The most complicated girl i've even encountered.. how do i deal with this old friend?

[younged78]

I couldnt seem to get through my days. I felt so heavy and burdened with all the feelings and problems I had with her, and couldnt even express them to her. It felt wrong, and I was dying on the inside - so I made a decision. I wrote to her, and told her that i needed space from her. I didnt blame her for anything, because it goes nowhere, and I'm no longer sure if i should blame her or myself. Here's what i wrote to her:

 

Dear _____,

 

I find myself at a very difficult point in my life right now. I'm

finding it very hard to deal with certain things, and I think i'm

nearing breaking point. So, I need to do something about this now,

before I drive myself crazy. I can't stand the day-to-day frustrations

that I feel, and I just need and want that simple life. Everytime I

think i am getting there, I somehow end up getting to back where I was,

and i'm just not moving forward as a person.

 

One of the ways in which I frustrate myself is with you. I don't want

that, nor do you, but this is what happens, and has happened in the

past for much too long. I've tried changing my perspective, and I've

tried changing other elements, but I find myself time and time again at

this point. I do not blame you for this frustration - it is to do with

ME, and I need to sort myself out in that respect if I want myself any

chance to be happy as a person. We're adults now ____, we're no longer

in high school - yet with you I feel I am still stuck there. I'm trying

to take more control of my life and handle things in the way they are

supposed to be handled. But I'm at a loss as to what I do with you.

We've had countless conversations, countless discussions - but it

doesn't get me anywhere. And so perhaps, the only way I can overcome

this hurdle in my life, is the one way I've refused to try thus far.

And that is to give myself space from you. Cos really, I can't put

myself through this anymore, and I also know somewhere in you, it pains

you to see me this way. I cant begin to comprehend how difficult it is

going to be for me to do this, but something inside of me is telling

me, that this is what I must do.

 

You are a very special person to me ____, and no matter what

happens/where we are in life, I will always care about you deeply - i

don't have an option in that, thats just the way things have been

written. As difficult as it has been for you to read this, understand

it has been even more difficult for me to write this.

 

I apologise for having to write this over email. I know this is not the

best of mediums, but this way I can gather my thoughts, and you can

digest what I've said at your own time.

 

Also, re-reading this, it may sound as if I am trying to end(?) this

friendship. Thats not possible - this friendship cannot end. But I am

asking for space and time. During this period, I will be completely

alone, but maybe thats just what I need.

 

I cannot make this decision without asking you, and whether you are ok

with it. So I ask you to think this over and i just hope you understand

why I feel this is necessary. Feel free to call me, we can meet and

talk about this face to face if that helps.

 

 

so that's it i guess. dont know how she will react to this.. but this is what i need. It will probably be a shock to her because its "out of the blue".. but what can i do.. i have to start thinking about myself too....

[moimeme]

I didn't read every page so someone may have said this already, but this girl is never, ever going to get her act together. What you say to her when she says all that stuff about feeling that you're special, etc. is that she never feels you're special enough to be her #1 priority and that since you know you two would be a disaster as a couple, you have to move on.

[Nine]

Hi Younged78,

 

The letter sounds good. I'm interested how she'll react.

 

Nine

[younged78]

been 3 days and she hasn't responded. Perhaps i'll wait a couple of days more and then call her - coz I don't want to be the "bad guy" who just decided to break off the friendship w/o even talking to her about it.

 

But supposing u were this girl in this situation nine - u would understand where i'm coming from right? And wouldn't ur response be one of understanding and letting me know that you support my decision?

[LucreziaBorgia]

My guess? Either you'll continue to get the silent treatment, or you'll get an email back dripping with emotional blackmail stuff that will make you regret that you even considered writing that to her, or if you stand your ground she'll do something drastic like threaten suicide or other damage to herself.

 

She isn't responding, because she knows that you will drive yourself crazy over it and you'll give in and apologize (!!) and ask for her back, and then she'll have you right where she wants you. Again. I'm almost postive of that. I'm not saying you'll do that, but I think she probably has it in her mind that it is how it will go down.

 

The only clear move right now is forward. A clean break away, and then forward as fast as you can. You have a chance now to get out: the question is, is your heart strong enough to take it?

[clynn]

I wouldn't suggest calling her.

