Issues with the neighbor

[canine]

Quick background: I'm late 40's , no kids. My g/f is mid 30's,two children. We've been together 5 years and lived together for 3. Last year financial troubles caused me to shut down and not communicate which was a huge problem for the g/f. She later told me she thought of us as room mates. Last summer a guy and his two young kids moved in across the street. He got to know us and a few other neighbors as we barbequed and hung out.

 

Soon the g/f started spending quite a bit of time at his house. She fell in love with his kids and they love her. But I got uncomfortable with it and started getting suspicious that something was going on. I began to shut down more and by October almost moved out. The g/f and I finally talked though and worked it out. She says this guy is nothing more than a friend that she can talk to and vent about stresses in her life. I have no problem with this,I have no problem with her having a male friend. I did tell her though that I don't like him and don't trust him. But we moved on.

 

Then in February things were "off" again. I snuck into the g/f phone to look at texts between her and the neighbor. He texted her one day while I was at work wanting her to come over and have sex and sent a rather personal photo of himself. The g/f responded she would come over to talk only,no sex. I blew up. The g/f claimed he was drunk when he texted her and that nothing has ever happened between them.

 

I said I didn't care,he crossed the line and disrespected me. She pretty much ended contact between them but said she missed his boys. Now they're back to texting again. In fact they texted for half an hour at 1:00 am the other night. She told me he xted her because he was drunk but didn't say what the texts were about. Now days she doesn't let her phone out of her sight. I really love this woman and my "step daughters" and don't want to lose our family but I feel like a chump. I want this guy gone.

 

The g/f says she loves me and our family but how can she be friends with a guy who pulls this stuff. Am I unreasonable or being paranoid or should I grow a pair and stand up for myself and leave?

Edited April 22, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and move to CFJ

[mammasita]

You're not being unreasonable at all. She's crossing M A J O R boundaries by being this guys friend. I can understand being a friendly neighbor, but come on - he's clearly interested in her and she's lapping it up like a thirsty puppy. She's using his kids as an excuse, his kids are not her kids - she can miss them all she wants.

 

Graphic picture? Sex invitations? 1AM texts?

 

Oh H3LL no. If I were you, she either stops cold turkey - no ifs/ands/buts or you need to walk.

[Darren Steez]

So your next door neighbor is asking your woman to come over and have sex and you did what about it?

 

Did you go over and talk to him? I mean he's next door telling your woman to come over and bang his brains out..what did you do?

 

What do you do when you run into him? Say hi?

 

Curious..

[drifter777]

Why are you angry with the neighbor? Its your girlfriend that is to blame for all of this. She's the one cheating on you. The chances that they haven't had sex are near zero. His booty-call text really tells the whole story. And she's in love with his kids?

 

If you think you can live with her carrying on with this guy (maybe others) for the sake of your kids then do nothing. If not then you have to give her an ultimatum - no more contact with this guy. NONE! The "or else" is that you will toss her out or leave yourself. In order for this to have a chance of working you will first have to slap yourself in the face and realize she's screwing this guy. You know yourself that you don't send x-rated pictures to your neighbor and tell her to come over for sex if it's something you haven't done many, many times before. Deal with it or live with it.

[preraph]

She's either being stupid and naive or thinks you're stupid if she keeps making excuses for this guy texting her when he's drunk. Listen, yes, some people like kids a lot, but I don't know anyone who has just for no reason started an in-depth relationship with someone else's kids unless they were close to the parent. Of course, he's going to take this that she is interested, because no sane woman would go try to be "friends" with someone else's kids and no sane parent would LET them!!!! Tell her it needs to end immediately, kids and all, and try to see what it looked like from his side and tell him she overstepped some boundaries and sorry for the misunderstanding.

[Chi townD]

Something happened between the two of them if he felt comfortable enough to text that to her even in a drunken state. It may or may not have been intercourse, but something happened.

 

 

I think you need to start looking into the true nature if their relationship. The hard part is going to happen with you. You need to act like all is right in the universe. You don't have a care in the world and that you truly believe that she is being faithful to you. Each time you bring up the neighbor without proof of any inappropriate behavior, then all you're doing is teaching her to hide it better. To be on her guard.

 

 

The more she thinks you're clueless, the more relaxed she becomes and THAT'S when she's going to make a mistake.

