Problems w/ MM

[newby]

I have finally worked up the courage to post something here. I haven't really been thinking of myself as an o/w or trying not to in any case. We were drunk, it happened. I was in a mess about it for a long time but I was also lonely and going through a lot of awful things.

 

By the time he worked up the courage to come back round after the first time, I was desperate to know what his feelings were for me (that I hadn’t just been used). In the beginning I think he truly was considering leaving his w, caught up in the excitement of somebody new.

 

However that didn’t last very long. Sometimes I think if I had been stronger then and acted with more self respect then, then it might have had a chance to be a proper relationship. In the meantime the reality of leaving her was beginning to dawn on him. Sometimes I think its all about timing.

 

I didn’t have any self esteem. Of course this only reinforced that. There have been long breaks in between the times we have spent together, and each time I have been sure that this is it, its over, just forget it, and move on. I am quite sure that he has thought the same.

 

It just so happens that the timing of what we individually go through (i.e. guilt, fear, never again! then of course what is the other person thinking (are they thinking about me)) is about the same so each time he comes over, I am just so desperate. Its pathetic I know.

 

Recently I don’t know what happened, suddenly he and I seemed to accept that this is something we do and set up more communication aids. (I think) this must be his only affair, does it sound that way? I’m digressing. So actually some things happened and I was very low. I knew he was going out anyway and I asked him to come and see me. He said maybe, and he didn’t.

 

This was a real blow and I obviously have been a little deluded that I may have meant enough that he would be a bit of support. Anyway I was hurt and just about to rant and complain, then I decided to lie instead. I thought well I’ll play you at your own game, I said I had a (male) friend coming to comfort me. lol this was done a lot more subtly and convincingly than it sounds the way I have put it!

 

He obviously was jealous and initially I felt a little bit better. Initially.....a few hours on, of course I don’t feel better I feel like why am I in a situation where I am driven to play silly games to get an illusion of power back. Thing is (and I have read other peoples posts here saying things to the same effect) I don’t think I am ready to just leave it alone. I think perhaps it was better without the communication aids or perhaps that just gave me the feeling of not being responsible since he would turn up and all that I would do was let him in, I would resist, he would persist.

 

I keep telling myself that I am different, I am not deluded and yet when I just read a post saying something like we just give them the ego boost they need to go back and feel like a real man again with their wives, well that’s like a kick in the stomach, its so true.

 

So why don’t I just cut off the communication aids? 'Cos I’m scared that I will change my mind, that I will be desperate again and I won’t be able to contact him. Need strength, where do I get it? Feel so pathetic.

 

I mean from reading your posts sounds like your mms treat you a lot better than mine does. I’m under no delusions that he will leave his wife, so what am I doing, I cannot understand it. it is not dissimilar though to relationships I have had with singles where it takes a long time and lots of work with the odd little result bringing excitement do you know what I mean?

 

Like each time there is a little bit more light up in his eyes when he looks at me etc. or he does something a little bit nicer or he will suddenly be looking at me with more affection or be worried about losing me.

 

Pleeeeease be kind if you reply and sorry just needed to talk I guess.

[emopunk]

I hope you don't misinterpret me...

 

I'd say leave married men out of your search. That kind of situation isnt healthy for anyone. It might just save you some heartache. And besides, there are single men out there looking to give someone their devotion and committment to one woman. Hedge your bets.

[newby]

hmm yes youre right of course thankyou, little bit late however......

[whichwayisup]

need strength, where do i get it?

 

By walking away from him...Takes 30 days to create a habit and another 30 days to get rid of a habit.

 

This guy is in your blood. Flush him out, yes it will be painful, I've read lots on these boards and there is alot of pain...But the sooner you leave him, put yourself first and realize there really is NO point in letting this A continue with this MM as he is not going to leave his wife for you. You know that already but sooner or later your heart and body will not allow you to think clearly. I'm sorry, I know this has to be very hard on you...

 

Surround yourself with family and friends. Go and do things that make you feel happy. See funny movies, pamper yourself...Even see a therapist if you have to...IT WILL NOT BE EASY leaving him, but do it for you. He will be fine. Sad I'm sure, as I bet he does have feelings for you but those feelings are just so inappropriate coz he is married to his WIFE. She should have his heart and it really isn't to anybody, especially her. But right now this is about you and getting you away from him.

 

Write him a letter, then no contact after that. IF you really want him out of your life and it is for the best NC is the only way to rid him of your heart.

 

Good luck!!