 

You've already said everything you need to and the confusion and frustration isn't going to be cleared up by a conversation. It is quite clear that she is the source of this confusion and frustration for you.

 

So, best of luck to you.

 

Journey on.

[younged78]

She im'ed me yesterday nite - and so i asked her why she hadnt replied to my email? She said she didnt even receive it - and had no idea what I was talking about.

 

Don't know whether that was a sign, whether she really didnt receive it, or is just playing mind games with me. Whatever the case, I sent it again to several of her email accounts, so there is no chance she could not receive it. That was last night, and i'm still to hear from her - she said she was "worried" about the content of the email (before i resent it to her) coz I placed importance on the email.

 

Lucrezia - she has too much ego to threaten to do something to herself. We have really been slipping away in our convo's over the last couple of months.. my guess is she may not "talk" to me about it at all, and just say "u need time and space... so pls take that time, and let me know when ur thru this phase". Or she'll have a convo with me and tell me how unfair i am being (emotional blackmail). Ur right - she will want me right where I was, at her disposal whenever she needs me... but I'm no longer there, and dont have it in me anymore to be there. I've really been taken advantage of in the past by her, but not anymore..

 

I'm actually very sure of myself in this - I will not be drawn into her again. I need AT LEAST a couple of months with NO contact of any sort, and remove all dependance I have on her. Perhaps down the line, I can have a normal healthy friendship with her - only time will tell.

[younged78]

the deed is done. she said she understood that this is what i needed, and has a lot of questions to ask me, but she just wants to see me happy.

 

She said that's the most important thing - that she cannot possibly be happy without me being happy, and so as much as it will pain her.. she'll do this for me. Let go off her closest friends for an indefinate period of time. This is a recurring pattern in her life, her close friends have problems with her and then end up breaking their friendship with her. Her only request was, when I feel able to talk to her again, and am content once again - that I will let her know about it.

 

i feel so empty all of a sudden. Feel so drained and heavy-hearted. After 9 years, i'm stepping away from this friendship, and that too after her not doing anything "bad" to me. But I was unhappy with things, and this is what I needed to do. I dont know how i'm going to get on with my life though. I've removed her from my chat list also, so that's it..

 

its all over....

 

thanks for all of u guys who've advised me and heard me out. How odd - I lost my best friend on Valentine's day. Part of me says i'm better off without her, and the other is crying uncontrollably right now.

 

Will keep u guys posted later.... for now its me signing off......

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by younged78

its all over....

 

thanks for all of u guys who've advised me and heard me out. How odd - I lost my best friend on Valentine's day. Part of me says i'm better off without her, and the other is crying uncontrollably right now.

 

Will keep u guys posted later.... for now its me signing off......

 

 

Do keep us posted Younged.... we feel for you!

[Nine]

Hi Younged78,

 

I'm a bit late, but I didn't want to ignore your post...

 

But supposing u were this girl in this situation nine - u would understand where i'm coming from right? And wouldn't ur response be one of understanding and letting me know that you support my decision?

 

I don't think you need my answer now, you got hers. Younged, I think you have given her and you a great gift.

 

Sometimes the hardest things we go through in our lives are what allows us to find the best parts of our lives. You have left this shore and are travelling to somewhere new. It is scary and you will mourn that which you have left behind. You sound strong though and I think you will get through this.

 

Please keep posting if you need more support. We care.

 

By the way, maybe this Valentine's Day you have found a new love...for yourself.

 

Peace,

Nine

[younged78]

hi guys - its me again... its been over a month since the last post, and since then we havent communicated at all.

 

i've found out recently that she's becoming really friendly with another one of her 'guy' friends - and its bugged the hell out of me. Just found out that she's been flirting with him - and that should be ok - it shouldnt bother me to THIS extent - but it is. It has really thrown me off, and im extremely irritable today.

 

This doesnt make sense though. Here I am, having decided that she is not the person for me, and I would not be happy with her, having blocked off my friendship with her, and yet when i hear of her interacting with anyone in a way more than a normal friend would - it rocks me. So today she's flirting with someone, tomorrow she'll go out, and soon she'll marry someone - so i SHOULD be happy for her, rite?

 

No, even though i decided that she is not for me, i can't bear to think that she would be close to anyone else in a romantic way. And that is just SO wrong of me, I dislike feeling this way, but how do I overcome this? Why am i being possessive of her when i have already "let go" of her. She has a right to be happy and do what makes her happy - and yet I can't watch her with anyone else.

