After 5 years she (the dumper) says she still loves me.

[livingnightmare]

Fist of all OP, I'm sorry for all this woman has put you through. Your relationship seemed very dysfunctional from what you've described, and both of you have been through alot. She cheated, and you were abusive. Verbally, but still abusive.

 

I think, IMHO, that from what she has said to you, That you should be friends, and that she wants you to meet someone else and trust again, she is only looking to reconnect with you on a friendship level and probably to be better co-parents together for your daughter. Nothing she has said implies she wants to get back into a relationship with you.

You guys have a child together and that means that she will be a part of your life pretty much forever. Maybe she wants to move on from the past and start a new relationship with you as friends and co-parents. And yes, she may still love you... just not in the way you are hoping.

 

This is really dangerous for you as you have fallen right back to where you were 5 years ago. I hope you can take a step back for your own sake and really evaluate whats going on here.

She might have thought that 5 years was long enough for you to "get over her" and was hoping to start afresh, a new way.

 

 

Have you dated or had a relationship with anyone else in the 5 years since you broke up?

 

Thank you for your insight Million.to.1, I am starting to think this is exactly what it is all about.

 

I had felt last week that I was falling back fast but the last few days I have been feeling a bit better again. It makes sense her thinking that now after 5 years because I will agree it is a long time.

 

I have only ever been with her and not been with anyone since, I have no confidence around women at all now because of how this ended with the comparing of me to a stranger sexually, physically and emotionally everything about me. Its hard to snap out of the effect that had on me.

 

I think it is time now to really move on. This is clearly not good for me and it will rub over into other areas of my life. I wont let this happen again I just got to think about how to go no contact without causing any animosity between us, I would have blocked her and been done with her if we didn't have a child together, but it makes it so much more awkward.

[Million.to.1]

I have only ever been with her and not been with anyone since, I have no confidence around women at all now because of how this ended with the comparing of me to a stranger sexually, physically and emotionally everything about me. Its hard to snap out of the effect that had on me.

.

 

You need to realise that she said these thing to hurt you at a time she was angry and looking for justification for her terrible behaviour. They are not true and even if they were, they are only relevant to her, not other woman.

You can't let stuff like that that someone says to you, in order to hurt you, dictate how you feel about yourself. You have let this woman control you for too long and if you keep telling yourself that you have no confidence around woman, then you will never have any.

You seem like a great guy. Compassionate, willing to make change in your life, you listen, are polite... you are a catch.

 

You need to get out there and date. There are heaps of single woman your age who may have kids of their own, who would love to meet a nice guy like you.

 

Your ex is not the be-all and end-all of your love life.

 

I think you should try to keep a civil relationship with your ex and work towards being friends. Be good parents. No contact has not worked for you in that you have actually moved on, and I think that seeing your ex might help you move past this anxiety. I think that sometimes NC just delays or masks true healing... the healing you do when you can accept that you are just not right for each other.....

[livingnightmare]

You need to realise that she said these thing to hurt you at a time she was angry and looking for justification for her terrible behaviour. They are not true and even if they were, they are only relevant to her, not other woman.

You can't let stuff like that that someone says to you, in order to hurt you, dictate how you feel about yourself. You have let this woman control you for too long and if you keep telling yourself that you have no confidence around woman, then you will never have any.

You seem like a great guy. Compassionate, willing to make change in your life, you listen, are polite... you are a catch.

 

You need to get out there and date. There are heaps of single woman your age who may have kids of their own, who would love to meet a nice guy like you.

 

Your ex is not the be-all and end-all of your love life.

 

I think you should try to keep a civil relationship with your ex and work towards being friends. Be good parents. No contact has not worked for you in that you have actually moved on, and I think that seeing your ex might help you move past this anxiety. I think that sometimes NC just delays or masks true healing... the healing you do when you can accept that you are just not right for each other.....

 

I know it was just to hurt me out of anger, but hurt it did, and she new exactly the things that would hurt me the most, this pain has died down considerably, it was excruciating at the time, I look back and do not ever want to feel like that again, your right I have let her control my life for far to long and to be honest I would prefer to be indifferent than to have her back.