[newby]

LOL, i just read the tip about breaking your message into paragraphs, I think I should maybe listen to that one.

Truth is I didnt think I had such a lot to say.

 

Thankyou for your reply, very sweet. Yes I like the idea that it only takes 30 days to break a habit. thing is we have mostly had breaks of over 30 days before seeing each other again and it made no difference. Heres another one "absence makes the heart grow fonder".

 

Yes you are right though it sounds so simple, go to movies etc surround with friends etc.......

It is actually hard isnt it to write down the entire explanation of your situation and obviously we dont want to air all our dirty laundry (isnt this enough?) however (and I'm sure it is the same for all of us) there are always reasons why we didnt have the strength or resources to pull out immediately. I mean we are not fools. These are not excuses either, but they are reasons. Physical or psychological.

 

I did mention that I was lonely. If I felt I had this crowd of people to surround myself with I wouldn't be. It's probably partially self imposed, but not completely.

It sounds as though I am making excuses. It is quite difficult this.

[Owl]

Well, you're right and none of us are in your shoes.

 

Let me ask you this...do you think you're going to meet any other new friend's or people to fill that "loneliness" gap like it should be while you're with him?

 

He can't fill that gap...another reason why you're lonely. Because he can't invest emotionally in your relationship like he should, since he's already married and investing in that relationship as well.

 

WWIU is right about the 30 days thing. Affairs are some of the most addictive things in the world...and the ONLY way to give it up is cold-turkey. It hurts like hell...and it takes time too.

 

But...you're not happy NOW either, are you? You know you're not happy now, you can't see anyway that you're going to be happy in the near future with him...so DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Break it off, and start looking for those people that WWIU suggested you surround yourself with. You have SOME family, yes? Start looking for some emotional support there. Start going to places where you've got the chance to meet people that you CAN invest in emotionally. What are your hobbies? Get back into those...or find new ones. What have you always wanted to learn/do, but haven't? Sounds like a good time to start to me.

 

Not bashing you friend. You're not in a happy situation. You've helped put yourself there, and you need to recognize that and be honest with yourself about that. So now, get yourself OUT of that situation. Don't do it for him. Don't even do it for his wife, who doesn't deserve what this is going to do to her either. Do it for yourself. To get your own life back. Your own self-respect back. To get your own happiness back.

[newby]

sorry i'm not with it, only just realised what you meant, took it literally.

yes it takes the same amount of time to break it as make it

[newby]

yes i agree with you owl,

i guess what youre saying is i need to take responsibility.

you are absolutely right.

 

i feel like i am arguing with you or that you are arguing with me. but i already know this just wanted to talk about it, besides i have read all your posts and like you guys.

 

i am not going to say i am going to end it nor say it to him either as if you dont succeed you feel like a failure.

[newby]

i do realise his wife doesnt deserve it. i dont deserve it either.

believe me if somebody had just presented me with the choice i would never had made this one. and owl you will say that it was a choice at some point it was a choice. well you are right when i was feeling very weak i did make this poor choice.

we are not all perfect and infallible i thought that is what this site was about. getting support.

yes all of us are in some amount of denial and none of us are taking full responsibilty i suppose. what i keep thinking is i can build up my life on the side till i have enough structures in place that i am strong enough to leave properly knowing full well im not going to weaken.

in anyones opinion is this the best way to do it.

believe me i am not a weak person by the way not at all, if i have to i will go cold turkey.

it may sound strange and it is a pattern that has repeated but really what i think i want is a friend. i like to talk to him, i know that what he wants from me is something else much as i like to believe he likes talking to me too. i dont mean sex as it doesnt happen very often but the chance of it i guess and certainly the ego boost. i quite often get into relationships with men for this reason. eventually though if they want morefrom me i cannot handle it. in this case there is certainly no danger of that and thereis the attraction.

do you understand better now?

[startingover1028]

Newby.... I feel for you. I was the OW also...

 

It has been a little over three weeks since I stopped contacting my MM and it has not been easy. I have good days and bad days. There are moments when I just want to pick up the phone and hear his voice. But I don't because I know it would only put me right back into a situation that I have worked desperately to get free of.

 

What you said about wondering if he is ever thinking about you, really hit home for me. I do wonder that... especially during times when we would be taking (lunch hour, etc)

 

BUT... I do realize that this is for the best. He was in no position to leave his wife... he was riddled with guilt and I, being married also, needed to think about my situation. I will eventually end up leaving my marriage but doubt that he ever will.

