The most complicated girl i've even encountered.. how do i deal with this old friend?

[younged78]

I've known this girl since high school, been about 8-9 years now. We've always been "friends", but not like your average friend, we've been very close to each other, and we've spent hours on the phone. In touch with each other several times during the day, knowing what the other is doing each and every moment of the day. She's a very lovable character, and I can't get enough of her.

 

We have 'breaks' though - there will be a period ranging from a few days, to a few weeks, when she will suddenly disappear. From talking to each other non-stop and for hours, to not hearing from her at all, apart from the occassional sms just to say hi. There is no reason for this distance, and when confronted about it, she explains herself to me - about how she got caught up with work/fell sick/had something to attend to, and just gets very defensive. She has a way with words, and makes me feel guilty for even bringing up the problem - although in my heart I know that what she does is not right.

 

She tells me that i'm a very special friend to her, one of the most important people in her life. She gets emotional when I tell her how I don't feel like she behaves with me that way, and has even cried over it. We live just across from each other, and yet sometimes its 2-3 months before we meet, and sometimes we meet everyday for a period of time. She is also a very friendly person, makes new friends quickly (nearly all guys), and spends a lot of time with them - which makes me wonder at times if she doesnt say this 'u are a special friend' to all her friends.

 

She keeps me hanging at times, when I make a plan with her to meet, she will never give a definitive answer, and says i will let you know if i can or not soon. 99% of the time ending up in not meeting. But then she will call randomly, and say "I am free to meet now, can u?". I refuse to meet on those occassions (make an excuse of being busy) cos it is not fair to be THAT convenient to her. As soon as she senses that I am distancing myself from her, or not so bothered with her (i TRY to do that), she tells me how she has been trying so hard to meet me, but I am not able to meet her, and that she misses me etc. She just reels me back in.

 

This is all a very cyclical process, and i feel drained and exhaused each time. I've given up talking to her about this, as it doesnt lead anywhere, and i feel worse in the end. I like her a lot (more than a friend obv) and have told her about this, and she knows this, but we've just remained friends.

 

She's an extremely complicated individual, and basically ive been going through hell cos of it. She means well, but i decided recently that enuff is enuff. I still maintain a very limited friendship, chat to her occassionally on the net for a few mins. She asks me whats wrong, and i say I'm doing great, there's abs. nothing wrong. and am all happy and normal and LEAST affected. I recently deleted off my comp all her emails she's sent me, all her photographs and all our chat histories. (out of recycle bin too)

 

My problem is how do i get over her completely, without cutting her off. Cos i cant cut her off completely, and i cant confront her about what im really feeling. Should i not meet her when she makes advance plans to meet me? She's asked a cpl of times recently to meet on the spur of the moment and ive declined aying im busy. But eventually she will ask to make a plan to meet - and i cant keep getting out of it. How do i handle the situation - cos one part of me PINES for her like mad, but i dont show it. But i know that she is not the girl for me, and i wont be happy with her. What do i do about this situation, and how do i remain strong and indifferent to her, while still being a friend. A friend who has no problems when she disappears, and has minimalistic expecations. I dont want to allow her to become 'close' to me, by spending lots of time chatting/calling me.. cos its not fair when she disappears..

 

its been quite a long message, but this is it in a nutshell - lot of history with this girl - but we've never dated, nor has she ever directly shown any interest in me... advice ppl?

[Nine]

Hi Younged78,

 

I used to be alot like your friend so I feel for you and for her. If she is in a similar place that I was, she would have alot of fear of getting too close to people. It probably has nothing to do with you.

 

i cant cut her off completely, and i cant confront her about what im really feeling.

 

Why not? With either of these actions, you and her may just learn something from the situation. What's wrong with that?

 

Take care of yourself and give yourself the space to be you. Don't worry too much about how she is going to react, that is her business. Give yourself what you need to get over her. You deserve it.

 

Nine

[younged78]

Hi Nine,

 

Thanks for your comment. I can't cut her off completely cos she means too much and I can't get myself to do it. Even when there was a period when we didnt communicate for a few years, I still thought about her all the time.

