sunburned Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 My question for the MOW is, how do you go from having sex with your husbands to having sex with your a MOM? As a SOW it was hard for me to consider dating or having sex with another person while being emotionally tied to the XMM. He knew this as well... So if your emotionally tied in some ways to the MOM, and your H's how do you compartalize that? Some Men can do it with no problems at all but just based on stories from Woman in general, we connect emotional along with the sex. This thread gets recycled every so often and I don't want to enter the debate over SOW vs MOW. Neither is a desirable title or noble goal. I'll just say after the A, I think the game face is harder as a MOW with kids. Hard to be alone to sob and recover. While the A in full swing, perhaps being a SOW harder because you don't have the same distractions as your married AP. But I do want to address cocochai's question. I was a MOW but have the same question. I could never bring myself to have sex with my MOM. He pressured me a bit, but I couldn't have sex with two people in the same week much less the same day. Ick. My M wasn't sexless and neither was his. Good sex-less perhaps . I asked my AP how he could even think about it and he used the word compartmentalize. Alas, not my strong suit. A therapist type told me later to beware of people who can compartmentalize. It means they can live in a deceptive state. So though I certainly crossed a line and completely annihilated a boundary, I was never able to take that next step even though part of me wanted to. Honor among thieves? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ailsa1983 Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 My question for the MOW is, how do you go from having sex with your husbands to having sex with your a MOM? As a SOW it was hard for me to consider dating or having sex with another person while being emotionally tied to the XMM. He knew this as well... So if your emotionally tied in some ways to the MOM, and your H's how do you compartalize that? Some Men can do it with no problems at all but just based on stories from Woman in general, we connect emotional along with the sex. I didn't have sex with my husband and that is the gods honest truth, we (or shall say I) dropped out my marriage a while before xMM came Into my life, I'm one of these people who just couldn't sleep with 2 men I'm a woman who needs to be emotionally bonded with my sex partner, I wasn't with my husband but was with my eMM. My husband asked now and again to rekindle our sex life and the excuses I made make me cringe now, I wasn't having it even the thought revolted me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 It seems to me, from reading here that the only "happy" OW's are the ones in affairs themselves. Is this your impression? I assume the MOW has the "stability" of a homelife and the OM is more of a sexual/emotional augmentation? I was a happy OW, although I was a single OW. But I was not in the position of many other S OWs in that I was not at that time yearning for a FTR. My life was too full and I could only accommodate a PTR, fitting him in as and when I could. I think that is what makes the difference. If your other needs - for companionship, friendship, affirmation, intimacy etc - are being met elsewhere, and the A is simply augmenting an otherwise satisfying life, it is a stable situation for you. It is only when circumstances change that he A is no longer the ideal R format. I think many women are raised to derive their affirmation and identity from their Rs rather than from their careers or their creative lives or their sporting prowess, and so they look to their R to provide them with that which makes them feel good about themselves. So of their R is less than satisfying, even a great career or achievement in other fields does not offset the deficit; whereas if your primary source of affirmation lies elsewhere, what you want or need from an R matters less - and what you're prepared to invest in an R is less. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
fellini Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 I think many women are raised to derive their affirmation and identity from their Rs rather than from their careers or their creative lives or their sporting prowess, and so they look to their R to provide them with that which makes them feel good about themselves. So of their R is less than satisfying, even a great career or achievement in other fields does not offset the deficit; whereas if your primary source of affirmation lies elsewhere, what you want or need from an R matters less - and what you're prepared to invest in an R is less. WOW! My WS (who went for a single OM). Affirmation, identity. But what is interesting, to me, is that in both cases, affirmation and identity are derived from external validations (job or R). I have ZERO interest in affirmation and identity being received from others (I don't need my wife to tell me if I am handsome or not, I don't resent it, but I don't require it/ recognition of success in the work I do (I decide if I think I have done a great job or not), so I find it interesting this dichotomy you describe, which I know is not "all women". For some reason my daily compliments of affirmation to my WS simply were not enough, (you say something enough, it loses its meaning I suppose) she found a way to get it from a highly ranked co-worker that clearly a lot of other (married) woman held in high esteem, and his constant praising and complementing her within the workplace allowed her to get her affirmation and identity from both: by entering into a relationship with him and he got a chance to "be with those breasts" he so obviously was fixated on. Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 From reading here and in my own experiences its not so much if you are M or S but if you are honest with yourself with what you truly expect from the A- 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Nattie Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 My question for the MOW is, how do you go from having sex with your husbands to having sex with your a MOM? As a SOW it was hard for me to consider dating or having sex with another person while being emotionally tied to the XMM. He knew this as well... So if your emotionally tied in some ways to the MOM, and your H's how do you compartalize that? Some Men can do it with no problems at all but just based on stories from Woman in general, we connect emotional along with the sex. I struggle with this. I have sex with H once in a while to keep him content and unsuspecting, but it feels awful, like I'm selling myself. I usually go somewhere and cry afterwards. Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 I struggle with this. I have sex with H once in a while to keep him content and unsuspecting, but it feels awful, like I'm selling myself. I usually go somewhere and cry afterwards. Are you in counseling- between this statement and the one about a BS that lets herself go and should expect to be cheated on- it seems you are in a very unhealthy place- for your own good you should seek some help to see why your need for external motivation leads to such destructive behaviors- Best of luck to you- 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Nattie Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 No, I'm not in counseling. I've thought about it but it's very hard for me to open up to people, how do you select a perfect stranger and go pour your guts out? As far as the BS, I don't feel a shred of sympathy for her. Never have, probably never will. Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 We are way OT but this is important-counseling is a good option for you-the fact that it is a trained professional that will give you an honest assessment of your actions would be a great benefit- we all get older, we do not stay young forever and eventually all of our decisions come full circle-without a good foundation of who we are and what makes us tick, how you handle this situations can have lasting implications- your lack of empathy could lead to more and more dangerous decisions on your part-warning signs are every place-please take note of them- Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 I struggle with this. I have sex with H once in a while to keep him content and unsuspecting, but it feels awful, like I'm selling myself. I usually go somewhere and cry afterwards. That must be rough. Doesn't that make you wonder if it would just be easier to end things? With one or the other? Hasn't your H noticed a change in the intimacy? As far as your opinions on the BS leaving herself wide open to cheating...I don't like this statement, but sadly, I've become a bit of a man hater and suspect this is true for a lot of cheating men. Makes me never want to marry again. Link to post Share on other sites
notserene Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 No, I'm not in counseling. I've thought about it but it's very hard for me to open up to people, how do you select a perfect stranger and go pour your guts out? As far as the BS, I don't feel a shred of sympathy for her. Never have, probably never will. I have never met them, but I feel a deep sense of pity for your respective spouses and children. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 As far as your opinions on the BS leaving herself wide open to cheating...I don't like this statement, but sadly, I've become a bit of a man hater and suspect this is true for a lot of cheating men. Makes me never want to marry again. Yes, I agree- I think that cheating men have a sense of entitlement when it comes to what their wives should do/look like - makes you wonder if they ever take a good look at themselves in the mirror or if they only see themselves through the eyes of their AP- And yep, if reconciliation does not work out with my husband I would be hard pressed to ever marry again! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Nattie Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 Feeling sorry for my H, yes. I agree. He doesn't deserve this at all, but my kids? I am a wonderful mother and they lead very rich lives. I shield them from my mess 100% and my H is not the type to EVER let them become involved if he were to find out. They are our top priority and even though he would be crushed, he would coparent peacefully with me. It's just who he is. I know the BS thing sounds brutal but it's the truth. Anyone who thinks you can gain 40 lbs, dress like a slob, throw your hair up in a frizzy ponytail everyday and his spark for you will just fuel itself forever, no. It won't. I take a lot of pride in my appearance and I know that in the beginning he only wanted me because I was the pretty one. It's become a lot more than that now, a deep intense love that we can't seem to shake. Yes I know I'm selfish, and betraying people, I'm fully aware of that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 I know the BS thing sounds brutal but it's the truth. Anyone who thinks you can gain 40 lbs, dress like a slob, throw your hair up in a frizzy ponytail everyday and his spark for you will just fuel itself forever, no. It won't. I think there's more to being a wife than your appearance. It's not at all a valid reason for a man to have an A. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ailsa1983 Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 I think there's more to being a wife than your appearance. It's not at all a valid reason for a man to have an A. Men are visual creatures they love women and no man can say that they don't like a woman to look good. Just pop over to the marriage section of loveshack and you will see numerous posts by men who are not happy with the lack of effort on appearance from their wives. No I'm not suggesting a woman should look good for her husband 24/7 but I do believe we should make an effort now and again. I always look my best when I leave the house would never be seen in public looking scruffy (but that's maybe this day in age and the era I have been brought up in) Link to post Share on other sites