 

 

Plant voice activated recorder's in your home in a room where she normally does most of her talking on the phone. You might catch who's she's talking to and what she's saying when your not around. You can also plant one in her car by using heavy duty Velcro to secure it under the drivers seat. See who's she's talking to while driving. Some burner phones have a GPS option on them. You could turn one on and plant it in the wheel well of the spare tire and track her that way. If she says that she's running to the store, but the GPS shows she's in a park somewhere.....well, that's not the store is it. But, don't approach with that as a smoking gun, because it's not. It can easily be explained away and she'll wonder how you know. You can say that a friend of yours called you and said they saw her.

 

 

Because your not married, that's about all you can do. Even putting a VAR is pushing the legal boundaries so if you do find something out, never reveal your sources.

 

 

If she's cheating then her cheating is scheduled around what is predictable movement from you. What I mean is, she'll know that you get home from work between 4:30 and 5:00 everyday like clockwork and without fail, then she knows what time she needs to be back at your place. If you belong to a club or softball league or have a poker night one time a week with friends, she'll schedule around that to be with the neighbor. So, disrupt it. Show up at home early. If you have a poker night, skip it without notification. If she asks why your home early, just say work was slow and you didn't need to be there. If she asks why you didn't go to poker night, just say you're saving up for something and you would rather keep your money. If you become unpredictable, then she'll have a hard time scheduling anything with the neighbor.

 

 

Make plans with her on the weekends that will take the two of you out of the house on the weekend. Especially weekends that the neighbor doesn't have his kids.

 

 

Time to find out what's going on. But, remember to act like all is well in the universe.

[ThatMan]

Why are you angry with the neighbor? Its your girlfriend that is to blame for all of this. She's the one cheating on you.

I think he's entitled to feel however he does, including possibly being angry at everyone who screwed him over.

[Cpt]

I am dissapointed in you OP that you have been allowing this salute of a woman walk all over you like that and trickle truth.

 

This is at least an EA, talking about the "stresses of life" with a member of the opposite sex who is not family is essentially emotionally cheating.

 

As a poster above has mentioned, something has definitely happened for him to feel comfortable enough to invite her for a booty call.

 

[canine]

I guess I never thought of it as an emotional affair but it is. And I'm not angry at just the other guy. I'm angry at him,I'm angry at my g/f,and I'm angry at myself. I love this woman more than anything and thinking about leaving her kills me but I'm not sure this will ever end. I told her a month ago I have thought that one day he would have to go or I will. Well,he owns his house and I rent and my g/f would stay in the house (because of her children and school). So looks like I may be the one going. I know she'll say I either trust her or I don't but you know what? She either respects me and our relationship or she doesn't. I'll see what her answer is to that then decide.

[Spectre]

Why are you angry with the neighbor? Its your girlfriend that is to blame for all of this.

 

Excuse me? On what planet is this true? Did the girlfriend use her magic powers to force this guy to act this way? He asked a woman he knew was in a relationship to come over and have sex with him. There is no situation where he SHOULDN'T be angry at this guy for that.

 

I guess I never thought of it as an emotional affair but it is. And I'm not angry at just the other guy. I'm angry at him,I'm angry at my g/f,and I'm angry at myself. I love this woman more than anything and thinking about leaving her kills me but I'm not sure this will ever end. I told her a month ago I have thought that one day he would have to go or I will. Well,he owns his house and I rent and my g/f would stay in the house (because of her children and school). So looks like I may be the one going. I know she'll say I either trust her or I don't but you know what? She either respects me and our relationship or she doesn't. I'll see what her answer is to that then decide.

 

Okay man yeah you need to stick to what you are saying here. This man simply has to go, period. The end, he has to be out of her life forever. It doesn't matter if she likes his kids, she has kids of her own she doesn't need anyone elses in her life, so she just needs to flat out deal with that. If she doesn't like it she can leave.

 

I can't say whether or not she has cheated on you, but what I can say is the EXACT MOMENT this guy asked her to come have sex with him, even though he knew you were in the picture, the fact that she did not immediately end her friendship with him speaks VOLUMES about her. If she was truly in love with you there is no way she would want to continue to be friends with that scum of a man who tries to get a woman he knows has a spouse to sleep with them, and he knows the woman has children too.

 

So the fact she didn't end the relationship with him then and there is a red flag. If she hasn't cheated, then you have to tell her he is out of her life. Not only that, but she isn't allowed to guard her cell phone from you anymore. You should be allowed to check it whenever you want. Some might not think that fair, but she brought that upon herself with this behavior. If she truly didn't cheat then she definitely has to make some sacrifices in order to fix this mess she caused, and one of those is going to have to be privacy of her phone.

