Life: What am I doing?

[DannyCA]

Please please bear with me, this is long but I would definitely love to hear and would greatly appreciate everyones opinions.

 

I'm just unsure. What am I doing with myself? What are you doing with yourself? I find myself trying to be a better person everyday but I'm not sure what I'm doing; if that makes sense. I find myself questioning anything and everything and getting nothing in return.

 

I work 5 days a week, I work out everyday (I'm in the best shape of my life), I try to go to as many concerts as I can afford, I am casually dating, I just started volunteering with the youth, I go to the beach all the time, I go to the bars every weekend, I play video games, I read occasionally, I just started learning guitar, and those are just to name a few of the things that occupy my time. But what is the point? What does it mean?

 

I have qualms about everything. Unfortunately I am in this state of mind only because of an ex. Don't worry, I'm not going to ask how to get her back, that part of my life is over. It's just that I would have let myself slip into this secure, monotonous, averagely boring life if she didn't leave me. I have never been the "player" type, but I also have never believed in settling down before the age of 25 (I have no idea where the hell I got that number.) But when I started dating my ex, I guess I was just a victim of love. I found myself ready to shape us into this married couple at 21. Her older brother and sister did it, so that had to be what she wanted right? I was ready to start a job I didn't want to save up money for us to live together, eventually marry, and have kids, etc. Why? Neither of us were ready. I was ready to flip on my own ideals and values because I was bit by the "love bug".

 

I have nothing against marriage, it's just I see my peers getting married, having kids, and blindly giving into the idea of settling down right now (I'm 22.) Everyone is different, everyone wants different things, but is settling down early a good idea? There has to be more to be desired right?

 

So I just up and decided to move a few months ago. I wanted something different, I wanted something new. Looking back I am glad I did it, but I wish I didn't. I am now currently in a new place 60 miles away from the city I needed to get away from. It ended up being the change I needed (but also one I didn't.) I wish I had just taken my savings and just left. Hit the road for a few months. Traveled across the US to see different things, experience different things.

 

I now have four months left before I have to go back to school. Two more years left ahead of me before I get my piece of paper that tells me "I'm worth something". Then what? I go into my career? I find a girl? We get married? Have kids? Get old together? Retire? Then die? There has to be something more...please tell me there is something more.

 

I do eventually want to get married, have kids, etc. It's just that, I feel stuck in the idea that everything that I am supposed to do in the "right now" is funneling me towards that life and I can't change the course of it. I have to go to school to get a good job. I need a good job to be financially stable. I need to be financially stable to support myself. I need to support myself to find a mate. I need to find a mate to start a family. Starting a family is the end goal right? A family = happiness? Having a family is the all-purpose of life, right?

 

I have these family friends who are in their 60's. They have been married for 30 plus years. Their oldest child is 35 and their youngest 28 so their children haven't been their main priority or "reason for living" for quite some time because their kids have grown up to live their own lives. I look at their lives (and realize not everyone is like them) but they don't do anything. They go to the gym together 3 times a week together, they go out on average once every two weeks and besides that, they just sit at home with each other doing nothing at all. They just look so comfortable to a fault. Is that what I have to look forward to?

 

I don't want to sound like a douche, but I just want to go do things. I don't want commitment. I want to be free and choose to do whatever may cross my path. I want to go wander around New York, Chicago, Seattle, Portland, Miami, Washington DC, etc. I want to observe different cultures, breathe in their air, and taste the different foods from every continent. But I can't do that. I am just an average joe. I will never have the capital to support such a lavish life.

 

No one does anything else. We all strive to start a family and do nothing else. I feel like everyone's endgame is to: A) Get a job, B) Find a mate C) Start a family. Human beings long for companionship, but somewhere along the lines someone said we have to do "this" and "that" to get "here" then we can be happy.

 

I find my peers talking all this stuff about "love" and "the one" and "I'm done searching" etc. I don't think thats true. I believe that you can love an "x" amount of people, but there just comes a time (more often later that sooner) that you stumble across another person in the same state of mind as yourself. That state of mind being: "I'm ready to settle down". The scary thing is you could have done what you're are doing with your current spouse with an infinite amount of other people.

 

I look around LS and the majority of what I see are people so concerned about getting their ex back. Since when did getting your ex back or having a relationship become "the most important thing in life?" I will admit I was in the same boat as a lot of these people, probably worse off than a lot of them, but I was even more lost then when all I wanted was my ex rather than now when I find myself questioning everything.

 

When did love and marriage become the end game? Why is it now the "norm" after high school to go to college, live a wild and reckless lifestyle, and then settle down to eventually have a family? I will admit I have lived a semi-reckless college lifestyle (from 19 to 21) and it was fun as all hell. I just think people tell themselves that "ok, 4 years of being crazy and wild in college then I'm ready to start a family". I think that (while extremely fun) doesn't answer any questions about yourself.

