After 5 years she (the dumper) says she still loves me.

[livingnightmare]

I joined here 5ish years back as an emotional wreck my story is on here.

 

Out of the blue today my ex my baby mother who dumped me coldly and brutally contacted me literally pleading for forgiveness, this is the first time I have felt her communicate with me in such a manner.

 

She says she still loves me, hurts badly on the thoughts of our dreams kids , home etc Needs me to forgive her and trust and love again, I know she was abused when younger and emphasized this and how she only now sees how it was ruining our relationship as the abuse what happened was consuming her and I got the after effect of it.

 

She even brought up how she had treated me in detail, I'm in shock that she sees it, I'm in shock that for 5 years I've been uncertain if it was me, that it was all my fault and I deserved it.

 

I'm seriously confused right now, she wants to meet and talk tomorrow(I don't have contact with her usually), I've agreed to go, I don't know if I still love her, I think I do, I don't know why I am posting this in so little detail, allot was said. I'm in shock.

 

How do I handle this? is she trying to reach out to me for guilt relief, forgiveness or to try to get me back. I really don't know how to deal with this.

[redbaron005]

Check out this LS thread from 2013. Good luck!

[somegoodman]

I joined here 5ish years back as an emotional wreck my story is on here.

 

Out of the blue today my ex my baby mother who dumped me coldly and brutally contacted me literally pleading for forgiveness, this is the first time I have felt her communicate with me in such a manner.

 

She says she still loves me, hurts badly on the thoughts of our dreams kids , home etc Needs me to forgive her and trust and love again, I know she was abused when younger and emphasized this and how she only now sees how it was ruining our relationship as the abuse what happened was consuming her and I got the after effect of it.

 

She even brought up how she had treated me in detail, I'm in shock that she sees it, I'm in shock that for 5 years I've been uncertain if it was me, that it was all my fault and I deserved it.

 

I'm seriously confused right now, she wants to meet and talk tomorrow(I don't have contact with her usually), I've agreed to go, I don't know if I still love her, I think I do, I don't know why I am posting this in so little detail, allot was said. I'm in shock.

 

How do I handle this? is she trying to reach out to me for guilt relief, forgiveness or to try to get me back. I really don't know how to deal with this.

 

 

What's happening here is that she is starting to come to terms with her aging and declining value in the dating game. So she has turned to you, her "sure thing", and is telling you everything you want to hear in order to ensnare you in her web. She is making her final stake for lifetime security and provisioning. Love has nothing to do with it.

 

 

Do what you want with that information.

[livingnightmare]

Check out this LS thread from 2013. Good luck!

Thanks for that it came in handy, I tried to stick to it as close as possible but not all of it was possible as she contacted me, asked to meet and said "I want to talk to you"

 

I did however move the conversation away from the past as often as possible even though she wanted to meet to explain and apologize.

[livingnightmare]

What's happening here is that she is starting to come to terms with her aging and declining value in the dating game. So she has turned to you, her "sure thing", and is telling you everything you want to hear in order to ensnare you in her web. She is making her final stake for lifetime security and provisioning. Love has nothing to do with it.

 

 

Do what you want with that information.

Thanks I took that info on board to.

[livingnightmare]

First of all I would like to say I'm in some what of a shock and I am very confused on what is going on here, what I want, what she really wants and how I really feel.

 

Met up and there was instant chemistry, eye contact was intense the smiles the emotions, the sadness , this is so surreal and confusing.

 

Straight away she started telling me right from the start how she perceived things, why she done what she done. How she is only now dealing with the sexual abuse her father done to her and physical abuse from her father and mother from the age of five, how she was consumed in it and the feelings from it and trying to kill herself 3 times as a child.

 

How when she cheated when we first got together (I was 24 she 16 after lying that she was 18 only finding out into the relationship on her birthday when it came out she turned 17 which you can imagine was a shock) she never believed anyone would love her and I would leave her or hurt her anyway because that was all she new. I forgave her for that ( how could I hold her for that her head must have been in a messed up place back then.) but because she never helped me get over it or communicated with me over it fully I would throw it in her face or when ever she got emotionally abusive

 

She explained that when she realized how serious I was she felt I deserved better and concentrated all her love on our daughter and once I found out 3 years in she cheated at the beginning, she couldn't face that the only person who loved her now seen her as dirt and a slag and it hurt her tremendously and ran from it and was a coward.

