Cutting off toxic people..your experience?

[FreedomRings]

I am a 29 year old single mother of one 7 y.o girl...from the midwest, now living in the southwest. I left my toxic friends and family behind, I'm a thousand miles away from home and I'm ready to start anew. I moved here with my military fiance, but it didn't work out. So now, here I am.

 

I've plugged into a good church and have joined a few small groups. I plan on going to counseling as well. I really want to start over with a positive outlook and positive people in my corner. My past is pretty messed up, I come from lots of dysfunction. Never feeling like I belonged, I just kind of did whatever to fit in and always followed the lead of my unstable family. I was very shy, and as a result very lonely. I have been codependent in my relationships with family and friends.

 

I have severed ties with them for now. I really want better for myself and my daughter.

 

Has anyone ever left a toxic upbringing and had success on your own? I know I will be ok, I guess I'm just looking for inspirational stories to keep me...well, inspired!

 

I will be turning 30 in September...and I don't want this next decade of my life to be anything like the last (drama-filled, depressing, empty, aimless). Trying to stay hopeful and optimistic. There's no way I can go back to the toxicity and negativity.

[d0nnivain]

I disconnected from a toxic relative. It gave me a lot of peace & helped me to stand on my own two feet. We have since reconciled but it's not like it was before. She no longer has any power over me because I no longer care about her opinions. I interact with her when it's fun & walk away when she's badly behaved. It's wonderful.

[FreedomRings]

d0nnivain, how long was it before you felt grounded enough to reconcile?

 

I guess I would eventually want to reconnect with family, but I need a lot of space right now so that I can rise above their opinions and thoughts about me and my life. I feel like I have a lot of healing and growing to do before I let them back in. I'll have to put up some firm boundaries and really identify and define who I am and who I want to be independently from them.

[Downtown]

I have been codependent in my relationships with family and friends.

Freedom, welcome to the LoveShack forum. I was glad to hear (in Caliguy's thread) that you found the BPD information helpful with respect to your military exBF. With regard to yourself, I believe it is a smart move to be seeing a counselor -- I hope that goes well and you're pleased with his/her services.

 

If you decide to read about codependency online, please keep in mind that -- because "codependency" is not defined in the APA's diagnostic manual -- it is used in a wide variety of ways on different websites. Indeed, the world's largest association devoted to this issue (CoDA) is so conflicted on what the term means that it does not provide a definition on its website.

 

This is why I usually use the term "excessive caregiver" to describe folks like us. Our problem, as I understand it, is that we keep helping people even when it is to our great detriment to do so, despite our having little or no success. This problem largely arises from our desire to be needed (for what we can do) far exceeds our desire to be loved (for the people we already are).

 

One result is that we have difficulty realizing that someone loves us if they don't also desperately need us. Another result is that we tend to mistake "being needed" for "being loved." A third result is that we tend to walk right past all the emotionally available people (BORING!) until we find a wounded bird who desperately needs us. Shari Schreiber explains how we get to be this way during our childhood at Core Injury. Take care, Freedom.

[FreedomRings]

This problem largely arises from our desire to be needed (for what we can do) far exceeds our desire to be loved (for the people we already are).

 

One result is that we have difficulty realizing that someone loves us if they don't also desperately need us. Another result is that we tend to mistake "being needed" for "being loved." A third result is that we tend to walk right past all the emotionally available people (BORING!) until we find a wounded bird who desperately needs us. Shari Schreiber explains how we get to be this way during our childhood at Core Injury. Take care, Freedom.

 

I can't believe how accurate this is for me! Honestly, ignorance really isn't bliss because after stumbling on this info you've provided here on LS, I honestly feel like I have some clarity and I feel like I can attack these issues now that I have a better idea of what they may be. I was pretty miserable and confused in my ignorance, I don't know where the saying comes from that ignorance is somehow blissful lol!

 

I've always felt bad for not falling for the guys that seemed 'good' for me. I'd never feel a "spark" with them...or what I thought was a spark, and I'd move on to not-so-good guys who made me feel needed.

 

I was beginning to feel hopeless until I came across your posts.

 

I just want to say thank you, I have a little more clarity and now I know which direction to go when it comes to this healing and growing process.

 

I'm going to check out that link now... and again, thank you!