 

As to why I can't confront her, its cos I've done it so many times before, that it doesn't make sense to do it over again. Especially since, after confronting her in the past, she ends up making me feel guilty for what i'm saying.

 

I get the feeling at times she actually likes it when she makes plans with her other friends and can meet them, and then leaves it as destiny that we couldnt meet. I feel she almost enjoys when im upset - so i've stopped reacting and play indifferent when she cant.

 

I SOO need to get over this girl, but I cant seem to do it - it just tares me apart on the inside, cos I have never felt this deep for anyone in my life ever. And even though i know the pain i have endured becoz of her, and the suffering, and knowing that she is NOT the person for me, yet I still want her. Its just ridiculous. And I suppose what i need to be is just FIRM on the inside, and having decided she is someone i cant be happy with, just let her go.... its so so soooo hard to do though. ive tried countless times... but i really am determined this time, so i just need to do it..

 

i dont think getting close to people is a fear for her. she actually gets very close to people very quickly. she gets too close, too quickly. and when the friend gets used to her, and almost dependant on her, she disappears at times... but also doesnt want to let go. playing games? i dunno... but i do know she is not a bad person at heart... sigh

[Nine]

Hi Younged78,

 

What I mean by "getting close" is the normal interpersonal stuff that comes with a close relationship. The give and take. The day to day being there for the other person. The continuous sharing of each other's feelings. This type of intimacy may be very hard for her. I don't think she is bad either.

 

Sure, she still desperately wants love from others and will take what she can get. I assume she is attractive (you mentioned lots of guys). This makes it easy for her to get male affection, but I'm thinking she doesn't want to feel "obliged" to anyone.

 

Especially since, after confronting her in the past, she ends up making me feel guilty for what i'm saying.

 

Ok, you do know that she can't make you feel guilty. Something within you is driving that feeling. Maybe that is something to look at for yourself. Maybe understanding that will help you get over her.

 

I get the feeling at times she actually likes it when she makes plans with her other friends and can meet them, and then leaves it as destiny that we couldnt meet. I feel she almost enjoys when im upset - so i've stopped reacting and play indifferent when she cant.

 

 

I don't think it is helpful to you to deny your feelings by playing indifferent. Please don't squelch your voice. It really does not make her respect you any more. You are allowed to feel upset and if she likes it then maybe she is a bit sadistic. More reason for you to move on. The faster the better.

 

So then we come back to the question of how. Perhaps a counsellor or someone could help you understand why you are still hooked on this person.

 

Dear Younged, there really are many, much nicer ladies out there who will appreciate you!

 

Ciao,

Nine

[younged78]

Hi again,

 

What I mean by "getting close" is the normal interpersonal stuff that comes with a close relationship. The give and take. The day to day being there for the other person. The continuous sharing of each other's feelings. This type of intimacy may be very hard for her. I don't think she is bad either.

 

She actually does all this give and take esp. with the new friends she makes. The closeness involved with sharing details on a daily basis, and looking out for each other all the time, and the sharing of the feelings.

 

An example of how I end up feeling guilty after confronting her, is when she disappeared for a couple of weeks recently. I spoke to her about it, and how she does this to me all the time and that I was feeling left out, and that she has cut me off, and she said she understood from my point of view. And its completely understandable how any one in my shoes would feel that way. But she says her circumstances are such, that she cant avoid being this way. And she explains her situation to me, how she has become sick, there have been things to deal with. And i then feel guilty becoz it makes me feel that i am being selfish and only thinking of things for me, when she has to deal with so much. But even though she does have her own problems, i think she overplays them and uses them as an excuse to explain why she hadnt been in touch with me.

 

Anyway, I do appreciate ur comments, and the 'there are plenty of other much better girls for you out there' line. I know i shouldnt play indifferent, but showing my hurt and being upset has just frustrated me more in the past. So thought if i play indifferent, perhaps soon i will become indifferent.

 

The girl is so hard to get over, perhaps cos shes the first girl ive really ever liked.