 

When we would argue I would throw this up in her face and call her names ( I realize how wrong this was now and have done since we split and the guilt of that runs deep even though I was pushed) she says that she understands now it was because she never tried to console me for how she hurt me, and from all the other ways she treated me (emotionally abusive) she tried to cover it up and thought it would go away but just frustrated me and fuelled my abusive language which fuelled what she believed I seen her as dirt, which eventually made her leave. She apologized for everything she put me through and I really sensed it was genuine it was very emotional for both of us and both of us as much as we tried to hide it couldn't fully.

 

Says working on dealing with her daemons from her childhood has helped her to change as a person, see things she couldn't before.

 

We spent 2 1/2 hours talking after that on many random things and grabbed a burger together with only the odd mentioning of the past which was moved on from as quick as possible.

 

I told her I'm glad we can talk properly without arguing and she was happy about it to.

 

Like a twat as we were leaving I told her I had missed her (I've not ever said anything like that since she left and have only showed her bitterness anger and hate) she couldn't hide her smile as much as she tried I then followed up with removing a real piece of lint of her shoulder and she allowed me to (from the guide) there was no pull back there was co-operation.

 

As we parted she gave me a big hug and I gave her one, I said I hope we catch up again real soon and she said definitely. I looked back as she walked off and with her head down she was grinning massively it was one of those you cant remove of your face no matter how hard you try grin.

 

I messaged her later on and said that it took a lot of courage for her talk to me so open and ask for forgiveness like that, and I respected her for making the effort and appreciated it cant be easy after everything to admit her faults.

 

She complimented my clothes, noticed I've put weight on etc. The one thing I never done was tell her that I except her apology, I want to make sure I really mean it and not have an outburst later on down the line, I feel I need more time to reflect on everything said and done and If I really truly can forgive without any resentment or holding onto any negative thoughts.

 

I did ask her to forgive me for all bad things I done in the relationship which were wrong full stop, I done them out of frustration from emotional abuse, neglect etc smashed things, slapped her and spat on her after we ended (please do not judge as circumstances in the relationship back then made me unwell mentally and drove me into a place which I know was wrong and was not the real me)

 

If what she is saying is true, this has just totally mind shafted me. I feel no more bitterness at the moment, no hate, weight of my shoulders, I feel like this is tragic.

 

We never mentioned anything along the lines of us ever being together again as I don't know for sure if this is just to relieve guilt, make peace through forgiveness testing the water etc. She says she needs me to be able to be happy again and trust again. Maybe when she says she still loves me its not in love.

 

Life is so strange. I think I may still love her.

[livingnightmare]

Couldn't sleep at all this has really ignited things, what if all she is after is an forgiveness, while the effect on me for that is to get the wrong idea and get hurt again.

 

I really don't know what to do about this. I know for a fact I love her I realize how much I've missed her, f**k my heads screwed.

Edited April 23, 2014 by livingnightmare

[livingnightmare]

I messed up big time, we were having a small text convo and I stupidly told her that seeing her made me realise I never stopped loving her.

 

I got the reply I don't know what to say.

 

I said I would like to get to know you again slowly.

 

She replied Its a good idea but only as friends.

 

I said Im happy with that.

 

Reply So am I

 

Then like an even bigger idiot I said "Yesterday you said you still loved me did you mean that"...

 

What I meant to say was when you said you still love me does that mean in love, but then sent a second one straight away saying "I don't mean to pressure you I need to go to bed anyway for work blah blah good night."

 

I shouldn't have said these things should I?

 

I just feel like I need to know what her objectives are is she seeking us back together or is it just to apologize and clear her conscience?

 

Do I pursue and risk getting hurt badly again?

 

Do I go no contact so I can let her go?

 

Do I ask her what she wants if so how?

 

Is there potential to get her and my family back together I can let go of the past if she has changed as she appears and says.

 

What do I do?

[STM206]

It sounds like you got roped in for an ego boost. I personally would cut it off before it gets more involved.

[redbaron005]

Stop putting so much pressure on yourself and her. If I were you, I would step back for a few days and not contact her during this time. Turn off your phone if need be. In my humble opinion:

 

I shouldn't have said these things should I?

This no longer matters, you said them.

 

I just feel like I need to know what her objectives are is she seeking us back together or is it just to apologize and clear her conscience?

Don't know. Could be what somegoodman suggested, could be reconciliation. Time will tell.

