Interesting. Discuss.

[Keenly]

My bad.

 

Someone who has never cheated on their partner is just as CAPABLE of cheating as the person who did it once before.

 

By all means, someone who cheated on every single partner, you can use this as predictor but otherwise, we should really stop judging people on one or two bad choices because NO ONE can pretend they never made at least a few bad choices in their lives

 

And people think the slot machine that just gave out the jackpot will produce another winner too

 

Its all a gamble, and everyone tries to use all the information they can to beat the house.

[Leigh 87]

Well personally, I have been cheated on by a person I dearly loved so I know all about how much it hurts..

 

I just don't think of him as a 'Bad person" or a "bad quality person" because of it.

 

Why not? Because he was a good man in general to people around him, he had a lot of empathy and a big heart.

 

I believe he was selfish, immature and just put his needs first; he needed to have me around as he couldn't bar to be apart from me since I was his mother figure after his mum dies, yet he wasn't into me sexually so needed new vag.....

[Priv]

This thread is going downhill. Look, I am very sorry you went through a rough time and did what you had to do, but you are not going to convince some random strangers on a public forum or IRL you are not promiscuous due to you sleeping with 20something guys in a very short time period up till a few months ago. Because well... you were.

 

 

There are enough female and male posters here with openly promiscuous lifestyles and are at ease with that, so cool. The sad thing is, you are not. You find it traumatizing now you got your head cleared.

 

 

Maybe, if you leave out the value laden words such as clean, skank, honourable, low quality etc.and try to come to terms with that period in your life you would feel al lot better. Whatever you did, you didn't hurt anybody (but yourself unfortunately) and did what you had to do at that time.

 

 

ps. I believe you just had a ****ty period in your life and screwed around a lot and are now a far cry from what you were a last year.

[Leigh 87]

And people think the slot machine that just gave out the jackpot will produce another winner too

 

Its all a gamble, and everyone tries to use all the information they can to beat the house.

 

 

 

I do wonder though...

 

My ex probably never told his new gf that he cheated on me hundreds of time and slept with many hookers whilst with me.

 

I don't think he is a bad person but yeah, it doesn't sit right with me how guys like him omit that information.

 

She is a good 19 year old apparently, she is also dead against hookers he told me back when we once spoke, months back.

 

Had she known this would she have chosen him? She is also a model. With a good career. She has options.

 

You may not like me but at least I am honest to my partners. I tell them I slept around. They know the ugly and the good side to me.

[passion_flower]

I'm a bit confused as to why you want constant validation for your personal opinions/life choices from strangers on the internet?

[Candy_Pants]

You think your vagina was the reason he cheated, repeatedly??

[KungFuJoe]

Yeah but I would feel like punching someone in the face if say, they found out and they blurted out " well how does it feel being a skank?"

 

 

I would be like.. wtf? How am I a skank right here and now?

 

 

Plus it traumatized me so much I needed therapy because it was alien to me, hence it is very weird for people to assume I am likely to do it again.

 

Someone that would judge you on that doesn't even deserve a second's thought from you. Discard them from your life and move on.

 

And so what if you did it again?

 

Let me ask you this. While you were doing it...did you enjoy it? The sex itself? Was the only "bad" part was you beating yourself up over it after the fact?

[Leigh 87]

This thread is going downhill. Look, I am very sorry you went through a rough time and did what you had to do, but you are not going to convince some random strangers on a public forum or IRL you are not promiscuous due to you sleeping with 20something guys in a very short time period up till a few months ago. Because well... you were.

 

 

There are enough female and male posters here with openly promiscuous lifestyles and are at ease with that, so cool. The sad thing is, you are not. You find it traumatizing now you got your head cleared.

 

 

Maybe, if you leave out the value laden words such as clean, skank, honourable, low quality etc.and try to come to terms with that period in your life you would feel al lot better. Whatever you did, you didn't hurt anybody (but yourself unfortunately) and did what you had to do at that time.

 

 

ps. I believe you just had a ****ty period in your life and screwed around a lot and are now a far cry from what you were a last year.

 

 

 

 

Yes it did hurt myself very much. I had to spend 150 on therapy sessions as I was not eligible for anymore cheap sessions.

 

Showing a guy my.... private side is a ... special thing for me, and it honestly sickens me that I gave myself up to men who didn't... really earn me and who didn't truly care for me.

 

I am not currently promiscuous that is the thing. And I never was before I slept around.

[Leigh 87]

Someone that would judge you on that doesn't even deserve a second's thought from you. Discard them from your life and move on.

 

And so what if you did it again?

