I am lost

[munkeyme]

Hello all. I do not even know where to start. I am so depressed and just feel like there is no good outcome for my situation. Here is the story. I have been married for over 20 years. I love my husband but we have always had a turbulent relationship. I also have had a very abusive childhood. My mother was married over 5 times, do not know who or where my father is. Never knew if we were going to be living with this man or a new man from year to year. The men were all either abusing alcohol or other substances. I have blocked alot of things that have happened but also remember alot that did. Now this is where my husband and I get to the bad in our relationship. My husband and I just got in an awful fight and has left me with a head concussion. Our fight was so bad. He put his foot thru our television and wanted to destroy all my stuff. He just informed me that he wants out. He makes all the money and I have nothing. He uses that over me and I feel so worth nothing. The fight started over his drinking. He does not drink till drunk but drinks often. I do not want him to drink but he wants to, of course. I feel depressed and just am desperate. When he stated he wanted a divorce I feel apart. Just don't understand why I am going crazy. I sit and think he will have this gorgeous life with a beautiful new wife and home. I am 5' 9" and weigh 120 pounds with long dark hair and feel like a scum and cannot stand to look myself in the mirror. I don't even know what I am asking except that I feel I have nothing to offer anyone, anymore. I am worthless.

[travelbug1996]

He physically assaulted you. I hope you called the police and had him arrested.

 

You are the one that should be considering getting a divorce from someone that abuses you.

 

He abuses alcohol? I would suggest you contact your local al-anon and codependents anonymous. You have to get support for yourself.

[spiderowl]

Please talk to your doctor about getting help with your depression and dealing with the effects of your traumatic past. Because of your past, you have been struggling to cope with life and have accepted appalling treatment from your husband. It goes without saying that his behaviour is unacceptable and that it would be better if you felt glad that he was leaving. However, your self esteem is so badly hurt from all your experiences of life that it doesn't look like you can see that at the moment. You need help and support to start to see yourself differently.

 

Do you have a citizens advice service where you are? A free advice service so that you can find out what other forms of income you can get? Also, they might know of counselling services. I think a service for victims of abuse would be appropriate and I'm sure if you search you will find such a service somewhere local to you. Please get in touch with them and talk to them about how you are feeling and your circumstances. Just make a start on galvanising support for yourself, however hard it might seem at the moment. Wishing you all the best x

Edited April 27, 2014 by spiderowl

[turnera]

Please let us know you're ok. And you're not worthless.

[EverLastluv]

I'm so sorry to hear this, keep up with your post so you can get some advice on making things better for yourself. You went throught a rough child hood, that you ended up with wrong choices to a get a way to the life where you think you will be at ease but as far as what you saying its not even any better at all. The way you describe your self, there is lots of other people dealing with weight isues where they cant find a man in their life. So just get your self together and take a hold of your life dear. Hope all is going well!