my marriage

[Dolly]

I have a problem that I have been trying to overlook, but it is getting worse. I have been with the same man for 8 years and married to him for 3 years. He works out of town and I take care of his teenage daughter of 16. He is only home on Saturday nights, so we only have Sundays to spend together and that day has to be spent with the family.

 

I am a christian girl and 40 years old with a son that still lives in our house as well, he is 20 so I don't have to do anything for him, he works and takes care of himself, basically.

 

My problem is, I can't stand for my husband to touch me. I don't get excited when he comes home and really wouldn't mind if he never did. HELP, SOMEONE! I am going crazy over this situation.

 

In need Dolly!

[Tony T]

Well, it's no wonder. Just seeing someone Saturday nights and Sundays doesn't constitute much of a marriage.

 

The state of mind you describe, in which you are even repulsed by his touch, indicates you have grown well apart from him.

 

I really don't see how counselling can help with this, but I'm not sure. You may seek out a Christian counsellor at a large church nearby for help if you have a desire to get this marriage back on track.

 

Otherwise, I would urge you to see your pastor or a member of the clergy since your mention that you are a Christian would indicate that in whatever action you take you would want to conform with the dictates of your faith.

 

Many Christians divorce once they realize their God does not wish for them to remain unhappy during their lives here. There is no reason you should endure anticipating this unwanted visit by your unwanted husband all week and then having to actually experience it.

 

If you go about this as I have described above, you should have no problems with your religion or feelings of guilt, especially when you have tried and failed to come to some sort of more positive resolution of your feelings.

 

As far as finances go, your husband will have some obligation to you there as well. You can hammer that out in negotiations.

 

I do not define what you have as a marriage. I think it ended some time ago.

[Dolly]

You are so right. I went for some counseling with the Pastor that married us. We are Lutheran! He said that I have to now just submit to him because I have married him and marriage is sacred. This man is a good man, he would never hit me, he isn't a drinker, just an occassional wine or beer, and doesn't do drugs. He, however is not on the same intellectual plateau that I am on, he didn't go to college. We went out to dinner a couple of weeks ago, it was a very nice little spot with great food and wine, and a candle on the table. We sat across from each other and never said a word to each other the entire time we were together. I just want to cry, I have been through two other marriages that were failures, and right now I am feeling as though I am the failure. My first marriage ended because he beat me. My second marriage ended because my husband was set up in a drug deal, he was an attorney, they sent him to prison for 8 years, after 4.5 years of me sitting on the outside waiting for him to return, I decided to move on with my life. At that time I was very lonely, and that is when I met my husband now. I should have known better! So as you see I feel that I will be alienated by my friends that I have in my church because they will feel I should have stayed with him, he is a nice guy.

 

Dolly

Well, it's no wonder. Just seeing someone Saturday nights and Sundays doesn't constitute much of a marriage. The state of mind you describe, in which you are even repulsed by his touch, indicates you have grown well apart from him. I really don't see how counselling can help with this, but I'm not sure. You may seek out a Christian counsellor at a large church nearby for help if you have a desire to get this marriage back on track. Otherwise, I would urge you to see your pastor or a member of the clergy since your mention that you are a Christian would indicate that in whatever action you take you would want to conform with the dictates of your faith. Many Christians divorce once they realize their God does not wish for them to remain unhappy during their lives here. There is no reason you should endure anticipating this unwanted visit by your unwanted husband all week and then having to actually experience it. If you go about this as I have described above, you should have no problems with your religion or feelings of guilt, especially when you have tried and failed to come to some sort of more positive resolution of your feelings. As far as finances go, your husband will have some obligation to you there as well. You can hammer that out in negotiations. I do not define what you have as a marriage. I think it ended some time ago.

[Tony T]

The people in your church have no business judging you in any way for what you do. Just remind them that they are judged themselves according to how they judge others. Don't let your decisions be swayed by people who are in no way affected by them and who don't have to suffer what you are going through.

 

As for your pastor, go seek out another pastor in another church of your faith. Sometimes marriages just don't take. That's why many faiths have annulments...a way the church can pronounce that a marriage never really took place.

 

If your pastor or another on from another church still advises you to hang in there and suffer, seek help from a minister of another Christian faith. I mean it's not like you are the first Christian to want to split from a bad situation...and certainly not the first member of your own religion. Some of these minister's that spout off this stuff are the very ones who are having affairs with some deacon's wife.

 

So do what your conscience dictates. Do what is right for your life. As far as I'm concerned you aren't even married now. You're still young but youth doesn't last forever. God forgives people who make mistakes and you should forgive yourself.

 

Just be a little bit slower getting into things next time.

 

Now, go do what you have to to get out of this mess you're in and STOP LISTENING TO PEOPLE WHO AREN'T IN YOUR SHOES!!!

[ashesmum]

It sounds like to me you need to have your own life. Failed marriages and no time for yourself. Like Tony said, you're separated already. So take the plunge let it be known and get on with your life. You need to have your own life. Have time to do fun things with friends and to be by yourself. Once you have that down starting looking for companionship. It sounds like you jump into one relationship after another. Take a breather. Figure out what you want in life and start down that road. You deserve to give it to yourself. Good luck.

I have a problem that I have been trying to overlook, but it is getting worse. I have been with the same man for 8 years and married to him for 3 years. He works out of town and I take care of his teenage daughter of 16. He is only home on Saturday nights, so we only have Sundays to spend together and that day has to be spent with the family. I am a christian girl and 40 years old with a son that still lives in our house as well, he is 20 so I don't have to do anything for him, he works and takes care of himself, basically.

 

My problem is, I can't stand for my husband to touch me. I don't get excited when he comes home and really wouldn't mind if he never did. HELP, SOMEONE! I am going crazy over this situation.

 

In need Dolly!