 

Let me ask you this. While you were doing it...did you enjoy it? The sex itself? Was the only "bad" part was you beating yourself up over it after the fact?

 

 

 

No.

 

I went and vomited in a guys flowerpot after a ONS. I felt ill that I let him have sex with me without even knowing me.

 

I never orgasmed and I never got aroused, they could barely ...carry things out due to me not being, you know.....

 

I was depressed about losing an ex and I tried to forget about him.

 

I then had to pay out of pocket for multiple therapy sessions and live on noodles, literally noodles only, for a month or two and I am now feeling quiet ill these days..... therapy swapped for nutrition......

 

I was brought up privileged on home cooked meals every single day...... I was pretty desperate for therapy in order for me to accept a diet staple of noodles.... chicken noodles... chicken and corn noodles with tomato sauce:sick:

 

My therapist seems to think the sex was self harm and self sabotage because I felt worthless that my ex cheated on me so many times.

 

Anyway I am fine now, I just talk to her to help me deal with any flashbacks.

[Priv]

Doing a bad deed, such as selling your body for money, doesn't mean your day to day acts are low quality and in fact, these women who do this could very well be more intelligent than you and more empathetic and kind than you are?

 

Doing one bad deed doesn't mean what you are doing for the vast majority of your life is also low quality.

 

How can one be branded low quality, when the way in which they live their loves CURRENTLY is honourable?

 

You are the sort of person who thinks "well, people screw up once, they will never be a decent quality person after that no matter how nice they are"

 

^^^^ That is called being judgmental and well, that isn't nice.

 

 

Nude modelling is a profession and not a bad deed with consent. The 'low quality' in it is that unless she told her now husband it is a 20 year long lie there living as he might have broken it up knowing the truth.

[Grumpybutfun]

Leigh, the point is that people are fallible. We all do things we aren't proud of and if we are judged for them, we just have to think about our quality of life as reflects on our self values rather than what value others assign us. You throw around the term "low quality" as though it is a concrete idea, but the truth is that people assign their values very differently. Nude modeling to me isn't sexual or "low quality" but telling lies, cheating or gossiping is low quality. See, we all differ on how we assign things.

 

You seem to have some guilt and shame about that period in your life where you were vulnerable and made some bad choices, and your posts reflect that shame. I think the question you need to ask yourself is what is lacking inside of you to make you value the judgments or opinions of others more than your own knowledge of what propelled those questionable behaviors. You assign a high value on pureness in sexuality but I don't. Sexuality isn't something we need to squash, IMHO, in order to be moral and good people.

 

A woman's virtue or lack thereof are antiquated ideas based on religious doctrine, sociological conditioning and self righteousness. Be safe, be honest with yourself and others and live your life with purpose and kindness. Those to me are the important things. Your blip when you were vulnerable doesn't define you as long as you don't allow it to.

 

When I was a single man, young and trying to find myself, going through some deep psychological and sociological issues due to my rough childhood, I found comfort in sleeping with women, losing myself in their warmth and softness for a while. I was always honest about my intentions though so to me we shared something very sweet and sometimes a little rough and dirty. I assure you people in my real life don't see the boy I was, but the man I am now. Discretion and self respect and learning from the vulnerable moments in our lives go a long way in softening the questionable choices in our past. Be present, be aware and look forward. Stop craning your head around to judging your past and build your life now the way you want it to be.

 

You said you are a different woman now, and that is excellent because it means you overcame your vulnerable stage and now you are living your authentic life, so stop feeling shame and guilt for something you would rather forget and be more compassionate and kind to yourself.

 

We are all a myriad of choices, a receptacle of vulnerabilities and experience. Have the knowledge that everyone who judges you or others are only holding up mirrors to their own life in order to better live with their own vulnerabilities or bad choices...in other words, people want to see weakness so they can feel better about their own lives.

 

You are okay, nothing you did was beyond the pale, what you do now that you know what you can live with is what you need to focus on. People will judge me everyday, but I am the one who assigns value to their opinion...needless to say, I am not moved by the masses, but only interested in my wife and children's opinion and they know that I am trying really hard to be a good man.

Best,

Grumps

[KungFuJoe]

No.

 

I went and vomited in a guys flowerpot after a ONS. I felt ill that I let him have sex with me without even knowing me.

 

I never orgasmed and I never got aroused, they could barely ...carry things out due to me not being, you know.....

 

I was depressed about losing an ex and I tried to forget about him.

 

I then had to pay out of pocket for multiple therapy sessions and live on noodles, literally noodles only, for a month or two and I am now feeling quiet ill these days..... therapy swapped for nutrition......