 

Do I pursue and risk getting hurt badly again?

If you love her, its a risk worth taking.

 

Do I go no contact so I can let her go?

^This depends if you are willing to risk being hurt.

 

Do I ask her what she wants if so how?

Not now.

 

What do I do?

Nothing, let her make the next move and the one after that.

[tlegend]

I was going to type up a response, but redbaron said exactly what I was going to say, except he did it better.

 

Noone knows what she's trying to do atm. Sure, it seems like a long awaited reconciliation.

 

However, you also need to realize that you need to see her in a different light. All these comparisons to what she did in the past just shows me that you're still hurt from it.

 

If you are still judging her based on what happened 5 years ago, you will not find solace in a relationship with her. You need to see who she is, not who she was.

[livingnightmare]

It sounds like you got roped in for an ego boost. I personally would cut it off before it gets more involved.

 

What makes you think that? For my understanding.

[livingnightmare]

Stop putting so much pressure on yourself and her. If I were you, I would step back for a few days and not contact her during this time. Turn off your phone if need be. In my humble opinion:

 

I shouldn't have said these things should I?

This no longer matters, you said them.

 

I just feel like I need to know what her objectives are is she seeking us back together or is it just to apologize and clear her conscience?

Don't know. Could be what somegoodman suggested, could be reconciliation. Time will tell.

 

Do I pursue and risk getting hurt badly again?

If you love her, its a risk worth taking.

 

Do I go no contact so I can let her go?

^This depends if you are willing to risk being hurt.

 

Do I ask her what she wants if so how?

Not now.

 

What do I do?

Nothing, let her make the next move and the one after that.

 

When is the time to ask her? Or do I wait for her to put her cards on the table? The unknown is killing me.

[tlegend]

When is the time to ask her? Or do I wait for her to put her cards on the table? The unknown is killing me.

 

Remember what you did to get her off your mind when trying to get over her?

 

Remember your training my young padawan. (This is for the comedic factor, I'm not trying to keep this a serious issue in your eyes. Let's face it, you'll become needy and clingy quicker than you can say WAIT! if you continue this train of thought.)

[livingnightmare]

I was going to type up a response, but redbaron said exactly what I was going to say, except he did it better.

 

Noone knows what she's trying to do atm. Sure, it seems like a long awaited reconciliation.

 

However, you also need to realize that you need to see her in a different light. All these comparisons to what she did in the past just shows me that you're still hurt from it.

 

If you are still judging her based on what happened 5 years ago, you will not find solace in a relationship with her. You need to see who she is, not who she was.

 

Her coming to me, and some of the things she has said along with her attitude is a remarkable change in personality, I really know I can let go of the past, I can understand how we both played a part in the demise of the relationship and I just want to let that go, start fresh working together no secrets, lies being honest and open, I know she has wronged me and I understand my abusive language fuelled her and it created a viscious circle, I was in control of my actions.

 

I also understand that she cheated when young early on in the relationship after coming from a bad life, in hindsight when I found this out years in I realize her telling me about the abuse and other big things in her life that she had no reason to tell me or would I have known was a sign of her trying to show she loved me not knowing how to make things right, being ashamed of it. I understand that the names I called her because I thought she wasn't trying to make an effort to make things right even though she pored her heart out to me was a big mistake of mine, I couldn't see it was a cry and she didn't know what to do and face the problem.

 

I really do forgive her for this, I can understand how her leaving me came about to, we were very dysfunctional and I couldn't see what the name calling rarely but very hurtfully used were doing.

 

She goes to church now many times a week and attends prayer meetings often, is in university, passed her driving licence. These are big changes in her and I like them. I really want to get to know her again for the new her and leave the past behind and be happy.

 

Im hurt because she is not in my life and that she had a rebound so soon after that she rubbed in my face, Im coming to terms at the moment with how I did play an active part in pushing her away though her relationship skills were not brilliant either.

 

We were happy once, I know I can put the bad behind me if she would be open loving honest caring as I have felt before from her, I do believe her upbringing played a massive part in her coping skills with relationships, Im ready to forgive, trust and put the past behind us if she can to. But investing into this and I don't get her back will seriously hurt me, I know that for sure, not trying when I see shes changed will also leave me with what ifs.

[livingnightmare]

Remember what you did to get her off your mind when trying to get over her?

