What did I do to make him cheat on me?

[HopefulAsh]

Hi, First post here.

 

My ex boyfriend spent our entire relationship cheating on me. We were together almost four years years. This might be a little long, but I am going to try and keep it short. It's been a month since I found out, and he moved out.

 

I liked him for a long time, and so when he finally seemed interested in me, I asked him out. As we got close, I decided I would do everything I could to make him happy. Not only because I really liked him but because he seemed bitter from his previous marriage.

 

When we moved in together, I made sure to keep our sex life good. I never once denied him sex. It was something he complained his ex did all the time. I tried different things for him all the time just to keep it exciting. I did whatever I could to spice things up at home.

 

I got home before him, so I always made sure he had dinner waiting for him. I made sure he had a good lunch everyday to take in to work. On weekends sometimes I would bring him breakfast in bed. I get up early everyday to run, so when I got back from my runs, I made us breakfast. He liked sleeping in really late.

 

His job was physical and stressful, so I always massaged him at night and I always made sure I was there to listen if he needed me to. I gave him advice when he wanted. Any time he wanted to vent about anything, I would listen.

 

In short, I did everything I could think of to make him happy. But apparently I wasn't a good enough girlfriend. I was never clingy or anything either. I let him do his own thing when he wanted, and I did my own thing. We did things together as a couple, but we both had our own sets of friends and we hung out with them. I never nagged at him about some of his late nights that he frequently had.

 

It's been a month, and he's told me a few times: "It's not you, it's me." but everyone knows what that means when someone says that. It was me. I did something that made him cheat on me. I wish he could tell me so I know not to make the same mistake again.

 

He slept with a lot girls apparently. When he was having his "boys" night. He was actually hooking up with women from bars. I guess he went for the young ones like early 20s. He's 36 and I am 27.

 

I only found out because his brother caught him at a bar with one of the girls. His brother always liked me, so he thought I had the right to know and so he told me. When I confronted my ex about it, he told me everything.

 

Since he was just sleeping around, maybe I wasn't giving him as much sex as he wanted? I thought I have him a lot, but maybe not. Maybe I am bad in bed, or a bad cook or a lousy girlfriend.

 

This was my first relationship, so maybe it was because of that? He didn't seem to mind when we met that I had no experience. I didn't have much time before I met him to get in relationships. Also, I know it sounds like insecurity but I am not beautiful. I wouldn't say I am ugly at all, but I am definitely not model looks. His brother told me the girl he saw him with was an extremely beautiful young lady. So maybe he no longer felt attracted to me? I kept myself thin but my face isn't the prettiest.

 

Do you think it's maybe because I tried too hard to make him happy? Maybe that came off as annoying or something? I just didn't really know how to act in a relationship since it was honestly my first. I didn't date in High School or anything. He was my first for everything other then kisses.

Edited April 28, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[d0nnivain]

You didn't make him cheat on you. He chose to cheat on you. It was some sort of ego boost for him. It had nothing to do with you or how you were as his GF even though you are the one who got hurt.

 

 

The only thing you did "wrong" was date a jerk.

[HopefulAsh]

That's what a lot of people have told me. However, I just feel people don't cheat unless something is wrong in the relationship. And considering this was my first one, it makes me feel it was me. He had a long dating history before me, and he was even married.

[Omei]

That's what a lot of people have told me. However, I just feel people don't cheat unless something is wrong in the relationship. And considering this was my first one, it makes me feel it was me. He had a long dating history before me, and he was even married.

 

You still had nothing to do with it unhappy people talk and end relationships.

 

The type of people that cheat dont have much concern or respect for you to begin with to properly end it.

 

Yes the only thing you're at fault for is dating a jerk.

[Treasa]

Ash, you sound like a beautiful, lovely, intelligent, caring young woman. I think any man in his right mind would be ecstatic to be with you.

 

You probably won't learn this until you're older, but there's nothing wrong with you. You are awesome, your ex is a complete and totally idiotic loser, and he's right. It was him, not you.

