Fighting is what we do. I need your input.

[Leashy55]

The boy who has my heart and I have been dating for 3.5 years. We were with each other almost every day for the first 1.5 years. After I graduated from undergrad, I moved 2 hours away for graduate school. At first, he told me how he wanted to move with me but that wasn't true. I don't blame him because he wouldn't have anything to do where I am at at school. So he stayed back. He was supportive of me moving but also mad at me because he wanted to settle down with me. During the first couple months after I moved, he started talking to this girl who was local. She had a boyfriend of 5 years but my boyfriend began to receive an emotional attachment to her. He even admitted to having feelings for her and told her that too. Obviously, she didn't want him but still wanted to talk to him. So I tried to put an end to it. He said he had ended it, but I found out that they were still talking every once in awhile behind my back. Even to this day, he was going behind my back and contacting her. Keep in mind she is married now, but shouldn't he respect me enough to not contact her? He says now that he was stupid and has her blocked on everything. He also says he doesn't want anything to do with her. But how is that fair now? After all of this happened, the trust went to crap and I turned into a psycho. I didn't trust him on fb, snapchat, email, or with his phone at all. When I would come to see him on the weekends, I would go through every inch of his phone. But he also got good at hiding it from me by deleting messages or phone calls. I even caught her number in his phone under a different name. He said that happened when he was drunk. I have tried to get past this situation but I have been so hurt from it all.

 

He also picks friends and drinking over me. When I would come home for the weekend, he would just want to go out with them. Yes, we would get a little bit of alone time, but definitely not as much as I wanted. We would both go out and get drunk and end up fighting the rest of the night. This last Valentine's day I had had enough. I broke up with him. He was drunk with friends and wouldn't even deal with talking to me. I asked him to come outside and talk to me for 5 minutes because I was upset and he couldn't do that. To me, it feels like he doesn't care if he hurts my feelings as long as he is having a good time and it doesn't get ruined. How selfish is that? Also, in the two years I have been at graduate school, he has probably only came to visit me about 6-8 times. It was always me running back to him to spend time with him. He says he wants to settle down, get married, and have a family but that is very hard to believe. I know that I am gone a lot but that isn't my fault.

 

We have been talking more and we see each other once in awhile. We continue to fight while we are apart as well. Do you think he could actually change? Am I wasting my time holding onto hope for him? He always says things but never follows through with them. It is so hard to throw 3.5 years away especially when I know if I was there, it would work. Let me know what you all think! Thank you.

[ExpatInItaly]

Honestly? Yes, I think you're wasting your time with him.

 

You don't trust him for a very good reason. He fell for another woman. He carried on communicating with her, and is likely still in touch with her. By the way, his excuse about entering her number under a different name because he was drunk? I hope you didn't fall for that. Sure, he tells you he wants nothing to do with her. He does this because that will get you off his back so he can continue to talk to her. Yes, he should respect you enough not to contact her. But he clearly doesn't. You've been gone for two years at grad school, and he started flirting with her after only two months, correct? So this has been going on for almost two years..what does that tell you about his commitment to you?

 

It sounds like the whole relationship is filled with drama and way out of balance. Stop running back to him. He betrayed your trust. You chasing after him shows him that he can essentially do what he pleases and you will be there anyway.

 

And I must point out that there's no guarantee this relationship would be any better if you were there. I know you want to believe that, but you can't state that with 100% certainty. In other words, don't base your relationship on hypotheticals. Deal with what is true here and now. What you know now is that he is a liar and fell in love with another woman. This is a toxic relationship as it stands.

[Leashy55]

Thank you for the input. Does anyone have any more?

[TMichaels]

Thank you for the input. Does anyone have any more?

 

Nope, I think ExpatInItaly pretty well summed it up.

 

 

Best,

TMichaels