jothebo41 Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Ok hello LS members, I am a athletic 23 y/o male who has never had a girlfriend and has never had sex in his life. Talk about suck... Although the past 2+ years or so I have gotten way more confident about approaching women, confidence doesn't necessarily help or beget results. I will admit that I have been absurdly unlucky in pursuit of a partner which would imply I'm not all at fault. (Born-again Lesbian, 2 forever ghosts, 2 flakes, and 3 'lets just be friends (LOL after you buy me 1+ dinners)) I just can't take it anymore. I can't take getting my confidence obliterated or dishing out money for dates. Note I dont mean I shell out 200+ and expect sex, but being 23 y/o with student loans and a modest salary I literally can't repeatedly feed girls. I just can't. Only once in my life has a girl ever even offered to pay for a date, and I've been on plenty. I guess this is more of a rant, but I really don't mean to put all women into one category, I'm smarter than that. Just I don't know what to do anymore and the loneliness and desperation builds. I try, I embarrass myself plenty at bars or grocery stores, but every rejection hurts. When you've never had even a casual gf (never brought anyone home to the parents), and you're younger cousin gets married, and without warning, you're mom kisses you on the forehead and tells you 'don''t worry its not a race, some lovely lady will love you..' you want to go 1000 miles away and puke repeatedly. That was not fun, So any advice? I guess this is a vague scenario, but the longer this lasts the more frustrated and hopeless I feel....
SJC2008 Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 As a fellow late bloomer the best advice I can give you is to tread carefully when you "critique" yourself. When one gets rejected repeatedly it's obvious they are the common denominator and they look at themselves. While it's a good thing to work on yourself don't obess on yourself to the point where it makes you more insecure. That's what has happened to me. Also: DO NOT SIGN UP FOR ONLINE DATING. IT WILL MAKE YOUR CONFIDENCE WORSE. 4
topaMAXX Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Ok hello LS members, I am a athletic 23 y/o male who has never had a girlfriend and has never had sex in his life. Talk about suck... Although the past 2+ years or so I have gotten way more confident about approaching women, confidence doesn't necessarily help or beget results. I will admit that I have been absurdly unlucky in pursuit of a partner which would imply I'm not all at fault. (Born-again Lesbian, 2 forever ghosts, 2 flakes, and 3 'lets just be friends (LOL after you buy me 1+ dinners)) I just can't take it anymore. I can't take getting my confidence obliterated or dishing out money for dates. Note I dont mean I shell out 200+ and expect sex, but being 23 y/o with student loans and a modest salary I literally can't repeatedly feed girls. I just can't. Only once in my life has a girl ever even offered to pay for a date, and I've been on plenty. I guess this is more of a rant, but I really don't mean to put all women into one category, I'm smarter than that. Just I don't know what to do anymore and the loneliness and desperation builds. I try, I embarrass myself plenty at bars or grocery stores, but every rejection hurts. When you've never had even a casual gf (never brought anyone home to the parents), and you're younger cousin gets married , and without warning, you're mom kisses you on the forehead and tells you 'don''t worry its not a race, some lovely lady will love you..' you want to go 1000 miles away and puke repeatedly. That was not fun, So any advice? I guess this is a vague scenario, but the longer this lasts the more frustrated and hopeless I feel.... If it makes you feel any better, your younger cousin (what is he, like 21? lol) will probably get divorced. Way too young to be getting married. You haven't really said much about yourself. Are you ugly? Short? Socially awkward? An undesirable race?