 

take care, and thanks once again

[Nine]

Hey Younged78,

 

Ok...my comments don't ring for you...

 

On a more practical note. Here is my suggestion. Sometimes, what we like about another person is something we feel we lack. So, perhaps you could make a list of all the things that you really like about this young woman. Then perhaps pick a couple of the most important things and try to incorporate them into your life in another way.

 

This may help keep you busy and you may be able to fulfill some of your emotional needs.

 

I hope you feel better soon.

 

Nine

[younged78]

Thanks,

 

I actually did make a list of the things I really like about her. And unfortunately its REALLLY short. Basically, its just cos she's such a fun-loving person, and its just the way I feel when i'm around her. She doesn't have many qualities I admire. It doesn't make sense then why I like her, does it? Honest - no. Reliable - no. Simple - no. Someone who is giving - no. She makes me laugh though.

 

She chatted with me this morning, and out of the blue, she told me how much she appreciates the friendship we have, and how I am such a wonderful person. And she apologised syaing that she knows she is never there for me, and is not that good a friend. She also said she knows we arent as close to each other as either one of us wants, but she really values my friendship, and was getting all emotional about it. See why I can't let go of her?

 

Perhaps its time to get busy in other activities, so that my mind doesnt wander down that path. But i know this, she means a lot to me. I will never be able to stop caring about her, and her well being, no matter where i am, and whether i am in touch with her or not. The part that i have accepted is that i wont be happy being WITH her.. its just too painful, but i cant stop cating for her and I have nothing but good wishes for her..

 

In your opinion, given what u know about this girl, and what I feel for her, how do you think I should proceed? What would you do if you were in my place?? Completely cut off with her? Remain friends at a distance, and expect nothing from her? Or something else.....? (confronting her is not an option - did it again just a few weeks ago, and no decision was reached, and things are just the same)

But tell me, given the info you have on this girl, and knowing how much this girl means to me and that I care for her so much

[Flying Goose]

Interestingly, your situation sounds quite familiar to me.

 

I think I'm quite like the girl you describe, similar to the way nine describes the situation. If that is true, then the problem is not with her feelings about you - they are most likely genuine, as genuine as they come. There is something else, however, that for myself anyway plagues my close interactions. It is essentially a fear of closeness, but the nature of it is imprecise. I have a tendency to be trusting and prefer emotionally meaningful interactions to non-meaningful chit-chatful experiences. So I prefer close friends to casual acquaintances, but have the potential and scope to be good friends with almost anyone. I, like most, like to be liked, but prefer to be loved (selfish I know). However, in my case it's some arcane quasi-emotional logic that prevents me from making use of those friendships. I think too much about irrelevances and end up appearing as though I'm not as interested as my other actions/words would imply - I think a lot about little things, with a slight bias to pessimism. Therefore I'm extremely reluctant to get 'intimately' involved with anyone. As I feel myself approaching that, I start to shut down more rapidly - have brief episodes of non-communication, sadness, anxiety, etc. Before I feel this happening though, I have the most wonderful relationships I've ever had the pleasure to experience - giving and taking and being kind to each other with consistency. Once I feel myself approaching this hypothetical barrier though, things start to chang. So I may appear very nice one day, and although as nice the other day, less talkative and less interested in the world. It's like some defence mechanism that tends to act to:

- stop me making mistakes (getting into something I think I may eventually become dissatisfied with),

- stop me pushing myself on others (although I feel the people like me, I wonder how much of that is reciprocated vs. genuine, how much is essentially sympathetic vs. empathetic, whether they actually really like me as much as I like them, etc - pessimistic thoughts that serve to isolate me).

 

I don't know if any/some/all of that applies to the girl in your situation. Perhaps it may give you some insight into what's happening. Perhaps it won't. The above applies to my interactions with boys and girls, with a gender bias to girls (I'm male) perhaps because they are generally more sympathetic/empathetic and generally loving, or maybe some sexual interests.

