Friend ditches her own b-day party as I'm on my way

[Damaged217]

Background on the friendship: So I have this friend from graduate school. I've known her for about 8 years. We were never best friends, but we hung out a lot and I even lived with her for a summer during some of my rotations. After we graduated, we hung out once and then I texted her to hang out again and she never responded. Didn't hear from her for 3 years then she all of a sudden comes out of nowhere on facebook. I initiate contact and we start hanging out again. This was last year around this time. We've hung out several times since then.

 

Her birthday was this past weekend and she decided to have bottle service at this club/lounge on Friday. It was Good Friday so, of course, it was going to be dead that night. Anyway, I told her a month ago that I had to work until 9pm that night, but I would swing by afterwards. I RSVP'ed a few days before the event. That night, as I was getting ready, she texts me asking where I am and if I'm coming. I remind her that I just got off work and I was getting ready and would be heading out soon. She texts back a little later that the club is dead and what not. I tell her not to worry, that it will pick up, and that I'm on my way.

 

So my bf and I are on the train en route to the club. We are maybe 10 minutes away when she texts me, "Don't worry about coming. I'm leaving."

She has a tendancy to be melodramatic so I didn't think she was serious, but I call her IMMEDIATELY after and she doesn't answer. I continue calling until and once we get there. I text her to stay and wait for us and we will go somewhere else together. She is nowhere to be found. I'm irritated at this point. We leave the club and get back on the train home. I was irritated so I told her, "wtf. way to answer your phone. Alright I'm going home. Happy effing birthday."

 

2 hours later I get a text from her that says, "Hey I was there. I lost my phone for 5 minutes. Looks like you were upset. Have a good night."

 

That is such BS. I made the effort to go and I waste my money and time to get on the train over there and she can't even say a quick sorry. Whatever. Her actual birthday was on Saturday so I wished her a happy birthday via text and I have yet to hear from her. What do I do now? She's flakey and dramatic, but I've known her forever. I would hate to throw the friendship away over something so dumb. But I also have my pride. Any comments or suggestions?

[CarrieT]

Move on - you don't need friends like that.

 

The ball is in her court, if you ever hear from her again...

[Damaged217]

I feel like I should cut her some slack because it was her 30th birthday and I am guessing very few people, if any, showed up so she was probably embarassed. Either way, she should've apologized for leaving, knowing full well I was on my way there. And then to lie about being there after I saw for myself that she was not there. I'm just going to leave things how they are. Like you said, the ball is in her court now anyway.

[MidwestUSA]

She didn't 'lose' her phone for five minutes. What woman does that?

 

She's not only melodramatic, but incredibly rude. Ball is in her court, you did your part.

[freestyle]

How DOES someone 'lose their phone for 5 minutes"?

 

 

The fact that she'd even come up with an excuse that lame, & expect you to swallow, is kind of an insult to your intelligence.

 

Also coming back with, 'Looks like you were upset"....

was little more than trying to blame-shift, & dump her own shame onto you. Not cool.

[darkmoon]

I do not always hear my phone from within my bag/purse, lost in the bottom of it, it is not audible unless the sound is on full volume, idk...

[Keenly]

I do not always hear my phone from within my bag/purse, lost in the bottom of it, it is not audible unless the sound is on full volume, idk...

 

That still would be 100% your fault for not paying more attention to your phone when you are in a situation like that.

[freestyle]

That still would be 100% your fault for not paying more attention to your phone when you are in a situation like that.

 

Exactly! When someone agrees to meet you somewhere, & it's planned--you don't ignore your phone, and you especially don't leave a place, knowing that a friend is en route...

[preraph]

She's rude. If someone calls a birthday evening, they need to stick around until everyone leaves. If they wanted to take it somewhere else, they need to let everyone coming know. She's being a jerk. I don't like putting up with people like that, so I don't.

[Damaged217]

She didn't 'lose' her phone for five minutes. What woman does that? She's not only melodramatic, but incredibly rude. Ball is in her court, you did your part.

 

Right?! Even if she did misplace it for "5 minutes", I'm supposed to believe that it took her TWO hours to see my multiple missed calls and texts, knowing full well that I was on my way there? Please.

 

Well, thank you, guys. I just needed some validation that she was being ridiculous and I had a right to be upset.

[CC12]

Well, thank you, guys. I just needed some validation that she was being ridiculous and I had a right to be upset.

 

She was probably being ridiculous and you may have been right to be upset, but you were incredibly rude in your text to her. The sarcasm and cursing were really unnecessary. If you're still interested in keeping this friendship, you may want to apologize for speaking to her like that.

 

I say she was "probably" being ridiculous because there is one scenario where I think her behavior may have been reasonable. Were you late to her birthday party? Was she expecting you to be there soon after 9 when you got off work? What time did you actually get to the club?

 

Because this text from her: "Don't worry about coming. I'm leaving." sounds like she was upset with you for being late and she was basically saying "I'm not waiting for you anymore. See you when I see you." Which, if you were late, would be a pretty understandable reaction. Do you think there was a misunderstanding over what time you'd arrive at her birthday party?

[Fugu]

She overreacted, but it's understandable. It was her birthday and nobody was there to help her celebrate it, so she sat alone in a club and that probably magnified whatever insecurities she already had.

 

You made it worse with that text, so you're not completely blameless on this one. I do certainly understand your frustration and would have felt the same way, but I wouldn't have sent that text. I would have sent something less incendiary and waited to see how she responded.

 

I try not to end friendships in a situation like this, but I certainly don't make the effort to keep them going if I know I've done my part. It's up to them. A person can either grow up, or they can make the choice to let the friendship wither. It's their choice to behave like a grown up (or not), and it's your choice in terms of how you respond to their behavior.