 

Someday you'll have a ton of confidence in yourself. It takes time for women. I wasn't truly confident until my mid-30s.

 

This guy, despite being a good number of years older than you, sounds really immature. You can do SO much better, sweetie. I promise.

 

One thing to keep in mind is that he's likely not being faithful to anyone else. So it really has nothing to do with you.

Edited April 28, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Treasa]

That's what a lot of people have told me. However, I just feel people don't cheat unless something is wrong in the relationship. And considering this was my first one, it makes me feel it was me. He had a long dating history before me, and he was even married.

 

People cheat because they have serious character flaws. There's no other reason. Any emotionally mature person would break up with the person they were with if they weren't happy. If someone cheats and then lies about it, that person is just a dumbass.

[todreaminblue]

Trying hard to make someone happy is never a flaw.....its nurturing and special......as another poster said...he was a jerk...i would add with commitment issues....wouldn't matter if it were you or another woman, probably he would cheat..you are not the issue....

 

who knows why he has the issue or why he cheated.....maybe he has a bad experience in his past that made him that way....maybe he believes the grass is greener on the other side of the road...its not you...its him....you need someone who will try their very best to make you happy who cares about your well being and is a nurturer like you

 

 

you need a guy with the same values as you the same commitment level as you he just wasn't the one who was right for you...so dont hate him for not being right for you or think about it..definitely dont think that you are the issue...forgive him because you are a special person ....... never doubt what you have to give just find the guy who appreciates the gift that you have...you are that gift..and if ever he comes back when you find happiness with the guy who is right for you.....wish him well ...hugs....deb

Edited April 24, 2014 by todreaminblue

[HopefulAsh]

Thanks for the kind words. It's just something that's been really bothering me. Part of the reason why I signed up on a message board. I was googling reasons people cheat, and then I ended up finding this forum for some reason.

 

I think I am still in a lot of shock. It only happened a month ago, and I've just been keeping myself busy by working overtime and everything. It's my condo, but I still feel uncomfortable being here sometimes. One of my friends has been trying to get me back out into the dating game already, but I don't feel like I am ready for another relationship for a while. Not after my first one ended that way. I think that's another reason why I feel this way.

 

I just have to wonder how long he would have kept this up. I also wonder if maybe he was trying to freeload off me since he didn't really have to pay bills here. He only had to worry about his car and then any mutual bills we had. But he doesn't make much money, and his divorce was expensive I guess. I'm not rich, but I make decent enough money and I have a bit of an inheritance. Kind of makes me feel sick wondering if that was the reason he was even interested in me.

[No Limit]

It's not something you do. It's something they do.

 

Being betrayed in the most perfect way can be a shock, especially if it's the very first time betrayal is faced in life. But the shock wears off, just don't let it grow into anxiety when entering new relationships with good people.

[HopefulAsh]

Yes, that's actually something I am going to have to be very careful about. I have social anxiety. It's been getting better, especially ever since I met him. It was the first time I've felt so confident with myself. I am different from the person I was four/five years ago when it comes to that. I think that's why my friends have been trying to get me back into the dating game so quickly. I don't think they want me to relapse back into the girl I used to be.

[soniathompsonward]

HE CHOOSE to cheat on you. You are not the one to blame here. Come on ! Be strong and move on !

[HopefulAsh]

Please don't lose faith in finding a good man. I hate to see such a thing happen to an innocent girl. Live a good life, and he will regret that he ever did this to you.

 

Whatever you do, don't take him back. Good luck

Thank you. Oddly enough for me to see the bolded part today. He sent me a text this morning asking me if we can talk. I sent a text back telling him that if he thinks we will talk about getting back together, he can forget it. He said that isn't it at all, he just wants to tell me something. He wants us to meet at the Tim Hortons by my place tomorrow when he's done work. I haven't decided if I am going to or not. I don't know why be can't tell me whatever it is by the phone, or why he waited a month. I didn't think I'd hear from him again. I wasn't planning to talk to him again.

[mrs rubble]

Do not take him back!!

