Why is "you meet them when you aren't looking" true for some people?

[somedude81]

Strongly disagree and I'm living proof of that.

So lots of women have tried to date you and you've turned them down?

 

 

There are plenty of threads here of men who are with women who treat them badly. Or they want more and the women just want sex.

It's much more understandable for a man to be with a woman who treats him badly, than for a woman to be with a man who treats her badly.

 

If a man has no options, he's not going to ditch the girl and end up alone.

 

Though most women have plenty of options, and they can instantly find a new guy if they desired.

 

 

SD, you think it's so easy for them to fix their problems...and we think it's SO easy for YOU to fix your problems.

 

It's not so easy, is it?

ROFL! Do you really think it's that simple to fix my issues?

 

If you're going to say something like, you need to have a group of friends; would that really lead me to getting a GF?

[somedude81]

Some dude. In reference to your " women can get a date whenever they want " I have one word for you.

 

Phoe.

 

 

/ debate

Phoe had trouble dating because she lives in a very small town with a small number of available men.

 

Literally the day she tried online dating she got swarmed with men who were interested in her.

 

If Phoe had lived in a bigger city, she would have never been single for so long. Men would constantly be hitting on her.

 

Frankly, I believe that from now on Phoe will never again be single for a significant amount of time unless she chooses to be.

Edited April 23, 2014 by somedude81

[KungFuJoe]

So lots of women have tried to date you and you've turned them down?

 

I don't know what is considered "lots", but there's been girls who either asked me out (and I said, "Sure...we can hang out sometime" trying to make it obvious I just saw her as a friend) or tried to "trick" me into a date (one girl wanted to bet me on a Laker game and the bet was loser takes winner out on a dinner date). Another girl was very obvious in that she had a crush on me and the sexual innuendo from her was off the charts. Pretty much told me to my face that I could do whatever I wanted to her. There was another girl who wanted me to be with her, but she was a virgin and I wasn't about to be her first, so I ended up slowly fading away (I think I told this story a few times before).

 

If I'm not into the girl...I won't go out with her in a romantic sense. Sure, I'll hang out with them as friends...but if it gets awkward, I end up doing the slow fade.

 

It's much more understandable for a man to be with a woman who treats him badly, than for a woman to be with a man who treats her badly.

 

If a man has no options, he's not going to ditch the girl and end up alone.

 

Though most women have plenty of options, and they can instantly find a new guy if they desired.

 

I don't even know how to reply to this other than, imo, you are very very wrong with this thought process.

 

ROFL! Do you really think it's that simple to fix my issues?

 

If you're going to say something like, you need to have a group of friends; would that really lead me to getting a GF?

 

I'm just saying...when you're on the outside, looking in, and not emotionally involved, the solution often seems very simple.

[somedude81]

Oh I'm sure it is pretty rare, and I wouldn't count on it either. Just it can happen and I feel that having a life you love increases the odds it will, because that draws people (even non-romantically).

 

I have gone on dates with men who started it, although I seem to be better at determining compatibility in my picks than they are-- I've only really liked one of the guys who initiated with me (online, though I've had a couple offline as well when I was younger), and then he was the one who lost interest after what I thought was a great first date. Whereas every guy I've really liked and initiated with has either really liked me back or turned out to be unavailable (in a relationship and/or gay). However, except for my ex (which was my first romantic experience ever, so I was very naive) I haven't continued to be the pursuer, I make sure there is back-and-forth happening. I initiated with the last fellow I dated but after that no one ever worked harder at pursuing me, he always asked for the next date and paid no matter my objections, etc.

 

I certainly don't mind initiating contact and/or a first date-- someone's got to do it! And considering that I usually get a positive response, I feel I might be subconsciously putting off the guys who would have considered approaching me, so I have to make a bigger step to show I'd be interested. If I didn't do it I'd have even less success dating the guys I want! But honestly I would really, really love for some fellow who was what I wanted to approach/initiate with ME. But considering not many fellows do anyway, the odds of it happening are even smaller. Sometimes I feel like I'm closer to the man's experience of dating than the woman's, hahaha.

Have you ever had a non-gay or non-unavailable man turn you down?

 

BTW, I think that it's great that you do the initiating. I wish more women would do it. It's so much easier on the guy to know that a girl likes him before he takes a shot in the dark.