 

It has been hard, I will not kid you. I replay the things he has said to me... the special places we would see each other... the looks.... the feelings. It's hard to let go of all that, especially when it has become the one bright spot in your day. But you have to. You have to somehow muster up the courage to walk away. If you don't, you will enter into a never ending spiral of emotional instability. Up one minute and down the next. Your every emotion will hinge on what he has or has not given you, of himself, that week/day/hour/minute.

 

You may think your situation is different... I did... until I came here and starting reading posts from all the other OW who had been there. Once you read enough of them, you realize how predictable and alike each of our situations really is.

 

I know that you have to make up your own mind and do it in your own time. But I do encourage you to try. Make some friends here. We will all be there for you. There is someone here, posting any time... night or day.

I got my strength here. I bet, if you ask for it, you can get it, too.

 

I wish you all the strength and courage you will need to do the right thing...

[Barby]

Newby......I am so sorry very sorry that you can't find the self respect/esteem/and self worth to leave this type of relationship. You have stated that you're not happy, you know he won't leave his wife, yet you feel "desperate" to be with him whenever he throws you a bit of his time and sexual affection.

 

You want to know where you can find the strength, to be honest only YOU can get the strength from within YOURSELF, there is no magical thing that you can "get" to get strength....................until you wake up and realize that you DESERVE better, but will never get it as long as you continue to let a man use you, (a MM or a single man either).

 

I wish you only the best and hope that you find what you need in order to better yourself, your life, and your situation.

[newby]

phew! starting over sounds like you were completely entrenched. well done you have shown amazing strength.

barby what is your situation? have you ever been there?

thankyou both for your support.

i am going to end it, yes.(again)

maybe some would say it is best not to talk and end it but i have things i want to say. not accusations or anything like that but i would like it to be friendly, is there anything wrong with that? i mean we are both in the wrong. also what i really needed was a friend in the first place. i am not saying we can still be friends obviously thats just asking for trouble, im just saying that theres no point blaming anybody else and also i want to know i am understood. also i feel that i would like to be friends one day. i dont want him to think badly of me either do you understand. i mean when i end it, i want him to look back and think well she was a nice girl and she made a mistake.

that is the truth you know.

[Owl]

Well, if it makes you feel any better, I don't feel like I'm arguing with you!

 

I can understand that you've come here for support...and I hope you get it. But in all honesty, support isn't all about telling you that you're ok, that you've done the right thing, when you know you haven't. Support is helping you work out making the right choices and decisions, encouraging you until you DO make them, and then providing you any assistance possible while you implement the changes you need in your life. It's not holding your hand and telling you it will be ok, even when you know it's not going to be ok.

 

I'm really not judging you. I don't know you. What you've done has no impact upon my life. I honestly am just replying here in the hopes that in some way, I will help you get what you need in your life so that you can find the strength to do what has to be done, and the ability to figure out what that is.

 

The problem with trying to slowly build up support structures that will eventually give you the strength to end the affair is that it just can't happen that way. Look at someone who is dealing with a drug addiction. They can't say, well I am just gonna keep doing coke until I am healthy enough to get off of it.

 

Any structure you build while you're relying on this affair for support is going to be dependent upon the affair...and will be that much more shaky when the affair is removed. I seriously think that you should start seeing a counselor to help you deal with whatever issues you've got in your life that are making you feel like this is your only hope. It's not...but the big thing about relationships like this is that they give you blinders that make you think that they are the biggest, best thing in your life.

 

Go out now and start looking for those "support" structures. Get the counseling....find a way to spend your time...so that you're not just living your life in a vacuum between visits from your MM. And take the steps to end it now...because the longer you hold on to him....the longer you're going to want to keep from letting him go.

 

As far as the needing a friend comment...why do you think that would surprise anyone? Most of these relationships don't start with someone looking at their calendar and saying "OK, I've got a conference call at 9am, lunch at noon....think I'll start an affair this afternoon."!! They almost always start out as a friendship....that then goes too far. Even once the smoke clears, and it's all over....listen to what the ex-OW/OM here say then....it's almost always the friendship that they miss the most, over anything else.

 

Even in my wife's case...it's the friendship she missed the longest, and the part that she fought the hardest to keep after the affair ended. The only problem is that once an affair begins, the ONLY way the marriage can survive is if the OP/MP relationship is completely severed.

 

Look...don't be so hard on yourself. You're an adult...you DO have the ability to make a choice NOW if you want to. The problem is, you don't WANT to make a choice. But you're only option would be to wait, and let that choice be made FOR you...either by him giving up on one of his relationships (and the affair almost always loses in that choice), or by his wife finding out and FORCING the decision. Either way, you're destined to almost certainly lose him. So do it on YOUR terms...not thiers.

