I got a problem

[Rob]

My girl used to go out with this dude for 3 years, and had unprotected sex with him, basically he used her and abused her and dumped her when she was 19. Anyway, her past kind of bugs the hell out of me. I am torn in between. She is a great girl, but I get these mood swings, whenever I remember her past, and imagine her with her EX, doing all the dirty stuff. I wish she never opened her mouth about it.

 

What should I do? And also I noticed she is still attached to that scumbag. He calls her and they are friends. I know you will tell me if I dont like it i should leave, but I tried few times, and can't. So now I have these crazy ideas in head, and every time I make love to her, I think of her EX, and also sometimes I feel like finding him and beating the daylight out of him, for mistreating her and abusing her.

 

What should I do?

[ashesmum]

Have you talked to her and let her know how you feel. Obviously you're a bit jealous. But it depends on how much you think you can trust her. If you trust her, then that should be enough. I have no idea why she'd want to be friends with someone that used to be her up though. As for sex, get over that. Make some memories of your own. Maybe try some therapy or take sessions with Tony (ha ha). As for the agression, take up running or boxing or something to get your frustrations out. I'm sure Tony will get into detail so I'll end it here. Good luck.

My girl used to go out with this dude for 3 years, and had unprotected sex with him, basically he used her and abused her and dumped her when she was 19. Anyway, her past kind of bugs the hell out of me. I am torn in between. She is a great girl, but I get these mood swings, whenever I remember her past, and imagine her with her EX, doing all the dirty stuff. I wish she never opened her mouth about it. What should I do? And also I noticed she is still attached to that scumbag. He calls her and they are friends. I know you will tell me if I dont like it i should leave, but I tried few times, and can't. So now I have these crazy ideas in head, and every time I make love to her, I think of her EX, and also sometimes I feel like finding him and beating the daylight out of him, for mistreating her and abusing her. What should I do?

[unnamed]

Listen man, and listen closely.

 

I too am torn between the past and the girl. It is indeed troublesome, and overall, it rarely seems worth it. Like you, I have tried to leave my girlfriend, but I could not.

 

Chances are, your close to giving up, but at the same time, you're not.

 

I have been suffering intensely for nine months now. Nine months. That is a fairly long time. And through these months, I have had very little luck in suceeded to get through the phase.

 

So, here's what I suggest. Obviously she's told you the details, and now your suffering from it -- I can only assume you conjure up imagined images (and ones from the given descriptions) and are basically heartbroken over it. You just cannot seem to handle seeing her like that, doing that. Doing 'that' stuff which should only be with you, right?

 

Well, there is really no cure. Atleast, nothing that I have found yet. All it takes is talking with your girlfriend, and finding ways to escape the pain temporarily.

 

Since making love to her only sparks the pain, avoid that. Instead, I have another idea:

 

Rather than making love, download a video off the 'Net of a couple having sex, and when your suffering, watch it repeadetly. Focus on the couple, however. Try not to think of your girlfriend and her ex (which you will, of course... but work on this). Watch it again and again. And again. Keep watching it until the images of your girlfriend and her ex have dissapeared. If it takes an hour, then watch the video for an hour.

 

I have yet to try this, but I will soon since I am extremely deep in agony over my gf's past.

 

Listen man... if you drive her crazy with you suffering over her past, she will leave you. Luckily, my girlfriend is fully committed to me and she will never leave me, but I do not take advantage of that.

 

Its a problem. Work on it. Find methods of getting out of the mood. Exercise, talk, write, listen to music. Numerous things work for different people.

 

In addition to this, if you would like to contact me personally, you can E-mail me at [<e-mail address removed>] or you can ICQ me [my number is 21569199].

 

Please feel free to contact me, and I'm sure we could talk further into this problem.

