Why is "you meet them when you aren't looking" true for some people?

[PinkInTheLimo]

That's a really concise way of describing my life experience. Thanks!

 

I greatly value those brothers I lift a pint with and those sisters with whom I share the joys and commiserations of life. Did some of that this past week on the other side of this continent. Meeting a single woman did not ever enter my mind once, even though there must've been hundreds to thousands in attendance where we were. I must've talked to at least a few dozen here and there. Not one grabbed me and drug me off to her cave. Life is good

 

And, as mentioned by others upthread, none of this generally applies to women; only to men. We are the pursuers; the penetrators. If we don't act, save for the very few universally attractive amongst us, we end up as spectators. Permanently.

 

From my experience this also applies to women. I don't meet any available men. ANY. My life is work, evening course, household chores, watching some TV, studying, sleeping, eating, yoga.

 

The only way I can meet a man is via OLD or a matrimonial agency (haven't tried this last thing yet as I am afraid they will only try to talk me into getting together with an older guy). OLD is however exhausting because there as well it is very difficult to meet a guy who is available.

[preraph]

Because a lot of people who are looking reek of desperation and that isn't attractive. Neither is being "too available." But it's a myth that "it" will eventually happen at all, whether you're looking or not. It's just not in the cards for everyone.

[Disillusioned]

Because a lot of people who are looking reek of desperation and that isn't attractive. Neither is being "too available." But it's a myth that "it" will eventually happen at all, whether you're looking or not. It's just not in the cards for everyone.

 

Pretty much makes the case in favor of lovebots.

[somedude81]

I'd say "you meet them when you aren't looking" is only true for some women.

 

It's true for no men. And not true for all women.

 

Men who aren't looking for women, get nothing. While many women have men coming on to them regardless if those women are in a relationship or not.

[lookingforbalance]

Its thru actions and that "vibe", or sense of appeal that is given. I beleive that some folks are more in tune with that indicator. I personally have been single and definitely give off the single and not looking vibe. Most of my gentlemen friends often say....you are just too dern independent for a guy to show interest. On a few occassions when I have toned it down and such, it hasnt changed the flow or created an opportunity. Most of my friends who are female, seem to get approached more often and that is due in part that they approach and make it happen. The statement of it will happen when you least expect it has long past, so not sure if its applicable to some folks...there is ultimately some level of effort to gain a genuine interest of suitor or date material. Doubtful osmosis has anything to do with it.

 

Huh?!?!?!?!?

[KungFuJoe]

I totally believe in this concept.

 

Not that it will happen with everyone, but there's a lot of truth behind it.

 

Basically...people can smell desperation a mile away. If you're the kind of man/woman who DESPERATELY wants a gf/bf...trust me...everyone around you can tell. And the LAST thing a person wants...is a desperate partner.

 

So, right off the bat, not looking means you're not desperate...so that's already something you have going for you. Not looking also means you're open minded about possibilities. Remember...not looking does NOT mean you don't want a relationship. It just means you're impartial to it all.

 

Open mindedness is another universally desired trait, along with not being desperate. So there's two positives in your favor. So already, you've increased the odds of finding someone based on that alone. Does it guarantee success? Of course not. Lots of other factors...including luck, are involved. But, dating and relationships is ALL about increasing your odds. Success is never guaranteed.

 

For the record...*I* met my wife right after I had just broken up with a girl. However, my wife wasn't a rebound...at the time I started dating her, I was completely FINE with being alone...had told myself I was just going to be single, have fun, do my thing, not care. And then boom...next thing I know...I'm dating her...then 2 weeks later, we're official...2 months later, she moves in...and the rest is history.

[irc333]

I'm sure pretty much every single person has heard "you'll meet that special someone when you aren't looking!", and probably most of them have hated hearing it. But for some people, it really is true-- they always meet special someones when they aren't looking. It baffles me and I was wondering if anyone has any insight?

Thoughts?

 

Funny, we wouldn't even have a "Dating" message board if this were the case....Because the ONLY advice would be, "Just stop looking". and that's that.

