How is everyone doing in their NC?

[Mickey1982]

Mickey...you are making progress. When you wake up like you did today, you need to actively take control of your emotions. Go for a walk. Call a friend. Buy a new outfit and go out for dinner...these are the baby steps you need to take to climb out of the pit you've been in since your a$$ exMM did what he did.

 

I know. I have to remind myself of that. And, I had been. I thought I was finally getting to the 'anger' stage of grieving which I was denying myself to feel.

 

But, I saw that darn FB picture of them at a beach resort. I've gone from upset to mad and now back to sad all in 24 hours. Roller coaster of emotions for sure. Now, I'm stuck and wallowing in my sadness.....

[Cocochai]

I know. I have to remind myself of that. And, I had been. I thought I was finally getting to the 'anger' stage of grieving which I was denying myself to feel.

 

But, I saw that darn FB picture of them at a beach resort. I've gone from upset to mad and now back to sad all in 24 hours. Roller coaster of emotions for sure. Now, I'm stuck and wallowing in my sadness.....

 

Hi guys.., I'm still in NC over a month now I believe.

 

 

One thing I can say.., it's very difficult at times to stay focus and remember why you are staying NC...

 

The biggest issue for me is.. Loneliness! So if we all could find some way to fill that void (the spot the XMM/XMW once held), it would make things much easier to move on.

 

I have things to keep me occupied, and I even got asked out this weekend from a old coworker who confessed he always like me... But one little hiccup, could set me back to thinking about how it was with my XMM.

 

 

I'm hoping my friend does come tru with the date (doesn't cancel), but some way.. Loneliness seems to find its way back.

 

 

Any tips on how to fix that?

[Devastated1969]

Hi guys.., I'm still in NC over a month now I believe.

 

 

One thing I can say.., it's very difficult at times to stay focus and remember why you are staying NC...

 

The biggest issue for me is.. Loneliness! So if we all could find some way to fill that void (the spot the XMM/XMW once held), it would make things much easier to move on.

 

I have things to keep me occupied, and I even got asked out this weekend from a old coworker who confessed he always like me... But one little hiccup, could set me back to thinking about how it was with my XMM.

 

 

I'm hoping my friend does come tru with the date (doesn't cancel), but some way.. Loneliness seems to find its way back.

 

 

Any tips on how to fix that?

 

Coco, well done for doing so well :-) I'm about the same time in NC and agree with the loneliness thing, it's so hard sometimes. I try to keep busy, work, gym, kids, cooking, movies, going out with friends but there are still those very lonely times and I miss having someone to just give me a hug. But we are all moving in the right direction and I feel confident of a better future with someone available... So hope the date goes well hun, keep us posted!

[LearningToMoveOn]

I know. I have to remind myself of that. And, I had been. I thought I was finally getting to the 'anger' stage of grieving which I was denying myself to feel.

 

But, I saw that darn FB picture of them at a beach resort. I've gone from upset to mad and now back to sad all in 24 hours. Roller coaster of emotions for sure. Now, I'm stuck and wallowing in my sadness.....

 

Mickey, can you bring yourself to "defriend" or block xMM on FB? I know it isn't easy and I'm not sure if I could have if it hadn't been done for me (xMM defriended me shortly after D Day...lovely, right?). As much as I want to know what is going on with him some (most?) days, I'm thankful that I can't see pictures like that because I know they would destroy me and be a huge set back. I would be tempted to look all the time even though I know it's not healthy. Just seeing a stupid picture of him in the company newsletter a while back was completely awful and sent me into a spin for days. I know it's hard because it feels like you are taking away an avenue to him but it really would be better for your healing. You are doing better and making progress (I can see it) but stuff like that will always set you back. It does for me anyway.

[Mickey1982]

Mickey, can you bring yourself to "defriend" or block xMM on FB? I know it isn't easy and I'm not sure if I could have if it hadn't been done for me (xMM defriended me shortly after D Day...lovely, right?). As much as I want to know what is going on with him some (most?) days, I'm thankful that I can't see pictures like that because I know they would destroy me and be a huge set back. I would be tempted to look all the time even though I know it's not healthy. Just seeing a stupid picture of him in the company newsletter a while back was completely awful and sent me into a spin for days. I know it's hard because it feels like you are taking away an avenue to him but it really would be better for your healing. You are doing better and making progress (I can see it) but stuff like that will always set you back. It does for me anyway.

 

At first, the pic made me see things differently. I saw HER as pathetic and paranoid that another woman might take him away again. I saw him as a liar for breaking SO many promises to me. And, that felt good. But, it was temporary. I woke up today feeling sad. Just sad and missing him a lot. I just wonder when it will ever get better and when I'll have the strength and power not to let this crazy stuff bother me. I just want to reach a point to where what he is doing in his life is not even a thought or a moment which I care to consider.