 

 

Good luck!

[newby]

ha ha ha ha,

its so hard to communicate on this thing, im quite sure im not saying quite what i intend.

i DO realise i have the ability to make a choice.

i have already decided to end it.

i am doing it today and i am gonna chat to you guys when i am lonely, like it or not.

[Owl]

AWESOME!!! Don't hesitate to talk with people when you need the support. Making the choice is tough...now getting through the next 30 days will be tougher. Not making light of it...but I absolutely wish you the best of luck, and sincerely hope that things work out good for everyone involved...or at least the best possible way that they can.

 

Again...great job!

[newby]

ha ha

thanks owl you wise old bird you.

i'll keep you posted.

[startingover1028]

Originally posted by newby

maybe some would say it is best not to talk and end it but i have things i want to say. not accusations or anything like that but i would like it to be friendly, is there anything wrong with that? i mean we are both in the wrong. also what i really needed was a friend in the first place. i am not saying we can still be friends obviously thats just asking for trouble, im just saying that theres no point blaming anybody else and also i want to know i am understood. also i feel that i would like to be friends one day. i dont want him to think badly of me either do you understand. i mean when i end it, i want him to look back and think well she was a nice girl and she made a mistake.

that is the truth you know.

 

Like Owl says.... none of start out thinking that we will have an affair... it just happens... and it usually grows out of what started as a friendship. Yes, that is the part I miss the most... the friendship... the conversations about my day, the e-mails asking how I was doing... I miss all the things that the friendship brought to me.

 

We did try to remain friends. I thought we could. But, it was harder that way. I found myself reading something into everything he would say to me.... looking for signs that maybe "we" would start up again. I didn't want to let go.

 

In the end, letting go, completely, is the only way. Staying friends just doesn't seem to work... there are too many emotions in the way.

 

You shouldn't be worried about whether he thinks badly of you. He should be more concerned about thinking badly of himself. He had just as much a role in this as you did. He is a grown man and made the decision to enter into this relationship with you.

 

I know you have a ton of things you'd like to say to him. I did also. I wrote letter after letter after letter... hoping to create the perfect combination of words that would convey to him exactly how I felt. I labored over each one, and threw each one away. It helped. You may want to try that also. Write it all out... then throw it in the trash. Burn it, with candles and incense, if you want... it makes for quite a nice ritual!

 

Owl said something to me on the day that I ended my relationship that really helped me "seal the deal"...

He said " You are better than this...there's no reason for you to sit around waiting for this weasel!! It's not like you aren't an awesome person. You've got a ton of things about you that are nothing short of spectacular...he's the one missing out...not you!!! Think about that....and go find a guy who might....just barely....deserve you!!! This buffoon clearly doesn't!!"

 

I will pass these words onto you... I think they are as appropriate for you as they were for me.

 

Keep us posted. We are all in your corner.

[Owl]

And they are just as applicable to you Newby as they were to StartingOver. It's the truth....now go out and get what you DESERVE!!!

[newby]

yeah cool, thanks you guys. xxx

well i know i shouldnt care what he thinks of me, but i just dont want him to hate me, not cos i want him to want to continue with me but because i dont want to be hated pure and simple.

i am not going to get another relationship because obviously as owl said i do have issues, i already knew this and i am as a matter of fact in a type of counselling.

i think that is what makes it harder because i keep saying to myself right i'll be on my own till ive worked on this or that and then end up falling into a relationship anyway (usually not good but never before with a mm). and then i have said to myself well obviously you are lonely without someone and end up falling into things anyway so try to have a relationship and take control and go and find one that you want. so i do and i cant handle it again.

its back to the drawing board again then i guess.

[lynnered]

hey newby just read your thread &had some comments(hopefully helpful!!!)

i broke up w/h my mm almost 2wks ago ,I'm OK !!

&i don't know how long you've been involved but for me it was almost 4yrs ,and we were friends 2yrs before ,so it was really hard but i feel soooo much better, i mean as if a weigh has been lifted off of me ,I've kind of hibernated not been to the gym for these 2wks!!

I've tried &failed a few times before but i feel its right within myself this is what's best for me .

there have been a few lonely moments ,but i haven't shed a tear

i read something in the book" he's just not into you" that kind of pushed me it might help you as well:

you get bored w/h always having less then what everyone else seems to have ,less then what u want ,you start to think maybe u actually deserve better not just because you saw that great episode of Dr Phil ,but just because u got bored ,bored w/h the same misery over &over again.

and the longer your with him from my experience the more you will resent him for loving you ,but not being man enough to walk away for whatever reason he gives you ,you become insecure ,needy &one day i looked up &was so not that carefree positive person i used to be ,i became so negative &when he started to notice i told him how can i be positive when i never get positive results .

walk away for you ,&if he loves you &its meant to be maybe(just maybe)it will be .

goodluck

every saint has a past, every sinner a future.

[nextel]

Do you even know what you want from this man?

[newby]

lynnered

thankyou, you sound very strong to me.

i think with me its more about other stuff i am going through sometimes, and although i have never talked about this stuff with him or ever asked for support, the fact that he seemed into me just took the edge off that which just about pulled me through. but this week when some really bad stuff happened on top of said stuff i actually did ask for some support and he never gave me any. however the fact that he might still be into me and i know he is worried he f*cked up still is pulling me through. i have issues with trust i cant just get a normal counsellor besides which i dont have the cash for a decent one at the mo.

nextel

i think thats a good question.

maybe the above answered it a little.

its probably just the fact that i need somebody to think i'm ok, think i'm really ok, great in fact, but without taking over my life or getting too involved with my life. he provides this well, since he cant possibly get too involved or make demands. of course these things get confused with other emotions but i know damwell that if he had been a single guy it wouldnt have lasted. i would have run by now. he comes round when im lonely and sad and he makes me laugh and usually makes me feel better, i guess i have everything i want from him.

BUT although it seems so easy to ignore the reality of a situation you know when they come round and act they just act like they are your boyfriend its really difficult to remember there is a wife, BUT there is one. soooo i cant do it anymore.

TO ALL

i am ashamed to admit that last night i was weak and i let him in.

he was drunk as anything and although he knew that i was having a bad time he was like whassup with you? ohhh baby dont you like me anymore? it was all about him of course but he was drunk and not compus mentus. he looked really unattractive. he's not all that intelligent. he's most certainly selfish. he is absolutely useless in bed. he has motivation to do normal things, but no big dreams, no vision.

i had to make him say what i wanted him to say, really its for me to pretend.

needless to say i kicked him out not long after he arrived.

the truth be known i think i am better than him in many ways, arrogant as it may sound. although obviously i also have severely low self esteem too. i am a mass of contradictions arent we all??

[lynnered]

newby you are strong ,i believe everyone is its just choosing to do what you know you need to do .

it was so much easier to stay then to actually make a choice &say OK this is not for me &I'm tired of the emotional pain.

i miss the jerk he's a decent guy (except for affair - lol)

he chooses to stay for his child -fine ,i don't want to be a part of that anymore. there were times i would break it off w/h him and cry like a baby, but now i don't want to see him, blocked him from calling my phone, but i as i told you i feel so relieved !!

he said he's leaving not sure when, i got so tired of waiting for someday!!!

i started therapy a couple of weeks before i broke up w/h him & i planned it that way i knew it was going to hurt maybe thats what helped.

if you cant afford then go to the library lots of great books that may help, focus on self -esteem this type of situation tends to kill that .

and never even if its your husband or whoever NEVER depend on someone else for anything you are the only person who will never let you down &lately i think you have(let yourself down) by depending on him to help you through your pain knowing you can do this ,

you cant tell me he don't add to your stress my xmm was a nice guy (got really nice before i broke it off w/h him )&he understood he wanted what was best for me he even told me he would rather i go now then end up hating him &towards the end i was very angry inside &holding it in, but i would make comments that weren't me.

he plans on us having a future &says he thinks of this as just a" break ",until he gets separated ,but I'm not holding my breath .

and coming to this board helps me knowing I'm not alone &reading about people i don't want to end up like!!

good luck keep posting it helps

[newby]

thanks lynnered,

i have let myself down i know. i had already let myself down before i met him, was just trying not very successfully to deal with my 2nd major breakdown.

i have done alot of work on myself, i have been learning different types of alternative healing. i am actually qualified to but wont yet do alternative healing on others until i have healed myself. i have believe it or not come a very long way i was in an extremely bad way when it first started. i mean extreeeeeemely bad.

i am at the moment going through a bit of a relapse and not sure if im strong enough to end it yet.

how long has it been nc for you?

[nextel]

The worst thing o/w can do is get involved with a mm when she is having self-esteem issues.

 

You should not need him to make you laugh but need him enhance your existence. You are treading on thin ground when you look for happiness in a married man.