After 5 years she (the dumper) says she still loves me.

[livingnightmare]

It would be unattractive if your put pressure on her outright, pressure is your enemy. Put yourself in her shoes: you would want someone calm, cool, and collected. Consequences vary but generally it will push her away, possibly forever.

 

I will bear this in mind, it is so hard though, I really want to tell her somehow that being friends could knock me right back and all the hard gained recovery I have done over the last 5 years, how I can't be friends and not have feelings and how I could end up being hurt again. The desire to say this somehow or somehow bring up that I don't want any false hope is getting to me, the longer I'm leaving it I feel as if I'm falling into false hope deeper.

 

Just my luck that this is just to make peace nothing more and the things she has said love, hurt future kids, is just her way of trying to soften things, but doesn't see its giving me false hope.

 

I just want to curl up sleep and wake up when this whole soul wrenching period of my life has passed. I really felt I'd come so far on a very slow, long and tough journey, this is starting to hurt again and I know it shouldn't and is very unhealthy for me.

 

This uncertainty is eating at me, I feel as if this was selfish of her to say I still love you mention hurt about the dreams of kids home etc then just not contact me, why cant she see I willl get false hope.

 

I'm starting to feel broken again this really isn't good. I have no idea how to take this of my mind I was at work yesterday and as much as I tried I could not concentrate at all, I know I was hurt bad, but I'm starting to believe I am now a spiritual wreck and my soul is broken beyond repair. I see love shackers breaking up and getting over relationships in months and no mater what Iv'e tried I have a massive grey cloud that follows me everywhere.

 

I'm realising how shattered my self esteem is, maybe this is why I feel so confused after all these years, why Ive been single ever since, why I feel unatractive, and why I cant attract women. Really need to know where I stand, but don't know how to get this, the longer I wait in false hope the deeper I fall.

[Youngy952]

Having been in a situation like this in the past when my ex partner has returned five or six times - albeit not after 5 years, it does seem like she has you exactly where she wants you - hooked in again.

 

She probably does want you back, but at least from my own experiences, they like having this control.

 

I've only briefly read over your posts so forgive me if this isn't already in there, but does she have any mental health issues? Given her past it would seem incredibly likely that she does. Also, after child birth, these issues can often get much, much worse. I know this is the case with my ex partner currently.

[livingnightmare]

Having been in a situation like this in the past when my ex partner has returned five or six times - albeit not after 5 years, it does seem like she has you exactly where she wants you - hooked in again.

 

She probably does want you back, but at least from my own experiences, they like having this control.

 

I've only briefly read over your posts so forgive me if this isn't already in there, but does she have any mental health issues? Given her past it would seem incredibly likely that she does. Also, after child birth, these issues can often get much, much worse. I know this is the case with my ex partner currently.

How did you get through it?

 

I will keep your experiences to mind.

 

DownTown posted on a thread of mine that she has classic traits of borderline personality disorder, I done a bit of looking into this and she has a lot of the traits and I am convinced she does have some mental health issues stemming from her childhood.

 

The problems with her attitude towards me, neglect, verbal abuse, emotional abuse etc happened straight after child birth. In her messages the other day she explained that she needed someone to love that would never leave her or hurt her ( down to her child hood) so when our daughter was born she found that and I got side lined.

[livingnightmare]

Well today at work was a tough day, couldn't concentrate, everything seemed heavy, gut wrench feelings, suffocating feeling etc, I had forgotten what they had felt like and the twangs of it make me feel like I've lost sight of the light at the end of the tunnel. I was close to walking off from my job, but I done that when the split happened, even after a good friend said I need to stay and focus on work or it will make things worse.. he was right. So I new better to stay no matter how I felt at times.

 

All these comparisons to what she did in the past just shows me that you're still hurt from it.

 

I am still hurt from it very hurt, the feelings came out today as posted above. I had a brief loss of the hurt when I thought she is coming back into my life, I'm now not certain If I have really forgiven her deep within, now I'm feeling like this.