 

The key thing is that, if the above holds reasonably true, then it is not that she does not like you or likes it when you're upset, etc. It is that she is wired in a complicated way. This should be evidenced by the lack of another significant male interest on her part. I.e. if she doesn't show signs of having fallen in love with some other guy (and therefore reacting in a defensive manner to try not to hurt you,) then it is likely she really does like you - but is just wired complicatedly.

 

As for what you should do, that I cannot answer well. From my experience, what people do to me when my behaviours become as such is they (I presume) presume it is because I have begun to lack interest in them and slowly minimise contact till the nature of the friendship changes from emotionally close to very distant casual acquantances who seldom get beyond the "how are you?" stage of conversation. (Btw, that's the second sentence, after "Hi", for me anyway...). So it's a behaviour that tends to lose friends, with friends of the opposite sex being most affected. This is probably supported in the eyes of these people who see my behavioural change, by the fact that I have no problems preserving casual relationships or weakly intimate relationships. So it looks like I'm not interested in them specifically. Perhaps it is best that you distance yourself and take care of your emotions - that I would say, is the general consensus. Even I agree with that concensus. When I succeed in rewiring myself in a manner more able to utilise intimate relationships, then and only then do I really deserve to experience them. Perhaps that is the lesson she will learn from the experience with you. It all depends on what you can cope with emotionally. Cutting off completely will be painful for you both, then again is feeling insufficiently appreciated. Have patience, if you have it.

[LucreziaBorgia]

It sounds like you are in love with her, and she is keeping you close because she likes you, but far enough away because she is not in love with you. The reason you hang on is because she is giving a small percentage of herself and you are willing to take that - even if it means you only get small crumbs. Your hopes are outweighing your common sense in this situation - love tends to do that to people. The worst part is, is that she deliberately makes sure you don't go anywhere. Strip your situation down - take all of your hopes/love/affection out of it, ignore her well meaning words and look entirely at her actions:

 

1. She disappears on you for lengths of time with no contact or explanation, and does not allow you to even inquire about it.

2. She does not make firm plans with you, and stands you up when you back her into a tentative plan, and then makes lame excuses, which you are not allowed to question.

3. She will only meet you on her terms, and if you refuse she will use coercion and emotional blackmail to bring you back in line to meet the meager and selfish needs she has for you.

4. She makes plans with other people and keeps them but not with you.

5. She refuses to take responsibility for her inconsiderate actions, and if confronted makes you feel bad for her behavior.

 

Consider this:

But she says her circumstances are such, that she cant avoid being this way. And she explains her situation to me, how she has become sick, there have been things to deal with.

 

If that's the case - then why is it only you and not her other friends she is treating this way? Does she have problems and is only sick with you?

 

She won't change, either - why would she? She's doesn't want any more than she's already getting from you, and she knows that you aren't going anywhere - she knows you are addicted to her. She has no motivation to change even one iota. Because you enable her to be this way. You want change? Its going to require you to make the necessary changes. The only way you will break free is to do so completely, which you have already said you cannot do. So, the best you can do is distance yourself until the next time she pulls you back in. I'll warn you though: the more you pull away, the more drastic measures she'll take to pull you back. Be prepared.

[younged78]

I really do appreciate comments and advice from you both. It helps to get it out, and see that other people have similar expereinces - AND can see things in a more clear manner, as my judgement is understandbly clouded at times.

 

This girl's experiences with other boys has been similar to the experience she has had with me. She has made many guy friends over the course of her life, who she had become extremely close to. They have experienced similiar situations as the one i am now facing, except they had problems with her after a shorter period of time. Her excuses (which i dont doubt are real - just very overplayed), and lack of time would get to anyone really. I don't know how i've put up with it - probably because i've just been in love with her. With 3 of these past friends, she has dated them as well, so i dont think its the case that she has issues getting 'close' to a guy, or has some fear about it.

 

1. She disappears on you for lengths of time with no contact or explanation, and does not allow you to even inquire about it.

2. She does not make firm plans with you, and stands you up when you back her into a tentative plan, and then makes lame excuses, which you are not allowed to question.

3. She will only meet you on her terms, and if you refuse she will use coercion and emotional blackmail to bring you back in line to meet the meager and selfish needs she has for you.