 

If she can't do something as simple as that? You need to kick her to the curb. DO NOT under any circumstances let her pull that "you just have to trust me" crap. No, trust has to be earned, it isn't automatic and her behavior has shown she is untrustworthy. So yes, she HAS to do something to show you she is. That "something" is getting rid of this guy. It sucks she is close to the guys kids, but oh well. She will get over it. She has kids of her own, and the kids will definitely get over it.

 

Do not budge on any of these things. If you truly feel she has not cheated on you, then tell her this guy has to go and she is not to hide her cellphone from you, because at the present moment her behavior has made you question her. If she doesn't like that then she can look in the mirror and see who is to blame for this. Don't give her anymore time, tell her she has to make a choice by the end of the day tomorrow. If she throws a fit or gives you any resistance then she either: A-doesn't really love you that much or B-has indeed cheated on you.

 

Also remember: the fact she has been guarding her phone closely is not a good sign. That has to be given up, that privacy there has to go, that is one thing that should be non-negotiable. In fact, you should maybe even ask her straight up to just hand you the phone. Don't allow her time to delete anything. Tell her if she is truly doing nothing wrong she will be able to hand you the phone right now and let you check the messages. If she refuses or tries to delay in any way, she is hiding something.

 

Let us know what happens, I am truly hoping for you that she has not cheated and this has just been a really dumb decision on her part that she needs to remedy immediately. I truly hope that is all this was and that she didn't cross that line.

Edited April 24, 2014 by Spectre

[Man Mountain Makino]

The g/f says she loves me and our family but how can she be friends with a guy who pulls this stuff. Am I unreasonable or being paranoid or should I grow a pair and stand up for myself and leave?

Grow a pair, stand up for yourself, and have a serious discussion with her. If she'd rather be with her new friend, there's the door.

[2sunny]

It looks like your GF has TWO boyfriends.

 

It's time you let her have only him.

[drifter777]

Excuse me? On what planet is this true? Did the girlfriend use her magic powers to force this guy to act this way? He asked a woman he knew was in a relationship to come over and have sex with him. There is no situation where he SHOULDN'T be angry at this guy for that.

Well, on my planet. I've never understood why a man wastes so much emotional energy being mad at the guy their wife decided to screw. Other than the initial anger after d-day, it's really just a way to avoid facing the truth about their wife. SHE encouraged him. SHE accepted his advances. SHE dropped her panties. The responsibility for cheating is all on HER.

[No Limit]

She's cheated and lies constantly and right into your face and you believe(d) it.

Nope, this relationship is over.

[tom670]

Calmly sit her down tonight no emotion and say "If you want our relationship you have no contact with the neighbor if you don't pack your things and move in with him"

Ask her if there was a female neighbor that sent you racy texts how she would like it.

[canine]

To Tom670, it's funny you mentioned the "What if...". The woman directly across the street is closer to my age,single and attractive. And when I found the text from the guy across the street, I asked the g/f "What if you found a text like that from So and so?" She said she probably would have thrown me out. The g/f knew I was hurt,apologized numerous times, and stopped contact with the guy. We moved on with our life. It's just recently they started texting again. This morning I got a quick peek at her phone. She hasn't deleted any texts (that I can tell) and all the texts were things about work and how was his/her day,how are the boys? All innocent. But stil... and tell her to pack and move in with him? Nope, I'll be the one moving out. Her girls go to school nearby and it's easier for me to move. But,she'll take on all the bills so there's no way she can afford to live here on her own. She wants to move in with him? Good. Then she'll see what he really is...a player.But I'm a bit stuck too...little money at the moment and no money for rents and deposits and moving costs but I'll figure it out.

[tom670]

To Tom670, it's funny you mentioned the "What if...". The woman directly across the street is closer to my age,single and attractive. And when I found the text from the guy across the street, I asked the g/f "What if you found a text like that from So and so?" She said she probably would have thrown me out. The g/f knew I was hurt,apologized numerous times, and stopped contact with the guy. We moved on with our life. It's just recently they started texting again. This morning I got a quick peek at her phone. She hasn't deleted any texts (that I can tell) and all the texts were things about work and how was his/her day,how are the boys? All innocent. But stil... and tell her to pack and move in with him? Nope, I'll be the one moving out. Her girls go to school nearby and it's easier for me to move. But,she'll take on all the bills so there's no way she can afford to live here on her own. She wants to move in with him? Good. Then she'll see what he really is...a player.But I'm a bit stuck too...little money at the moment and no money for rents and deposits and moving costs but I'll figure it out.