[livingnightmare]

I really can't understand why I'm not over the ordeals I went through, do people ever get over extreme hurt from first loves? Now I'm back from work I've sort of calmed my mind to a degree, it always feels slightly better when I post on here.

 

I'm thinking maybe her messages were mixed because of the text arguments for a long time after the break up where I had told her I hated her, I would never want her back etc made her not see what bringing up "still loves me" "Future kids, family home" mean, and used it as away of softening things for her apology and guilt relief.

 

I feel kind of used at the moment as well, that this person who caused so much hurt has just come into my life after I was focusing forward again, asked for forgiveness for them, then has now disappeared into the sunset free of guilt while I now have been knocked back considerably, and gained nothing.

 

I really can never see me and her being friends, or have any communication for a long while unless we were back together or I really and truly get over her, and I get over the pain and burden I carry. maybe this pain is not having her in my life any more more than what she done, my main reason for being willing to try again is because of her childhood and age when she done all these things to me. I can understand how it can effect people in life and how my verbal abuse must have made her feel like dirt and scum as she put it.

 

I'm starting to think I need to concentrate on just try to keep moving on at the moment, but my thoughts are so erratic they change wildly.

 

Typing here really helps me to be honest.

[tlegend]

I really can't understand why I'm not over the ordeals I went through, do people ever get over extreme hurt from first loves? Now I'm back from work I've sort of calmed my mind to a degree, it always feels slightly better when I post on here.

 

I'm thinking maybe her messages were mixed because of the text arguments for a long time after the break up where I had told her I hated her, I would never want her back etc made her not see what bringing up "still loves me" "Future kids, family home" mean, and used it as away of softening things for her apology and guilt relief.

 

I feel kind of used at the moment as well, that this person who caused so much hurt has just come into my life after I was focusing forward again, asked for forgiveness for them, then has now disappeared into the sunset free of guilt while I now have been knocked back considerably, and gained nothing.

 

I really can never see me and her being friends, or have any communication for a long while unless we were back together or I really and truly get over her, and I get over the pain and burden I carry. maybe this pain is not having her in my life any more more than what she done, my main reason for being willing to try again is because of her childhood and age when she done all these things to me. I can understand how it can effect people in life and how my verbal abuse must have made her feel like dirt and scum as she put it.

 

I'm starting to think I need to concentrate on just try to keep moving on at the moment, but my thoughts are so erratic they change wildly.

 

Typing here really helps me to be honest.

 

Get back to work and think about this crap for about 15 whole minutes after gym / dinner / fav tv show / some other activity.

 

Don't dwell. Let it go. Revisit it when you're in a better place.

 

For now, you're doing nothing but rocking back and forth, very much like a rocking chair. Gives you something to do, but doesn't get you anywhere.

[Darren Steez]

What woman exactly can't you attract? You do know that's a bunch of hokum right?

 

You sit there feeling sorry for yourself, meanwhile this woman who nearly destroyed you half ass*s her way back into your life and your life is destroyed again?

 

She's just a girl. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

5 years dude, if you really do have a child then you better think of their well being because getting back with this woman will only end in tears. This type of co-dependence is not healthy for anyone.

 

For heavens sake she cheated on you then dumped you in the worst way? Aren't you p*ssed off that someone can treat you like that.

Aren't you p*ssed off someone has that much control over your life and the worst thing is you know they don't give a toss about you!

Aren't you p*ssed off, you don't even want to date anyone else because someone destroyed your heart and you're still 5 years hence putting yourself back together again?

 

Join a dating site and get hit up by women.

 

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start putting that wasted energy to good use. Join a gym, work out, go running, start to feel good about yourself.

 

Walk up to a random girl and say hi and smile, then walk away, see her reaction, feel good about connecting with people and forming new relationships.

 

Go out and enjoy yourself. If you do insist on drinking, go out somewhere and do it...but leave your phone at home.

 

FFS. Go and enjoy life, but don't call her or text her. Let her go, you feel yourself feeling the urge to text, think about your pride.