4. She makes plans with other people and keeps them but not with you.

5. She refuses to take responsibility for her inconsiderate actions, and if confronted makes you feel bad for her behavior.

 

Luzrecia, some of what you say definately does hold true. Stripped down to the essentials, yes she does not want to let me go, and yet she does not and cannot be a good friend (let alone anything more than that) to me. I would even be happy just if she was the close friend that she keeps professing she is. But her actions dont speak it.

 

1.She disappears for lengths of time, but allows me to inquire about it, and she will explain what has happened, just that i dont feel its a good enough reason to disappear that way.

2. She makes excuses which are real when she 'stands me up' - but i dont think its a good enough reason to do that. And she shouldn't keep doing it cos its plain wrong.

3. Ur spot on with this one. Meet only on her terms, and she uses emotional blackmail (subtely - like "I reallllly need your company for lunch today, pls pls can u come see me". If i say no, she uses that as ammunition for how she "trys so hard" to meet me. If i do, i feel my ego hurting and dont feel right - cos that lunch time is very convenient for her, as she has nothing better to do. Though what she would say to that is that "that's the only free time i have to myself, but look, i dont spend it for myself, i think of you, and want to spend it with u"!!!! can u believe that!)

4. Other people she meet have problems with her too. But she seems more ready to go with them, and with me, there's some excuse at one time or the other. so off-putting

5. Her way of taking responsibility is saying "I completely understand what you are feeling. If anyone was in your shoes they would feel the same way. But I am doing the best that i can, if i cld do more i would" She just validates that its ok for me to feel this way, but cant/doesnt change the things i feel are so wrong

 

She doesn't lie about when she is sick, she is a little ill - and wont meet her other friends at that time too. But what i have a problem with is that from being so in touch everyday all the time, she changes to disappearing for such gaps. I can call her, and tlak to her, but she wont call/sms me to let me know about how shes doing.

 

She's a taker.. and doesnt give...

 

Just tried having a night out with my friends. Went for a movie, and then had dinner, went bowling. And on the way home, i smsed her asking what she's upto. She said she's out for dinner, to which i replied "have fun, we'll try and meet some other time". It got me upset, cos she keeps telling me (in these last few days) how much she WANTS to meet me - and yet hasn't made any plans with me (she did once, but it was too convenient a time for her, so i refused). She says that she is busy with stuff going on, but still wants to meet me, but hasnt made plans with me for tonight... and yet is out with her other friends.

 

I'm playing indifferent to it all... but its hurting me. and u are SO spot on that the more i distance from her, the more drastic measures she will take. Like this morning, out of the blue, she professed to me how important a part of her life i am and how much i mean to her (its funny, cos last 2 months, we've hardly talked or met). But on the other hand, it makes me feel that maybe she has a fear of losing me, and she does value my friendship and so is trying to stop it withering away... .. i'm confused...

 

i HATE these mind gamezz! just want a simple girl. and she's not it. so why in the hell am i still holding on to her, and get jealous when she spends time with others.?!?! god help me!

[younged78]

I'm having a really hard time at the moment dealing with her. I still have such a longing for her, and so want to meet her. But I can't. She lives RIGHT across the street from me, and is such a "close" friend, and i havent even seen her in 2 months. My heart is so heavy at this moment - and yes, its just a 'passing phase' and i know im just feeling overly emotional right now - but i so miss the *essence* of her.

 

I know its in my best interests NOT to call her and talk to her now, or ask her to meet me now - as i know she will most probably refuse giving some excuse. And i also have to stop being addicted to her, and stop needing her. But this is so painful - tears have welled up in my eyes as i'm writing this.

 

I so dont need to feel this way - but i am. Why am i in love with someone who I feel is not for me? Who i know in my gut is not the right person, and who has qualities that I don't admire. Why can't i let go of her and get her out of my mind. It's been 9 years for christ's sake - and i havent even THOUGHT about another girl in this time. They all pale in comparision.

 

I must sound like a total nutcase. But this is how im feeling. and im at a loss as to what to do, and just want to stop having to feel this way. its too agonizing...