TalesoftheWireMonkey Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 I'm right there with you buddy. I didn't get into a virginity-losing relationship till I was around thirty and several years after that before I had a real involved relationship. It's a special little version of hell you are in, it feels like everyone else in the world is out having sex or being in love. I'm going to bet the harder you try to be likable the more rejected you get? I don't think I can mention any here but there is a lot of dating advice on the internet you may want to take a look at. It may change your attitude about what you have been taught that women respond to. Which in turn will boost your confidence. Remember that relationships don't define your worth. your frustration and hopelessness is because you have tied your image of yourself to your relationship status. Find a mission and goal in life and make that your prime concern. Love and sex may come your way or not but if pleasing one individual is what you focus on for happiness you never will feel fulfilled. 3
Titania22 Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 My brother didn't get a girlfriend until he was 29yrs old, and it's likely he was never with any before that. In the end the changes that led to his girlfriend, were a fulltime job, lots of socialising with workmates, and old friends from school, posting lots on facebook (showing everyone what a fantastic social life he had). I think he ended up finding her through online dating (or at least online networking). If you were a girl, either you would be dating guys (meaning you would be eventually having sex with them, which you could do now as a guy), or you mean you wish you were a lesbian, which involves a whole different set of problems, as most girls are heterosexual, they don't come labelled with sexuality either, and there are still going to be flaky ones. I have a daughter who might be gay, but she has never met a girl to even test the waters with. 2
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 I am a girl and I hate dating too. You think it's easier? Ha think again 6
somedude81 Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 I got my first GF at 31, and she left me after six months. I've been single for almost five months now. Yeah dating can really suck if you don't know what you're doing. Yes it's infinitely more easy for women but there is no point in complaining about that. Wishing you were a woman is about as helpful as wishing you were born into a super rich family. The first thing you need to do is try to figure out what you are doing wrong. 1
tekkenfan2 Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 The main thing with dating as a male is you have to get used to rejection unfortunately, its gonna happen.... A LOT no matter who you are. You wanna work on your approach and being able to read a womans reactions to things you do. As far as spending too much money, don't take girls to dinner as a first date, do coffee or a walk in the park. Something simple that you spend at least money as possible but can talk to a girl and see if you have chemistry or not. You may want to try online dating, but women are VERY flaky online, however you can see how much time a woman puts into her profile and may find something that interests you. Good luck 2
contact1 Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Yea its rough out there, I feel you bro. Let me tell you something funny, when you are looking and don't have someone, it's like mission impossible out there. But once you have a gf, and are no longer looking / interested in other girls, they start popping out of the wood works, funny how that works huh? 2
somedude81 Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 As far as spending too much money, don't take girls to dinner as a first date, do coffee or a walk in the park. Something simple that you spend at least money as possible but can talk to a girl and see if you have chemistry or not. I second this. Don't spend a lot of money on a first date. My first date cost me $10. I paid for parking at the beach. We went hiking, then went to the tide-pools and talked for hours. On date two, was about $15 as I bought us lunch at Chipotle. Don't spend a lot of money on a girl till you are sure that she's worth it and that she actually likes you. 1
Smilecharmer Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Go for walks in the park or to art galleries that cost nothing. You don't have to spend money to date. Some of my favorite dates were ones where my date put thought into it and didn't really pay for anything......hikes, fishing, beach, drives in the mountains or along coasts where I packed a lunch and we had a picnic, dog parks to play with dogs or art museums on free days or art galleries. I don't think plain or timid women have very much luck dating either so........might not want to wish you were a girl unless you came back as a gorgeous tall,thin one with big breasts. 2
Author jothebo41 Posted April 22, 2014 Author Posted April 22, 2014 I'm actually not as awkward or ugly as people would think. I can have a fun random conversation, in shape, I work at a fortune 100, have my own place. I have 0 luck, and with the multiple posters who have said they or their male relative didnt get a gf until they were well into their 20s or 30s...holy crap that is scary for me. But nothing works, its so depressingly lonely. Because I drew the male card in life and have to 'hunt' well god d*mmit hunting sucks and obliterates your confidence and gets you nowhere unless the girl falls head over heels for you immediately. I literally have no idea what to do. Its like a hell begets hell issue. I would actually rather pay for a prostitute at this point. Just to actually be able to touch a human being, instead of all these cruel dating games that punches me in the face and wallet.
gaius Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Strap on a dress, heels, nice wig and hit the bars. Make lots of eye contact, twirl your hair and boom. Problem solved. 2
HappyLove Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Well with that defeatist attitude I'm sure the dates you were able to get could sense it from a mile away. No one wants to be with a woe is me person. You need a better attitude.
salparadise Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Its like a hell begets hell issue. I would actually rather pay for a prostitute at this point. Just to actually be able to touch a human being, instead of all these cruel dating games that punches me in the face and wallet. I would bet that there is something about your interaction style that is holding you back. People who genuinely (and generously) connect with people usually end up in relationships. My suggestion would be to let go of goal-oriented motivation and work on relating to people (all) in a more open, other-focused, less self-conscious kind of way. One of my friends has a daughter about your age. She is beautiful, smart and competent. Her self-esteem is probably not the highest, but it's certainly not in the tank either. She is in a relationship now (two years and counting) with a pretty average guy... whose face was seriously burned in an accident and looks downright scary. This guy has perhaps one of the greatest possible physical barriers to attracting women and finding a relationship, yet he is successful because he doesn't let it define him and he relates to people. The belief that something is inherently wrong with you may function as a self-fulfilling attitude in the dating/relationship realm. Happiness is elusive when pursued directly; it's more a by-product of finding meaning in life and pursuing things that are fulfilling outside of one's self. Matters of the heart are similar.