[livingnightmare]

Get back to work and think about this crap for about 15 whole minutes after gym / dinner / fav tv show / some other activity.

 

Don't dwell. Let it go. Revisit it when you're in a better place.

 

For now, you're doing nothing but rocking back and forth, very much like a rocking chair. Gives you something to do, but doesn't get you anywhere.

 

I'm going to do my best to be more aware of my thoughts and try to lock them off once they get going, but I know to well how hard this is. I agree I'm not in a stable position to be pondering over all of this, I'm clearly heading in a negative direction and maybe I'm starting to realise Iv'e not healed enough to deal with this.

[No Limit]

Don't give in. You have to be presistent this time, or else you'll be at her mercy again - and she doesn't have any. Back to NC.

[livingnightmare]

What woman exactly can't you attract? You do know that's a bunch of hokum right?

 

You sit there feeling sorry for yourself, meanwhile this woman who nearly destroyed you half ass*s her way back into your life and your life is destroyed again?

 

She's just a girl. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

5 years dude, if you really do have a child then you better think of their well being because getting back with this woman will only end in tears. This type of co-dependence is not healthy for anyone.

 

For heavens sake she cheated on you then dumped you in the worst way? Aren't you p*ssed off that someone can treat you like that.

Aren't you p*ssed off someone has that much control over your life and the worst thing is you know they don't give a toss about you!

Aren't you p*ssed off, you don't even want to date anyone else because someone destroyed your heart and you're still 5 years hence putting yourself back together again?

 

Join a dating site and get hit up by women.

 

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start putting that wasted energy to good use. Join a gym, work out, go running, start to feel good about yourself.

 

Walk up to a random girl and say hi and smile, then walk away, see her reaction, feel good about connecting with people and forming new relationships.

 

Go out and enjoy yourself. If you do insist on drinking, go out somewhere and do it...but leave your phone at home.

 

FFS. Go and enjoy life, but don't call her or text her. Let her go, you feel yourself feeling the urge to text, think about your pride.

 

Something inside me tells me you are right and this is how I should deal with this. I know this comes down to self esteem issues, being a late starter and only ever being with my ex. I guess I don't know what its like to be loved properly as the only type of love I know is from my ex, it was there at times, very intense when shown, but then it had its very dysfunctional train wreck, self/anyone close destructive side. I have nothing to bench mark love or relationships with so I guess I hold on to the good times dearly. Longing for feelings like the good times when we were close. I guess I'm lonely in general as well. If I had good self esteem and was not this lonely I probably would have got over her by now.

 

When I think about it deep down I am really pi**ed off and before this contact I always felt like I needed some sort of revenge, but know that is not a good thing to do and will not do. I am some what regretting giving her forgiveness now and feel used again. And tonight strange enough you saying this I'm getting twangs of anger in me again, believe me the depths of being pissed off and anger I went through were some of the hardest feelings to resist from in my life, but I like the way you put it, it's like a wake up slap.

 

I do have a child and my daughter has seen no more animosity between us since we split. I will always keep things that way no matter what happens.

 

A good friend of mine who is very confident around people in general is saying the same as you regards going out and is forcing me to come out with him on Saturday to socialise with people and take my mind of things he says, I think that may do me some good.

[livingnightmare]

Don't give in. You have to be presistent this time, or else you'll be at her mercy again - and she doesn't have any. Back to NC.

 

You are right there was no mercy at all. Something is telling me that's what I need to do, go back to NC. My family is usually go between to pick my daughter up and I am contemplating blocking her again. I only unblocked her because a female friend wanted to see what she looked like and I forgot to block her, and within 2 weeks of unblocking her this has happened. The worst thing is I feel slightly guilty for saying to her I want to get to know her again (as the supposedly "new her"), but I know deep down after damaging me to my soul she doesn't deserve a reason.

[livingnightmare]

Feeling slightly more back on the path, maybe because we haven't been in contact, I'm judging this by my thoughts when I woke up, it didn't sting as much.

 

Felt myself attempting to dwell on it and have been successful stopping the deep cycle of thoughts I put my self through when stressed, I think very deep and over analyse everything loosing focus.

 

Getting worried that leaving my phone/fb etc unblocked to her for communication is setting me up for knock backs, as I am guessing the odd hellos at random times may pop up now "I've forgiven her".

 

I need to make the choice of blocking her or not and keeping responses extremely light if she does message. Its a long time now for someone wanting someone back and not contact them, if it was me I would have been calling arranging to meet up, texting, really trying to do my best to show I've changed and can be trusted, open, honest, loving. This situation is very far from that, looking at actions and all that.

 

Hopefully I'm starting to see more sense now. And hopefully it lasts. But I know its not as simple as that.

 

I really fell for it didn't I.

[Youngy952]

How did you get through it?

 

I will keep your experiences to mind.

 

DownTown posted on a thread of mine that she has classic traits of borderline personality disorder, I done a bit of looking into this and she has a lot of the traits and I am convinced she does have some mental health issues stemming from her childhood.

 

The problems with her attitude towards me, neglect, verbal abuse, emotional abuse etc happened straight after child birth. In her messages the other day she explained that she needed someone to love that would never leave her or hurt her ( down to her child hood) so when our daughter was born she found that and I got side lined.

 

I got through it, by not getting through it, if that makes sense. During all of our break ups, as I started to heal she'd hook me back in. I provided for her as a door mat. Only to be let down again.

 

She has split up with me again earlier this year. I scarily see the same behaviors from her - i.e flaunting her new relationship, sending me provocative texts etc.

 

I also have a child with my ex so it is incredibly tricky to let go, but if she does have mental issues or anything like that, you will be abandoned again unless she acknowledges her issues and takes responsibility.

[livingnightmare]

I got through it, by not getting through it, if that makes sense. During all of our break ups, as I started to heal she'd hook me back in. I provided for her as a door mat. Only to be let down again.

 

She has split up with me again earlier this year. I scarily see the same behaviors from her - i.e flaunting her new relationship, sending me provocative texts etc.

 

I also have a child with my ex so it is incredibly tricky to let go, but if she does have mental issues or anything like that, you will be abandoned again unless she acknowledges her issues and takes responsibility.

 

Sorry you been through all of that, I think I understand what you mean, you must carry a lot of hurt in you?

 

That's what I find the hardest part to let go of because of having a child together, it keeps me mentally bonded, maybe its not just loosing the ex why it hurts, but I see it as I lost my family.

 

She says to me she is dealing with her past and was consumed in it before when we were together. I have thought of that though, what if she done it again.

[livingnightmare]

Today was a much better day at work, only when I was smashing concrete and doing various other mindless jobs on site did I find my mind starting to drift into the bad pattern of thoughts I struggle with, but I did manage to snap my self out of them.

 

I'm in a much more positive state, not about us having a better chance than ever (If at all) in the last 5 years reconciling, but a feeling of acceptance of the situation that its unknown what is going on as of yet, the hostility's have ceased (they take a lot out of me), and I get a sense of peace from that.

 

Something is also telling me I'm accepting that nothing might come of this and there is no point chasing, she needs to chase me, I've give her a chance by accepting her apology now she has a chance to prove through her actions she has changed, I wont accept anything less. I'm certain my moods will change, but the fact that I'm in this mood now, gives me hope of being stronger.

[No Limit]

Your moods can switch all they want, as long as you don't reach out to her it's fine. But yeah, I doubt she'll put action to her words, honestly.

[livingnightmare]

Your moods can switch all they want, as long as you don't reach out to her it's fine. But yeah, I doubt she'll put action to her words, honestly.

 

To be honest I doubt she will either. Something tells me this is all about her I could be wrong though.

[livingnightmare]

I was messaged this evening asking to call my daughter as she just got to hers from mine and wanted to speak to me. She mentioned I am a great dad, an awesome person and apologised for everything once again.