 

I was brought up privileged on home cooked meals every single day...... I was pretty desperate for therapy in order for me to accept a diet staple of noodles.... chicken noodles... chicken and corn noodles with tomato sauce:sick:

 

My therapist seems to think the sex was self harm and self sabotage because I felt worthless that my ex cheated on me so many times.

 

Anyway I am fine now, I just talk to her to help me deal with any flashbacks.

 

Well, I'm sorry you went through that. But you were in a bad place.

 

Trust me, I've done some **** that I'm not proud of when I was getting over my first ex. I still cringe a little when I think about it, but that was a LONG time ago and it's a faded memory at this point.

 

But you gotta let it go. It doesn't define WHO you are.

[Leigh 87]

Well, I'm sorry you went through that. But you were in a bad place.

 

Trust me, I've done some **** that I'm not proud of when I was getting over my first ex. I still cringe a little when I think about it, but that was a LONG time ago and it's a faded memory at this point.

 

But you gotta let it go. It doesn't define WHO you are.

 

 

 

I hope I forget about it as it is harmful for me to recount incidents I immensely disliked.

 

I guess that is my issue with people.... when one guy I told it to said " wow why didn't you tell me this before I fall in love with you, I wanted a good person, a loyal partner who didn't want to sleep around on me"

 

I was outraged, he has no idea how much I disliked sleeping around, why in the hell does he think I EVER want to put myself through that again:sick:

 

Many conservative guys I know don't have an issue with what I did though funnily enough, as they basically say that " well I just don't see any signs that u would want to get around so much again, especially since you disliked it so much"

 

As for my friends? Well we have all found lovely guys who don't mind our pasts, oh wait.. my friends husband of 20 years doesn't know about her... nude work that one time:o

[ThaWholigan]

Leigh, I'm going to tell you something I have told a number of posters here.

 

Whether you are proud of your past or not, regarding amount of sex, who with etc. People are going to judge you. They will call you low quality for all kinds of things or judge you negatively in a variety of ways. At the end of the day, as upsetting as it is (and I know it is upsetting and angering), you just have to accept it and tell them to eat a dick and die. Try not to be so attached to other people's image of you otherwise you will continue to either beat yourself up or you will continue to come here and mount futile challenges to other people's opinions that will never change.

 

As much as I feel sympathy and try to defend people who feel victimized by other people's negative and sometimes unnecessarily harsh opinions, at times people victimize themselves by succumbing to these judgements and even end up believing them and disgusting themselves.

 

Accept your past, and accept that people will judge you for your past and sometimes negatively. Whether it's warranted or not, people are going to do so. People suck like that . Don't spend so much time fighting it - it's a losing battle.

[GoreSP]

And people think the slot machine that just gave out the jackpot will produce another winner too

 

Its all a gamble, and everyone tries to use all the information they can to beat the house.

 

Last time I checked, people weren't machines...

[Keenly]

Last time I checked, people weren't machines...

 

Analogies are not comparisons.

[Quiet Storm]

First, since the OP is talking about women, I will apply my post to women. However, men are also judged on their pasts. I would say not as much for sex, but for addictions, employment issues, education level, past crimes, poor choices in past relationships ("baby daddies").

 

I don't think most people automatically assume people who make mistakes are "bad people" who will never change. However, those actions did happen, and the past is considered by many people.

 

Most banks won't loan money for a house if a person went on a credit card binge five years ago & couldn't pay their bills. A speeding ticket or an accident from three years ago will increase our insurance premiums. Prospective employers do background checks. We vet our babysitters/ nannies/ dog walkers. We have online lists of prior sex offenders.

 

My sister is a sweet woman with a good heart, but due to her past alcohol and mental health issues, she will never be responsible for my children in any way, shape or form. No matter how good she is doing at the moment. It is not to be spiteful and she may think it's unfair, but that is just a risk I am not willing to take. I value my children to much to do that.

 

The fact is, people value their futures. When they are looking for a life partner & future mother of their children, they want to choose carefully. While that specific women may KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that she will be a great & loving wife, the men have no way to predict that. So they use the info available in order to do a risk/benefit analysis. It doesn't surprise me that some aren't willing to give the benefit of the doubt when it comes to things they deeply value- such as their relationships or futures. They would rather go with the safer bet. And no matter how much you say or prove "She's changed!", some will still view them as more risky than a woman without that kind of past.

 

I think many men acknowledge there is a good possibility that women with "pasts" have changed and would NEVER cheat. But that doesn't mean they are willing to risk their futures on it. They feel that they have less risk with a person that never did those things... just like a bank would prefer to do a mortgage for people with good credit and insurance companies give the best prices to drivers with no tickets.