 

A lot of the situations where they were NOT looking, is when they were already DATING someone!!

 

YEP!! It's not uncommon either.

[Phoe]

"you'll find them when you're not looking/least expecting" never held true for me.

 

I spent just about 6 years single, just kinda hoping that something would happen, it never did. Guys just never showed interest and I couldn't understand what was wrong.

 

 

So I finally did OLD and put myself out there on the internet pretty much with a big sign on me saying "I want to date and find someone!" - only then did things work for me.

[Do_The_Herp]

There are women who would die if they were alone who hop from guy to guy.. And I'm sure that there are guys like that too, even if they're more reserved about the fact that they NEED to be with someone..

 

Meanwhile, some of us don't attract anyone period. We didn't attract anyone when we stopped caring and (metaphorically speaking) got a beer belly, lost all of our hair, and stopped caring what anyone thought and started just acting like it didn't matter and just acted like ourselves un-apologetically. And, what a surprising coincidence, we didn't attract anyone when we cared, either.

[Do_The_Herp]

So I finally did OLD and put myself out there on the internet pretty much with a big sign on me saying "I want to date and find someone!" - only then did things work for me.

 

Unfortunately, when a guy who experiences the same offline results as you does this, it doesn't work as well. I guess if it sucks for them offline, their (love) life pretty much sucks no matter where they go, period.

[Disillusioned]

A guy could live alone and become a billionaire and women still won't notice him.

 

But it's also due to our social conditioning... we teach our girls that something bad or dangerous will happen if they pursue boys instead of letting the boys do the pursuing. Seriously, when you see a woman makes the first move, you think it's like the flower buzzing after the bee, right? It's because of our social brainwashing.

 

The bad news is that it doesn't make any difference. We don't live in the caveman days anymore, but a lot of us wish we did. R., the meetup organizer who I'm friendly with (he hosts singles events and is a dating coach) says so too---"dating became unnatural" during the Industrial Revolution. I agree with him.

 

But even knowing that, still won't change most people's behavior. Oh, sure, it might make one woman in a hundred decide to make the first move, and more power to her AFAIC... but most of us will try to keep the old fashioned ways going even though it's not practical for most of us because we're not living in the caveman days.

[preraph]

I'd say "you meet them when you aren't looking" is only true for some women.

 

It's true for no men. And not true for all women.

 

Men who aren't looking for women, get nothing. While many women have men coming on to them regardless if those women are in a relationship or not.

 

I don't think that's true. I think men who aren't constantly obsessing over trying to meet some woman, which becomes immediately creepy, and who are just out there having fun are who gets the most women.

[somedude81]

I don't think that's true. I think men who aren't constantly obsessing over trying to meet some woman, which becomes immediately creepy, and who are just out there having fun are who gets the most women.

So guys who are just out there having fun, have women approach them and slip their numbers into his pocket?

 

Also, "just having fun" doesn't work if your fun is hanging out with your buddies playing card games when there isn't a single girl in the group.

[kodakgirl]

So guys who are just out there having fun, have women approach them and slip their numbers into his pocket?

 

Honestly, for all the men I've met as an adult I really liked, yes, at least regarding me. I'm shy but if I feel a real spark I will go for it. Every single one of the men whose pocket I've metaphorically slipped my number into was just out there having fun and living his life. A couple weeere online, but very casual about it, in a "meh, I'll put it up and see what happens" way, meanwhile putting 99.5% of his energy into his life-- school/career, friends, hobbies. A couple others I met while they were working, and we chatted in a friendly hardly-anyone-even-visits-this-place-way, and I was the one who seized the chance. My ex well and truly wasn't looking at all, we met while we were both travelling solo, and I did ALL the pursuing. I'm sure these men didn't get heaps of girls doing the same, but they did get me, and the ones who were single were pretty darn happy about it (at least until other issues came up, something else entirely). I feel very attracted to guys who clearly have this whole interesting life they feel excited about-- it makes me want to be a part of it.

