sillysausage1 Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 Not sure if this belongs here, but im unsure where else to post... Im 25, currently unemployed and in counseling for depression/anxiety, so I don't know if my anxious state of mind is making me feel worse than I should. Some background- with my current BF for just over 4 years now. Im consumed with guilt at the moment for an incident that happened in the first 6 months of our relationship. I was drunk, alone at a party without my BF, and kissed a now ex-friend, let's call him Ben. Awful, stupid, horrible mistake, I know it shouldn't have happened and I feel terrible still, all this time later. My BF knows about the kiss. I told him the next day and he forgave me. All good, right? Wrong! My current troubles started a few months ago, my sister ran into Ben. They hadn't seen each other for years, he asked about me, and commented on how things ended between us, and my sister told me the conversation. Then things started really playing on my mind, should I have told my BF more details of what happened that night? He only asked for the bare bones of the story, so I didn't tell him about how long I had known Ben for, before the kiss happened. On the night of the event, we were both drunk, Ben was telling me how much he liked me, he kissed me, I kissed back for about ten seconds then walked away in disgust. But what really is tearing me up inside, is a few months previous to the night of the actual kiss, me and Ben had almost kissed, but didn't! At the time, I had already met and slept with my current BF, but we were not together and had made no commitment to each other. Ben didn't kiss me that night because he said he didn't want to hurt my ex (who he was friends with). Tbh, I think that time I only was going to kiss him in order to hurt my ex. Also, I was drunk (not an excuse, just context). I was very emotionally unstable at that time. I can see that in retrospect I didn't really like Ben that much. I never told my current BF about this incident as I was single at the time and Ben really didn't mean that much to me. It was a spur of the moment thing that really meant nothing. I'm not proud of it, but at the time I didn't know that anything concrete was going to happen with my now-BF. The only problem was, when we met up at the party a few months later, Ben brought up that incident, told me he liked me after all and that's how we ended up kissing. So, 4 years later, I'm going through all this stuff in my head. I would've handled everything totally differently if it had happened recently. In one way, it seems so irrelevant, I love my current BF totally and have never had any incident happen since that time. I cut all contact with Ben after the kiss and have not spoken to him in years. If he dropped off the face of the earth tomoro, I couldn't care less because he means nothing to me, and never did, really. I was just an unbelievably stupid naive 21-year-old. I hate feeling like this stupid incident is clouding my perfect relationship with my BF who I adore. The reason I'm posting the self-improvement section is that my therapist thinks I'm using this incident to beat myself up and keep myself unhappy, in the past. I don't know- should I forgive myself or go over everything in detail with my BF? I tried to talk to him about it recently and he just shut down and said he didn't want to be reminded of it and to just let it go- but should he know more? any advice welcome! Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 It wasa drunken immature mistake. Lots of people make them. You told your BF back then & he forgave you. Forgeiveness dosen't have expiration dates. That incident was 4 years ago. Let it go already. If you don't have something current to beat yourself up about & have to dredge up what should have been long forgotten BS, consider this: maybe your life is good & you should be happy. You have spent so much time beating yourself up, you forgot it's OK for things to be good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sillysausage1 Posted April 23, 2014 Author Share Posted April 23, 2014 Thanks so much for your replies! I agree wholeheartedly with your therapist. Your post gave me a heavy feeling. Yes you need to forgive yourself and find a way to stop carrying around heavy burdens. Thank you, your post made me feel so much better. That is exactly how I feel, like I'm carrying a burden around that is probably unnecessary. The funny thing is, I know in a way it is irrational, but I don't know how to stop going over it in my head. My BF is so perfect, I'm so happy with him, so I'm afraid of anything potentially ruining it, even something from the past. It wasa drunken immature mistake. Lots of people make them. You told your BF back then & he forgave you. Forgeiveness dosen't have expiration dates. That incident was 4 years ago. Let it go already. If you don't have something current to beat yourself up about & have to dredge up what should have been long forgotten BS, consider this: maybe your life is good & you should be happy. You have spent so much time beating yourself up, you forgot it's OK for things to be good. Thank you very much- that gave me food for thought, and is pretty much what my therapist said. I suppose my sister running into Ben spurred on a lot of this. I've moved back to my home town (where he lives) for financial reasons, and I s'pose I had pretty much forgotten he existed and got on with my life... I guess I'm just afraid of him somehow being in a social setting around me and my BF (unlikely, since they live in different towns completely!) and things being awkward... I think most of the guilt doesn't even stem from the kiss itself, but the fact my BF doesn't know ( or didn't want to know) all of the details surrounding the kiss, especially the ''almost kiss'' a few months prior, when we weren't even properly together... but I guess the only person putting any meaning or significance on that incident is myself... I just wish I'd told him everything at the time, instead of worrying about it now! Thanks again for your replies, I feel slightly less crazy now! Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 Your boyfriend isn't perfect. He just doesn't disclose his imperfections and dwell on them. Learn from his example. You can't undo the past but you can learn from it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sillysausage1 Posted April 23, 2014 Author Share Posted April 23, 2014 Your boyfriend isn't perfect. He just doesn't disclose his imperfections and dwell on them. Learn from his example. You can't undo the past but you can learn from it. Thanks for your response. I s'pose I didn't look at the situation from that angle, but he does seem perfect to me well, at least he has never done anything as bad as what I've done. I guess I can take some comfort in learning from that mistake- it actually led to me getting rid of a lot of negative people in my life ( friends that were actually at the party when the kiss happened who told me not to even tell my BF about it- great idea! ) I know never to put myself in a situation like that again- and recognize when people are ****-stirring, in order to ruin the relationships of others ( I feel 'Ben' would be in that category!) It's just doing my head in that I feel I've not been as honest as I could've been, but your replies have made me feel a bit better. I guess there is no point in bringing up the past with my BF, especially as he didn't seem all that concerned about the kiss in the first place. Guilt is a terrible thing! Link to post Share on other sites
Targetlock Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 guilt is a horrible thing and you need to finally let it go because it is pulling you down and then you move forward with your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sillysausage1 Posted April 24, 2014 Author Share Posted April 24, 2014 Thank you. I fully expected to come on here and get loads of replies saying how terrible I am and how I should go over it all again with my BF. Does anybody think I should rehash it all with him? I think the consensus seems to be to let it go! I can't seem to shake the feeling that im lying or deceiving my BF... even though when I look at it logically bringing it up again would probably do more harm than good... perhaps its best to let it go? Link to post Share on other sites
learning_slowly Posted April 24, 2014 Share Posted April 24, 2014 As long as it was only a kiss, you have nothing to worry about. You also said the intention wasn't there. Seems strange that you'd worry so much over a kiss? Even if it was more, I would stay quiet if you love your BF. The only person who would feel better would be you from offloading your guilt. Link to post Share on other sites
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