The introvert tries for the social butterfly...

[Artscrafter]

I'm a sophomore in college, and through common interests and activities I've developed a crush on a freshman girl I'll call "Jennifer." The funny part is, the thing that attracts me to her the most is also my greatest stumbling block.

 

I'm something of an introvert. By "something" I mean that I can hold very animated conversations with individual people, but in group conversations I'm often sitting at the sidelines, and I tend not to seek out more personal contact with other people than I get over the course of a normal day. By contrast, Jennifer is extremely outgoing and friendly. From what I've been able to see, she seems to have more close friends than anyone else I know. These are very attractive qualities to me, since it's easier for me to feel relaxed and more natural when I'm with people who are outgoing and inclusive.

 

The problem? I have no idea how she feels the other way, or even what her current "status" is. She's flirted with me a few times (and she gives the most amazing back rubs) but after some observation it's occurred to me that she does this to a lot of guys. From the way a lot of the rest of our social circle conducts themselves, this seems to be fairly normal behavior - there's lots of casual flirting going around all the time. The problem is that this entire open mindset is all a little foreign to me, and I can't tell from looking what's casual and what isn't (apart from some of the couples whose attachment is common knowledge.) Consequently, I have a "short list" of guys who she's been especially friendly towards, and frankly I can't tell whether there is something more serious going on between her and any of them, let alone which one if so.

 

It boils down to two questions:

 

1. Is there any way that I can subtly find out more about the status of these people without making it too obvious that I'm asking around? I know, it sounds like the kind of drama a lot of you went through in junior high school, but I don't want to end up spending a lot of time and effort only to find out too late that one of the others is actually her boyfriend.

 

2. How do I demonstrate to her that I want to be more than just another one of her multitude of friends? I've done most of the things I usually do - seek her out among the rest of our mutual friends while in a large group, give her backrubs, and yes, ask her out, in this case to a concert that's happening about two weeks from now (she said she'd love to go, "if you don't think of anyone else who would want to go even more," whatever THAT means) - and she's taken them all so much in stride that I'm not sure I'm getting my point across.

[runner]

i can relate to how you feel as i'm also the lonely sort, but i've been there and all i can tell you is to not worry about the other guys so much. wot you need to be concentrating on is her and your feelings for her. don't go around snooping with other ppl or you'll just end up opening the wrath of drama and rumour - ick. Jennifer's really the only one you need to be speaking with and giving your undivided attention to; and of course, be straight with her, be honest (but not too honest as to come off as a desperate freak - you know wot i mean), and simply get to know her better. anyways, i could go on, but to cut it short: it does sound like she's even remotely interested if she talks to you and even lets you touch her. from here on, its up to you to keep things interesting between the two of you, and if you keep things up, and more interesting than the other guys, she's yours. that concert sounds like a good idea.

 

cheers

[runner]

i can relate to how you feel as i'm also the loner sort, but i've been there and all i can tell you is to not worry about the other guys so much. wot you need to be concentrating on is her and your feelings for her. don't go around snooping with other ppl or you'll just end up opening the wrath of drama and rumour - ick. Jennifer's really the only one you need to be speaking with and giving your undivided attention to; and of course, be straight with her, be honest (but not too honest as to come off as a desperate freak - you know wot i mean), and simply get to know her better. anyways, i could go on, but to cut it short: it does sound like she's even remotely interested if she talks to you and even lets you touch her. from here on, its up to you to keep things interesting between the two of you, and if you keep things up, and more interesting than the other guys, she's yours. that concert sounds like a good idea.

 

cheers

[Artscrafter]

Okay, after a bit more observation, it's evident that most of the guys on my mental list are harmless. One has a girlfriend already that I'd forgotten about, another doesn't treat her any differently than most of the rest of the girls he hangs out with, and so on. But there's still one - we'll call him Ted - who I'm getting really suspicious of. Whereas I would seek Jennifer out in a group of mutual friends, as I said earlier, she seems to seek Ted out - and Ted does the same back to her. I've sometimes had to place myself physically between them in order to ensure that she was talking to me and not him (and he'd sometimes join in anyway.) They live in the same dorm, they seem to have even more similar extracurricular interests and so on. It's as if Fate is conspiring against me on this one.