[LearningToMoveOn]

At first, the pic made me see things differently. I saw HER as pathetic and paranoid that another woman might take him away again. I saw him as a liar for breaking SO many promises to me. And, that felt good. But, it was temporary. I woke up today feeling sad. Just sad and missing him a lot. I just wonder when it will ever get better and when I'll have the strength and power not to let this crazy stuff bother me. I just want to reach a point to where what he is doing in his life is not even a thought or a moment which I care to consider.

 

I am completely with you. I agree that it's one step forward, two steps back, I thought I was doing better but I've been having a rough few days myself for some reason. I just can't stop thinking about it and it's so, so frustrating. I don't want to be this person anymore. I don't want to obsess about it and be sad about it every waking minute that I'm not busy. I would love nothing more than to reach indifference but that day seems very far away to me.

[Mickey1982]

I am completely with you. I agree that it's one step forward, two steps back, I thought I was doing better but I've been having a rough few days myself for some reason. I just can't stop thinking about it and it's so, so frustrating. I don't want to be this person anymore. I don't want to obsess about it and be sad about it every waking minute that I'm not busy. I would love nothing more than to reach indifference but that day seems very far away to me.

 

I know that you went NC and had a 'forced ending' after his d-day just like me. Do you think that is preventing us from moving on at all? The suddenness of it? No closure. I have no idea. I just wish I'd get there.

 

I saw my therapist today. She told me that in my mind, I can't move on until I let go of him. But, it should be the opposite---I should move on and that will enable me to let go of him. I just don't see it happening that way.

 

It's just mind boggling that this relationship has destroyed me like nothing else ever has and that I allow this nonsense to continue to eat me away to my core.

[LearningToMoveOn]

I know that you went NC and had a 'forced ending' after his d-day just like me. Do you think that is preventing us from moving on at all? The suddenness of it? No closure. I have no idea. I just wish I'd get there.

 

I saw my therapist today. She told me that in my mind, I can't move on until I let go of him. But, it should be the opposite---I should move on and that will enable me to let go of him. I just don't see it happening that way.

 

It's just mind boggling that this relationship has destroyed me like nothing else ever has and that I allow this nonsense to continue to eat me away to my core.

 

I think that's a huge part of it for me. I still really struggle with the ending and how he could leave it like that. I never could have done that to him. In our prior attempt to end it before D Day, we had the opportunity to talk about all of the reasons for ending it and logically I understand everything and know it's the right thing for both of our families. But the D Day ending was so sudden and so cold...it's difficult to swallow.

 

It really is mind boggling. I used to be a confident, smart, fun person. I don't even recognize myself anymore. I am wasting so much headspace and energy on this person that clearly doesn't care about me. It's bad enough that I wasted 5 years of my life giving him everything I had, Now I continue to waste time obsessing about something that is done and over. I wish my brain had an on/off switch.

[Mickey1982]

I think that's a huge part of it for me. I still really struggle with the ending and how he could leave it like that. I never could have done that to him. In our prior attempt to end it before D Day, we had the opportunity to talk about all of the reasons for ending it and logically I understand everything and know it's the right thing for both of our families. But the D Day ending was so sudden and so cold...it's difficult to swallow.

 

It really is mind boggling. I used to be a confident, smart, fun person. I don't even recognize myself anymore. I am wasting so much headspace and energy on this person that clearly doesn't care about me. It's bad enough that I wasted 5 years of my life giving him everything I had, Now I continue to waste time obsessing about something that is done and over. I wish my brain had an on/off switch.

 

 

We had always agreed that if one of us decided they could no longer keep the realtionship going, we would talk about it and end it in person at a mutually agreed upon date and place. We also agreed to always stay in each others lives---we had grown so VERY close that we could not imagine a future without keeping in touch. I had a very serious illness which he helped me get thru and for this reason too, he always promised me that he'd need to know I was healthy and alive.

 

Everything------out the door with d-day. "Goodbye. I'm going to try to fall in love with her again, I'm working on my marriage, I can't see you any more and we can't keep a friendship at this time" (whatever 'at this time' means).

 

I feel the same way about wasting time revisiting events, talks, and times together. I fought so hard to stay alive (because of my illness) and I should be thankful for every minute I have of my life...yet, I focus on this man who drove me to question everything about myself including my own sanity.