 

@KungFuJoe, I'm going to reply to you in the thread I made in the general section. I don't want to threadjack here.

Edited April 23, 2014 by somedude81

[KungFuJoe]

And this actually reminded me.

 

Regarding the friend of mine that was a virgin.

 

She was Mexican. 24 years old. Smoking hot...ridiculous body and a very exotic looking face (think Sofia Vergara).

 

She didn't drink, was a great cook and was just a very "good" girl. But the girl loved to dance...would wear me out every single time. She definitely wasn't one of those boring, never goes out, dresses conservatively kinda girls. She wore stuff that wasn't slutty, but definitely showed off her curves.

 

She never had a bf...or at least none that I knew of. She confessed this to me one night...said she wanted her first to be the right one for her.

 

I mean you would think this girl would have SO many offers, that she could just stand there and pick and choose the cream of the crop and then ride off into the sunset to live happily ever after. I honestly don't know what happened to her...I hope she ended up happy. She seemed kinda "sad" at the time I knew her. Happy, but sad...if that makes sense. Her best friend was the most bitter girl I've ever met in real life. Just a man hater in every sense of the word. I'm sure she was a bad influence on her.

 

Anyways...I just can't buy into your idea that women have it so easy.

 

I honestly think it's either equally as hard/easy or, if anything, men have it easier.

[Targetlock]

If the dating world was simpler and easier there would be a lot less people on this forum in my opinion. what works for one person doesn't work for another in my opinion.

[carhill]

 

Odd, I expected your dating life to be different as a mature man, since there are more single women 40+. Have you decided to step outside of the game?

 

In a different demographic, perhaps. In the one I'm currently in, controlling for no more than 15 years younger and single, I've encountered three demonstrably single women, one the sister of a female friend (I've encountered fish on a stringer more enthused about anything), one about 8 years older who has been divorced about 17 years and has no interest in men (she's a friend of my best friend's wife) and a 72 y/o widow who's a friend of my best friend's sister and lives about two hours away. That's five years worth. The women who have 'flirted' with me? All married!

 

Ran into about a half dozen women personally today when in town for supplies, since I like talking with people; all were married (wedding rings or I knew them); gave one some advice for her son who's a young car nut. Most I ran into at the store (shopping for my trip tomorrow) were with their husbands or wearing wedding rings where I looked. Etc, etc. I don't actively think about such things but remind myself to check since I've been accounting here.

 

I'll be over in the Santa Cruz/Big Sur area tomorrow for a few days so should have some more anecdotes to add. If I shared all of them from our restaurant, bar and show experiences at Charlotte last weekend, I could fill a journal. I met literally dozens of women I never knew before. Most were with their husbands or boyfriends, or talked about them in some form or another. That was on the other side of the country from where I live.

 

To demonstrate the other extreme in our demographic, my exW met and was living with her current BF before we were even divorced and her experience in my social circle is not uncommon. Once a woman is 'on the market', divorced/broken up or not, looking or not, poof, gone. That's how it goes, save for those who have a giant 'stay away!' sign posted!

 

If it was different, I'd be happy to post that up! The best men with women win! Those who are not, lose!

[HappyLove]

Seriously, how many post does there have to be on this site from women who have a very hard time meeting anyone, before some men stop swearing up and down that all a woman has to do is sit there and men just fall at her feet!?

 

Really?! Just look around! Look at this very post!

 

Anyway, the constant I've seen in men who can't get a girl is he's so afraid of his own shadow he would never approach a woman IRL.

 

The constant I've seen with women, including myself, if you don't put yourself out there and learn how to flirt and give very obvious signs to a man that you are interested, you will be alone. Nearly impossible to do if you are shy. So you keep hoping a half decent man will approach you.

 

Also, women who approach a man is considered less desirable and looked down upon no matter how many men claim how much they would love it.

 

I've also wondered about women who always have a man no matter how ridiculous their life is meanwhile the hardworking stable girl STAYS single. There are two answers to this.

 

1) Men love crazy.

 

2) The men these women date you would never look at twice because of various reasons like drug addiction, no job, lives with mommy at 40 years old. The list goes on but for some women they would put up with it whereas you'd rather stay single.

[kodakgirl]

Seriously, how many post does there have to be on this site from women who have a very hard time meeting anyone, before some men stop swearing up and down that all a woman has to do is sit there and men just fall at her feet!?

 

Really?! Just look around! Look at this very post!

 

Thank you!! I (the OP) was going down the posts thinking... um... hello...? I'm not just a woman, I'm an attractive and super nice one! I live in a big city and use OLD (including lots of messaging guys). Yes, it's different for women--I'm sure if I just wanted A date, no standards at all, I could probably go online and get one by the end of this evening. But that is really no help at all in finding someone I really click with, where there's mutual interest and mutual attraction and a mutual desire for a relationship. Finding that is just as hard for a woman as a man. I feel a lot of compassion for the men who struggle-- I think it's important to feel we're in it together, and I feel that will only help interaction between single men and women.

 

Anyway, the constant I've seen in men who can't get a girl is he's so afraid of his own shadow he would never approach a woman IRL.

 

The constant I've seen with women, including myself, if you don't put yourself out there and learn how to flirt and give very obvious signs to a man that you are interested, you will be alone. Nearly impossible to do if you are shy. So you keep hoping a half decent man will approach you.

 

Also, women who approach a man is considered less desirable and looked down upon no matter how many men claim how much they would love it.

 

I've also wondered about women who always have a man no matter how ridiculous their life is meanwhile the hardworking stable girl STAYS single. There are two answers to this.

 

1) Men love crazy.

 

2) The men these women date you would never look at twice because of various reasons like drug addiction, no job, lives with mommy at 40 years old. The list goes on but for some women they would put up with it whereas you'd rather stay single.

 

I am exactly the kind of woman you refer to. I'm nice and attractive and easily liked and all that, but I get really shy about interacting romantically, so I default to friendly. Then men (understandably) don't see me as available and/or interested, and the ones I like are the kind who aren't going to push it with a girl. So either I make a move or no one does.

 

I think you are also right to point out that the women who always seem to "find" men are almost certainly overlooking things about those men other women wouldn't. It's easy to forget that when you're feeling left out. And honestly, going back to the OP-- I left out that when my friend met this guy she's now dating, he was in a relationship. It "wasn't going well" and though she didn't cheat with him, honestly it seems in every way to me an emotional affair, and I let her know that. I think he broke up with that girl a couple months ago but still... I guess maybe that's one of the places we are pretty different. So she met someone when she wasn't looking... if I'd been in the same situation, I might have met the same guy but would never consider him a "someone." I left that out of the OP because I was more interested in general thoughts, but I'm thinking maybe it's more relevant than I thought. Maybe sometimes the people who meet love interests most easily are simply more willing to overlook red flags, or at least more open. Not always I'm sure, but it seems likely to be a factor.

[somedude81]

Seriously, how many post does there have to be on this site from women who have a very hard time meeting anyone, before some men stop swearing up and down that all a woman has to do is sit there and men just fall at her feet!?

 

Really?! Just look around! Look at this very post!

Do you really have trouble meeting men? How long has it been since you last had a boyfriend? Last had a date? Are you trying at all to find men?

 

Anyway, the constant I've seen in men who can't get a girl is he's so afraid of his own shadow he would never approach a woman IRL.

What do you mean approach?

 

In the past two months I've asked out three women. I've gotten close to about 8 different women, and the vast majority of them have boyfriends. A few women were too cold for me to bother really getting to know them.

The constant I've seen with women, including myself, if you don't put yourself out there and learn how to flirt and give very obvious signs to a man that you are interested, you will be alone. Nearly impossible to do if you are shy. So you keep hoping a half decent man will approach you.

Yes, if you don't show men that you are interested, they aren't going to ask you out. Being shy looks exactly the same as not interested, so you aren't going to get asked out.

 

No it's not impossible at all to show men that you are interested. Hell, all you have to do is sit down next to a guy and glance at him every now and then. Surely you can do that?

Also, women who approach a man is considered less desirable and looked down upon no matter how many men claim how much they would love it.

False. Though it can be considered less desirable if a woman is very forward in her approach.

 

A really simple approach that guys would love, is to walk over to a guy and say, "I like your shoes. It shows that you have style" then just stand there and smile. If the guy isn't an idiot, he should realize that you are hitting on him.

 

I've also wondered about women who always have a man no matter how ridiculous their life is meanwhile the hardworking stable girl STAYS single. There are two answers to this.