[Nine]

Hi Younged78,

 

You are not a nutcase by any means. I think it is great that you are spot-on that this lady (I'm thinking she's not a girl anymore based on some of your comments) is not a good match for you. You also received some other great responses that helped reinforce that.

 

Still, you pine for her. You certainly aren't the first person to be in this situation. I have, and so have lots of others. I think one of your problems is proximity. You are continuously reminded of her, and that isn't helping, is it?

 

I hope you are ok with a few questions...Do you live with your parents? Are you satisfied with the rest of your life? Are you happy with yourself (besides this addiction to this woman?) How is your relationship with your parents and sibs?

 

Feel free to answer what you want and leave the rest...

 

Take Care,

Nine

[younged78]

Hi Nine,

 

Thanks for your reply. Me and this girl are both in our mid-twenties. And yes, you are right that I am constantly reminded of her, cos I'm still in contact with her on chat/sms and the occassional call. We're 'friends', and in her eyes, she's just a good friend of mine, and doesn't see anything wrong in the situation.

 

Yes, i'm living with my parents. My relationship with my family is good, I get along with them well. Well occassionaly, parents get on my nerves - but thats very normal. However, I'm not that satisfied with the rest of my life. I dont have that many friends, i have plenty of acquantainces - but not someone I cld just call up for no reason whatsoever, just to chat. The girl in question was that person for me - but she was just too unreliable, and even though she was the one close friend i thought i had - she just cldnt be there when i needed her.

 

So basically, socially i'm not happy with my life. Perhaps i should be focussing more on getting to know more people, take up classes, do some other activities to get my mind off her. But somehow i am not able to get myself to do these things - and i feel my time and life slipping out of my hands.

 

Am i happy with myself? Not really.

[younged78]

Btw, I *really* appreciate all the people who have replied and tried to help. Its very soothing to know that there are people out there who do these selfless acts of helping other people with no benefit for themselves. And these are regular people, just like me, who use their time to help others, and are genuinely concerned for their fellow man.

[Nine]

Hi Younged78,

 

Perhaps you turn to this young lady because she is safe. Yeah, she isn't always very nice to you, but you are used to that. You pretty much know what to expect from her.

 

Is it possible that you like the fact that she won't let you get too close? (I know that she acts like she is getting close, but since she stops acting close so often that tells me that she really isn't letting you in. If she could really get close to people, that would include while she was ill and having a hard time.)

 

So my question is, how do you feel when you imagine actually having a true intimate relationship with someone? If you are scared, it would explain alot about why this woman is so attractive to you. It is like...she gives you some love, but she doesn't expect that much from you. For some people this seems like the perfect situation. Does that ring true for you at all?

 

Perhaps i should be focussing more on getting to know more people, take up classes, do some other activities to get my mind off her.

 

I find that when I tell myself "should" anything, I'm not likely to want to do it. Perhaps there is something you "could" do for yourself. There are no mandates.

 

and i feel my time and life slipping out of my hands.

 

Do you mean in regards to your love life? Or something else?

 

Peace,

Nine

[younged78]

in my eyes i still see her a nice person. she's sweet and kind with her words... and she's always sincerely apologizing and feels guilty that she is never there for me...

 

i dont think i like her coz she doesnt let me get close. I would love to get and REMAIN close to her. I can imagine myself getting intimate with a girl, it doesnt scare me the least.

 

What could i do for myself? I dunno - there seem the be all 'shoulds' around, but nothing i feel i 'could' do.?!?!

 

My time and life slipping out of my hands... well thats just my feeling about life right now. I seem to be holding onto this girl, and feel time slipping away, and im not accomplishing much in my life that i feel i am capable of. (career wise as well as socially, romantically - all aspects of life)

 

take care nine,

[Nine]

Younged78,

 

Based on what you have said, this woman is NOT nice to you.

 

Many accomplished manipulators apologize very nicely and lay on the guilt trips really well. That is why they are so good at manipulating. This is abusive.