 

Regardless, I don't think they're seriously seeing each other yet, given her behavior around other guys (and her accepting my invitation to the concert) but I'm starting to feel that if I don't act quickly, that "yet" will come to happen. And I might be wrong about my original guess.

 

So it comes down to the same two questions, but slightly varied. I'm going to have to find out what the deal is between Jennifer and Ted at some point; what's the most subtle, nonthreatening way to do so? (Basically, I don't want to broadcast "I hope Ted isn't your boyfriend because that's what I want to be" just yet.) And what can I do to speed up the process of winning her over without freaking her out? Any help would be appreciated.

 

EDIT: Please don't bother to tell me that I may have to accept not being able to win her over. I know that. But I'd hate myself if I didn't try.

[runner]

hehe...sounds like you got some competition. the best thing you can do at this point would be to invite Ted to go on a hunting trip with you; when deep in the woods, gag and tie him up for the bears to eat him. but that might not be appropriate for sane folk like you. anyways...

 

yes, you do need to act quickly with this and start dropping hints to Jennifer. but not in a desperate, i gotta get to the finish line before Teddy does sort of way. be playful; flirt; girls like it when guys flirt with them. and keep it subtle and non-threatening; girls have keen senses about these things. but at the end of the day, its still her own decision to make, and all you can really do is hope for the best. but keep things positive, fun and playful, and your chances will be better. some specific advice: truly get to know about the things she loves or likes to do - really listen to wot she's saying.

 

anyways, the fact that shes talking to you and willing to go out with you is a very good advantage. make the best of it.

 

cheers

 

oh and i just realised i posted the same thing twice...oops.

[amerikajin]

Dude,

 

Let me give you a piece of advice: you don't have to found out anything before you make your move. Just make your move and let her decide how far it goes. If she's got a boyfriend she's interested in, she'll let you know once you've made your move.

 

Why not just tell her you're thinking of doing something fun and would like to invite her along? Get to know each other that way.

 

It's all about attitude.

[SavesTheDay]

Tell her how you feel - don't bother try starting small talk with her. (Girls can see right through it).

 

Just go up to her, and say something like- "Hey, I think that you're one beautiful baby, and that you shouldn't walk around not knowing it."

 

Ohhh yeah... watch Swingers. (It's a movie).

[amerikajin]

Pick up lines don't work, so don't try to use them.

 

Just start off with something that's not so obvious. If she's giving backrubs you've already got something to work with. Maybe you could start a conversation about massages, though try to avoid sexual innuendo. Make it start off going in an intellectual direction, like some little known interesting fact about massages (i.e. research suggests massages can decrease blood pressure, etc...) then turn it into a feel good discussion, like asking her about the best massage she's ever had. All the while, you're body language has to be good - just have the conversation with her as you would with a friend.

[Fuzzy Chickens]

Just walk right up to her, look her straight in the eye, and say "Okay, I have to ask you something that's been driving me nuts for weeks. Are you interested in me or not?"

 

You'll end up with either plus one girlfriend or minus one regular friend, but either way, it'll be over

[SavesTheDay]

Originally posted by amerikajin

Pick up lines don't work, so don't try to use them.

 

Just start off with something that's not so obvious. If she's giving backrubs you've already got something to work with. Maybe you could start a conversation about massages, though try to avoid sexual innuendo. Make it start off going in an intellectual direction, like some little known interesting fact about massages (i.e. research suggests massages can decrease blood pressure, etc...) then turn it into a feel good discussion, like asking her about the best massage she's ever had. All the while, you're body language has to be good - just have the conversation with her as you would with a friend.

 

They work just fine.

 

In fact, they work wonders. My buddy uses them on a daily basis; he gets more girls then he can handle.

 

I've seen it with my own eyes.

 

You just need to be confident, but not cocky.