Boundaries and the risk of crossing them

[gabsworld]

A year ago I met a wonderful man through mutual friends. He and I started dating after talking and texting for a month or so. We became really close and then one day out of the blue with no warning; he calls wanting to see me before he moved back to his home state. I was absolutely devastated because even though our courtship was short, I had fallen in love with him, or so I thought.

 

The whole time he was in his home state we spoke everyday. I was hoping he would return and 2 months later he came back. He returned a different person. The day he returned I knew something wasn't right, he acted as if he didn't want to see me even though we kept our relationship going at a distance. He made it a point to blow me off after making plans to see each other, and eventually cut our relationship off all together. I realized at that time that not seeing him after those 2 months away that my feelings had changed.

 

A month passed and we ran across one another and became really great friends. Well that friendship turned into benefits that led to my falling in love with him. I knew it was all going too fast because he failed to initiate anything outside of the bedroom. I backed off and we stopped because of my feelings. We were still close but without the sex. I began living my life, and he began living his. We could talk about each others experience without getting jealous, and offer support when things went badly like friends do. This lasted about 6 months and I really enjoyed our friendship.

 

A week ago he was having some pain and I told him to go to the doctor, but he refused and insisted that it would go away. Later that morning at about 1 a.m. he called me stating that he was having severe abdominal pain and didn't know where to go or what to do. I called his friend next door and advised him that my friend needed to go to the hospital. (We live an hour away from one another). He took him and through out the whole time he was calling me on his condition. My friend got on the phone and I could tell he was pretty bad by the sound of his voice and the way he was in tears. I knew then that I loved this man more than anything and didn't want to lose him. Through thunderstorms and hail at 2 am, I was there within 30 minutes and rushed to him before I knew it. Turned out he had a kidney stone. Lol.

 

A few days ago I could feel the change between us, a good change. He explained that he had been so stupid to look over me as a partner, that someone that cared about him so much and he failed to realize it was crazy, but he's afraid of being hurt and not sure if he's ready for commitment. (His ex-wife of 13 years left him for another man).

 

After a year of dating, to friends, to nothing, to friends, and now balancing between friends and this closeness that is obviously more than just friends as we've both said, I don't know how to approach it. I don't want to push the affection, and I don't want to act as if I don't care so I let him initiate the touching, kissing, and the affection. I can tell it's different now, but I don't want to cross a boundary that will scare him away again. How do I approach this topic with him? Or do I at all? Does this sound like he's sincere? I'm just so confused as of what to do now.

[todreaminblue]

A year ago I met a wonderful man through mutual friends. He and I started dating after talking and texting for a month or so. We became really close and then one day out of the blue with no warning; he calls wanting to see me before he moved back to his home state. I was absolutely devastated because even though our courtship was short, I had fallen in love with him, or so I thought.

 

The whole time he was in his home state we spoke everyday. I was hoping he would return and 2 months later he came back. He returned a different person. The day he returned I knew something wasn't right, he acted as if he didn't want to see me even though we kept our relationship going at a distance. He made it a point to blow me off after making plans to see each other, and eventually cut our relationship off all together. I realized at that time that not seeing him after those 2 months away that my feelings had changed.

 

A month passed and we ran across one another and became really great friends. Well that friendship turned into benefits that led to my falling in love with him. I knew it was all going too fast because he failed to initiate anything outside of the bedroom. I backed off and we stopped because of my feelings. We were still close but without the sex. I began living my life, and he began living his. We could talk about each others experience without getting jealous, and offer support when things went badly like friends do. This lasted about 6 months and I really enjoyed our friendship.

 

A week ago he was having some pain and I told him to go to the doctor, but he refused and insisted that it would go away. Later that morning at about 1 a.m. he called me stating that he was having severe abdominal pain and didn't know where to go or what to do. I called his friend next door and advised him that my friend needed to go to the hospital. (We live an hour away from one another). He took him and through out the whole time he was calling me on his condition. My friend got on the phone and I could tell he was pretty bad by the sound of his voice and the way he was in tears. I knew then that I loved this man more than anything and didn't want to lose him. Through thunderstorms and hail at 2 am, I was there within 30 minutes and rushed to him before I knew it. Turned out he had a kidney stone. Lol.

 

A few days ago I could feel the change between us, a good change. He explained that he had been so stupid to look over me as a partner, that someone that cared about him so much and he failed to realize it was crazy, but he's afraid of being hurt and not sure if he's ready for commitment. (His ex-wife of 13 years left him for another man).

 

After a year of dating, to friends, to nothing, to friends, and now balancing between friends and this closeness that is obviously more than just friends as we've both said, I don't know how to approach it. I don't want to push the affection, and I don't want to act as if I don't care so I let him initiate the touching, kissing, and the affection. I can tell it's different now, but I don't want to cross a boundary that will scare him away again. How do I approach this topic with him? Or do I at all? Does this sound like he's sincere? I'm just so confused as of what to do now.

 

How long ago did the ex leave him?

