Yeh, dumb question ahead --> Fate?

[WickiWacki]

This is ridiculous. I'm in a bad relationship. We've been "working it out" since November 2003. We have kids so I've been giving my best go of it, but I wonder if I'm coming to the end of the line.

 

My boyfriend's friend and I have a weird little connection. I'm not the cheating kind. Neither is he. We shared an awesome talk a little over a year ago that made me respect him a lot more than I had. Whenever he'd call for my bf we'd chit chat a little ... then he moved and it was no big deal. I wasn't even considering it a crush on him. Just friends.

 

A few months down the road I was working upstairs and the thought "wouldn't mind seeing x again" popped into my head. It was weird, random. Immediately I hear his voice! Our son - who knows never to answer the door - let him inside and he was downstairs looking for one of us. I told him bf wasn't home and sent him on his way, but it freaked me out a little bit. A few weeks later I was at the video store and saw the cover of a movie he'd talked about briefly and I thought "wouldn't it be weird if I heard his voice right now? haha" And I did! He was right behind me, and wound up saying hello at just that instant. Weird.

 

But again, he was gone for several months, during which time I did think of him on and off and felt guilty every time. I've made a concentrated effort not to get into conversations with him when he calls, and not to hang out in the event he does come over.

 

I make money through affiliate links online, and I had an affiliate last month (highest earning at that point $340) that was at $280, and out of the blue I thought, "Okay, if this hits $500 this month, it's a sign X and I will get together." I was weirded out by the thought because it's so unlike me to 1) leave my life up to fate or 2) entertain thoughts of "getting together" with anyone! But I figured it was most likely not going to reach $500 and a good way to trick him out of my head. No problem -- except in the last week of the month it spiked to $510. I decided to write it off as coincidence and good financial luck, and nothing more.

 

Since then when he calls he places an emphasis on my boyfriend. Saying, "Is your husband home?" but the reasons for his calls get more and more ridiculous. It's like he likes me but doesn't want to. Or maybe I'm just hoping that because that is how I am feeling. How pathetic.

 

Anyway, today my boyfriend was called into work really early. He doesn't usually go in until evening, and that's generally when his friend calls. I said to myself - again, out of the blue - "well, if he calls this morning than I know we'll have a good future together". Why do I do this?? I was so relieved because I knew he wouldn't call that early - never has - and it would help me get over it ... until, of course, he called!

 

What am I doing? Why are these thoughts popping into my head? How can I get them to stay away? I feel guilty ... but admittedly also a little happy ... but also very freaked, to say the least! Am I going crazy?? lol Hope not, for the kids' sake.

[emopunk]

Just a question...

 

Are you "working things out" or "looking for a way out?"

 

I only ask because I noticed two different lines of thought.

[Orchid]

Ever heard the expression "what you focus on expands"?. It's all about energy.

 

You see a commercial for a new car, you really like it, you imagine yourself driving around in one, you start thinking about buying one... all of a sudden everywhere you go you see that type of car. You start thinking about having a baby... all of a sudden everywhere you go you see pregnant women. Coincidence?. No. That type of car was always around, pregnant women were always around, you just never focused your energies there before is all.

[WickiWacki]

Are you "working things out" or "looking for a way out?"

 

Funny how you need someone else to point out the obvious. I think, in my head, I had given my boyfriend about a year to show some progress - because it was around November when I started having real feelings for his friend. I haven't gotten the results I expected, the ones he said he was committed to give me. I don't want to be the one to walk away because we have children and I feel like they'll blame me if their lives go downhill, and in a way I feel like I owe them the right to be with us both, even if I'm not very happy.

 

You see a commercial for a new car, you really like it, you imagine yourself driving around in one, you start thinking about buying one... all of a sudden everywhere you go you see that type of car.

 

Again, that sounds much more likely, but it still creeps me out. I need to stop thinking about this guy, and start thinking about winning the lottery.

 

Thanks so much for responding. I appreciate the seriousness.