 

It seems to me the best thing to do is neither look really hard and put all your energy into that, nor don't look at ALL. Some people will find success with one or the other regardless, but both probably make it harder for most people.

[somedude81]

Honestly, for all the men I've met as an adult I really liked, yes, at least regarding me. I'm shy but if I feel a real spark I will go for it. Every single one of the men whose pocket I've metaphorically slipped my number into was just out there having fun and living his life. A couple weeere online, but very casual about it, in a "meh, I'll put it up and see what happens" way, meanwhile putting 99.5% of his energy into his life-- school/career, friends, hobbies. A couple others I met while they were working, and we chatted in a friendly hardly-anyone-even-visits-this-place-way, and I was the one who seized the chance. My ex well and truly wasn't looking at all, we met while we were both travelling solo, and I did ALL the pursuing. I'm sure these men didn't get heaps of girls doing the same, but they did get me, and the ones who were single were pretty darn happy about it (at least until other issues came up, something else entirely). I feel very attracted to guys who clearly have this whole interesting life they feel excited about-- it makes me want to be a part of it.

 

It seems to me the best thing to do is neither look really hard and put all your energy into that, nor don't look at ALL. Some people will find success with one or the other regardless, but both probably make it harder for most people.

I wonder how many of those guys got any other woman that way. They essentially won the lottery without even having to buy a ticket.

 

While it can happen, the odds of it happening are so rare, it's foolish to count on it.

 

Just curious, have you ever dated a man that pursued you, or did you only go out with men after you "slipped them your number?"

 

Truth be told, while I was heavily pursuing women when I met my ex, I wasn't pursuing her because she had a boyfriend at the time. After the class ended, she made contact with me and kept in contact. She dropped major hints that she liked me. After that I didn't have any difficulty at all in getting dates with her.

 

Essentially I wasn't looking for her, but got her anyways.

 

Of course, I'm 32 years old, and she's the only woman that I've didn't really pursue and ended up dating. It's only happened one time in my entire life, and there have been countless number of girls that I've been in the same situation with (friends and me not chasing), and we never dated.

Edited April 23, 2014 by somedude81

[kodakgirl]

I wonder how many of those guys got any other woman that way. They essentially won the lottery without even having to buy a ticket.

 

While it can happen, the odds of it happening are so rare, it's foolish to count on it.

 

Just curious, have you ever dated a man that pursued you, or did you only go out with men after you "slipped them your number?"

 

Truth be told, while I was heavily pursuing women when I met my ex, I wasn't pursuing her because she had a boyfriend at the time. After the class ended, she made contact with me and kept in contact. She dropped major hints that she liked me. After that I didn't have any difficulty at all in getting dates with her.

 

Essentially I wasn't looking for her, but got her anyways.

 

Of course, I'm 32 years old, and she's the only woman that I've didn't really pursue and ended up dating. It's only happened one time in my entire life, and there have been countless number of girls that I've been in the same situation with (friends and me not chasing), and we never dated.

 

Oh I'm sure it is pretty rare, and I wouldn't count on it either. Just it can happen and I feel that having a life you love increases the odds it will, because that draws people (even non-romantically).

 

I have gone on dates with men who started it, although I seem to be better at determining compatibility in my picks than they are-- I've only really liked one of the guys who initiated with me (online, though I've had a couple offline as well when I was younger), and then he was the one who lost interest after what I thought was a great first date. Whereas every guy I've really liked and initiated with has either really liked me back or turned out to be unavailable (in a relationship and/or gay). However, except for my ex (which was my first romantic experience ever, so I was very naive) I haven't continued to be the pursuer, I make sure there is back-and-forth happening. I initiated with the last fellow I dated but after that no one ever worked harder at pursuing me, he always asked for the next date and paid no matter my objections, etc.

 

I certainly don't mind initiating contact and/or a first date-- someone's got to do it! And considering that I usually get a positive response, I feel I might be subconsciously putting off the guys who would have considered approaching me, so I have to make a bigger step to show I'd be interested. If I didn't do it I'd have even less success dating the guys I want! But honestly I would really, really love for some fellow who was what I wanted to approach/initiate with ME. But considering not many fellows do anyway, the odds of it happening are even smaller. Sometimes I feel like I'm closer to the man's experience of dating than the woman's, hahaha.

[carhill]

Somedude81, reading your posting, a thought occurred, and that is that every woman I ever asked out on a date, meaning I clearly faced her, spoke her name and suggested that we share social time together regarding anything other than purely business or platonic purposes, could never say that a man has never asked her out on a date, whether it was while she was looking or while not looking; in my anecdotes, I have no way of knowing what her situation was, only what mine was, that I was standing in front of her asking her on a date.

 

The only time dates, or the prospect of dates, ever happened was as a result of efforts like that and I learned that they had to be fast, as your experience indicated. Had you dawdled when the young lady was done with her BF, you wouldn't have had the experience you did. You had to be ready and on top of your game. If you 'hadn't been looking' and took a more circumspect and deliberate approach, dollars to donuts the experience would have never happened. I've seen this dozens of times in my own life. You snooze (not looking actively), you lose!

 

Does this apply to everyone? No! Why? Because some people are more universally attractive than others and some people are more socially popular than others. That's life! Additionally, regardless of those factors, if supply of their gender is sparse and demand great, then they will necessarily experience the results (more interest and less need to be proactive) of those dynamics; same with the reverse, if they are in abundant supply and demand is low, necessitating a more active approach to get noticed.

 

I've personally taken two substantial periods of time, one when I was your age, generally from my mid-20's to early 30's and, again since getting divorced and in my 50's, to be 'aren't looking' and compared the results; they are exactly the same, except as a young man I lived completely alone and had a satisfying social life. Now I have the same and have a old male cat as a companion. Nothing else has changed. What's the same in both cases? Demographic and general social circle, as I tend to keep friends and maintain friendships over decades. Perhaps tomorrow will bring the exception to that experience. Perhaps it will happen today when calling on customers and shopping and going to the bank and during all the routine humdrum of daily life. Perhaps tomorrow at the coast cruising around in one of the old cars. Anything is possible!

[somedude81]

Somedude81, reading your posting, a thought occurred, and that is that every woman I ever asked out on a date, meaning I clearly faced her, spoke her name and suggested that we share social time together regarding anything other than purely business or platonic purposes, could never say that a man has never asked her out on a date, whether it was while she was looking or while not looking; in my anecdotes, I have no way of knowing what her situation was, only what mine was, that I was standing in front of her asking her on a date.

 

The only time dates, or the prospect of dates, ever happened was as a result of efforts like that and I learned that they had to be fast, as your experience indicated. Had you dawdled when the young lady was done with her BF, you wouldn't have had the experience you did. You had to be ready and on top of your game. If you 'hadn't been looking' and took a more circumspect and deliberate approach, dollars to donuts the experience would have never happened. I've seen this dozens of times in my own life. You snooze (not looking actively), you lose!

Yes, you make a very good point that nobody else has made.

 

If I did not make my move on her when I did, somebody else would have. Then I wouldn't have gotten the experience of dating her and knowing what it was like to have a girlfriend.

 

I realize that my relationship was doomed from the start. The reason that she dumped me was because she wasn't emotionally ready to be in a LTR so soon after breaking up with her BF. But that was my one and only chance.

Does this apply to everyone? No! Why? Because some people are more universally attractive than others and some people are more socially popular than others. That's life! Additionally, regardless of those factors, if supply of their gender is sparse and demand great, then they will necessarily experience the results (more interest and less need to be proactive) of those dynamics; same with the reverse, if they are in abundant supply and demand is low, necessitating a more active approach to get noticed.

I agree with you, and for some reason, supply of young women is sparse and the demand is very great. The opposite is true of young men.