 

I think I made my recovery a lot worse and damaged my self esteem more by heavily drinking for a long time as I thought I couldn't take the pain or try to feel it to grieve, I done this for 2 years then had a 3 month break and got really depressed and hit it again for another year. I feel this done considerable damage as in how I talked to myself and what I believed of myself, the things I got up to, the company I kept etc whilst been drunk so much. I'm out of that now though.

 

Thank you for your kind words I just got to believe it fully within myself.

 

As of the last few months I had stepped up my effort to be more confident around women by training more serious, putting on weight, getting a new wardrobe etc, but I find it hard to say just a simple hi and need to start just saying it, but on a strange good point I got friend zoned recently lol And its a good thing as she has become a great friend and she reminds me, kicks my ass in gear when I doubt myself that there is nothing wrong with how I look, how I am as a person etc and tells me its because I don't have any female friends apart from her or ever go out and make new circles, that I don't get the chance to build my confidence around people who are positive minded.

 

I need to start working on these areas and many others with more effort than ever before. As I reckon dating might help me considerably as when I feel lonely my thoughts revert to my ex as thats all I know.

 

I vow to myself I'm going to be civil from now on and not let any more animosity come between us even If I am provoked in some way or form, as all it has ever done is bring more misery back at me, I'm tired with that and that stubborn side of me has run its course, but I'm going to keep communication as low as possible and may put off any invitations to go round for dinner etc until I'm really ready. To be honest I don't think I have ever been able to implement full no contact for longer than a few months and it always ended with arguments which knocked me straight back to square 1 every time I got a response I didn't like.

 

One thing for certain this contact has allowed me to see things from a different perspective so maybe your right that trying to implement no contact for so long has kept me in a state of suspension where I haven't been able to step out from that mind set? Whatever I do I can not afford to slip back in time and let it effect my life any longer, I feel much calmer at the moment anyway, maybe this is the final furlong of finding peace and acceptance and finally moving on... I really hope so.

[livingnightmare]

Great feeling tonight, the lack of contact has calmed my emotions down, and I can hand on heart say I'm not bothered if she doesn't want to reconcile, In fact I think its for the best how I feel tonight. Hopefully she wont contact me for a while and the emotions will die right down again. I know that feelings go up and down and can change one day to the next, but theres a strange calm going through me tonight, I sure hope this lasts.

[FredJones80]

Great feeling tonight, the lack of contact has calmed my emotions down, and I can hand on heart say I'm not bothered if she doesn't want to reconcile, In fact I think its for the best how I feel tonight. Hopefully she wont contact me for a while and the emotions will die right down again. I know that feelings go up and down and can change one day to the next, but theres a strange calm going through me tonight, I sure hope this lasts.

 

Glad you're feeling better mate, your story is a heart wrencher.

 

Still wish I could reach out to you and tell you my personal story, I can't go in to great detail here but I have a feeling it could answer some of your past perhaps.

[livingnightmare]

Glad you're feeling better mate, your story is a heart wrencher.

 

Still wish I could reach out to you and tell you my personal story, I can't go in to great detail here but I have a feeling it could answer some of your past perhaps.

 

I look back and that was the hardest time ever in my life, and it took a lot out of me.

 

I would love to hear your story mate, any insight would be a blessing and of course you got my support as you deal with your break up.

 

Does anyone know how to turn the PM system on?

[William]

Does anyone know how to turn the PM system on?

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/loveshack-org-questions-comments/373984-consolidated-question-information-thread-private-messages#post4342319

 

 

Now back to the discussion.

[livingnightmare]

Feeling great again, no urge to contact her or anything. Im sure this is more to do with the pain of the ending, this woman been my first love, mother of my child, me not being with another woman and expectations that I conjured up in the relationship that were unrealistic, I think I have woke up like never before.

 

I have been looking at this objectively and I really do deserve better than this, I will heal fully If I allow myself to, I can and will let go of the past if I work on it. I know theres women out there that are loyal, will not push me to my limits and bring problems into my life, reading through this forum confirms this for me.

 

I look back at that failed relationship and realize there were many years of hurt, dysfunction, abuse, tainted with the cheating at the beginning. I'm imagining how good a relationship must be with someone that can be loyal, not abusive, communicates, listens, shares a bed right these thoughts alone are enough to tell me what I really want, I know the way she left me would never get out of my head if we got back together and I would be hurting for the rest of my life.

 

I really dont want my ex back anymore.

[livingnightmare]

Feeling like an idiot tonight for entertaining the thought of getting back with her, I wish I never said all the things I did when communicating, but oh well what can I do about it.

 

I'm also worried about the possibility that at some point she will invite me up for dinner as friends or whatever. This is a complicated matter for me as I don't think it is a wise idea to have this type of contact with her yet as I feel I am vulnerable to sucker myself into a downward spiral of negative emotions. I can only see this as counter productive for me and my daughter in the long run if I get stuck in that self defeating kind of mind state.

 

Ive no problem being friendly in any form of communication from now on, but I don't think I could sit there and have dinner over a table, talk about general stuff, be all happy and pretend we have no very hurtful history together. I would prefer to keep all communication just about our daughter and we don't need to have dinner or see each other to do that. The way I see it is the sooner I get the last drops of negative feelings out of me regarding my ex the quicker my daughter may see us really having dinner together with no pretending, faking, being dragged back.

 

So how do I deal with the possibility that I could be invited round for dinner at some point? I really think this would set me back massively at this moment in time.

[FredJones80]

Feeling like an idiot tonight for entertaining the thought of getting back with her, I wish I never said all the things I did when communicating, but oh well what can I do about it.

 

I'm also worried about the possibility that at some point she will invite me up for dinner as friends or whatever. This is a complicated matter for me as I don't think it is a wise idea to have this type of contact with her yet as I feel I am vulnerable to sucker myself into a downward spiral of negative emotions. I can only see this as counter productive for me and my daughter in the long run if I get stuck in that self defeating kind of mind state.

 

Ive no problem being friendly in any form of communication from now on, but I don't think I could sit there and have dinner over a table, talk about general stuff, be all happy and pretend we have no very hurtful history together. I would prefer to keep all communication just about our daughter and we don't need to have dinner or see each other to do that. The way I see it is the sooner I get the last drops of negative feelings out of me regarding my ex the quicker my daughter may see us really having dinner together with no pretending, faking, being dragged back.

 

So how do I deal with the possibility that I could be invited round for dinner at some point? I really think this would set me back massively at this moment in time.

 

Bloody hell living, after such a positive post yesterday and I was made up for you, you come back with this.

 

I guess this is the rocky road of ups and downs of getting over it.

 

I wish I could PM you, I'd really like to phone you or something and explain my situation which as I've said before help you "forgive" her as far as you can. grrrr!

[livingnightmare]

Bloody hell living, after such a positive post yesterday and I was made up for you, you come back with this.

 

I guess this is the rocky road of ups and downs of getting over it.

 

I wish I could PM you, I'd really like to phone you or something and explain my situation which as I've said before help you "forgive" her as far as you can. grrrr!

 

I'm feeling more positive than ever now, really feel like I'm powering through this at the moment, I just want to make it as smooth as possible with no more setbacks. I don't want her back but I know I still have deep feelings of hurt and anger within me when I think deep and I need to get rid of this by not having much interaction with her.

 

I wrote a bit about todays ups n downs in my forgiveness thread in the coping section, but today for the first time I feel like I'm really in control.

 

I know, I keep hoping for that notification saying 1 new message lol Have you tried contacting the mods?

[FredJones80]

I know, I keep hoping for that notification saying 1 new message lol Have you tried contacting the mods?

 

I think I need to wait a certain amount of time or have a certain amount of posts, it isn't very clear.

[livingnightmare]

I think I need to wait a certain amount of time or have a certain amount of posts, it isn't very clear.

 

I just seen its 30 days and 100 posts.

[FredJones80]

I just seen its 30 days and 100 posts.

 

I think I have another 2 weeks or so to wait then