[Craft81]

Cutting off someone that is severely toxic is brand new for me -- we've posted in the BPD thread over there...

 

I'm not one to cut someone off completely either... always wanted to mend the bridge and not burn it with others -- but in dire needs, you have to.

 

I gave so much to this woman and I was completely vulnerable too at the time when we met and ignored everything -- being a nice and genuine human being that I am... I still care for her and worry about her well-being, but I know I can't do that anymore.. and it sucks.

 

Just turned 33 and I wonder if I'll ever meet someone who would love me the way I loved others, because looking back -- I don't think the others understood... I dunno.. maybe I'm looking at things all wrong.

 

I, too, am currently in the process of moving (6 days left), but I don't know my destination.. I've lived where I am now for almost 14 years and it's like a second home to me, but now with a lot of tragedy, loss, and misery. It probably is time that I start anew elsewhere.. I just don't know where.

 

Day 32 of NC... still going.

[FreedomRings]

IDK, I'm taking a step back from friends and family until I can learn how to create healthy boundaries. I have no clue how to do that with them.

 

I had to step back and also take a really good look at myself after I found myself judging my ex, like, "He's so messed up and he doesn't even WANT to change. He won't even acknowledge that anything's wrong, I feel bad for him!"

 

I thought to myself...well, there are some things that I don't like about MYself that I don't bother to change. What makes me any better than him? He ignores his faults and I'm ignoring mine.

 

I read somewhere that you're the only one who can love you unconditionally. That really spoke to me. The unconditional love I'm looking for should be coming from ME. So, I have faults..I'm doing what I can to change/improve them, or change my attitude about them. There is no reason to be miserable or wallowing in self pity.

 

I hope the best for you on your journey, Craft. Trust yourself, love yourself, you'll be alright!

[sumathi]

You are right when you say toxic people pull you down. Everyone have their share of bitter experiences and only those who overcome it with grit can be successful. When I lost my husband, I felt my world had ended. I had the valuable duty of bringing up my only daughter who was then just sixteen. I had no money ,but that did not deter me. Many tried to make me feel depressive, but I never cared for their words. Now here I am, my daughter a very successful software professional and me making my mark as a writer. Everyone have a bright future and you too should focus towards it. Good luck.

[IDK123]

The thing about people who don't know boundaries and who love to control relationships is that they will slowly try to regain your trust once they see you've established boundaries, and then completely blow them away without you even realizing it.

 

This has happened several times with my mother, who when shown that I want space all of a sudden becomes very nice and easy-going. I slowly start trusting her again and can foresee a possible healthy relationship with her and then the next thing you know she is calling me every day and her toxic, controlling, egocentric behaviour is back in full force. I then take a step back, and the cycle continues.

 

This is because toxic people like that never really change, they only want you to think they've changed. I am so willing and wanting to believe that my parents have changed that any small thing that could suggest it makes me believe it. It's hard to truly and indefinitely cut ties with your family, even though sometimes they're so toxic that it's what you have to do.

 

I think the key in being able to set up REAL boundaries (and not the temporary ones mentioned above) is by putting yourself in a place where you don't NEED a relationship with the people you're trying to set boundaries with. The problem is getting there.

[Jana1]

I wish I could give you some amazing advice that would change your life and make you feel special and resolve the issue. Unfortunately, I am currently in a friendly relationship with a toxic person who is not kind and has enough issues to fill a DSM. For some reason I cannot distance myself from this person, I would feel bad if I know something happened to them.

[Leegh]

Toxic people are like poison. I believe a lot of toxic people are not happy, so they like to start trouble, to make other people unhappy. Many of them are narcissistic, or have another personality disorder. It's best to stay away from them. Sometimes it is better to start anew, and make new friends, etc.

[forbidden_love]

The thing about people who don't know boundaries and who love to control relationships is that they will slowly try to regain your trust once they see you've established boundaries, and then completely blow them away without you even realizing it.

 

This has happened several times with my mother, who when shown that I want space all of a sudden becomes very nice and easy-going. I slowly start trusting her again and can foresee a possible healthy relationship with her and then the next thing you know she is calling me every day and her toxic, controlling, egocentric behaviour is back in full force. I then take a step back, and the cycle continues.