[Elias33]

Hanging out with a needy person makes you an enabler. You encourage this self-centered behavior by any further contact. No consideration was given to you and your effort to get there after work. No consideration whatsoever. Do what you must do.

[jellybean89]

No one has any idea if there were others there to celebrate her birthday or not.

 

Sounds like the OP is just mad and saying demeaning comments like "it was her 30th birthday and I am guessing very few people, if any, showed up so she was probably embarassed."

 

Ya know, not everyone needs a 'party' or a big group to celebrate their bday. Some just like to hang out.

 

And why in the world would you think just because it was Good Friday that the clubs were dead? That's ridiculous!

 

Doesn't sound like there is much of a friendship anyway so why do you want to stay friends? Neither of you are really invested in the other. You wrote an entire post complaining about her and then come back and say you don't want to throw away a friendship on someone you have known "forever"? Forever is 8 years?

 

So what time did you actually show up at the place? You said you got off work at 9 and would 'swing by' afterwards. Doesn't sound like concrete plans to me. Plus, depending on what time you finally showed up, she may have been more than ready to go and her other friends may have been telling her it was her birthday and you were late showing up.

 

As for missing the calls, not all of us are glued to our phones all day and all night. If she is in a club, she won't be able to hear her phone ring and it may have been in her purse.

 

Just move on with life. Not worth being upset about. You could have hung out at the club with your bf. Life's too short to let the small stuff irritate you.

[SpiralOut]

She's not your friend. Even if she didn't feel like hanging out at the club anymore, she could have met you at a nearby restaurant or coffee shop instead since she knew you were on your way. If she was going elsewhere with her friends, she could have told you where they were going so you could meet them there. Or, she could have explained her reasons for leaving and apologized about it. She didn't do any of those things. She doesn't care. Focus your attention somewhere else and forget about her.

[Standard-Fare]

You said she's flakey and dramatic. So you're already well aware of these flaws.

 

I have a couple friends like this, who would pull exactly this same sort of stunt. Of course they have other redeeming qualities, or I wouldn't be friends with them at all.

 

With people like this, though, you gotta take everything with a grain of salt and operate with the knowledge that you can't rely on them. When something like this does happen, express your annoyance then move on.

 

But if something's big enough to cross your personal line, that's when you have to question whether it's worth it at all.

[Damaged217]

No one has any idea if there were others there to celebrate her birthday or not.

 

Sounds like the OP is just mad and saying demeaning comments like "it was her 30th birthday and I am guessing very few people, if any, showed up so she was probably embarassed."

 

Ya know, not everyone needs a 'party' or a big group to celebrate their bday. Some just like to hang out.

 

And why in the world would you think just because it was Good Friday that the clubs were dead? That's ridiculous!

 

Doesn't sound like there is much of a friendship anyway so why do you want to stay friends? Neither of you are really invested in the other. You wrote an entire post complaining about her and then come back and say you don't want to throw away a friendship on someone you have known "forever"? Forever is 8 years?

 

So what time did you actually show up at the place? You said you got off work at 9 and would 'swing by' afterwards. Doesn't sound like concrete plans to me. Plus, depending on what time you finally showed up, she may have been more than ready to go and her other friends may have been telling her it was her birthday and you were late showing up.

 

As for missing the calls, not all of us are glued to our phones all day and all night. If she is in a club, she won't be able to hear her phone ring and it may have been in her purse.

 

Just move on with life. Not worth being upset about. You could have hung out at the club with your bf. Life's too short to let the small stuff irritate you.

 

I don't know how my comments were demeaning. I don't understand why else she would just want to leave like that. I know her sister was there, at least. I can't say if any of her friends showed up.

 

It's not ridiculous to say that the clubs would be dead on Good Friday because they were! There were maybe 20 people inside of that particular club and the city was a ghost town as I was travelling to the destination.

 

I told this friend that I wouldn't get there until maybe 11. I got off work at 9, but my work is 45 minutes from my apartment. Plus I had to shower and what not. The train ride took another 20 minutes so I got there about 11:20. It's not like I was the only person invited. I don't know why she would single her anger out on me. Plus, I told her when I was on my way. If she wanted to leave, she could've said so then.

 

And it's one thing to not hear your phone once, especially if you're not expecting a call. BUT I called her literally 10 seconds after she texted me that she wanted to leave. And I KEPT calling every few minutes until I got there. She knew I was on my way and I'm sure others were on their way. I don't buy that she didn't see my calls until 2 hours later. That's ridiculous.

 

But I agree that my text made things worse. I was irritated and didn't think. But she should get over it. I got over my anger enough to wish her a happy birthday. The least she could've done was say, "thank you," no?

[Damaged217]

You said she's flakey and dramatic. So you're already well aware of these flaws.

 

I have a couple friends like this, who would pull exactly this same sort of stunt. Of course they have other redeeming qualities, or I wouldn't be friends with them at all.

 

With people like this, though, you gotta take everything with a grain of salt and operate with the knowledge that you can't rely on them. When something like this does happen, express your annoyance then move on.

 

But if something's big enough to cross your personal line, that's when you have to question whether it's worth it at all.

 

She's been there for me when I needed her at times so I usually excuse her flakiness and drama. You're right. I shouldn't get so worked up over things like this knowing her personality. That's my own fault. I wouldn't stop speaking to her over this because I'm not a drama queen like that and this whole thing was so dumb. If anything, I'm just doing to downgrade the friendship. I've done enough initiating of hangouts. If she wants to see me, she can make the effort.