 

Most men are logical & pragmatic. Their thought process would likely be "Why take a risk with her, when there are other women without that history?" When I was a teen, my dad told me "It's just as easy to find a rich guy as it is a poor guy". He was being pragmatic (in his own way), and not even considering any emotional connection or attraction that I might have for a poor guy (or my ability to get rich on my own). He struggled financially, and he didn't want me to live that life. This logic is similar to guys who witnessed their parents marriage issues, had friends whose GFs cheated, had brothers with self destructive wives due to low self worth, etc. They want to mitigate their risk. "Why start something with this woman that cheated on her boyfriend, when I can just find someone who hasn't?"

 

I do understand that people with a "past" feel judged and unfairly targeted, but the fact remains that when we cheat, or pose nude, or commit a crime, or ruin our credit, or do drugs.... we are shrinking our future pool of possible partners. That's just reality, and people should live their lives with that in mind (if they care about being judged).

 

I think many young women do not understand how their actions can affect the interest level of future partners. I think some of it has to do with poor parenting. Many people don't teach their kids to be accountable and don't give their kids consequences. In the adult world, you can't just say "Sorry. It was a mistake." and be given a clean slate. Kids should be taught "what I do now, will affect my future". Granted, many won't have the maturity to grasp that yet, but parents should model it and enforce consequences. Be real with their kids -YES, PEOPLE WILL JUDGE YOU. I tell my kids, whatever you do, be prepared to stand by your actions- or else choose not to care what other people think.

 

I think many young women live life not caring about what other people think. They live in the moment, and enjoy casual sex, and may cheat on some boyfriends, and pose for sexy pics. At that moment in time, they think "Who cares what people think! I'm having fun! I'm happy! I'm enjoying life. If you don't like it, eff off!". But when years go by and they have trouble finding a serious relationship, THEN they hate being judged. Then they say it's unfair. Some women seem shocked, as if they had no clue at all that guys would ever judge these kinds of things. I think as a parent, its our job to prepare our kids for the real world.

 

There are many people that give people with "pasts" a chance. Many people will consider their actions since then, their age at the time, how they feel about it now, the intensity of their feelings for that person, etc. But unfortunately, there is no guarantee of that.

[KungFuJoe]

Quiet Storm,

 

You can't lump in being promiscuous with being unfaithful.

 

They aren't even in the same hemisphere. NO relation to one another. AT all.

[ThaWholigan]

Quiet Storm,

 

You can't lump in being promiscuous with being unfaithful.

 

They aren't even in the same hemisphere. NO relation to one another. AT all.

The point I think she's making is that most people will make that link whether there's a relation or not.

[KungFuJoe]

The point I think she's making is that most people will make that link whether there's a relation or not.

 

Not exactly.

 

Read her last few paragraphs...there's definitely a "tone" of casual sex is BAD and you WILL be judged on it and it's your fault (and parents) if you do.

[Keenly]

Not exactly.

 

Read her last few paragraphs...there's definitely a "tone" of casual sex is BAD and you WILL be judged on it and it's your fault (and parents) if you do.

 

Um... yes?

 

If you choose to do something, you are responsible for the consequences of it. Societal shame is one of those consequences.

[KungFuJoe]

Um... yes?

 

If you choose to do something, you are responsible for the consequences of it. Societal shame is one of those consequences.

 

I don't think you understand what I'm talking about.

[Keenly]

I don't think you understand what I'm talking about.

 

I understand completely, but if you feel the need to explain your thoughts, I encourage it.

[KungFuJoe]

I understand completely, but if you feel the need to explain your thoughts, I encourage it.

 

I'm tired of repeating myself over and over again (not to you, but to this forum)

 

Look...you're going to get judged by a lot of things in your lifetime. Things you do...things you don't even do.

 

You can't live your life worried about how others are going to see you. As long as you aren't hurting anyone else, what you do is your own business and anyone who judges you on that can go fly a kite (nice way of saying what I really mean).

[TXGuy]

WHY do people so readily assume girls who do these things [cheat three times] are bad people?

 

Those women moved on from their deviant ways and were totally devoted wives and never strayed.

 

I would never commit, or continue to commit, to a woman who cheated on me three times. She would not deserve my commitment. Luckily for your friend, not all men feel the same way.

 

As far as 'never strayed since', how could one be really sure. A cheater is likely to be a liar as well. She probably 'doesn't count' xyz (out of town on busi see, what she did because hubby was 'really mean to her that time', etc.