 

Don't beg and try to "nice" her out of this.

Show her you are strong and if needed ready to move on.

Calmly tell her this is not acceptable.

Again remind her if this was the other way around.

You can do this and she will at least sub consciously respect you for doing so.

You can do this.

[ffsear]

If i were you i'd go over to the neighbors.

 

Don't be aggressive. Don't try to be smart or funny. Simply look him in the eye and tell him to stay away from your GF. Makes sure he knows that you know everything and that this is his first and only warning.

 

Then walk away !

[Thicke2013]

"She hasn't deleted any texts (that I can tell) and all the texts were things about work and how was his/her day,how are the boys? All innocent."

 

Given the history here, there is no such thing as an innocent text. He is just trying to get her to let her guard down again. For me she would have to go NC with this guy forever. He has obviously shown no respect for you or her and your relationship. The fact that your GF still wants to have even a friendship with this guy is a huge red flag for me. I wouldn't have it.

 

"Last summer a guy and his two young kids moved in across the street."

 

They haven't even lived there a year! How close could these two have gotten and how close could she really have gotten to his kids? She is using the kids as an excuse to keep this guy around. Another red flag. IMO, they never ceased their relationship and she is more than likely sleeping with him. She thinks things have settled down and that is why she didn't delete the texts that you seen. Good luck OP. I think you are only in for more hurt if you keep her around.

[Space Ritual]

To Tom670, it's funny you mentioned the "What if...". The woman directly across the street is closer to my age,single and attractive. And when I found the text from the guy across the street, I asked the g/f "What if you found a text like that from So and so?" She said she probably would have thrown me out. The g/f knew I was hurt,apologized numerous times, and stopped contact with the guy. We moved on with our life. It's just recently they started texting again. This morning I got a quick peek at her phone. She hasn't deleted any texts (that I can tell) and all the texts were things about work and how was his/her day,how are the boys? All innocent. But stil... and tell her to pack and move in with him? Nope, I'll be the one moving out. Her girls go to school nearby and it's easier for me to move. But,she'll take on all the bills so there's no way she can afford to live here on her own. She wants to move in with him? Good. Then she'll see what he really is...a player.But I'm a bit stuck too...little money at the moment and no money for rents and deposits and moving costs but I'll figure it out.

 

 

The sooner the better too, Canine! Make getting out of there your first priority, as there is no use in arguing with her or even asking anything else. Sorry this happened to you but thank your lucky stars you found out exactly who she was before it was too late.

[Friskyone4u]

This is entirely on your girlfriend. Drunk or not a guy does not flat out tell someone to come over and have sex with him out of the clear blue. If you believe that they are just friends there is no advice that can help you.

You can either dig for the truth but going into detective mode on her cell and e mail or texts, or you can wonder every time you leave the house what she is up to.

Your gf could end this in a second if she wanted to. Any faithful woman would be pissed off as hell getting a text from so other man asking her to come over and bang him. That is not just flirtatious , it indicates it has happened before.

You have got to tell her either this friendship ends or she can have him full time. I know that hurts but I see no alternative for you.

[Joangel]

Sounds like she wants her cake and eat it too... If she did anything or not she has been disrespectful to you for some time. If the tables were turned I wonder how she would feel. Perhaps she likes the attention of two men, who knows. Either way, start asking yourself the hard questions. Is she really worth all the aggravation?

[tom670]

This is entirely on your girlfriend. Drunk or not a guy does not flat out tell someone to come over and have sex with him out of the clear blue. If you believe that they are just friends there is no advice that can help you.

You can either dig for the truth but going into detective mode on her cell and e mail or texts, or you can wonder every time you leave the house what she is up to.

Your gf could end this in a second if she wanted to. Any faithful woman would be pissed off as hell getting a text from so other man asking her to come over and bang him. That is not just flirtatious , it indicates it has happened before.

You have got to tell her either this friendship ends or she can have him full time. I know that hurts but I see no alternative for you.

 

This really has to end with her going no contact or you leaving.

You may want to get an STD test also just to be safe.

[drifter777]

It takes two to tango though. If he was knowingly getting with a married woman the guy is just as sleazy.

This is ignoring biology. Lots of men pursue women for sex all the time. The only thing that makes them move on is if she says NO! Any willing female is going to get laid - and a wedding ring ain't going to stop most men. Maybe this guy is a douche, but it was OPs wife that let him in.

 

We don't have to agree on this - it's just the way I see things.