 

1) Men love crazy.

 

2) The men these women date you would never look at twice because of various reasons like drug addiction, no job, lives with mommy at 40 years old. The list goes on but for some women they would put up with it whereas you'd rather stay single.

Men don't love crazy. Men put up with crazy because they have no other options.

 

What do you mean by hardworking? Men really don't care if you have a great job that makes a lot of money. Hardworking often means too busy.

[Phoe]

If Phoe had lived in a bigger city, she would have never been single for so long. Men would constantly be hitting on her.

 

I lived in Santa Barbara for 5 years and was single that ENTIRE time.

 

 

The only times I ever had any success was while in this small town. A limited amount of success, but still, it's something.

 

 

Living in Santa Barbara for college was, quite frankly, pretty unpleasant. Men mostly ignored me, but when there was attention, it was very negative. Complete strangers shouting out of car windows at me, trying to get me INTO cars, some men would shout insults from balconies, call me fat or ugly (what??). I had beer poured on my head out of nowhere by a dude simply because I was wearing a t-shirt of a sports team he didn't like. Out of nowhere, didn't even speak to him or see him, suddenly beer is in my hair and he's shouting at me that I'm a stupid b*tch, f*ck So Cal. Or I could just be walking down the street minding my own business and a guy drunkenly walks up from behind, grabs my ass and says "I'd f*ck that" - So I punched him in the face.

 

 

After so many experiences being treated badly for NO reason, I came to enjoy being ignored. People not paying any attention to me was a relief.

 

 

So, while living in a small town resulted in limited dating experiences and limited amounts of single men who could be interested, at least I wasn't being treated like absolute garbage.

[Phoe]

False. Though it can be considered less desirable if a woman is very forward in her approach.

 

A really simple approach that guys would love, is to walk over to a guy and say, "I like your shoes. It shows that you have style" then just stand there and smile. If the guy isn't an idiot, he should realize that you are hitting on him.

 

Some men just don't want to be approached. All my own attempts at approaches have gone up in flames, lol. Sometimes it's just not meant to be done.

 

 

My boyfriend has turned down approaches from women. He just wasn't interested.

 

 

There's definitely not a golden rule that all men will be receptive to being hit on.

[somedude81]

I lived in Santa Barbara for 5 years and was single that ENTIRE time.

 

 

The only times I ever had any success was while in this small town. A limited amount of success, but still, it's something.

 

 

Living in Santa Barbara for college was, quite frankly, pretty unpleasant. Men mostly ignored me, but when there was attention, it was very negative. Complete strangers shouting out of car windows at me, trying to get me INTO cars, some men would shout insults from balconies, call me fat or ugly (what??). I had beer poured on my head out of nowhere by a dude simply because I was wearing a t-shirt of a sports team he didn't like. Out of nowhere, didn't even speak to him or see him, suddenly beer is in my hair and he's shouting at me that I'm a stupid b*tch, f*ck So Cal. Or I could just be walking down the street minding my own business and a guy drunkenly walks up from behind, grabs my ass and says "I'd f*ck that" - So I punched him in the face.

 

 

After so many experiences being treated badly for NO reason, I came to enjoy being ignored. People not paying any attention to me was a relief.

 

 

So, while living in a small town resulted in limited dating experiences and limited amounts of single men who could be interested, at least I wasn't being treated like absolute garbage.

My God woman, do you live in bizarro world? Do you have a swastika tattoo on your forehead that doesn't show up in pictures?

 

It sounds like you've been treated poorly by men your whole entire life

 

Nice job punching the dude in the face.

 

I wish I could meet you in person and see if there is something off putting about you. Maybe the way you carry yourself, or how you talk, or maybe a demonic aura, (who knows) that can explain why guys have been so mean.

 

Of course if we did meet, you'd probably fall in love and we can't have that now can we?

Edited April 24, 2014 by somedude81

[Phoe]

I wish I could meet you in person and see if there is something off putting about you. Maybe the way you carry yourself, or how you talk, or maybe a demonic aura, (who knows) that can explain why guys have been so mean.

 

LOL demonic aura...

 

 

The thing about the instances I mentioned though, is that they came completely out of nowhere. I never said a word to the person, never looked at them, was just minding my own business doing whatever I was doing.