 

I don't want to stray too far from the topic but I feel like that's why so many people aren't satisfied in life down the road when they get married in their early to mid twenties. Sure they had endless amounts of fun in college and afterwards, but that didn't teach them anything. They didn't really do what they wanted. They didn't really "find themselves" and a lot is left to be desired. So they go and try to find that, but feel stuck in their marriage.

 

Idk, I'm scared, I feel lost, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do, I'm not sure what I'm doing even matters. I'm trying very hard to find a purpose in life, but feel like I'm coming up short everytime. I know I'm only 22 and have so much time ahead of me, but for quite some time I cant help but shake this intensely consuming feeling of uncertainty.

 

If you made it to the end I thank you for taking the time to read. Again your opinions would be greatly appreciated, thank you.

[Grumpybutfun]

Read Viktor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning" and study the principles in Buddhism. Learn how to enjoy and live in the present. Our lives are what we make of them and the quality is what we demand. Be aware and live with purpose. Figure out what you value and why, then work towards the parameters of letting go of the things that do not work. You are looking backwards so you don't value what is before you. Sometimes our purpose in life is just to enjoy it and to have a good one. I know that I have had many roles and purposes in my life and none of them will ever get me on the cover of a magazine but they were relevant and important to me. Life is an amazing journey but only after you learn to stop seeing it as a race, a competition or an entitlement.

Good luck,

Grumps

[dichotomy]

You can delay marriage and kids for a decade if you want. Many people do these days wait till 30's till they had a chance to explore and challenge themselves.

 

You are in college? what year and what are you studying? Some careers can allow you to travel - to different cities - walk around NY, Chicago, Seattle etc...as you indicate you want to. Mine does/did.

 

It sounds like right now you are searching for meaning, and maybe just wanting to explore and see new things and that sounds normal for many people at your age.

 

One thing I can say for me - is that I do value some level of security and comfort, but that success and meaning for me ultimately has meant making a difference in the lives of others - my family, my community and my profession.

[DannyCA]

Read Viktor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning" and study the principles in Buddhism. Learn how to enjoy and live in the present. Our lives are what we make of them and the quality is what we demand. Be aware and live with purpose. Figure out what you value and why, then work towards the parameters of letting go of the things that do not work. You are looking backwards so you don't value what is before you. Sometimes our purpose in life is just to enjoy it and to have a good one. I know that I have had many roles and purposes in my life and none of them will ever get me on the cover of a magazine but they were relevant and important to me. Life is an amazing journey but only after you learn to stop seeing it as a race, a competition or an entitlement.

Good luck,

Grumps

 

I will definitely look into "Man's Search for Meaning". But one thing I'm curious about was what was important to you? What were some of the roles and purposes you spoke of that will never get you onto a magazine?

 

You can delay marriage and kids for a decade if you want. Many people do these days wait till 30's till they had a chance to explore and challenge themselves.

 

You are in college? what year and what are you studying? Some careers can allow you to travel - to different cities - walk around NY, Chicago, Seattle etc...as you indicate you want to. Mine does/did.

 

It sounds like right now you are searching for meaning, and maybe just wanting to explore and see new things and that sounds normal for many people at your age.

 

One thing I can say for me - is that I do value some level of security and comfort, but that success and meaning for me ultimately has meant making a difference in the lives of others - my family, my community and my profession.

 

I guess with my completed units I am considered a junior in college and I'm studying sociology (possibly wanting to go further and get my masters). I want to be either be a social worker, a professor at a community college, or be a probation officer with a focus on the youth.

 

What profession are you in that allows/allowed you to travel to different cities, etc?

[Grumpybutfun]

I will definitely look into "Man's Search for Meaning". But one thing I'm curious about was what was important to you? What were some of the roles and purposes you spoke of that will never get you onto a magazine?

 

 

 

I guess with my completed units I am considered a junior in college and I'm studying sociology (possibly wanting to go further and get my masters). I want to be either be a social worker, a professor at a community college, or be a probation officer with a focus on the youth.

 

What profession are you in that allows/allowed you to travel to different cities, etc?

 

My purposes in life have varied according to where I was at in my life. For instance...My first purpose was that I was going to overcome a terrible and neglectful and abusive childhood, and get out of poverty and not be Bound by the behaviors I saw in my own dysfunctional home. I concentrated on education and freedom from toxicity...in other words I knew I had to become an emancipated minor from my toxic parents at sixteen and I graduated from high school the same year. I took off on a journey across the US while waiting to get into college...went across the US working hard for money shrimping, ranching and logging while trying to figure out who I was and what I believed.

