justme420 Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 Here's the breakdown- Me and my boyfriend have been together for about a year and a half. We live together. We have a great relationship, we love each other, we have great sex, we don't fight a lot, overall I'm really happy, and he is too. He's the kind of guy who's been cheated on, lied to, and generally f*cked over by his previous girlfriends. And one of his ex'es recently messaged him on facebook saying she misses him. He was straight up with me about that part. Telling me she had contacted him and that she wanted him back. He said he didn't respond and didn't know what to say. I told him in my experience it's best to not say anything, as I had the same thing happen and ended up getting in a nasty fight with my ex. He said he didn't think that would happen but we kind of ended up leaving it at it's not good to talk to ex'es, as you've obviously parted ways for good reasons. Then a few days later I'm come to my bedroom after a shower and he's on my computer because he doesn't have his own, and I see that he's on facebook, I think nothing of it, because he has lots of family on there and stuff. But when he realizes I can see what he's doing he immediately logs off and closes it and starts watching tv. I let that go. But then it keeps happening. I come into my room, he's on FB and as soon as I come in he logs out and does something else like he doesn't want me to bring it up. I have to clear my browser history to make netflix run on my computer, I know it sounds like bull**** but it's true. So I went to clear my history and I see that while he was on FB he was only on like 4 pages. His inbox with one new message, from his ex I can assume. I scroll through the history and see this is a regular occurence. He's logging in to talk to her, and logging out as soon as I walk in the room. The next part I'm not proud of, but I couldn't help it. I waited until he was at work and tried to log into his FB. He changed his password. To one that I don't know, and can't guess, I tried. I don't know how to talk to him about this because every time I try to talk to him about something that he's done, he gets mad and defensive and I end up feeling like a bitch. So I never say anything and it festers and I get so upset. I thought maybe he would stop talking to her but it's been like 2 weeks and I can't take it. I even google searched how to hack your boyfriends FB which is pathetic and far below anything I would ever do. But I'm afraid to confront him. I really don't know what to do or feel, and I don't have anyone in my life that I can ask about it. Can someone please give me some perspective? Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 My thought is that if he's changed his password and you'd previously known it - then he's obviously up to something. Trust your gut. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppyolive Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 Sorry you are hurting and going through this. It was great that he told she she messaged him and didn't know what to do, the rest from there he has shut you off. Let's be real here, you don't need to hack his facebook, you already know he's talking to her and logging off immediately when you enter the room.. What more do you need to know? Something not OK that wants to hide from you is happening. The fact he gets defensive these are all red flags... Stop looking for something more....it's happening. Don't be afraid to confront him, take this situation into your own hands, take this relationship into your own hands. Can you be with someone that is hiding something from you? Can you be with someone who's cheating? You know what you need to do... Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 Here's the breakdown- Me and my boyfriend have been together for about a year and a half. We live together. We have a great relationship, we love each other, we have great sex, we don't fight a lot, overall I'm really happy, and he is too. He's the kind of guy who's been cheated on, lied to, and generally f*cked over by his previous girlfriends. And one of his ex'es recently messaged him on facebook saying she misses him. He was straight up with me about that part. Telling me she had contacted him and that she wanted him back. He said he didn't respond and didn't know what to say. I told him in my experience it's best to not say anything, as I had the same thing happen and ended up getting in a nasty fight with my ex. He said he didn't think that would happen but we kind of ended up leaving it at it's not good to talk to ex'es, as you've obviously parted ways for good reasons. Then a few days later I'm come to my bedroom after a shower and he's on my computer because he doesn't have his own, and I see that he's on facebook, I think nothing of it, because he has lots of family on there and stuff. But when he realizes I can see what he's doing he immediately logs off and closes it and starts watching tv. I let that go. But then it keeps happening. I come into my room, he's on FB and as soon as I come in he logs out and does something else like he doesn't want me to bring it up. I have to clear my browser history to make netflix run on my computer, I know it sounds like bull**** but it's true. So I went to clear my history and I see that while he was on FB he was only on like 4 pages. His inbox with one new message, from his ex I can assume. I scroll through the history and see this is a regular occurence. He's logging in to talk to her, and logging out as soon as I walk in the room. The next part I'm not proud of, but I couldn't help it. I waited until he was at work and tried