 

 

I'm sure I can be off-putting to some, for whatever reason. I know I sometimes come across as a "know-it-all" when having conversations about stuff I'm really into, so I do try to be aware to tone that down.

 

 

My best friend had an even worse time in Santa Barbara than I did. Many nights she'd be bawling her eyes out over mean things that men said or did to her. She eventually transfered out to a small private college.

 

 

I think there's just something about Santa Barbara where people being Vain and Cruel is seen as funny, or cool. Like it's almost encouraged...

 

 

The dude I punched though, I felt bad... he fell to the floor and looked at me stunned, said "are you retarded or something?" - I turned around and ran. Ran til I was home. Probably looked absolutely mental...

 

 

During my senior year I was so tired of everything, I tried hard to be a wallflower. I didn't want to socialize anymore. I didn't want to date. I just wanted to be done with college. I stopped walking and biking to school and started driving. I moved to the small town a few miles over (Goleta). I wore hats and hoodies, I sat in the back of class. I became an absolute hermit. My friends were very confused and concerned...

 

 

Now back in my hometown I feel safe.

[Phoe]

It sounds like you've been treated poorly by men your whole entire life

 

More often than not, yes. In some cases, I surely am to blame for allowing it to happen.

 

 

Now see when I have someone who treats me like gold, why I am fighting tooth and nail to work past the differences.

[somedude81]

LOL demonic aura...

 

 

The thing about the instances I mentioned though, is that they came completely out of nowhere. I never said a word to the person, never looked at them, was just minding my own business doing whatever I was doing.

 

 

I'm sure I can be off-putting to some, for whatever reason. I know I sometimes come across as a "know-it-all" when having conversations about stuff I'm really into, so I do try to be aware to tone that down.

 

 

My best friend had an even worse time in Santa Barbara than I did. Many nights she'd be bawling her eyes out over mean things that men said or did to her. She eventually transfered out to a small private college.

 

 

I think there's just something about Santa Barbara where people being Vain and Cruel is seen as funny, or cool. Like it's almost encouraged...

 

 

The dude I punched though, I felt bad... he fell to the floor and looked at me stunned, said "are you retarded or something?" - I turned around and ran. Ran til I was home. Probably looked absolutely mental...

 

 

During my senior year I was so tired of everything, I tried hard to be a wallflower. I didn't want to socialize anymore. I didn't want to date. I just wanted to be done with college. I stopped walking and biking to school and started driving. I moved to the small town a few miles over (Goleta). I wore hats and hoodies, I sat in the back of class. I became an absolute hermit. My friends were very confused and concerned...

 

 

Now back in my hometown I feel safe.

Yup, demonic aura. If they didn't even talk to you, that's what it has to be.

 

Sucks that your friend had a hard time too. Maybe something is wrong with the city. I've never been to SB so I wouldn't know.

 

I'm sure your negative experiences had a profound impact on your sense of self. Some times life can be cruel.

More often than not, yes. In some cases, I surely am to blame for allowing it to happen.

I don't really know what to say to that.

 

You could be right, but you also have a tendency to self-blame when you're innocent.

 

I think you're just feeling guilty for actually being a litch

 

Now see when I have someone who treats me like gold, why I am fighting tooth and nail to work past the differences.

Ah, but I'd treat you like gold-pressed latinum.

 

(If you know what I'm talking about you earn major nerd credit )

 

Of course, keep fighting for what you believe in.

[kodakgirl]

Gold stars for all these people.

 

Thank you-- there are a lot of people here who are genuinely trying to understand... trying to understand our own reasons for not being successful, and trying to understand the struggles of others, and understand how they might relate. It gets really frustrating when people seem not to see this or to not care. Thank you for seeing it and caring, and to all those other folks out there who keep trying.

 

Phoe-- oh my goodness, I am so sorry to hear about all that crap in Santa Barbara!!!! That makes me sick!! My sister lives in Southern California, I hope she's never had any of that, no one ever should EVER. Gosh. I'd actively cultivate a "demonic aura" if I was in that situation!!

 

Somedude-- I'm too lazy to go and quote formally, so I'll do it the old-fashioned way: "No it's not impossible at all to show men that you are interested. Hell, all you have to do is sit down next to a guy and glance at him every now and then. Surely you can do that?"

 

I agree, it seems soooooooo easy. But all of us have our issues that make things that seem so easy to other people feel not at all easy to us. I have quite a lot of social anxiety, and though I've worked incredibly hard and have come a long way, romantic interaction sends my anxiety through the roof. It happens fairly often that the cute fellow on the subway I'm looking at is looking at me too. If I caught his eye and smiled, that's probably all I'd have to do. I cannot do it. I want to. I know it's the thing to do. But my anxiety is just like, NO. I am working on attacking those feelings with all I have, but gosh it's difficult to change ingrained thought patterns. My goal for this year is to just smile back ONCE. I know it's a problem for me but the fact it looks like an easy problem to fix doesn't mean it is. Your big obstacle may be getting women interested and mine may be reciprocating interest, but that doesn't mean we don't both have big obstacles! I don't think dating is inherently hard, it's internal issues that make it hard. Recognizing that almost everyone has these internal issues helps everyone.

 

 

Anyway.... I'm feeling sort of humoured that a thread I started about a particular topic in the field of dating difficulties has become one of the ones that turn into a general thread about dating difficulties-- does this mean I'm now officially part of the Loveshack club????

Edited April 24, 2014 by kodakgirl
wouldn't you like to know? (okay, spelling.)

[ASG]

Do you really have trouble meeting men? How long has it been since you last had a boyfriend? Last had a date? Are you trying at all to find men?

 

 

 

I can't believe you even have to ask these kinds of things!!!! I mean... don't you read the damn forum???

 

I'm going to reply to your questions, just as an example:

I don't have trouble "meeting" men... I meet men all the time. Mostly unavailable men seem to flock to me, for some reason. Obviously, I don't want to date them!

 

Last bf was 3 years ago. Last date was over a week ago, with a FWB that could have become something more if circumstances were different.

 

Now, I'm not ACTIVELY looking. I'm quite happy with myself and being single. But I do want to meet that special someone!

I've tried OLD for a couple of weeks and found it lacking... I got tons of msgs a day... but mostly they were uninteresting "hi"'s or something like that.

 

I did msg several guys on OLD. Dont think I heard back once... Or maybe I did and then it fizzled really quick...

 

You need to put it through your thick skull that, just because we have a vagina, men aren't throwing themselves at us, at least not in a serious relationship way! Also, even if some are, they might not be the one we want! I've turned down plenty of guys who were madly in love with me... Because I just wasn't in love with them!!

[somedude81]

Somedude-- I'm too lazy to go and quote formally, so I'll do it the old-fashioned way: "No it's not impossible at all to show men that you are interested. Hell, all you have to do is sit down next to a guy and glance at him every now and then. Surely you can do that?"

 

I agree, it seems soooooooo easy. But all of us have our issues that make things that seem so easy to other people feel not at all easy to us. I have quite a lot of social anxiety, and though I've worked incredibly hard and have come a long way, romantic interaction sends my anxiety through the roof. It happens fairly often that the cute fellow on the subway I'm looking at is looking at me too. If I caught his eye and smiled, that's probably all I'd have to do. I cannot do it. I want to. I know it's the thing to do. But my anxiety is just like, NO. I am working on attacking those feelings with all I have, but gosh it's difficult to change ingrained thought patterns. My goal for this year is to just smile back ONCE. I know it's a problem for me but the fact it looks like an easy problem to fix doesn't mean it is. Your big obstacle may be getting women interested and mine may be reciprocating interest, but that doesn't mean we don't both have big obstacles! I don't think dating is inherently hard, it's internal issues that make it hard. Recognizing that almost everyone has these internal issues helps everyone.

I will admit that having social anxiety to the level that you do is a legitimate reason. Though you've still had more relationship experience that I've had.

 

I'm assuming that most women don't have severe social anxiety and are able to smile back at guys.

 

Now imagine being a guy with social anxiety. That's how 40 year old virgins exist. If you were a man with the same issues, you would probably spend your entire life alone. That doesn't happen to women.

 

BTW, I used to have pretty bad social anxiety, I was terrified of girls up until 23 or so. I've worked extremely hard in trying to get over my issues, and it finally paid of when I was 31. Unfortunately that was very short lived so I have push myself way out of my comfort zone again.

Anyway.... I'm feeling sort of humoured that a thread I started about a particular topic in the field of dating difficulties has become one of the ones that turn into a general thread about dating difficulties-- does this mean I'm now officially part of the Loveshack club????

Yes, welcome. Your badge and gift basket shall be delivered to residence within the week.

[somedude81]

I can't believe you even have to ask these kinds of things!!!! I mean... don't you read the damn forum???

 

I'm going to reply to your questions, just as an example:

I don't have trouble "meeting" men... I meet men all the time. Mostly unavailable men seem to flock to me, for some reason. Obviously, I don't want to date them!

 

Last bf was 3 years ago. Last date was over a week ago, with a FWB that could have become something more if circumstances were different.

 

Now, I'm not ACTIVELY looking. I'm quite happy with myself and being single. But I do want to meet that special someone!

I've tried OLD for a couple of weeks and found it lacking... I got tons of msgs a day... but mostly they were uninteresting "hi"'s or something like that.

 

I did msg several guys on OLD. Dont think I heard back once... Or maybe I did and then it fizzled really quick...

 

You need to put it through your thick skull that, just because we have a vagina, men aren't throwing themselves at us, at least not in a serious relationship way! Also, even if some are, they might not be the one we want! I've turned down plenty of guys who were madly in love with me... Because I just wasn't in love with them!!

 

"just because we have a vagina, men aren't throwing themselves at us"

 

Your entire post contradicts that statement. Though "Also, even if some are, they might not be the one we want!" brings you back down to Earth.

 

How often have you been turned down by men you wanted?

 

Under 5 times? Under 10? 20? 50?

 

I'm also sure that a significant number of decent guys have been interested in you, though for whatever reason, you just weren't into them.

[ASG]

"just because we have a vagina, men aren't throwing themselves at us"

 

Your entire post contradicts that statement. Though "Also, even if some are, they might not be the one we want!" brings you back down to Earth.

 

How often have you been turned down by men you wanted?

 

Under 5 times? Under 10? 20? 50?

 

I'm also sure that a significant number of decent guys have been interested in you, though for whatever reason, you just weren't into them.

 

No, they're not throwing themselves at me. Also, not sure if you read that it's mstly MARRIED MEN that put the moves on! Not what I'm looking for.

 

 

I've been turned down so many times I've lost count. Why do you think it doesn't happen??? There have been plenty of guys who've had no interest in me!

 

Of course there have been decent guys interested in me! But do you think that just because a guy shows interest, I need to take it and get into a relationship with him????

I mean... if a girl you didn't think was attractive was pursuing you and was interested, would you get into a relationship with her? Because I wouldn't. I could never be in a relationship with someone I'm not attracted to (both physically and mentally).

 

I tried it last year. This guy I'd always thought was a good catch became available and asked me out! I was thrilled. Turns out we had NO chemistry. NONE! Conversation flowed and we had a good time, but physically there was just nothing there. I didn't give up though, I went out with him again! And felt the same and now small things of his were starting to irk me.

So I broke it off... He still pursued me for a time. But how could I get into a relationship with him if even the noise he made while kissing me was putting me off????

[somedude81]

No, they're not throwing themselves at me. Also, not sure if you read that it's mstly MARRIED MEN that put the moves on! Not what I'm looking for.

No I didn't read that it was mostly married men.

 

Even if it was mostly married men, there still should be a good number of single guys after you as well right?

 

 

I've been turned down so many times I've lost count. Why do you think it doesn't happen??? There have been plenty of guys who've had no interest in me!

Because of the way you describe yourself, I can't imagine guys turning you down.

 

I'm surprised to read that you've been turned down by many men. Have these been real rejections, or just guys that didn't return your smile? Very few women get rejected like men do.

 

Of course there have been decent guys interested in me! But do you think that just because a guy shows interest, I need to take it and get into a relationship with him????

I mean... if a girl you didn't think was attractive was pursuing you and was interested, would you get into a relationship with her? Because I wouldn't. I could never be in a relationship with someone I'm not attracted to (both physically and mentally).

When I say decent, I'm encompassing a base level of attraction. Like the guy looks OK enough and has no major flaws physically or mentally.

 

As for me, I've only had one non-obese woman in my entire life show interest in me, and she became my first and only GF.

 

Frustratingly, the women who are the nicest and seem to be flirting with me have all turned out to be unavailable, so I know how you must feel. I don't count them as showing real interest.