 

Remember your training my young padawan. (This is for the comedic factor, I'm not trying to keep this a serious issue in your eyes. Let's face it, you'll become needy and clingy quicker than you can say WAIT! if you continue this train of thought.)

 

I drank like a fish and broke no contact (wont be doing the drinking bit again) Maybe I need to go over the training again lol How do I stop myself obsessing over this?

 

I'm really confused on how to get through this in the right way without making myself get hurt.

[redbaron005]

When is the time to ask her? Or do I wait for her to put her cards on the table? The unknown is killing me.

 

Curiosity killed the cat. You need to be extremely patient here. Just come on to LS to vent your feelings or when you feel an urge to text. We are good listeners

[livingnightmare]

Curiosity killed the cat. You need to be extremely patient here. Just come on to LS to vent your feelings or when you feel an urge to text. We are good listeners

 

I will follow this advice, You all really are good listeners and LShackers are full of great advice. What would happen if I'm not patient? what are the consequences?

[lil hoodlum]

Livingnightmare, I spent the better part of an hour reading your past threads. Your story was very painfull to read. You have endured so much pain and heartache from this woman. It is clear that you must really care for this woman.

 

I am sorry that you have had to endure all of this. You really do deserve better than this. Not sure if she really has changed much or what seems to have brought out this "new" change in her.

 

I really believe that you need to guard your heart. I would not be initiating anymore conversations with her nor should you be laying all of your "cards" out for her to "read".

 

The fact that she has allready seemed to cool down after your meet up sounds rather discouraging.

 

If she has really changed and is genuinely looking to reconcile with you, she would move mountains to be with you. She would return the same sentiments and not pull back.

 

I really hope the best for you and this situation.

[livingnightmare]

Livingnightmare, I spent the better part of an hour reading your past threads. Your story was very painfull to read. You have endured so much pain and heartache from this woman. It is clear that you must really care for this woman.

 

I am sorry that you have had to endure all of this. You really do deserve better than this. Not sure if she really has changed much or what seems to have brought out this "new" change in her.

 

I really believe that you need to guard your heart. I would not be initiating anymore conversations with her nor should you be laying all of your "cards" out for her to "read".

 

The fact that she has allready seemed to cool down after your meet up sounds rather discouraging.

 

If she has really changed and is genuinely looking to reconcile with you, she would move mountains to be with you. She would return the same sentiments and not pull back.

 

I really hope the best for you and this situation.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read over my past threads, I feel I have endured a lot, I want this all to end to be honest I just want my mind to be free again, Ive had no peace in years now, I was once strong mentally not a care in the world now I feel weight on my shoulders that no matter what I try I can not escape from I can never truly break contact because of our child.

 

I really do care for her, I don't know why after everything? Maybe because I do believe and have a long while that her childhood is why she has acted the way she has. (maybe I'm just in a bad place mentally and lonely desperate for someone anyone to love me I dont know)

 

How do I guard my heart I know I need to, this last 3 days is starting to gather steady momentum gaining toll on it all ready it appears. I will not contact her as you said, I'm afraid its way to late about my cards.

 

The moment I read that about cooling down is ringing alarm bells, your right If I was her and I wanted me back I would have at least said I do but want to date, work steadily on it get to know each other again properly how we should have first etc I would have messaged text done everything. A friend who I met on here text me and said if she's not trying to walk over red hot coals shes not serious... I think you are both right it appears she has pulled back. As same friend said its probably to relief guilt and get an ego boost to see if they can get back into our lives, once they got it they are done.

 

Why know when I felt like I was moving on? I started gym, eating healthy, regular work, made some new friends and circles recently and now this.

[lil hoodlum]

How to "guard" your heart. Don't put yourself in a position for her to hurt you again. You shouldn't be the one to be "putting" yourself out there for her to hurt you. Yes, you may have allready played your cards as she should clearly know how you feel about her. She should be the one to be pursuing you if her intentions are true about reconciling with you. I think you should just act and be positive. Just be cool as a cucumber. Don't go on anymore about how you feel and what you would do for her. I think she allready knows but you should be playing a little harder to get. Do you really want her to just walk in and out of your life so easily?

 

I think the onus is on her to put forth the time and effort if her intentions are honest and true in regards to you, your daughter, and herself.

 

She has clearly started this process, which is good on her part, she needs to continue with it and not cool down or play games with your emotions.