 

Am i just overly obsessed with her? And how do I get myself out of this mess? I need to change my thinking, but its not happening... any ideas on what I need to be doing???

[LucreziaBorgia]

Am i just overly obsessed with her?

No, because you realize that she is not right for you. What you are obsessed with is the hopes that you had for the relationship you would have liked to have had with her. The future you thought you would have together. People are very easy to let go of. What is hard to let go of is the hopes and expectations you have for that person, and what they represent to you in the context of your life.

 

You can't make yourself stop feeling this way. All you can do is just keep venting it. Eventually you'll be able to take some steps back and start sorting fact from hopeful fiction. I don't know if you are a reader, but your situation reminds me of the one in a short, clever little novel called "On Love" by Alain de Botton. The guy is obsessed with a girl who leaves him, and he tries to dissect his feelings through diagrams, problems, etc - its a funny and sad look at how a guy tries to figure out just what you are trying to figure out: where did this obsession come from, and how do I eradicate it? Do I really want to eradicate it?

 

You start to see the progress from where you are now, to the realizations he has when he begins to sort out his feelings. Interesting stuff.

[clynn]

Great insight, Lucrezia.

 

Unfortunately these things take time.

 

Making the decision to move on was very hard but the "getting over" is something altogther different, as you're finding.

 

All the best.

 

Your psyche will eventually become exhausted.

[Nine]

Hi Younged78,

 

Lucrezia and Clynn have offered very wise words. I'm with them. I think it is wonderful that you have stuck to your guns. Stay with yourself and ride out these obsessive thoughts. I understand how frustrating it can be.

 

Keep posting if you need to...

 

Nine

[younged78]

Thanks for your most welcome comments.... ur abs spot on though - im not obsessing over her, but i am holding onto somewhere the dream [perhaps way over-played in my mind as I may have put her on a pedestal] of how wonderful things COULD be with her. What she represented to me in my life was someone I looked forward to talking to, having the anticipation of meeting her, interacting with her, seeing her. I can't even honestly say that she was someone who was there for me, and was a good friend, cos she was not these things for me.

 

But whats getting under my skin, is the fact that she has another guy friend in her life, who she is flirting outrageously with, perhaps in the same way that she was with me. Drawing someone in to her life YET again, in the same way that she drew me into her life. And that bothers me. Why? Cos i'm jealous. I'm thinking of the late night calls that used to last hours with me, and how she must be having those with him now. I'm thinking of the movies we used to watch together, the times we used to go out for walks, go and have coffees, meet in the middle of the working day just cos we were missing each other, and all these things... she has someone else she is doing this with. And even though I did all these things with her, she wasn't "there" - there was something about how she was with me, that just left me longing, wanting something from her that just wasn't there. When I was with her, all i could see was her... but yet to me it felt that she could see everything else but me. I guess I just felt very intensely for her, and she is just too self-absorbed in her life.

 

And she's enjoying the lavish attention this new male friend must be giving her... perhaps she even likes him more than a friend, or perhaps she is just drawing him in to her web.... and when he gets too attached, she'll disappear on him and give the guy heartache.

 

The sad part of all of this, is that I knew throughout my friendship with her, that she is capable of this. Capable of drawing me into her friendship and getting me wound up in her life in such detail its unfathomable. And then disappearing off from my life, without much effect to her normal life at all. Without any remorse and just be able to quickly move on with her life as normal. I know her so well and have set such a place in my heart for her, that I can't possibly want ill of her or think she is a bad person - but she is a very selfish individual, who is just very self-absorbed in her life. And yet she thinks of herself to be the most selfless person in the world, the "all-sacrificing" individual who goes out of her way to do nice things for people. She thinks life is unfair to her, that even though she does all these selfless deeds for people, she is still highly un-appreciated. Her reality is warped.

 

After all this - i still have to say that I miss having her in my life. Yes, it is crazy. All logic defies why I would miss someone like her, but thats just the way it goes. I'd rather miss her and be a bit sad, than be with her and be unhappy.

 

Just had to vent - think i'm done for the time being..

 

P.S. - im currently readying "On Love" - and I do like Botton's witty style, thanks for the recommendation.