 

I've personally taken two substantial periods of time, one when I was your age, generally from my mid-20's to early 30's and, again since getting divorced and in my 50's, to be 'aren't looking' and compared the results; they are exactly the same, except as a young man I lived completely alone and had a satisfying social life. Now I have the same and have a old male cat as a companion. Nothing else has changed. What's the same in both cases? Demographic and general social circle, as I tend to keep friends and maintain friendships over decades. Perhaps tomorrow will bring the exception to that experience. Perhaps it will happen today when calling on customers and shopping and going to the bank and during all the routine humdrum of daily life. Perhaps tomorrow at the coast cruising around in one of the old cars. Anything is possible!

Odd, I expected your dating life to be different as a mature man, since there are more single women 40+. Have you decided to step outside of the game?

[iris219]

After the class ended, she made contact with me and kept in contact. She dropped major hints that she liked me. After that I didn't have any difficulty at all in getting dates with her

 

This is very common. This is pretty much how many women get dates.

[todreaminblue]

I think when you aren't looking for a relationship you are happy with life and it shows, you have a bounce in your step and a smile on your face and an open demeanour, this rings true too for exes who gravitate back you way when you are happy and moving on...they go hey ...thats the girl i remember...they like the sunshine but not the rain.

 

 

 

if you can find a guy who loves sunshine and understands the rain and grey skies because it is a way to appreciate sunshine and blue skies and doesnt leave you bedraggled and wet when its in the grey ...smilin...thats a real catch..i dont think women should chase guys in any way but thats my opinion......deb

[somedude81]

This is very common. This is pretty much how many women get dates.

And it's very effective.

 

I can't imagine any guy not fallowing through with her.

 

I was just lucky that she chose me.

 

That is why I continue to say that dating is easier for a woman. Essentially a woman has all the power. All a guy can do is hope that somebody likes him, and makes it known to him.

 

Putting more thought into it, I think that women are the true initiators.

[KungFuJoe]

And it's very effective.

 

I can't imagine any guy not fallowing through with her.

 

I was just lucky that she chose me.

 

That is why I continue to say that dating is easier for a woman. Essentially a woman has all the power. All a guy can do is hope that somebody likes him, and makes it known to him.

 

Putting more thought into it, I think that women are the true initiators.

 

There's no power. You keep making this into a man vs woman thing. You gotta lose that mindset.

 

This is people meeting people. That's it. Nothing more.

 

I mean, can't you even look around you on this very site and see the large number of women who are also struggling? I don't get it. It's not like you have women that are shouting, "OMG I have so many perfect guys that would be perfect for me...but I don't know who to choose! Help!"

[somedude81]

There's no power. You keep making this into a man vs woman thing. You gotta lose that mindset.

 

This is people meeting people. That's it. Nothing more.

 

I mean, can't you even look around you on this very site and see the large number of women who are also struggling? I don't get it. It's not like you have women that are shouting, "OMG I have so many perfect guys that would be perfect for me...but I don't know who to choose! Help!"

I'm not saying that it's men vs. women. Just that women have it much easier.

 

Women can pretty much get a date with whomever they want. Do you disagree?

 

Frankly the most common problem I see women "struggle" with, is that they are with a guy who is treating them poorly, and they won't leave the guy. Either he is a boyfriend who isn't respecting her, or he's a FWB who just wants sex.

 

The answer to all of their problems is simple.

 

Leave the guy and find somebody else.

[KungFuJoe]

I'm not saying that it's men vs. women. Just that women have it much easier.

 

Women can pretty much get a date with whomever they want. Do you disagree?

 

Strongly disagree and I'm living proof of that.

 

Frankly the most common problem I see women "struggle" with, is that they are with a guy who is treating them poorly, and they won't leave the guy. Either he is a boyfriend who isn't respecting her, or he's a FWB who just wants sex.

 

There are plenty of threads here of men who are with women who treat them badly. Or they want more and the women just want sex.

 

The answer to all of their problems is simple.

 

Leave the guy and find somebody else.

 

SD, you think it's so easy for them to fix their problems...and we think it's SO easy for YOU to fix your problems.

 

It's not so easy, is it?

[Keenly]

Some dude. In reference to your " women can get a date whenever they want " I have one word for you.

 

Phoe.

 

 

/ debate