 

- unnamed

[fishbulb]

My girl used to go out with this dude for

3 years, and had unprotected sex with him, basically he used her and abused her and dumped her when she was 19. Anyway, her past kind of bugs the hell out of me. I am torn in between. She is a great girl, but I get these mood swings, whenever I remember her past, and imagine her with her EX, doing all the dirty stuff. I wish she never opened her mouth about it. What should I do? And also I noticed she is still attached to that scumbag. He calls her and they are friends. I know you will tell me if I dont like it i should leave, but I tried few times, and can't. So now I have these crazy ideas in head, and every time I make love to her, I think of her EX, and also sometimes I feel like finding him and beating the daylight out of him, for mistreating her and abusing her. What should I do? Yeah, I know that one... My ex is a self-proclaimed 'sex addict' that would 'let' the guy do whatever he wanted (not exclusively, and unprotected, by the way) in the guise of 'exploring her sexuality'. We were friends for about two years before we got together, and after the first couple of months, the sex deteriorated badly. She had set so many boundaries, and, by trying to respect them, I felt I couldn't make a move without triggering an issue of some kind. The only conclusion I have come up with is that if a woman has been treated like ##### by someone other than the person they are currently involved with, no matter how much you respect those boundaries, or them, they will be expecting (even subconciously) to be treated the same way, and if you don't, they'll hold it against you for being 'weak'. If there are unresolved issues (even unrealized) going in to a relationship, you can bet the farm that they will show themselves, and if one or the other is unwilling to deal with, or even identify, them, it's just a recipe for pain (or a talk show). Some women have some strange ideas what intimacy is (I know, I know, men,too), but the fact (face it) that so many women like "bad boys" kind of puts those of us that treat women with respect and sensitivity at a social disadvantage, and I have yet to meet even a dozen women who honestly appreciate a good man. I think this sucks. Comments?

[girl's view]

my boyfriend left me because he was obsessed with my sexual past to the point where he would make himself physically sick, and picture things in his head.

 

what i tried to make him understand, time and time again, is that if i wanted anyone from my past, i would not be with him right now. THE PAST IS THE PAST. if i don't obsess over my past, why should he?

 

i will tell you from a girl's point of view, that being dumped because a guy can't handle your sexual past, is devestating. i loved my boyfriend more than anything in the world, but he couldn't cope with it. it was as though the more our relationship developed, the more my past ate him up. he really started to get affected by things when he realised that he was in love with me.

 

now i feel like he has punished me for having a past. like i said, i loved him more than anything and i am having a hell of a time getting over him.

 

i felt like i'd stepped right out of "chasing amy" (except my past in no way compares to hers). but i can 100% relate to how she felt.

 

get over it and realise that your girlfriend loves you and only you.

 

get over it before it wrecks your relationship, like it did mine.

 

what happened to me has absolutely torn me because my ex meant everything to me. my past did not. do you really want to do this to your girlfriend?

[Tony T]

This type of problem comes up rather often. I will just never understand why some men and women have to tell a new partner all about their sexual past or about their dating past at all. Aren't some things sacred??? Are people too stupid to know what the consequences will be??? Why can't people be mature enough not even to ask???

 

I have never, ever been even slightly curious about the sexual past of any lady I have dated and could have cared less.

 

I think this has got to have to happen to people at least once so they can learn the consequences and to keep their mouths shut about something so person that is not the business of anyone else.

 

I mean if you're going to talk about it, why not just sell a videotape of your past sex life...and at least if your going to lose a relationship you can make a few bucks.

 

This opening your mouth about past sex stuff just drives me crazy!!!

 

How is a person's sexual past relevant to a current relationship. If a lady was sexually abused to the extent this girl was, she should go to a shrink and talk about it there.

 

In the girl's defense, she may have thought she was telling a guy who could handle the information. In his defense, not many guys are able to do that.

 

Some things about people I will just never understand!!!

[girl's view]

the only reason i ever said anything was because i had always been led to believe it was the done thing. i had been with people who matter-of-factly told me and i didn't think anything of it, other than just conversation. friends have told me that they've discussed how many people they've been with with their partners. i've even read in magazines that you should be honest - well, i guess you can be too honest.

 

i am a very open person. my friends and i have always been very open with each other. i have not, however, been open to the point of "oh, we did this....we did that...he did this to me....". frankly, i don't have a problem with a boyfriend telling me how many people he has been with. i would however, have a problem if he started giving me details of his encounters. that i will never do myself, and i don't want to hear details of a boyfriend's past experiences. the only thing my boyfriend knew about my sexual past is that i had never given oral sex before (that was obvious because i was useless when i did it to him).

 

i have never bragged. sex is not something i would brag about. hearing people brag about sex and the details of their conquests disgusts me. does that person they had sex with know they're being spoken about like this? who gives a damn about what you did??

 

like i said, i thought honesty was the way to go. i guess not. my ex even started questioning me as to have i have unprotected sex. i have always have protected sex, except with my ex. so, yes, this led him to read into things and make himself sick, not eat etc etc.