 

I read Mans Search for Meaning on that sojourn in Arches National Park one night while camping....it changed my life in that I started seeing what I had to work with, what I really carried inside that was valuable like determination and a good work ethic and I realized I couldn't let my past define me...my toxic parents couldn't take away from me. I loved travel and continued with that pursuit while in college, around the world....Africa, Europe, Australia, China, etc. I went to college and got a double degree from a Ivy League school with a full ride because I worked my butt off in high school in order to graduate with honors. I loved college, and studied even outside of class because I figured out what I wanted to be...a good man.

 

Non religious, I had to define what that meant to me and Buddhism really helped me place some of those principles in place so I had a tendency towards peace which was why it was a challenge to me to join the military and serve my country. It seemed at cross purposes to me but my grandfather had been a pilot in the second WW, a part of the greatest generation so it was in my blood, in my imagination and my love for military history made it a no brainer for me. I was young and I needed the structure of it, the purpose of doing something greater for my country. As a political science major, I knew the importance of national security and though I understood the system wasn't perfect, was I to leave it to someone else or try to make it better within?

 

So, I went in with the concept of being a good man who served my country by trying to make sure men and women who served came before weaponry and politics. I was determined to be the best Sailor in the Navy, the one who had my men's backs, the one who unfailingly went by the rules and made sure integrity and honor meant something to young men whom I became a mentor to, to learn everything I could learn and to pass that knowledge on.

 

Along the way, I met my girl and my best and favorite purpose of all came along....to be the best lover, the best husband, the best friend and the best life's partner I could be to someone who trusted me and needed me to be a good man because she had also been around so much toxicity and abuse in her childhood. It was no wonder our souls intertwined, we were of the same stories of overcoming adversity. My purpose became to be there for her, to help her to get through the same obstacles I had clawed my way through...as she is a bit younger than me, it worked out that I had something real to offer her. Understanding and compassion.

 

My hardest purpose came when we were offered her sisters three children after years of thinking we were not going to have children. We were young and I believed in no way able to take care of three kids, but my wife was haunted by their wonderment years, their childhood being taken from them by their mothers line of bad men, alcoholism and drugs so we took them. I was terrified at first because it meant our lives were going to change and I had mine so ordered and chaos did ensue but it was good chaos. From the moment I accepted them for adoption my purpose became to be the best father I could be. I am their rock, their teacher and what they can always hang into. We, the ones who weren't given a great start, became a family and having a wonderful family was healing for my wife and I...very cathartic so my purpose to be a good father gave me an amazing family and finished with my healing from childhood.

 

Now they are all grown up, living and pursuing their dreams and my purpose now is to be the best father who doesn't hover, but always has their sixes.

 

Now I am a troubleshooter for differing companies where I come in and restructure everything...in my need for being concise I became the troubleshooter others rely on to fix their firms and projects. I found a good second career after I retired from the military so I throw myself into it with new purpose, to make order out of chaos..it is the role I have been trained for all my life.

 

I continue my pursuit of being a good man, having values and high standards for myself, learning everyday that the more I learn, the more I don't know. I have nothing concise to say about your purposes in life...mine have been simple but they have given me a really great quality of life. I am trusted, respected and loved. At the end of the day, that was enough for me...ordinary acts of bravery or kindness when no one was looking and not being afraid to be the authentic me regardless of others opinion, being the rock for my family and being clear on what I believe in is what motivates me. Being a good man has always been my underlying purpose, and it is not always an easy one, but it works for me to give my life the meaning it needs to make me feel happy and fulfilled.

Best,

Grumps

[DannyCA]

My purposes in life have varied according to where I was at in my life. For instance...My first purpose was that I was going to overcome a terrible and neglectful and abusive childhood, and get out of poverty and not be Bound by the behaviors I saw in my own dysfunctional home. I concentrated on education and freedom from toxicity...in other words I knew I had to become an emancipated minor from my toxic parents at sixteen and I graduated from high school the same year. I took off on a journey across the US while waiting to get into college...went across the US working hard for money shrimping, ranching and logging while trying to figure out who I was and what I believed.

 

I read Mans Search for Meaning on that sojourn in Arches National Park one night while camping....it changed my life in that I started seeing what I had to work with, what I really carried inside that was valuable like determination and a good work ethic and I realized I couldn't let my past define me...my toxic parents couldn't take away from me. I loved travel and continued with that pursuit while in college, around the world....Africa, Europe, Australia, China, etc. I went to college and got a double degree from a Ivy League school with a full ride because I worked my butt off in high school in order to graduate with honors. I loved college, and studied even outside of class because I figured out what I wanted to be...a good man.

