‘happy couple’ yesterday has made all the difference in the world. It initially made me upset and stirred all sorts of memories of he/I together.

 

But today, I see it in a completely different way. She is pathetic for only worrying about being alone and for taking him back without blinking an eye at his infidelity (he told me this). And, I see him now as a liar and manipulator.

 

I never thought I’d move even one step in the RIGHT direction, but it has happened. I’m not there yet, but for the first time, I’m seeing what I should have all along!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Charlie Harper]

Thanks for the comments.... yes it has been hard but worth it..

 

It was hard because we were very good friends to start with, and then everything happened, it was over 2 years, it was fantastic, I can think of at least 30 times we had incredible times together, in work and project related triumphs, I helped her with her sons, on her marriage it was incredible, but in the end she went back to her abusive H, It hurt so much seeing that we got along fine and had this incredible rapport and understanding, and she broke it off out of the blue and went back to her family...I let her go because I gave her my word I would never chase her or make her uncomfortable or pressured by me, and also because I think saving her family is the RIGHT choice always even if it meant her to return to an abusive H and losing a great guy in the process...that is why it was so hard.

 

IT WAS WORTH IT because:

 

I showed me that sometimes love just aint enough, that sometimes you have a magical relationship on one doesn't want to change his life for good, that maturity is optional, and that even if you think you won't survive and you are in a deep hole, you can muster energy and courage and crawl your way out, heal and move on.

 

Now I have dated maybe 20 women since, and at least 6 of them have told me they want to go further, I haven't had any relationship because, now I am still healing myself and having OPEN EYES and being very direct and honest with what I do, I am still alone but its BECAUSE I WANT TO, not because I am in dire need of company.

 

I have discovered wonderful people in this N.C: year, and I am now a lot clear than before on what do I want, what do I need and what do I bring to a relationship. That has made me a lot secure and calm about the future and it shows in all aspects of my life.

 

I could tell some weird experiences I have had this year just because I wanted to heal, but I might bore you, the bottom line is LIFE GOES ON.... AND YOU HAVE TO MOVE ON..

 

A big hug and BE STRONG

[Louloulou]

Hi everyone. I'm new to the forum but have been reading all your posts over the last couple of weeks and they've really been helping me put things into perspective.

 

I had been NC for only ( )2 weeks until yesterday, when I broke it monumentally. It wasn't something we'd talked about, I've tried to initiate it several times before but every time I've let him talk me into continuing the A, even though I always knew it would only prolong the pain for me. This time though, he let me down again without so much as acknowledging that he had, I snapped at him and neither of us said anything more. I was actually really enjoying the NC while it lasted. I felt relieved that I wasn't waiting for him to get in touch with me and I wasn't setting myself up for any falls by contacting him first and not hearing anything back. I'd been either too angry at him or too busy to allow my mind to wander too much over the last 2 weeks so not contacting him was feeling easy, but yesterday I was having a down day and feeling particularly lonely, and I was worried that he might not have even noticed that I'd gone anywhere, and I let those thoughts get the better of me. I'm so angry at myself now, because not only did I give in at the first sign of difficulty, but I let us slip back into old habits, talking about seeing each other again and the things we could do together. Today I've tried to carry on the conversation but suspected I'd hear nothing back and, true to recent form, I haven't.

 

Before the A began I had had a very difficult few years but he was starting to bring back some of my happiness and make me feel stronger. He used to be so attentive and caring towards me but about two months ago that changed really suddenly, with no warning and for no apparent reason. Literally mid-conversation. Since then he's been much more distant most of the time, but still very persuasive when he's needed to be when I've been trying to tell him I want out if it's going to be this way.

 

The thing is, I know I'm being strung along but I seem powerless to stop myself from letting it happen. I still have days when I'm very down, and I always will, and those days I just want him to hug me and make me feel it will all be ok. But being here and reading about everyone else's experiences will help me on my way to getting through this without him, and I hope help me realise that I don't have to, and neither should I, rely on him. Thank you all for your honesty through all of your difficult times. There's certainly something to be said for realising that you're not alone, although I wish you weren't having the struggles that you are having!

[Mickey1982]

One step forward and two steps back...sigh.

[Nothisgirl]

One step forward and two steps back...sigh.

 

Totally understand. It's almost a crushing anxiety feeling isn't it?

[Mickey1982]

Totally understand. It's almost a crushing anxiety feeling isn't it?

 

I felt so good about everything yesterday and really had hope only to wake up today missing just about EVERYTHING.......

[Goodbye]

Mickey...you are making progress. When you wake up like you did today, you need to actively take control of your emotions. Go for a walk. Call a friend. Buy a new outfit and go out for dinner...these are the baby steps you need to take to climb out of the pit you've been in since your a$$ exMM did what he did.