to log into his FB. He changed his password. To one that I don't know, and can't guess, I tried. I don't know how to talk to him about this because every time I try to talk to him about something that he's done, he gets mad and defensive and I end up feeling like a bitch. So I never say anything and it festers and I get so upset. I thought maybe he would stop talking to her but it's been like 2 weeks and I can't take it. I even google searched how to hack your boyfriends FB which is pathetic and far below anything I would ever do. But I'm afraid to confront him. I really don't know what to do or feel, and I don't have anyone in my life that I can ask about it. Can someone please give me some perspective? What else has he done? It sounds like this isn't a "first offense" sort of situation. There's a lack of trust, which could indeed be warranted. It's clear that he doesn't want you to see what he's up to on FB now. Have you had his password in the past? If so, why? I would casually ask him if his ex has sent him any other messages. See how he responds to that. If he admits they're in touch, it might simply have been a matter of him wanting to avoid conflict with you by neglecting to mention it. If he says they aren't, you know you've got a bigger problem. You'll need to decide whether or not to reveal that you know it's not true. Link to post Share on other sites
Author justme420 Posted April 22, 2014 Author Share Posted April 22, 2014 Sorry you are hurting and going through this. It was great that he told she she messaged him and didn't know what to do, the rest from there he has shut you off. Let's be real here, you don't need to hack his facebook, you already know he's talking to her and logging off immediately when you enter the room.. What more do you need to know? Something not OK that wants to hide from you is happening. The fact he gets defensive these are all red flags... Stop looking for something more....it's happening. Don't be afraid to confront him, take this situation into your own hands, take this relationship into your own hands. Can you be with someone that is hiding something from you? Can you be with someone who's cheating? You know what you need to do... thank you, I do know, it's one of those times I just had to have someone else tell me I was right. that I'm not crazy stalker girlfriend reading too much into nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author justme420 Posted April 22, 2014 Author Share Posted April 22, 2014 What else has he done? It sounds like this isn't a "first offense" sort of situation. There's a lack of trust, which could indeed be warranted. It's clear that he doesn't want you to see what he's up to on FB now. Have you had his password in the past? If so, why? I would casually ask him if his ex has sent him any other messages. See how he responds to that. If he admits they're in touch, it might simply have been a matter of him wanting to avoid conflict with you by neglecting to mention it. If he says they aren't, you know you've got a bigger problem. You'll need to decide whether or not to reveal that you know it's not true. Well, he's not perfect, but neither am I. I think this is really the biggest problem we've ever had. I never really had the feeling he was lying to me about anything before. Maybe being unthoughtful, or inconsiderate, but never outright hiding something like this. I have his password because we share a netflix account, and he's pretty simple guy, all his passwords are the same. I used his Fb before to send myself stuff in a game like extra lives and stuff. I just went to FB and typed in the one for netflix and it worked and I told him later and he smiled and was like baby you know I don't care I don't have anything to hide from you. But that was a long time ago, and now he's changed it. And I really like you're idea on how to talk to him about it, because in my mind I just explode like WHAT THE **** because I've been worrying about this for weeks now and it's building up. Or I bring it up nicely and he freaks out and shuts me down. I think you're very smart, reverse psych tactics. Approach the issue from a different non accusatory angle, and catch the liar in the act, or hopefully, get the truth and not go through the hell I'm envisioning for myself. Thank you so much, this is exactly what I needed, perspective, understanding, and great insight. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 I definitely agree on at least one thing - your boyfriend is a simple guy indeed..using your computer to secretly communicate with an ex? He ain't the brightest bulb on the string, is he? In my experience, it is always better not to explode and accuse, however badly you may want to. This will immediately make him defensive and he'll likely just deny and turn it on you. (I mean, he will accuse you of not trusting him, etc.) Asking him in a non-accusatory way would hopefully keep the lines of communication a little more open. On the other hand, you could always wait a bit and try to gather more evidence. Then, when you have sufficient proof he's up to something, you could present him with it and end the relationship. (Because, really, would you want to stay with someone who is getting cozy with an ex?) The fact that you know he is communicating with her behind your back would be enough for me. He is keeping it a secret for a reason. If he had simply told her to lay off, that would be ok. But I don't believe that's the case here. I would not be comfortable with that; the trust is already gone, in my opinion. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppyolive Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 I completely agree with the other posters. Remain calm, composed and more importantly prepared. I would say something has been on my mind, gutt feeling, have you heard back from your ex? Let him lead a little from there. He already knows it's wrong that's why he's hiding it. And gage from there how you want to proceed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author justme420 Posted April 22, 2014 Author Share Posted April 22, 2014 I cannot express how grateful I am for the amazing help you guys have given me. I really don't have anyone in my life I can honestly talk to about this. If I talk to my only friend I'm worried she'll end up not liking him and if nothing comes of it it'll be awkward to hang out and stuff. So a thousand thank yous, and if I can ever help anyone talk something through, or give some perspective please feel free to contact me. Link to post Share on other sites
user1234 Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 It could be that he's just talking to her without second intentions but doesn't tell you because he knows it will upset you. Don't assume the worst, it'll make you go nuts. Now, you can: a) Talk to him about it (the mature approach, but if he lies you can't do much about it) b) Snoop some more (I'll suggest you here to install a keylogger on your computer) If you choose b) be careful, a lot of time it back fires (he could accuse you of not respecting his privacy and make it all about that). Link to post Share on other sites
Cpt Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 This whole thread is falsely biased because all the advice and questions are written under the ASSUMPTION that OP's bf is messaging his ex. OP I don't doubt that your bf' recent actions are questionable, but being hurt over something based on an assumption is not good for your relationship, especially if its something concerning trust. I am not defending the bf' questionable actions here, but this whole situation begs facts before judgement. How do you know he is not planning a surprise for you? How do you know he is not talking about something private with a family member or close friend? If you saw that he was indeed talking to his ex, then fair enough. Assume means you make an *** out of U and ME Link to post Share on other sites
henson Posted April 24, 2014 Share Posted April 24, 2014 Here's the breakdown- Me and my boyfriend have been together for about a year and a half. We live together. We have a great relationship, we love each other, we have great sex, we don't fight a lot, overall I'm really happy, and he is too. He's the kind of guy who's been cheated on, lied to, and generally f*cked over by his previous girlfriends. And one of his ex'es recently messaged him on facebook saying she misses him. He was straight up with me about that part. Telling me she had contacted him and that she wanted him back. He said he didn't respond and didn't know what to say. I told him in my experience it's best to not say anything, as I had the same thing happen and ended up getting in a nasty fight with my ex. He said he didn't think that would happen but we kind of ended up leaving it at it's not good to talk to ex'es, as you've obviously parted ways for good reasons. Then a few days later I'm come to my bedroom after a shower and he's on my computer because he doesn't have his own, and I see that he's on facebook, I think nothing of it, because he has lots of family on there and stuff. But when he realizes I can see what he's doing he immediately logs off and closes it and starts watching tv. I let that go. But then it keeps happening. I come into my room, he's on FB and as soon as I come in he logs out and does something else like he doesn't want me to bring it up. I have to clear my browser history to make netflix run on my computer, I know it sounds like bull**** but it's true. So I went to clear my history and I see that while he was on FB he was only on like 4 pages. His inbox with one new message, from his ex I can assume. I scroll through the history and see this is a regular occurence. He's logging in to talk to her, and logging out as soon as I walk in the room. The next part I'm not proud of, but I couldn't help it. I waited until he was at work and tried to log into his FB. He changed his password. To one that I don't know, and can't guess, I tried. I don't know how to talk to him about this because every time I try to talk to him about something that he's done, he gets mad and defensive and I end up feeling like a bitch. So I never say anything and it festers and I get so upset. I thought maybe he would stop talking to her but it's been like 2 weeks and I can't take it. I even google searched how to hack your boyfriends FB which is pathetic and far below anything I would ever do. But I'm afraid to confront him. I really don't know what to do or feel, and I don't have anyone in my life that I can ask about it. Can someone please give me some perspective? Calm down and don't guess too much, maybe there is nothing between them, if you really want to clear the atmosphere, you can install iKeyMonitor on his iPhone and quietly monitor him. Link to post Share on other sites
frusciante Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 I would just stay calm, if it happens again just ask him how come he logs out so quick and judge his reaction, it'll give you a better idea of what's happening. If it IS a surprise party etc. then he'll probably be really smiley about it and almost teasing. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted April 26, 2014 Share Posted April 26, 2014 Did you talk to him about it yet? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts