FWB? Summer fling? Actual feeling? Worried it will ruin a great friendship

[odelia]

I've known this guy for 13 years now. We're now turning 28 and went to the same high school and even though now he's lived in another country, we managed to stay in contact (he studied abroad and decided not to come back). We went through a lot with each other by our side, and I consider him one of my best friends. Both him and I have had terrible luck with relationships, and we are both naturally sensitive when it comes to feelings, and we are both at that stage where we're just sticking to casual dates and hook-ups. We like to share our hookup experiences and sometimes we jokingly flirted with each other through texts and video calls but mostly because we know neither of us would take it the wrong way.

 

A couple of months ago the flirting and frequency of exchange became more intense to the point where our friends began to ask if there was something going on and one even suggested we should just start dating because it has become too obvious. I shrugged this off. Then the time came for his regular visit (to see his family, they still live here) and a few days before his visit I asked casually what he had in mind for his trip and he mentioned, "maybe try to get into your pants, haha." I replied with a joke, as usual.

 

Then he arrived, we hung out, etc. Because we were having a really good run and he would only be here for a month, we hung out more intensely than we would normally hang out with friends, and mostly just the two of us. One night he took me out for the entire day, meeting his friends, picking up his sister, ending with dinner and drinks and on the ride home he initiated a hook up, which first startled me, but then I invited him in and I thought, well, what could go wrong, so we made out. The next night we had sex. I figured this was a good sex-with-friends arrangement, and continued on hanging out, constant texts and calls (one of those never-ending conversation that goes on for an entire week), and sex when possible.

 

After about a week he decided to extend his stay, which he said was so he get to see me longer, and asked me to come with him to a weekend trip with a friend and his gf (they had already planned this before as part of his visit). I decided I could use a vacation and went with them. This was when things started to get confusing. We hooked up, yes, and we hung out, but we started to cuddle without the intention of sex, he became really attentive and his tone was different (as a result mine was, too), and there were a few moments of deep stares at each other's eyes that I always take as a hint of something more. I should say I am deeply distrustful of men when it comes to romantic relationships, and I had sort of pushed and pulled without realizing it (he's aware of this). Several times he initiated a serious conversation and I completely shut down, and he backed off. His friend knows we hook up sometimes, but his gf didn't, and she mentioned him seeming really happy that he would extend his visit home, which generally he never enjoy (family stuff).

 

I returned from the trip feeling very confused. I've always loved and cared about him as a person in my life, and generally considered him attractive, but I'm also very moved by the intimacy we had during the trip and it was the most comfortable I've ever been with a guy. I still don't feel like I was ready to jump into a commitment, and the thought of being with him, while i seems nice, would mean a long-distance relationship and I'm afraid it will end up ruining a good, long-running friendship (really one of the best we've had personally).

 

He went for another trip, alone this time (also part of his initial plan), and for the first day or two we kept in constant contact, until the third day he went completely silent and distant. This went on for a few days, throughout which I realized I missed being with him so very greatly and felt very empty. I decided to take the time to think, and planned to talk to him about my confusion, just to clear the air, face-to-face after his trip.

 

Yesterday, still on his trip, he contacted me out of the blue and began talking very sweetly, and I told him I missed our time during the trip, but asked him not to take it the wrong way (I was very confused of my own feelings at this time and I didn't want to lead him on). He got offended and retorted about how "glorious" it must be for me to have good friend and good sex at the same time, and sensing the negative vibe I quickly explained that I just meant I didn't want him to feel obliged to feel the same way and ended up telling him that I was very confused with how I was feeling. After a few seconds he laughed it off, and we started talking normal again, and I decided it was a good time to ask him to clear things up to avoid misunderstandings. He said that while the trip was very nice, he has a life abroad and I have a life here and we should just keep things casual, hanging out as friends and have great sex. I agreed and decided it was best because I couldn't handle anything more than that, for further confusion would just stress me out.

 

He's returning later tonight and we've since back to talking almost non-stop, updating each other and letting each other know what we are up to, if we need to go for a while, what time we will return and call back, etc. It's all very comfortable for me and I can sense that he's most comfortable at this place, too, but I'm beginning to be wary of what this means, and there is an anxiety in the back of my head. I know I don't do this to my other friends (guys or girls) and neither does he, we don't want to commit to each other (mostly because we realize both of us are happier living our own lives in our own cities and neither of us want to ruin that) and also generally both get very protective when it comes to our own feelings and afraid of getting hurt (or hurting each other). I'm also still wondering if the emptiness I felt when we stayed off contact for a few days was just withdrawal symptom or a sign of something else. More than anything I don't want to lose this person and I want him to stay in my life, regardless of labels.

 

He still has three extra weeks here and from the look of things we're just going to keep doing what we were doing before our trip until time comes for him to leave. Can we actually manage to do this and have our friendship intact after? Are we just in self-denial? Were we just caught up in the moment during the trip and now slowly realizing that? We're doing well but every time I remember the intimacy we shared there is a pang in my heart that has little to do with wanting to continue being with him well after his trip ends. I know these questions are supposed to be answered by me myself, but I can use some help and insights. Thanks before.

[ASG]

This is tricky...

 

How possible it is to maintain the friendship is up to the two of you and how non awkward you can make it. Specially after you are not physically together and possibly seeing other people!

 

As soon as he leaves, you need to treat it as over and done with. Don't save yourself for him. Make sure he knows this. You can't pretend to be in a relationship with someone with whom you have no real future with.

 

Other than that... go for it! It is a FWB/Summer fling. There may be some feelings involved, sure, but that will still not make this a proper serious relationship.

 

It's not easy, but it IS possible!

[stillafool]

 

He said that while the trip was very nice, he has a life abroad and I have a

life here and we should just keep things casual, hanging out as friends and have

great sex. I agreed and decided it was best because I couldn't handle anything

more than that, for further confusion would just stress me out.

 

 

You agreed with him on what your relationship should be. When he leaves it's over and you should put this behind you and start dating other people. You can bet he will.