[Darren Steez]

I joined here 5ish years back as an emotional wreck my story is on here.

 

Out of the blue today my ex my baby mother who dumped me coldly and brutally contacted me literally pleading for forgiveness, this is the first time I have felt her communicate with me in such a manner.

 

She says she still loves me, hurts badly on the thoughts of our dreams kids , home etc Needs me to forgive her and trust and love again, I know she was abused when younger and emphasized this and how she only now sees how it was ruining our relationship as the abuse what happened was consuming her and I got the after effect of it.

 

She even brought up how she had treated me in detail, I'm in shock that she sees it, I'm in shock that for 5 years I've been uncertain if it was me, that it was all my fault and I deserved it.

 

I'm seriously confused right now, she wants to meet and talk tomorrow(I don't have contact with her usually), I've agreed to go, I don't know if I still love her, I think I do, I don't know why I am posting this in so little detail, allot was said. I'm in shock.

 

How do I handle this? is she trying to reach out to me for guilt relief, forgiveness or to try to get me back. I really don't know how to deal with this.

 

So let's get this straight, she only contacted you now after five years..and she's your baby's mother? You haven't seen your child in five years? Is that correct?

 

Anyway besides that. So five years after she dumped you in a cruel manner as you put it, all she has to do is give you a call, cry her heart out and that's it? You're already confused? Assuming she's kept you apart from your child, you didn't seem to try hard to get in contact with her? So it's a bit confusing.

 

I'd say no. As for meeting her about rekindling any romance. She dumps you, no contact in five years and one phone call has you leaping at the chance of meeting her. Way to easy.

 

Where's your pride? Your n*ts? Cancel the meeting and tell her if she wants to chat then she can call you and you can talk. Stop jumping like a puppy every time she whistles. No woman respects a doormat, especially one so easy to forgive and meet after just one phone call.

[livingnightmare]

How to "guard" your heart. Don't put yourself in a position for her to hurt you again. You shouldn't be the one to be "putting" yourself out there for her to hurt you. Yes, you may have allready played your cards as she should clearly know how you feel about her. She should be the one to be pursuing you if her intentions are true about reconciling with you. I think you should just act and be positive. Just be cool as a cucumber. Don't go on anymore about how you feel and what you would do for her. I think she allready knows but you should be playing a little harder to get. Do you really want her to just walk in and out of your life so easily?

 

I think the onus is on her to put forth the time and effort if her intentions are honest and true in regards to you, your daughter, and herself.

 

She has clearly started this process, which is good on her part, she needs to continue with it and not cool down or play games with your emotions.

 

You're right I'm leaving myself in a vulnerable place and I don't want her to be able to just walk in and out in that manner, she needs to fight for me, If she does initiate any communication I will try to keep it light. I'm even contemplating going no contact. But then again every option and more is going on in my head.

 

Surely she must know that to come along in this manner if all she wants was forgiveness is selfish?

[livingnightmare]

So let's get this straight, she only contacted you now after five years..and she's your baby's mother? You haven't seen your child in five years? Is that correct?

 

Anyway besides that. So five years after she dumped you in a cruel manner as you put it, all she has to do is give you a call, cry her heart out and that's it? You're already confused? Assuming she's kept you apart from your child, you didn't seem to try hard to get in contact with her? So it's a bit confusing.

 

I'd say no. As for meeting her about rekindling any romance. She dumps you, no contact in five years and one phone call has you leaping at the chance of meeting her. Way to easy.

 

Where's your pride? Your n*ts? Cancel the meeting and tell her if she wants to chat then she can call you and you can talk. Stop jumping like a puppy every time she whistles. No woman respects a doormat, especially one so easy to forgive and meet after just one phone call.

 

My child is stopping at mine now I have been having contact through family and at times without.

 

She has tried to apologize a few times before but not in this manner and attributing the blame on my shoulders and I gave her hell for it in abusive texts.

 

Maybe your right Ive no pride or nuts left on me any more. I've all ready been on the meeting as mentioned.

 

Maybe I am a doormat then and that's probably why there's no sign of her.

[redbaron005]

I will follow this advice, You all really are good listeners and LShackers are full of great advice. What would happen if I'm not patient? what are the consequences?

 

It would be unattractive if your put pressure on her outright, pressure is your enemy. Put yourself in her shoes: you would want someone calm, cool, and collected. Consequences vary but generally it will push her away, possibly forever.