 

Non religious, I had to define what that meant to me and Buddhism really helped me place some of those principles in place so I had a tendency towards peace which was why it was a challenge to me to join the military and serve my country. It seemed at cross purposes to me but my grandfather had been a pilot in the second WW, a part of the greatest generation so it was in my blood, in my imagination and my love for military history made it a no brainer for me. I was young and I needed the structure of it, the purpose of doing something greater for my country. As a political science major, I knew the importance of national security and though I understood the system wasn't perfect, was I to leave it to someone else or try to make it better within?

 

So, I went in with the concept of being a good man who served my country by trying to make sure men and women who served came before weaponry and politics. I was determined to be the best Sailor in the Navy, the one who had my men's backs, the one who unfailingly went by the rules and made sure integrity and honor meant something to young men whom I became a mentor to, to learn everything I could learn and to pass that knowledge on.

 

Along the way, I met my girl and my best and favorite purpose of all came along....to be the best lover, the best husband, the best friend and the best life's partner I could be to someone who trusted me and needed me to be a good man because she had also been around so much toxicity and abuse in her childhood. It was no wonder our souls intertwined, we were of the same stories of overcoming adversity. My purpose became to be there for her, to help her to get through the same obstacles I had clawed my way through...as she is a bit younger than me, it worked out that I had something real to offer her. Understanding and compassion.

 

My hardest purpose came when we were offered her sisters three children after years of thinking we were not going to have children. We were young and I believed in no way able to take care of three kids, but my wife was haunted by their wonderment years, their childhood being taken from them by their mothers line of bad men, alcoholism and drugs so we took them. I was terrified at first because it meant our lives were going to change and I had mine so ordered and chaos did ensue but it was good chaos. From the moment I accepted them for adoption my purpose became to be the best father I could be. I am their rock, their teacher and what they can always hang into. We, the ones who weren't given a great start, became a family and having a wonderful family was healing for my wife and I...very cathartic so my purpose to be a good father gave me an amazing family and finished with my healing from childhood.

 

Now they are all grown up, living and pursuing their dreams and my purpose now is to be the best father who doesn't hover, but always has their sixes.

 

Now I am a troubleshooter for differing companies where I come in and restructure everything...in my need for being concise I became the troubleshooter others rely on to fix their firms and projects. I found a good second career after I retired from the military so I throw myself into it with new purpose, to make order out of chaos..it is the role I have been trained for all my life.

 

I continue my pursuit of being a good man, having values and high standards for myself, learning everyday that the more I learn, the more I don't know. I have nothing concise to say about your purposes in life...mine have been simple but they have given me a really great quality of life. I am trusted, respected and loved. At the end of the day, that was enough for me...ordinary acts of bravery or kindness when no one was looking and not being afraid to be the authentic me regardless of others opinion, being the rock for my family and being clear on what I believe in is what motivates me. Being a good man has always been my underlying purpose, and it is not always an easy one, but it works for me to give my life the meaning it needs to make me feel happy and fulfilled.

Best,

Grumps

 

I'm trying to be a good man as my Mom has raised myself and my siblings to be the best possible people with good morals, values, traditions, etc. I find myself being taken advantage of and things in that manner. I never really expected anything in return for trying to be the best possible man I can be, it just gets hard at times when bad things happen to me. And I think it gets worse when I don't feel anything is being answered; just more questions arise.

 

But I guess I have quite a journey ahead of me called life filled with plenty of ups and downs which I can only imagine you have gone through. You obviously have some time under your belt to have developed into such a wise and good hearted person.

 

I don't know you but you seem like one of the most generous, good spirited, honest, and genuine people I have ever met.

 

Thank you sir, I appreciate your words.

[Marks]

At 22, I think you still have a lot of figuring out to do, and you might find that only a couple of years later your goals in life will drastically change...you may in fact be okay with the settled lifestyle that you're currently lamenting. In fact, I don't think there's really anyone in their 20's and college educated who's looking to settle down already, and almost anyone I talk to who is a part of the Millenial generation (myself included, I'm 26) is looking for some sort of "purpose" in life.

 

I mean heck, you might find that after graduating, you don't even like working in the field you studied in college, or that you may not even be able to find a job in that field. That alone can change the course of where you go in life and decisions you make. That's essentially where I'm at right now...stuck in a job I don't like in a field that I'm no longer really interested in...whereas I don't have enough skills to be in the field I do like, nor is it a good field to be in anyway given its volatility. So what's my plan? Essentially going to grad school and seeing if that helps me figure things out. Otherwise, I'd say that I'm even more lost now than I was three years ago when I graduated from college.

 

Marriage is nowhere on the radar, although having a gf would be nice.