[gabsworld]

He's been divorced for about 2 years now.

[beach]

Instead of wasting more time wondering - talk about how you feel with him.

 

Openly express your feelings and expectations for a REAL relationship.

 

Anything short of that is just allowing him to use you and hurt you.

 

He either wants you or he doesn't - and he should be willing to be perfectly clear which it is.

 

And if he doesn't - don't have sex with him any more.

 

Yes, have a boundary and stick to it. You need to know if you should start looking for a man that is interested in a committed relationship - or if that is his intent with you.

[gabsworld]

Thanks Beach,

 

He knows I will eventually want more someday, but says he'd never insist that I wait. I'm not in a position right now to take things to the next level because I'm in school, so I just want to take things slowly, and if it happens it happens. The boundaries I have crossed with him before, I came on way to strong, or either became way too needy, and he became distant. I guess I am scared of falling into that same scenario again.

[beach]

Do you know where your boundary is? What are your expectations?

[gabsworld]

Beach I do love him and would love to settle down one day and he knows this; however, I hold no expectations with any one person. I would love for it to be him, but not right now with him or anyone. The rattled "commitment phobia" thing does get to me because I wonder if and when that time comes for me, will he be ready, or will I allow myself to settle for what we have right now. I'm content at the moment and so is he but it's that time-clock that ticks. He's almost 40 and I'm 34. I'm not actively settling at this moment because I am so content with what we have at the moment so that's not an issue. I don't want to do anything to ruin it because I know I can get a bit loveable at times lol

[beach]

Beach I do love him and would love to settle down one day and he knows this; however, I hold no expectations with any one person. I would love for it to be him, but not right now with him or anyone. The rattled "commitment phobia" thing does get to me because I wonder if and when that time comes for me, will he be ready, or will I allow myself to settle for what we have right now. I'm content at the moment and so is he but it's that time-clock that ticks. He's almost 40 and I'm 34. I'm not actively settling at this moment because I am so content with what we have at the moment so that's not an issue. I don't want to do anything to ruin it because I know I can get a bit loveable at times lol

 

So ---> do you know where your boundary is?

[gabsworld]

Beach I do love him and would love to settle down one day and he knows this; however, I hold no expectations with any one person. I would love for it to be him, but not right now with him or anyone. The rattled "commitment phobia" thing does get to me because I wonder if and when that time comes for me, will he be ready, or will I allow myself to settle for what we have right now. I'm content at the moment and so is he but it's that time-clock that ticks. He's almost 40 and I'm 34. I'm not actively settling at this moment because I am so content with what we have at the moment so that's not an issue. I don't want to do anything to ruin it because I know I can get a bit loveable at times lol

[gabsworld]

Forgot to mention: My boundaries were set at me being able to say no and mean it. I won't allow myself to be swayed into doing something I don't want to do. I used to agree to see a certain movie just because he wanted to. Now, I tell him what I don't like. If my feelings are hurt, I tell him. Talking about this intimate thing, and allowing myself to go too far because of fear seems to be the only thing I am scared of doing for some reason.

[GoneTo]

He's been divorced for about 2 years now.

 

 

Oh, that's plenty of time.

[spiderowl]

After all this time, you are having to restrain yourself and not have any expectations. You have been self sacrificing and, by the sound of it, plan to continue in the same way. You deserve better than to be hanging on waiting for this guy to ever develop real feelings for you.

 

The guy doesn't have to do anything to earn your respect and interest. It's all too easy for him. He's got you on a string. He must be something special for you to wait around for him like this.

 

Truthfully, I don't feel it's going to get any better, whatever he says. He knows you are waiting for him. The only thing I feel will make a difference here is if he loses you and has to fight for you. I mean really work hard to gain your interest again and then promise you the world and fulfill his promise. He will only realise what he's got when it's no longer easily available to him. As they say in England "soft words butter no parsnips". Be wary of his declarations of feelings. It's convenient for him to have someone care when he's sick, but unless he starts to realise your true value, he's going to carry on falling back on you whenever his life gets hard and ignoring you the rest of the time.

 

I think you deserve a guy who truly does love you and is keen to make a commitment with you, not these half-hearted crumbs he throws out once in a while.

[gabsworld]

Thanks for responding Spiderowl,

 

I'm not ready, nor is he. When it comes to that point where I am willing to give myself to him only, I will have to make that choice. We live an hour away from each other and I am in nursing school and working full time so we rarely see each other; maybe once a week. It keeps me from becoming attached. The person I was last year would have made it a point to maneuver my way into his company everyday because I was so needy, and just had to have someone at all times because I was lonely. I have learned to love me before anyone else, and learned to be happy in my solitude. It took a lot of heartbreak for me to realize that. My only question was that I am an affectionate person. I love being with him, but I don't want to over do it. We talk everyday, 2 or 3 times a day, we date, have fun, and just take it day by day. He knows that one day I will be ready to settle down, and I've told him that I will not wait as before. I am content with what we have at the moment, and rushing things will ruin it.