 

I also got I do still love you for who you were and are but the things we have been through I cant say I'm in love with you.... Once again unclear to me what this is saying... would have thought "I'm not in love with you" would be clearer, or she trying to soften everything.

 

She also brought up kids home etc again but said straight after " but so much has happened that cant be changed that I'm not hoping for these things any more, but I do wish for you to be happy meet someone who can make you happy have all those things and not blame yourself for anything ..... Once again unclear to me and makes me think if she thinks things are so destroyed between us she's given up on hope for what she wants or once again trying to soften things.

 

I didn't ask her what it all meant as I'm feeling calmer, more in control of myself and not so caught up in this all any more. Its a good feeling of hope for my sanity and that maybe I'm being nostalgic? I know no other relationship.

 

Well in my eyes more confusing messages, but my brain itself doesn't feel so confused any more, I'm not saying I don't want to know what these messages mean, but the potential answers are not bothering anywhere near as much and not much at all. I'm also glad this contact hasn't ruffled up any feelings whatsoever.

 

Not feeling the urge so bad to reconcile any more, when I did call to speak to my daughter and the ex answered I had no urge to have a conversation with her at all, as in I felt cant be bothered. Perhaps Iv'e been trapped in bad feelings for so long the contact is helping me get unstuck? Who knows, all I know is strange goings on are going on in my mind, I am hoping somehow this is for the best, my gut feeling is telling me I would prefer to be indifferent and get over her than be with her. Just hope I feel even better tomorrow and my mood don't switch again.

[lil hoodlum]

It really sounds like she is begining to sing another tune. Four days ago, she loved you, needed your forgiveness, and needed you to trust her. Wonder what happened in the last four days? I am so sorry to hear of this friend. It doesn't sound very hopefull.

 

Anyways, I have to commend you on how you seem to be handling it today and your reaction to this latest bit of news.

 

I pray that this situation will have a positive outcome for you.

 

Take care of yourself friend.

[livingnightmare]

It really sounds like she is begining to sing another tune. Four days ago, she loved you, needed your forgiveness, and needed you to trust her. Wonder what happened in the last four days? I am so sorry to hear of this friend. It doesn't sound very hopefull.

 

Anyways, I have to commend you on how you seem to be handling it today and your reaction to this latest bit of news.

 

I pray that this situation will have a positive outcome for you.

 

Take care of yourself friend.

 

And the tune changes again.

 

I had a few things to deal with the past week and focused on that and kept my mind of it the best I could so I didnt visit here just to not focus so much and have a think. Thanks for your support in this, it is much appreciated and needed.

[livingnightmare]

Once again I got the aplogizing, how much she wishes she can change things, but cant, how she was selfish and a coward, how when I found out about the cheating incident at the very beggining of the relationship I looked on her differently because I couldnt understand how people make mistakes, she was young and how her life had led her not to believe I was serious about her, how it hurt her because I never truely forgave her and she could see it in my eyes.

 

How after I found out in bad arguements I would call her every name under the sun and now and again bring up the cheating incident, even though she admits that she would cause the arguements most of the time and say bad things out of imaturity, being consumed in anger from her childhood. She said she just wanted me to know how she felt and thought at this period in time, not shift the blame as we both treated each other badly. How that hurt her and wore her down over the following 2 years where she was numbed and blinded from the pain of the situation that she had caused and could see no way of fixing it and couldnt see "us" anymore and could only feel like she wanted to breath and get space to become a better person, mother, partner.

 

She said how when I wouldnt let her go she felt like I was emotionally blackmailing her and making her want to escape more and the viscious arguements at the end pushed her away that she wanted to run even faster and did. Text arguements ensued and while feeling down about the situation out clubbing with her single friends and encouraged hooked up with some guy from a club thinking it would make her feel better about things. This was where I was looking for my daughter and verbally abused her text wise considerably and when I got through on the phone to her she told me what she had got up to with this guy because of the anger she could only see at the time, and anger with herself for making this mistake ,and explained why she blamed me for making this happen to her a few months later in viscious text arguements.