[LearningToMoveOn]

We had always agreed that if one of us decided they could no longer keep the realtionship going, we would talk about it and end it in person at a mutually agreed upon date and place. We also agreed to always stay in each others lives---we had grown so VERY close that we could not imagine a future without keeping in touch. I had a very serious illness which he helped me get thru and for this reason too, he always promised me that he'd need to know I was healthy and alive.

 

Everything------out the door with d-day. "Goodbye. I'm going to try to fall in love with her again, I'm working on my marriage, I can't see you any more and we can't keep a friendship at this time" (whatever 'at this time' means).

 

I feel the same way about wasting time revisiting events, talks, and times together. I fought so hard to stay alive (because of my illness) and I should be thankful for every minute I have of my life...yet, I focus on this man who drove me to question everything about myself including my own sanity.

 

I can't even imagine how hard that is Mickey. What a slap in the face. I can see why you are still in shock...you never had any reason to believe he would treat you like this. The only thing I can think is that he was genuinely showing you love by letting you go and not stringing you along with a "friendship" that he knew would be painful to both of you. Maybe he knew he had to be harsh so that it would end? I don't know.

 

I shouldn't be as suprised by my ending. I knew he wanted to keep his family intact and that he feared a D Day all along. I guess I just thought he would have something more to say in the end, some decent parting words for a person he claimed to love and be closer to than anyone in the world. Instead, he wouldn't even talk to me. It seems everyone he claims to love is disposable to him, depending on which way the wind is blowing that day.

[Cocochai]

Coco, well done for doing so well :-) I'm about the same time in NC and agree with the loneliness thing, it's so hard sometimes. I try to keep busy, work, gym, kids, cooking, movies, going out with friends but there are still those very lonely times and I miss having someone to just give me a hug. But we are all moving in the right direction and I feel confident of a better future with someone available... So hope the date goes well hun, keep us posted!

 

Thank you Dev! And I'm proud of you too!

 

I have zero urge to contact XMM but just the daily contact that I was use to for over two years is missed and needs a replacement.

[Mickey1982]

I can't even imagine how hard that is Mickey. What a slap in the face. I can see why you are still in shock...you never had any reason to believe he would treat you like this. The only thing I can think is that he was genuinely showing you love by letting you go and not stringing you along with a "friendship" that he knew would be painful to both of you. Maybe he knew he had to be harsh so that it would end? I don't know.

 

I shouldn't be as suprised by my ending. I knew he wanted to keep his family intact and that he feared a D Day all along. I guess I just thought he would have something more to say in the end, some decent parting words for a person he claimed to love and be closer to than anyone in the world. Instead, he wouldn't even talk to me. It seems everyone he claims to love is disposable to him, depending on which way the wind is blowing that day.

 

 

I saw a side of him after d-day that I never had seen before in the 3 1/2 years we were together. I felt that it was a man I did not even know who took every opportunity to rub his new found 'happy marriage' in my face. He knew how devastated I was and the absolute hell I had been thru the past few years with being sick and also going thru the unexpected death of a loved one. Yet, he didn't care how much more hurt and sadness he caused me. I saw this selfish side of him come to the surface. He cared only about saving his face. He told her the tiniest amount about us---she thinks it was a 4 month affair and we saw each other once. We were together for over 3 years! It's amazing, but she bought the lie and did not press for more info and forgave him on d-day.

 

Anyway, it is just disheartening that I could have been so blind. Do I believe that he loved me? I do. And, I did and still do (unfortunately) love him. But, he chose his family when faced with a decision. My therapist tells me he chose the 'behavior' that was right and not the 'feeling' that was right. And, there is a difference.

 

I told her, "There may be a difference, but the ending is the same for me."

[Waverly]

I saw a side of him after d-day that I never had seen before in the 3 1/2 years we were together. I felt that it was a man I did not even know who took every opportunity to rub his new found 'happy marriage' in my face. He knew how devastated I was and the absolute hell I had been thru the past few years with being sick and also going thru the unexpected death of a loved one. Yet, he didn't care how much more hurt and sadness he caused me. I saw this selfish side of him come to the surface. He cared only about saving his face. He told her the tiniest amount about us---she thinks it was a 4 month affair and we saw each other once. We were together for over 3 years! It's amazing, but she bought the lie and did not press for more info and forgave him on d-day.

 

Anyway, it is just disheartening that I could have been so blind. Do I believe that he loved me? I do. And, I did and still do (unfortunately) love him. But, he chose his family when faced with a decision. My therapist tells me he chose the 'behavior' that was right and not the 'feeling' that was right. And, there is a difference.

 

I told her, "There may be a difference, but the ending is the same for me."

 

Mickey, I'm just curious, but what did you say to him when he was telling you those things about how "happy" he suddenly was? Did you tell him how hurtful it was?