preraph Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 You have confidence problems. Here's the thing: Whether a relationship works out or not shouldn't have anything to do with whether you are confident within yourself. Your confidence can't hinge on merging with another person. That is a classic sign of low self-esteem. You will always be miserable until you deal with it, preferably through therapy. Self-esteem is established mainly in childhood and reflects your self-worth. People with low self-esteem need other people on their arm more or less as a prop or crutch to make themselves look good and convince themselves they are normal. You have to get okay with yourself so every rejection isn't cataclysmic. 1
somedude81 Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 You have confidence problems. Here's the thing: Whether a relationship works out or not shouldn't have anything to do with whether you are confident within yourself. Your confidence can't hinge on merging with another person. That is a classic sign of low self-esteem. You will always be miserable until you deal with it, preferably through therapy. Self-esteem is established mainly in childhood and reflects your self-worth. People with low self-esteem need other people on their arm more or less as a prop or crutch to make themselves look good and convince themselves they are normal. You have to get okay with yourself so every rejection isn't cataclysmic. Improve your self-esteem and confidence sounds like great advice. But it's actually as useful as telling somebody to become a millionaire. At least you suggested therapy.
TouchedByViolet Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 You have confidence problems. Here's the thing: Whether a relationship works out or not shouldn't have anything to do with whether you are confident within yourself. Your confidence can't hinge on merging with another person. That is a classic sign of low self-esteem. You will always be miserable until you deal with it, preferably through therapy. Self-esteem is established mainly in childhood and reflects your self-worth. People with low self-esteem need other people on their arm more or less as a prop or crutch to make themselves look good and convince themselves they are normal. You have to get okay with yourself so every rejection isn't cataclysmic. Completely wrong. I have never heard of a girl rejecting me for confidence or self esteem. I have heard all sorts of other reasons behind my back but never that cliche BS answer. Many guys struggle to get into relationships and when guys find it they have often been rejected a lot. Most guys have it hard but play it cool and embellish their skills because that looks and sounds better. 2
PinkInTheLimo Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 I'm a 49 year old woman, you have no clue what a desperate dating situation is... :-) And I'm not even unattractive... 1
somedude81 Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 I'm a 49 year old woman, you have no clue what a desperate dating situation is... :-) And I'm not even unattractive... Have you been in a desperate dating situation your whole life, or just the past ten years or so?
PinkInTheLimo Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Have you been in a desperate dating situation your whole life, or just the past ten years or so? My dating life was never a big succes but during the last 10 years it got more difficult to meet someone available and decent. This said it is also a fact that the older I get the less inclined I am to put up with crap. Plus I don't doubt myself as much as I used to so I have toughened up which I guess makes me less approachable and "sweet". I have many qualities but I am not a flirt and I am not superficial. My Myers Briggs type is INTJ, I am highly sensitive and I am gifted so I am not your average and sweet girl. Probably come across as rather intellectual although I am very sensitive and romantic at heart (as in the kind of person who wants to cuddle babies and puppies - yes really).
shet Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 snip Uh, I'm calling this out for being unhelpful. Telling someone growing older without ever having any romantic connections that they have poor self esteem and need to fix that is like telling a man dying of thirst in the desert that he's dying of thirst and needs to hurry up and find some water. That's how helpful and considerate of the problem it is. 2
somedude81 Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 My dating life was never a big succes but during the last 10 years it got more difficult to meet someone available and decent. This said it is also a fact that the older I get the less inclined I am to put up with crap. Plus I don't doubt myself as much as I used to so I have toughened up which I guess makes me less approachable and "sweet". I have many qualities but I am not a flirt and I am not superficial. My Myers Briggs type is INTJ, I am highly sensitive and I am gifted so I am not your average and sweet girl. Probably come across as rather intellectual although I am very sensitive and romantic at heart (as in the kind of person who wants to cuddle babies and puppies - yes really). It's not really surprising that you are having a hard time if you're trying to date as a 40+ woman. Though when you say that it's never been a big success, you mean that you've never had a serious relationship? I'm 32, and got my first girlfriend at 31 (not for a lack of trying), and that only lasted for six months, would you say that I've had more dating success than you? Most likely up until your mid 30's or later, you weren't able to relate at all to the men who really struggled. The vast majority of women never have a clue what it feels like to truly believe that nobody wants you. The only ones who do, are the few who are trying to date at 40+ for one reason or another. 1
hotpotato Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Being a woman in the dating world isnt all roses. A woman can have the opposite problem-too many guys wanting sex. A lot of men have a hard time getting past the physical. If a woman did have sex with them, then shes a dirty slut. This may sound counterituitive, but maybe you shlould screen girls a little more. Are you cold approaching? It may be better to meet women in some shared activity or hobby.
somedude81 Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Being a woman in the dating world isnt all roses. A woman can have the opposite problem-too many guys wanting sex. A lot of men have a hard time getting past the physical. If a woman did have sex with them, then shes a dirty slut. Then be more selective on who you have sex with... If 100 men are interested in you, then you can filter out the men who just want sex, and only focus on the guys who want a relationship. If 0 women are interested in you, then you can't do sh*t. 1
Recommended Posts