Under any circumstances!!

 

It sounds to me like he's a serial cheat- he told you his wife didn't give him enough sex, I bet ya he was out fooling around on her too.

It sounds like you were a great catch and I bet he's going to try anything he can to get you back! Please resist.

He's a cheat. He's not got a lot going on for himself financially. His hairline is probably going to recede at any moment too. Let this player go for good, there's someone much much better out there for you!!

[HopefulAsh]

No, I definitely won't take him back. I have never been the type pf person who lets someone betray me more than once. I haven't even spoken to a friend since we were 15 because she stabbed me in the back. And it's been 12 years, and she was a teen at the time it happened. She's apologized and I've told her it's fine, but I still don't want her in my life.

 

I'm still curious about what he has to say though. I accepted to talk to him, but I told him again that if he is trying to get me back then to forget it. He said it has nothing to do with that, but he does have to talk to me about something and he wants me to hear it from him and not someone else.

[HopefulAsh]

Turns out if his brother had never caught him cheating, I'd have found out anyway more than likely. The girl he was seeing behind my back (the one his brother saw him with) is pregnant. Somehow I had a feeling that was going to be the case when he told me that he wanted me to hear from him, not someone else. I get the feeling if his brother hadn't told me, he would have dumped me. One thing he was never happy with me about was that I don't want kids. He kept telling me I was selfish for not wanting kids our entire relationship. And he kept telling me I'd change my mind because I am young. Maybe that was his reason for doing it.

[No Limit]

Then it's plain stupidity that made him cheat. You were clear and honest about the relationship, said you never wanted kids. He didn't believe it for some reason and signed up anyway.

 

It's like people ordering a pizza when they wanted ice cream; it's not what they wanted it to be even though it said so firsthand.

 

Guess you just fell for a pretty dumb guy, be glad he's gone now. We'll see how happy he is about kids in a few months.

[ThatGirl213]

Turns out if his brother had never caught him cheating, I'd have found out anyway more than likely. The girl he was seeing behind my back (the one his brother saw him with) is pregnant. Somehow I had a feeling that was going to be the case when he told me that he wanted me to hear from him, not someone else. I get the feeling if his brother hadn't told me, he would have dumped me. One thing he was never happy with me about was that I don't want kids. He kept telling me I was selfish for not wanting kids our entire relationship. And he kept telling me I'd change my mind because I am young. Maybe that was his reason for doing it.

 

OP....I know you want closure but trying to find fault with yourself for your ex's cheating isn't going to help you move on at all. I know you will wonder about his cheating for months. Maybe for a year or two. And then you will realize it was never your fault. He cheated because he wanted to. If he was sincerely looking towards having a child, he would have broken up with you before he even tried to get a girl pregnant. He is a jackass for cheating on a good woman. What's wrong with not wanting a child? I am 25. All my teenage years and early 20s, I wanted to have children. Now after babysitting a few, I don't want children. It is choice. A lot of men do not want children for their own personal reasons. You did not lie to him that you wanted kids and then after he invested his feelings on you, you denied him kids.

 

I know how you feel. I have been in your exact same situation except no one got pregnant. I took my ex back several times and tried to do what I could to have him be faithful to me but he never did. I have wondered why he cheated on me for several months post BU and even during the multiple chances I gave him. I thought it was me all along. Then I realized it was never me. My ex cheated because he wanted to. Because he has self esteem issues. He is needy and jumps from one relationship to the next. It's like these men had a major heartbreak in their lives and they feel entitled to do whatever they want and hurt everyone who fall in love with them.

 

I know you will get past it but it may take awhile. More over you have your own job, money, condo and everything you need. You are independent. He was like a parasite, just feeding off of you. Wish him good luck with his new baby mamma. Won't be long before he realizes that he had a really good woman. I can guarantee you that.

 

They say your first break up hurts the most. Probably why you feel like this. Try your best not to be too bitter about it and please don't let the next good man who comes along suffer for your ex's actions.

Edited May 3, 2014 by ThatGirl213