Cocochai Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 I think there's more to being a wife than your appearance. It's not at all a valid reason for a man to have an A. I thought in a M your suppose to be yourself.. Not everyday your going to look glamorous expect especially with kids. You become busy and tired.. Even as a Single Mother I am.. If your H/W Cheats because your not made up everyday then I suspect he wasn't monogamous to begin with. Some BS fail to reliaze some people DO NOT believe in monogamy especially some Men. It doesn't matter if your the best when it comes to looks or cooking, personality, mother etc. If they never wanted to be monogamous from the beginning it won't work to your favor. Link to post Share on other sites
notserene Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 (edited) Men are visual creatures they love women and no man can say that they don't like a woman to look good. Just pop over to the marriage section of loveshack and you will see numerous posts by men who are not happy with the lack of effort on appearance from their wives. No I'm not suggesting a woman should look good for her husband 24/7 but I do believe we should make an effort now and again. I always look my best when I leave the house would never be seen in public looking scruffy (but that's maybe this day in age and the era I have been brought up in) Men are absolutely visual creatures. But if they cheat, it's because of their own character problems or poor choices, not because young women are just *so* irresistible that they can't control themselves. But...I digress. Edited April 23, 2014 by notserene 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cocochai Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 Actually, I take some of what I wrote back.. There are some BS who let themselves go perhaps because.. They got their man/woman and feel they don't have to put in the efforts anymore.. And that's not only with looks it could be other things. Instead of cheating just "talk about it"?? Perhaps? Link to post Share on other sites
Ailsa1983 Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 Men are absolutely visual creatures. But if they cheat, it's because of their own character problems or poor choices, not because young women are just *so* irresistible that they can't control themselves. But...I digress. No it's not a cause for cheating but when u look at statistics it's a extremely common occurrence. Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 Men are visual creatures they love women and no man can say that they don't like a woman to look good. Just pop over to the marriage section of loveshack and you will see numerous posts by men who are not happy with the lack of effort on appearance from their wives. No I'm not suggesting a woman should look good for her husband 24/7 but I do believe we should make an effort now and again. It was in reference to the OP not feeling bad for the BS. I don't disagree with what you're saying, but it's not a reason for a man to stray. Link to post Share on other sites
notserene Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 No it's not a cause for cheating but when u look at statistics it's a extremely common occurrence. Thanks, I'm aware of this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author QuakerOats Posted April 23, 2014 Author Share Posted April 23, 2014 Feeling sorry for my H, yes. I agree. He doesn't deserve this at all, but my kids? I am a wonderful mother and they lead very rich lives. I shield them from my mess 100% and my H is not the type to EVER let them become involved if he were to find out. They are our top priority and even though he would be crushed, he would coparent peacefully with me. It's just who he is. I know the BS thing sounds brutal but it's the truth. Anyone who thinks you can gain 40 lbs, dress like a slob, throw your hair up in a frizzy ponytail everyday and his spark for you will just fuel itself forever, no. It won't. I take a lot of pride in my appearance and I know that in the beginning he only wanted me because I was the pretty one. It's become a lot more than that now, a deep intense love that we can't seem to shake. Yes I know I'm selfish, and betraying people, I'm fully aware of that. As a mother, would you tell your daughters that they need to "keep up their outward appearances" or risk losing their H's to more attractive women? As a mother would you tell your sons that it is their priority to go outside of the marriage if their wives gain weight, don't dress with fashion, or have frizzy ponytails? I feel like you are of another generation. Seriously... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author QuakerOats Posted April 23, 2014 Author Share Posted April 23, 2014 Men are visual creatures they love women and no man can say that they don't like a woman to look good. Just pop over to the marriage section of loveshack and you will see numerous posts by men who are not happy with the lack of effort on appearance from their wives. No I'm not suggesting a woman should look good for her husband 24/7 but I do believe we should make an effort now and again. I always look my best when I leave the house would never be seen in public looking scruffy (but that's maybe this day in age and the era I have been brought up in) The era in which you were raised?? Aren't you like 28? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ailsa1983 Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 Men are absolutely visual creatures. But if they cheat, it's because of their own character problems or poor choices, not because young women are just *so* irresistible that they can't control themselves. But...I digress. Thanks, I'm aware of this. Notserene, I don't know your back story so if I have over stepped the mark I apologise it was not my intention. Link to post Share on other sites
Ailsa1983 Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 The era in which you were raised?? Aren't you like 28? 90's and 00's was my generation, I'm also a make-up artist so I may be biased. Link to post Share on other sites
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