 

I don't think you were blind, for whatever that's worth. I think you trusted someone you loved. The ending is on him, not you. I have to agree with both you and your therapist though: I had all of the "answers" from my xAP, and all the reassurances that he wasn't choosing what he really wanted. It's not making this any darn easier to get through.

[Mickey1982]

Mickey, I'm just curious, but what did you say to him when he was telling you those things about how "happy" he suddenly was? Did you tell him how hurtful it was?

 

I don't think you were blind, for whatever that's worth. I think you trusted someone you loved. The ending is on him, not you. I have to agree with both you and your therapist though: I had all of the "answers" from my xAP, and all the reassurances that he wasn't choosing what he really wanted. It's not making this any darn easier to get through.

 

 

Waverly, I did tell him after one of his comments "that it really hurt me." He would reply with I'm sorry. After a while, I just did not address the comments beacuse each e-mail or text was just as hurtful as the previous one. All he kept telling me was "I am doing the right thing. This is how it has to be." The interesting thing was he never used the words "this is what I want."

[jackny123]

Hey - read through this whole thread. I'm here to help.

 

I was "the other man" with a girl who was cheating on her 4-year boyfriend. Many times she told me she loved me. It eventually blew up in her face and he dumped her and threw her out of their condo.

 

She and I tried to see one another for seven weeks long distance, took a vacation together, and then three weeks later she dumped me via email and put the whole blame on me. After a 90 min "breakup" fight, I initiated NC and deleted everything. That was one week ago. Staying strong - and know that you have people here to support you.

[WakingUp]

Hi guys.., I'm still in NC over a month now I believe.

 

 

One thing I can say.., it's very difficult at times to stay focus and remember why you are staying NC...

 

The biggest issue for me is.. Loneliness! So if we all could find some way to fill that void (the spot the XMM/XMW once held), it would make things much easier to move on.

 

I have things to keep me occupied, and I even got asked out this weekend from a old coworker who confessed he always like me... But one little hiccup, could set me back to thinking about how it was with my XMM.

 

 

I'm hoping my friend does come tru with the date (doesn't cancel), but some way.. Loneliness seems to find its way back.

 

 

Any tips on how to fix that?

 

 

I just want to comment on the loneliness thing. Being in an affair is the loneliest place in the world.

 

 

It is a secret you cannot share... you are a secret that cannot be shared.

 

 

The person you love is with someone else. You are alone. A text, a phone call or a brief catch up still leaves you alone.

 

 

So just because you can fill in lots of time dreaming and obsessing whilst in an affair, you really are still lonely.

 

 

Better to be lonely and with your integrity back, I think.

 

 

I really need to listen to myself.

[Cocochai]

Hello everyone.., well update on my last "how im doing in my NC"

 

Well the guy who asked me out did not cancel and in fact we had a great time. The best part about this is.. He knew of my past with the XMM because I use to vent to him about it when we worked together. I asked him if he had just met me, and I opened up about my past w/ the XMM would he still want to take a chance and he told me, he understood how I ended up in that kind of A because of my schedule.

 

I'm telling you all this to say... Please do not waste your days/weeks/months thinking about them. Sure your going to miss that person but you may miss a special person to give you all the emotional needs/attention and now I'm wondering "why am I wasting my days analyzing the last events what happend" or whether or not he's missing me.

 

I'm not saying this date will spark a romance between us but it was a wake up call that I'm missing out on great available Men to possibly have to worthy relationship I deserve.

[Cocochai]

I just want to comment on the loneliness thing. Being in an affair is the loneliest place in the world.

 

 

It is a secret you cannot share... you are a secret that cannot be shared.

 

 

The person you love is with someone else. You are alone. A text, a phone call or a brief catch up still leaves you alone.

 

 

So just because you can fill in lots of time dreaming and obsessing whilst in an affair, you really are still lonely.

 

 

Better to be lonely and with your integrity back, I think.

 

 

I really need to listen to myself.

 

So right!!! And I subconsciously use to tell myself, I'd rather be alone then to be in this A many of times.

[Devastated1969]

Hello everyone.., well update on my last "how im doing in my NC"

 

Well the guy who asked me out did not cancel and in fact we had a great time. The best part about this is.. He knew of my past with the XMM because I use to vent to him about it when we worked together. I asked him if he had just met me, and I opened up about my past w/ the XMM would he still want to take a chance and he told me, he understood how I ended up in that kind of A because of my schedule.

 

I'm telling you all this to say... Please do not waste your days/weeks/months thinking about them. Sure your going to miss that person but you may miss a special person to give you all the emotional needs/attention and now I'm wondering "why am I wasting my days analyzing the last events what happend" or whether or not he's missing me.