 

This is because toxic people like that never really change, they only want you to think they've changed. I am so willing and wanting to believe that my parents have changed that any small thing that could suggest it makes me believe it. It's hard to truly and indefinitely cut ties with your family, even though sometimes they're so toxic that it's what you have to do.

 

I think the key in being able to set up REAL boundaries (and not the temporary ones mentioned above) is by putting yourself in a place where you don't NEED a relationship with the people you're trying to set boundaries with. The problem is getting there.

Great post you described my mother exactly

[FreedomRings]

The thing about people who don't know boundaries and who love to control relationships is that they will slowly try to regain your trust once they see you've established boundaries, and then completely blow them away without you even realizing it.

 

This has happened several times with my mother, who when shown that I want space all of a sudden becomes very nice and easy-going. I slowly start trusting her again and can foresee a possible healthy relationship with her and then the next thing you know she is calling me every day and her toxic, controlling, egocentric behaviour is back in full force. I then take a step back, and the cycle continues.

 

This is because toxic people like that never really change, they only want you to think they've changed. I am so willing and wanting to believe that my parents have changed that any small thing that could suggest it makes me believe it. It's hard to truly and indefinitely cut ties with your family, even though sometimes they're so toxic that it's what you have to do.

 

I think the key in being able to set up REAL boundaries (and not the temporary ones mentioned above) is by putting yourself in a place where you don't NEED a relationship with the people you're trying to set boundaries with. The problem is getting there.

 

This is how my mom is. When I talk about cutting off 'family', I'm mainly talking about her. She would call me every day with her toxic ways, and it was really bringing me down. She's my mom...and she's family...so I've always felt bad for shutting her out. So I never did. And now I feel like with her influence in my life, it's really hard for me to get on my feet and live the happy life that I would like to live.

 

Like you said, sometimes you do have to cut ties, for your own health, self respect and happiness. Family or not.

 

When you say that these people never change and that they blow boundaries away without your even realizing it...that caught my attention. She has been doing that all of my life. I'd really like to reconnect evenutally...I do love her. But I have to do what I have to do for my own sanity and well being. I have a daughter to care for and I don't want to pass this toxicity down to her! I'm determined to give her a better life than what I've had thus far, and if that means letting go of my mother, then sobeit.

 

I feel bad that this has to be done, but at this point I feel like I have no choice. I'm not blaming her for my problems, but I'm just saying, I can't move forward with her latching on to me like some sort of leech!

 

Thanks for your replies. I guess I asked this question to reassure myself that I'm making the right decision. It's a hard choice to make seeing as how I've been conditioned to put my family first...toxic or not. But it's about time that I put me first. She'll be alright.

[forbidden_love]

Sweetheart, i let my kids see my parents. I let them deçide. I let them see their grandparents. It was tough but i let them decide . They understand

Edited April 26, 2014 by forbidden_love

[pink_sugar]

Hi OP!

 

I moved out at 18 from a toxic home environment...husband and I married within a year of moving in together. Not the best decision as we were both young and immature still, but being on my own and away from the emotionally abusive home environment really helped me recover and develop my self confidence and self esteem. Despite all that my husband and I have gone through, it was still the best decision for me to leave home. I lived in a highly expensive area and I wouldn't have been able to make it without my husband. We moved out of the area recently and having left all the toxic people behind, we feel so much better and refreshed. Even our finances are improving as well as our relationship. You will be just fine. (I'm almost 25 now). Focus on getting involved with your community and hobbies...I'm looking to do the same in my new area...to meet new people and friends.

[FreedomRings]

Sweetheart, i let my kids see my parents. I let them deçide. I let them see their grandparents. It was tough but i let them decide . They understand

 

I have nothing against my daughter seeing her grandma. They don't ask about each other, so I'm not too worried about it. If my daughter wants to talk to her or see how she's doing, I don't mind.

 

I'm just saying, I want to remove MYSELF from this toxic relationship I have with her so that I can work on ridding myself of those traits. I don't want to continue this cycle of dysfuntion in my family. I don't want to pass the negativity down to my daughter, as I'm her biggest influence.

[forbidden_love]

Of course. This is we what happens. My mother was bringing me down in front of my kids and that's when she lost them.