 

I tried it last year. This guy I'd always thought was a good catch became available and asked me out! I was thrilled. Turns out we had NO chemistry. NONE! Conversation flowed and we had a good time, but physically there was just nothing there. I didn't give up though, I went out with him again! And felt the same and now small things of his were starting to irk me.

So I broke it off... He still pursued me for a time. But how could I get into a relationship with him if even the noise he made while kissing me was putting me off????

I really don't understand chemistry. Obviously the guy didn't either.

[hotpotato]

Not the least bit true for me.

 

i get stalkers and guys sexually harassing me, but that's it.

[ASG]

No I didn't read that it was mostly married men.

 

Even if it was mostly married men, there still should be a good number of single guys after you as well right?

 

 

Because of the way you describe yourself, I can't imagine guys turning you down.

 

I'm surprised to read that you've been turned down by many men. Have these been real rejections, or just guys that didn't return your smile? Very few women get rejected like men do.

 

When I say decent, I'm encompassing a base level of attraction. Like the guy looks OK enough and has no major flaws physically or mentally.

 

As for me, I've only had one non-obese woman in my entire life show interest in me, and she became my first and only GF.

 

Frustratingly, the women who are the nicest and seem to be flirting with me have all turned out to be unavailable, so I know how you must feel. I don't count them as showing real interest.

 

I really don't understand chemistry. Obviously the guy didn't either.

 

Well, sure there are some single guys. But that doesn't mean they're right for me. Sometimes it's only about the sex, which is fine, but again, doesn't lead to a relationship.

Other times, after a couple of dates things fizzle, for one reason or another. Someone that looks good on paper might not be a good match!

 

And sure, I'm fairly attractive. I'm no model though and don't stop traffic. And I'm sure some things about my personality will not be attractive to others.

 

I don't tend to go up to a guy and ask him out, though. I will initiate conversations and flirt and try to show my interest as best as I can. As "forward" as I may be, I still live in this society, where men are supposed to be the pursuers. And I don't think they have to do all the work, but if I get no positive response to my advances, I chalk it up to a no and move on.

I have a very recent example of being rejected, once again! Guy I met years ago. We flirted and were clearly attracted to each other. But the timing was wrong. Fair enough. Years later we start messaging again, with him saying we should meet up. I run with it and try to arrange meeting. He always came up with some excuse. I took it as a no and stopped actively contacting him. Same thing happened again. He sent me a happy birthday msg and suggested we meet up! Great! I once again took on the role of the initiator. Once again he came up with excuses every single time. I stopped.

That guy clearly is not interested. He might be attracted to me, but is not interested in seeing where it leads, at all! It happens a lot.

 

Well, the guy I had no chemistry at all with was ok looking and interesting. Like I said, I always thought he was a good catch, but he was in a relationship. Then they broke up. We met up again, by chance and started chatting and he asked me out! I thought it could actually lead to something!

 

But then... there was nothing there. I can't explain chemistry to you... I don't think anyone can. But it's what makes kissing that person a great experience, as opposed to kissing your hand! And when that guy kissed me... I felt nothing. I was very disappointed! And went out with him again. And that second time just cemented my feelings that we weren't a good match.

 

Maybe I'm dreaming of a knight in shining armour, but I want to feel some kind of butterflies when I kiss someone.

 

My last ex was obese. And I mean OBESE! When he first started pursuing me I wasn't that interested. But he was cute and I didn't want to dismiss him just because he was fat. So I went out with him. And that went well. Then we kissed and I wasn't disgusted at all, which, frankly, surprised me. We went out again and eventually slept together and after that I could not keep my hands off of him!

 

With this other guy, I was attracted to start with, then we kissed and I felt "meh" and when we slept together I was like "oh... is that it? hmmm".

 

And before you say anything about size, my ex was very small, on a very obese body. Proportion was not his friend. Our first time was not earth shattering. It was just regular. Same as with this other guy, who was more average. But with my ex I felt butterflies. With this other guy I felt nothing at all... That's chemistry!

[iris219]

No I didn't read that it was mostly married men.

 

Even if it was mostly married men, there still should be a good number of single guys after you as well right?

 

Many women on here have discussed their personal experiences and have explained that dating is hard for them. Many of us have gone years without dating.

 

Why do you refuse to believe it? Do you think we are lying?