 

I'm not saying this date will spark a romance between us but it was a wake up call that I'm missing out on great available Men to possibly have to worthy relationship I deserve.

 

Great news Coco, really pleased the date went well. Thankfully my xMM respected NC through my birthday and although I've felt a little sad I should have been on a beach with his right now, I've had a fun packed birthday weekend with friends and family and had a lovely meal with my children today so feeling blessed that my life is simple and without complication and drama, even if a little lonely at times.

[Alex_Stoner]

Hey - read through this whole thread. I'm here to help.

 

I was "the other man" with a girl who was cheating on her 4-year boyfriend. Many times she told me she loved me. It eventually blew up in her face and he dumped her and threw her out of their condo.

 

She and I tried to see one another for seven weeks long distance, took a vacation together, and then three weeks later she dumped me via email and put the whole blame on me. After a 90 min "breakup" fight, I initiated NC and deleted everything. That was one week ago. Staying strong - and know that you have people here to support you.

 

How could she put the whole blame on you? Jesus ... That's completely unfair and selfish ... I'm really sorry for you and I hope you keep being strong.

 

I'm glad my affair ended as I was afraid about what happened to you. So it's not so bad after all, actually it's pretty great.

[P1nginLOVE]

OK...my first day of NC.

 

(Actually the 3rd if you include Saturday and Sunday), but we don't normally call/send texts/emails during weekends. This is to respect his time with his family.

 

Been quite optimistic that I would not break again this time.

---have a big project to accomplish and must give my best performance in two days time. Sometimes I think of him and still trying hard to get my job done...but I hope I can get by!

[P1nginLOVE]

Waverly, I did tell him after one of his comments "that it really hurt me." He would reply with I'm sorry. After a while, I just did not address the comments beacuse each e-mail or text was just as hurtful as the previous one. All he kept telling me was "I am doing the right thing. This is how it has to be." The interesting thing was he never used the words "this is what I want."

 

Mickey...I hope you can recover soon.

Don't let this mess consume you.

I'd like to share something...

When my xMM and I first started the A, he was too dominant and we broke up.

We resumed...the his W found out...we broke up. We had NC, but then as you know, we had regular meetings. When he tried to trigger me to come back to his arms, I told him that I will never be with him...that I had to stay away. it was the right thing to do. Yes, I did break the NC, but he kept asking me to resume A. I kept refusing him in a cold blooded manner and I told him (JUST LIKE WHAT HE TOLD YOU): "I am happy as I am doing the right thing. This is how it has to be."

I told him that to remind myself, too.

I never said "This is what I want." because I of course I did not want to stay away and I wanted to be with him, instead.

So...maybe...just maybe...(I don't want to give you hope)...he still loves and it's hurting him (as I write this) to stay away from you.

[Waverly]

Great news Coco, really pleased the date went well. Thankfully my xMM respected NC through my birthday and although I've felt a little sad I should have been on a beach with his right now, I've had a fun packed birthday weekend with friends and family and had a lovely meal with my children today so feeling blessed that my life is simple and without complication and drama, even if a little lonely at times.

 

Devastated, I hope you enjoyed your birthday! I'm glad you were able to fill it with those who love you and hope you are feeling more at peace every day.

[Mickey1982]

Mickey...I hope you can recover soon.

Don't let this mess consume you.

I'd like to share something...

When my xMM and I first started the A, he was too dominant and we broke up.

We resumed...the his W found out...we broke up. We had NC, but then as you know, we had regular meetings. When he tried to trigger me to come back to his arms, I told him that I will never be with him...that I had to stay away. it was the right thing to do. Yes, I did break the NC, but he kept asking me to resume A. I kept refusing him in a cold blooded manner and I told him (JUST LIKE WHAT HE TOLD YOU): "I am happy as I am doing the right thing. This is how it has to be."

I told him that to remind myself, too.

I never said "This is what I want." because I of course I did not want to stay away and I wanted to be with him, instead.

So...maybe...just maybe...(I don't want to give you hope)...he still loves and it's hurting him (as I write this) to stay away from you.

 

Thanks, P! I do hope you are right and honestly, I have thought that over n over again. His "choice" of words was always the same. "I am doing the right thing."

He never told me "this is what I want to do." Sometimes it makes me feel better yet other times it makes me hurt more if that makes any sense at all. Thanks again for the advice. Your thoughts confirmed my feelings.

[P1nginLOVE]

I would like to break NC right now and say...

"I had just finished a project which was quite successful..

I am really happy right now.."

 

I want to hear his reply...and start a conversation with him...

But...I know I cannot...