 

Denial is a powerful thing...I would say that you are in denial about this woman. BYW, if she is in her mid-20's, she is a WOMAN. Not a girl. It is important to recognize that you are both adults, not children dependent on each other.

 

Dear Younged78, take control of your life. It is YOUR life...get to it. Don't waste another minute on this woman or any other things that don't fulfill you.

 

I'm outta here...maybe someone else can help you better.

 

Good Luck,

Nine

[younged78]

Do you people have any advice on keeping my mind of this girl? I have a week's holiday coming up, and i've realised whenever i'm not at work, i think about her ever more and get emotional.

 

I try to keep myself busy, but am not able to, as nothing seems to keep me interested. I don't have that many close friends, and the last thing i want to do is interact with her, and get jealous over what she is doing over the break and with who.

 

Should i 'disappear' over the break? And just somehow keep myself busy? I'm thinking of even uninstalling msn so i'm not even tempted to chat with her. I want to remove ALL dependance i have on this girl, and work on making myself a better person and living my OWN life.. how do i start?

[ReluctantRomeo]

Interesting thread.

 

I have some questions for Nine and Flying Goose:

 

- I seem to often attract girls like this, ie with fear of intimacy. Any hints as to what made/makes you go for particular guys?

 

- Any tips on relating to such girls?

 

- What made you change, Nine?

[clynn]

Come right out and tell her what you want.

If she doesn't want the same, distance yourself until you can handle only a sometimes frienship.

[Nine]

Good for you Younged78.

 

ReluctantRomeo,

 

Good name...good questions. I'll give it a whirl...

 

I seem to often attract girls like this, ie with fear of intimacy. Any hints as to what made/makes you go for particular guys?

 

Hmmm...let me start by saying everyone and every situation is not exactly the same. Given that...what I recall is having alot of guy friends. Within that, there were many different situations. Some guys decided pretty quickly to keep their distance. Some guys hung with me alot and we had alot of fun platonically. Some would occasionally drop a hint that they would like to move the relationship further. With some guys I gave it a shot and tried the romantic thing. However, back then, if the guys were thinking about a healthy, committed relationship...I would turn tail and run (or at least evade).

 

My guess is if you keep finding yourself sharing time with women who are intimacy phobic, then part of it might be something within you.

 

- Any tips on relating to such girls?

 

Yep...my opinion only, of course...

 

1. Try to be compassionate and kind with them...most likely they've experienced some pretty tough stuff. This does not mean you should take care of them or enable them.

 

2. Determine what you are looking for in a relationship...some stuff you might be willing to compromise, other stuff may be a must have.

 

3. If the woman you are interested in does something that feels hurtful to you, talk to her about it. Judge her reaction, if she seems sincere, give her another chance. If it continues...time to consider ending the relationship. This is especially true in the early part of the relationship. I mean, that is when most people are on their best behavior. If that is her best behavior, you can imagine what to expect down the line.

 

4. You won't be able to change her.

 

What made you change, Nine?

 

Oh boy...such a short question and my mind is filled with such a long answer. I'll try to be brief.

 

I think my primary motivator was how lonely I was. I could see that all of my relationships (family, girlfriends, boyfriends) were disastrous...but I did not know why. I really didn't see it. I tried seminars, self-help books and counselling. Nothing was working. My career was doing great though, so I had something to feel good about. At one point I decided that I was going to have a "real" relationship and I picked a guy who was less capable at relationships than I was. After 3+ years, I found myself scared to death of him and I had noone to turn to. I turned to a therapist and he has been the most help I have ever received in my life.

 

I learned about how my relationships with my parents affected all my other relationships. I began to learn how to love and trust myself ...which is the key to being able to love and trust others.

 

I'm married now and we have a loving, committed relationship. I know that I am not completely over my trust issues yet...but I can look back and see how far I've come.

 

This probably isn't directly helpful to your situation, but maybe it helps understand what drives some people to act the way they do.

 

Hey...was that brief? Probably not...oh well. Good luck to you RR...one day you will find the woman for you. Your willingness to ask questions and be vulnerable tells me that you will be successful in your journey.