 

She asked me if I wanted to come up for dinner soon on a week day and suprise my daughter after school, and also another dinner on a sunday. But doesnt want to talk about the past because she has changed as a person and learned from our mistakes, she says she doesnt become arguementative so quick, listens, comunicates is happier inside and grown, worked on her problems, become very religious, attending church, prayer meetings etc regulary, and is much happier and doesnt want to go through the pain of the last few years in the relationship again or bare to cause me any more hurt. she said that she sees I have changed and can communicate better as well and she likes the change. She said she is willing to be friends but can not guarentee us being together unless it takes great understanding from both of us to see where we both went wrong and why she ended up hurting me like that and how she regrets it every day.

 

Please kick me if I'm being suckered in but I cant help feel that she could be right on the take on things, and Ive been blinded by my own hurt and pain and my imaturity and view on the relationship since finding out about the cheating incident years ago that I'm not seeing things from her point of view or did. I can't help but feel I realy did push her away from me and she endured degrading name calling over a period of time that I justified by her treatment of me, I feel if faced with a situation like that again I would walk and not lower myself, If I had done this maybe things would have been different, maybe I am all she ever wanted and this can be fixed.

 

Something tells me she has made contact because she does want me and still loves me has thoughts of us, but she wants to see and needs to see if I can truely forgive her for hurting me and have changed as she says she has changed in regarding abusing each other and making each other unhappy.

 

Yeah Im confused

Something says shes unsure.

Something says Im unsure.

Something says in me I shouldnt go here this is dangerous.

 

Something says I need to fully forgive understand the past for how it happened how I did play my part, and how we all make mistakes and get my family back together.

 

Dam, seriously testing times again, but I do feel I'm in a stronger position now to deal with this no matter what happens, but deep down I feel like we were meant to be together..... Someone slap me up please.

[FredJones80]

livingnightmare it sounds like you've been through a lot, perhaps too much for a relationship to survive.

 

One thing that does tend to crop up on this forum is "if its meant to be" and you have months even years apart to realise where you both went wrong then you can come back together.

 

If that is possible I don't know. I would certainly like to think me and my ex could come back together at some point in the future but for me that is unlikely, we will never be in contact again and never bump in to each other in the street.

 

One common theme in life is, never go back to an ex - you broke up for a reason. I guess it depends if that reason is still there or if it has gone.

 

You both sound like you were immature when you first got together and have grown up a lot since. The only issue I see is no matter what you did, it is no excuse for "making" someone cheat on you. She chose to cheat and the responsibility lies only with her.

 

If she has done it before and thought blaming you was acceptable then she can do it again?

 

Only you know her well enough to know if she has changed and ultimately only you can decide if you're willing to take the risk of being hurt again for the chance of being happy long term. Then again, who is to say you haven't both changed enough to now be incompatible with each other? What attracted you to each other years ago might no longer be there.

 

Oh, and another thing looking at your topic title. My ex told me she still loves me, always has, always will.... but we're not together... go figure? I guess the saying "love isn't always enough" rings true.

 

Good luck my fellow brit

Edited April 30, 2014 by FredJones80

[livingnightmare]

livingnightmare it sounds like you've been through a lot, perhaps too much for a relationship to survive.

 

One thing that does tend to crop up on this forum is "if its meant to be" and you have months even years apart to realise where you both went wrong then you can come back together.

 

If that is possible I don't know. I would certainly like to think me and my ex could come back together at some point in the future but for me that is unlikely, we will never be in contact again and never bump in to each other in the street.

 

One common theme in life is, never go back to an ex - you broke up for a reason. I guess it depends if that reason is still there or if it has gone.

 

You both sound like you were immature when you first got together and have grown up a lot since. The only issue I see is no matter what you did, it is no excuse for "making" someone cheat on you. She chose to cheat and the responsibility lies only with her.

 

If she has done it before and thought blaming you was acceptable then she can do it again?

 

Only you know her well enough to know if she has changed and ultimately only you can decide if you're willing to take the risk of being hurt again for the chance of being happy long term. Then again, who is to say you haven't both changed enough to now be incompatible with each other? What attracted you to each other years ago might no longer be there.

 

Oh, and another thing looking at your topic title. My ex told me she still loves me, always has, always will.... but we're not together... go figure? I guess the saying "love isn't always enough" rings true.

 

Good luck my fellow brit

 

I ask the same thing can we come back from all of this hurt we both caused each other.

 

I think years on we both realize things we wouldnt admit or aknowledge whilst together.

 

The main problem was communication is my eyes, so far we seem to be able to communicate better than before. but I guess the more we interact we will find out.

 

So far she appears to have changed but obviously we have not had much communication yet so time will tell. That is the gamble I'm weighing up to risk being hurt again. In some strange way that would be comforting if I find I really dont have any feelings for her anymore once I get to know her again and I decide I don't want to be with her.

 

I've thought of that a lot about love sometimes is not enough. I felt that feeling since the split and told her that then, like somehow I new she still loved me but was confused, she told me today the arguements, because they went on so long, put a cloud over her and she couldnt see through it.

 

Thank you FredJones80

[livingnightmare]

I have been having a good thought this evening and I think the biggest obsticle is If I can forgive her, she forgives me for everything, but the one thing that goes over and over in my mind is who she rebounded with so soon after the relationship, the way she told me, the words she said.

 

I know if I can not forgive her for this and truely understand how this situation came about by the both of us I don't think it will ever work.

 

Can a person forget being dumped then being told about the rebound straight away out of anger and blame and hurt after 6 years together? How do I truely forgive this?

 

How do I stop the thoughts of who this person was, what they done, was he better than me, (she did compare me at the time) she now says it was out of hurt and anger and getting attention that she hadnt had in a long time as we had argued for so long and so much, because at the time she sees it as I turned her into this person. So held me responsible for it. How do I forgive and forget this.

 

Seriously is this even worth pursuing. There are things I want to know in this area. Do I need to? Do I need to let it go and never find out?

 

Really could do with some serious guidance here, on one hand I could have my family back together and we could all be happy.

 

In another hand we could get back together and I cant truely forgive and one day it all comes out and it causes even more destruction that this time my daughter who is a lot older now would probably be more effected by it.

 

Or then again I ruin it before it even gets that far by the way I'm thinking now.

 

Really not sure on what to do.

 

Do women get pushed away and end up in the situation described because of constant argueing and abusivness to one another? Walk out because the hurt blinds the love? Enter a rebound straight away because of it?

 

I need some sort of reality check to stop my thoughts going haywire. This place is my only source of guidance as I have no one else to talk to about these matters.

[FredJones80]

Lots of questions needing lots of answers.

 

Ask yourself, if she didn't start this up recently then would you have ever considered it yourself and if not why? If you answer this then maybe you can find answers to the whole situation.

 

She might be able to forgive you, but can you forgive her? It doesn't matter what she forgives you for, if you can't get past what she did to you then its not going to work from the start. You either start a clean slate or don't start at all.

 

If you split up and she rebounded to someone else, then that happens, it might not be great, it might not be what you would do, but people do it. I wouldn't like it myself but if you're split up then what she does is her business? especially if there was no chance of you getting back together.

 

Are you considering it for your family or yourself? You say you could have your family back together but what you need to focus on is what is best for you? It seems you're doing fine child wise between you and her so no need to rock the boat unless for your own benefit. As you say, further upset could do more harm than good in your relationship with each other where your daughter is concerned.

 

Maybe you need to hear the full facts of what went on and decide if you believe what you're being told, can you truly get over them, if not then its going nowhere, if you can then you have to stick to that thought and never raise it in future in frustration etc.

 

If you do explore getting back with her, I advise taking it extremely slowly... extremely...

 

I'm no expert, perhaps someone else has some opinions, I'm just giving you mine.

Edited April 30, 2014 by FredJones80