 

Peace,

Nine

[ReluctantRomeo]

Thanks Nine,

 

That's *really* helpful to me. I'm gonna think about your answers - I've printed them out.

 

Yes, there is something a little commitmentphobic in me too... I'm examining this with a therapist myself

 

Catch you later!

[younged78]

Think i'm driving myself up the wall here...

 

So I've tried stopping communication with her, keeping it to BASIC minimal, the odd one-liner on chat or sms. I don't know what she does/where she is during the day, nor does she know about me.

 

So after not calling me for a month, she calls outta the blue... it just so happens i was away from the phone at the time, and so i got a v.m. telling me she just called to catch up. So i dont call her back, i just sms her, and here's the text conversation we had:

 

Me: Just done with lunch - hope u have a great day, its wonderful weather outside.

Her: I'm out at my girlfriend's place for the day, will take me until the night, but i'll be indoors... what u doin?

Me: I'm just about to head out for a while (not true)

Her: where?

Me: 'tis a secret..

 

It got me upset that she's out enjoying at her friends house and hasnt had the time in about 2 months to meet me. And she at times complains that she tries to meet me, but it just doesnt seem possible due to bad timings. I didn't even ASK her what she is doing, and who she is with - yet she told me - and that upset me. Does she do that on purpose so that it gets to me - or is she that ignorant that she doesnt realise that she is being a hypocrite?

 

My mind is telling me to just forget about her, and cut her off now, cos its just been too long. Wish my damn heart would understand that too!

[Nine]

You are on the right track Younged...I really feel for what you are going through...it is difficult

 

So I've tried stopping communication with her, keeping it to BASIC minimal, the odd one-liner on chat or sms. I don't know what she does/where she is during the day, nor does she know about me

 

Good idea.

 

So after not calling me for a month, she calls outta the blue

 

Not surprising. She's worried that you won't be there for her when she needs your admiration.

 

It got me upset that she's out enjoying at her friends house and hasnt had the time in about 2 months to meet me.

 

You feel betrayed...I would to.

 

And she at times complains that she tries to meet me, but it just doesnt seem possible due to bad timings.

 

I don't believe this at all. You two live across the street from each other...how can there be 2 months of bad timings? Sorry...but this is a manipulation.

 

 

I didn't even ASK her what she is doing, and who she is with - yet she told me - and that upset me. Does she do that on purpose so that it gets to me - or is she that ignorant that she doesnt realise that she is being a hypocrite?

 

She may not conciously realize what she is doing. I do think that at some level she is doing it on purpose. This is her way of telling you what she is about. Believe her...don't wait for her to change.

 

If you have gotten visibly upset in the past about her actions, then she may be hoping to push those buttons again. It sounds weird, but she probably gets something out of you being upset. Like it makes her feel better. It really isn't healthy and it is damaging to your spirit.

 

My mind is telling me to just forget about her, and cut her off now, cos its just been too long. Wish my damn heart would understand that too!

 

Y-you are taking the first step...your heart will get there. It just takes time. Keep posting...

 

Nine

[younged78]

She started to chat with me online, and was telling me how things were different and that she feels smthg different from me - like i'm very distant from her. And she said its not to do with the fact that we don't have time to chat/talk to each other much these days - there's no spark of interest that we used to have when chatting to each other. It's all just very different... she mentioned how she called me the other day, but i didnt see it fit to call her back i just sms'ed her..

 

I just told her its a lack of spending time with each other, and when i'm free to talk to her, she isn't, and vice versa. as for the other day when i didnt call her back - i said i was just busy at that time so wasn't able to.

 

that was the end of that conversation... and she is rite in what she has said, it is very different, cos i am distancing myself. But what do i do when she asks me these type of questions, and asks me why things are different between us? And why have i become distant? How do i answer? Coz i dont want to have to explain to her that I feel i am being unfairly treated (again), and that line of conversation just gets nowhere with her (happened tooo many timesi n the past)

 

Or do i just continue making excuses like..."its just cos there's a lack of time" etc etc

 

what do u think?