 

i'm sorry now that i was honest. i guess in future i know not to talk about it again. i was naive.

 

so to anyone out there - if curiousity gets the better of you, hide it before you ultimately ruin a relationship.

This type of problem comes up rather often. I will just never understand why some men and women have to tell a new partner all about their sexual past or about their dating past at all. Aren't some things sacred??? Are people too stupid to know what the consequences will be??? Why can't people be mature enough not even to ask??? I have never, ever been even slightly curious about the sexual past of any lady I have dated and could have cared less. I think this has got to have to happen to people at least once so they can learn the consequences and to keep their mouths shut about something so person that is not the business of anyone else.

 

I mean if you're going to talk about it, why not just sell a videotape of your past sex life...and at least if your going to lose a relationship you can make a few bucks. This opening your mouth about past sex stuff just drives me crazy!!! How is a person's sexual past relevant to a current relationship. If a lady was sexually abused to the extent this girl was, she should go to a shrink and talk about it there. In the girl's defense, she may have thought she was telling a guy who could handle the information. In his defense, not many guys are able to do that.

 

Some things about people I will just never understand!!!

[Tony T]

I think there are some things that one can logically assume another may be possibly affected by.

 

I make general rules for myself based on my general feelings about subjects. I don't ask people about their personal financial affairs nor do I discuss mine and I don't ask people about their sexual history nor do I discuss mine...those are tops on my list of things not to bring up.

 

Good, common sense can help you figure out what subjects people will have a difficult time dealing with. Just because some people seem to be OK with it, others will not.

 

Sex between two people is for that moment and that moment only and should stay right there. If you want it memorialized for all time, conceive a child. Anything short of that should remain in the moment as a very private matter between two people. That is what distinguishes us from lower animal forms.

 

You can never be sure that the people you have discussed your sexual history with in the past have been OK with it. They may have said nothing or had no reaction, but that is in no way an indication they had no problem with it.

 

There are just some things so sensitive that it is incredibly more easy not to get into it than to try to get out of it. That's why we were given judgement and common sense.

 

We have to think about the consequences before we engage our mouths.

 

We in a relationship with someone, concentrate on THAT relationship, and forget the completely irrelevant past. It is simply crazy to let anything in the past that didn't work out affect what is great and in the present.

[girl's view]

I think there are some things that one can

logically assume another may be possibly affected by.

my so-called "logic" (or lack thereof in hindsight) was based on personal experience. i.e. my 1st boyfriend told me how many people he had been with. my 2nd boyfriend told me how many people he had been with. my friend's boyfriends have told them the same thing, and my friend's have told their boyfriend's the same thing. this was the first time i had ever discussed it with anyone. and when i say "discussed"", i mean, how many people. i have NEVER and will NEVER discuss the act itself. i don't even think about what i did with these people in the past.

 

i always (incorrectly, i now know), believed it was courtesy to let someone know. i now understand it's only a matter of courtesy and only relevant if you have an STD (which i don't and never have had).

I make general rules for myself based on my general feelings about subjects. I don't ask people about their personal financial affairs nor do I discuss mine and I don't ask people about their sexual history nor do I discuss mine...those are tops on my list of things not to bring up.

i know what general rules i will be making for myself now.

Good, common sense can help you figure out what subjects people will have a difficult time dealing with. Just because some people seem to be OK with it, others will not.

up until my ex's reaction, i had never once seen or heard of anyone i know (or don't know for that matter), getting upset about it. i am dead serious.

Sex between two people is for that moment and that moment only and should stay right there. If you want it memorialized for all time, conceive a child. Anything short of that should remain in the moment as a very private matter between two people. That is what distinguishes us from lower animal forms. You can never be sure that the people you have discussed your sexual history with in the past have been OK with it. They may have said nothing or had no reaction, but that is in no way an indication they had no problem with it.

i wish i had of known just one person who wasn't comfortable with it. i honestly would have thought twice.

There are just some things so sensitive that it is incredibly more easy not to get into it than to try to get out of it. That's why we were given judgement and common sense. We have to think about the consequences before we engage our mouths.

my biggest regret is that i spoke. i hate myself for it, i really do. he was the best thing that ever happened to me and i fu**ed it up all on my own. even though his reactions were extreme, i hate myself. he never once treated me unkind even though he told me it bothered him to know. i really learnt my lesson and had my heart broken when he said to me, "i wish you never told me".

We in a relationship with someone, concentrate on THAT relationship, and forget the completely irrelevant past. It is simply crazy to let anything in the past that didn't work out affect what is great and in the present.

i never let his past bother me, even though i had every reason to (he is still in contact with his past - i'm not). i knew he was with me because he loved me and if he wanted anything different, he wouldn't have been with me. and the same went for me. he was everything i'd never had before, he knew it, and i stuffed it up. but i suppose he stuffed it up in a way by letting if affect him so badly.

 

i'm really struggling to get over losing him. i really am struggling.

 

question: why is it mainly guy's who are affected by this kind of knowledge? i'm yet to see a girl on here who can't handle her partners past. double-standards perhaps?

[girl's view]

i appreciate a good man. i can't stand the bad-boys.

 

my man treated me like a queen, and my naivety and foolishness took that all away. i appreciated him every step of the way. he was an angel to me.

 

i had it all, and then i spoke (read my posts if you haven't yet).

[Tony T]

There are some guys who are just extremely immature. Yes, there are double standards in some measure.

 

But I suppose it's because guys have this manly ego thing and they would just as soon pretend that no other man had ever been with their girl. When they start thinking about another man's penis having been in their girl's mouth...or their girl having done some guy in a public bathroom or in a tree, the picture in their minds is something they just can't deal with.

 

It's pretty sad, pretty tragic. I think there are many more immature, macho, egomaniac men out there than women. I think it's best for every woman to assume that every man is like this...and button their lips.

 

I also don't understand the relevance of people knowing how many people the other has screwed in their life. As long as they are disease free, what does the volume have to do with it. I just think nobody needs that information. Now ignorant, immature, egomaniac guys may offer it unsolicited to impress the girls in some way...but I don't think ladies should take that crap. Gentlement don't go into their personal past that way.

 

You make a good point. Of course, I may be off...there may be other reasons I am not aware of.

[catt]

that these people are very young and simply not mature enough to even be having these conversations. I am sure that the girls in these situations did not just spew out all this information about their sexual pasts in the nearby Starbucks over a coffee. I suspect that these guys were feeling a bit too possessive and needed to know EVERYTHING, convinced the girls that they wouldn't judge them, they felt safe in divulging their history, only to have it thrown into their faces at every opportunity.

 

What these "gentlemen" are doing is no better than abuse. It is emotional abuse. They are making these young women feel cheap and dirty all because of their OWN sexual hangups.

 

To Ron and Unnamed: you guys have got to GET A GRIP. In my opinion, these girls would be much better off without such nosey creeps in their lives. You wanted to know but know you can't deal with the consequences. Let these girls go now before you do them much more harm than you already have. Sure they may be faithful to you but probably only because you have made them feel so cheap that they might believe that there is no one else out there that could possibly care for them. This is just simply not true. First of all, there are many men out there who would not even dare inquire about such things, and secondly, if they learned about their partner's sexual past, they would leave it where it belongs - IN THE PAST.

 

Were the two of you virgins before you met these girls? Don't YOU have a past? For the life of me, I can not even begin to comprehend what it is that bothers you so much. Unless of course, you view these women as "objects" or "possessions"that have been tarnished. And if this is the case, you guys have some serious work to do on yourselves.

[Spiff]

It is difficult to deal with the past especially when you know the things that your SO has done with their exes but refuses to do with you, be it oral sex, sex in public, anal sex, threesomes, playing out fantasies, basically anything remotely adventurous. You try saying to yourself that you are the one they chose because they are with you now and not the other ones, which should mean that they love you more than the the others otherwise they would still be with them. Therefore why are they not willing to do the other things except for just plain basic intercourse? Don't get me wrong, I take plain basic sex over nothing any day but it does get kind of monotonous. But it doesn't stop you from thinking that maybe you don't mean as much to them or that they don't feel as close to you as they did with their exes. Just my thoughts.

There are some guys who are just extremely immature. Yes, there are double standards in some measure. But I suppose it's because guys have this manly ego thing and they would just as soon pretend that no other man had ever been with their girl. When they start thinking about another man's penis having been in their girl's mouth...or their girl having done some guy in a public bathroom or in a tree, the picture in their minds is something they just can't deal with. It's pretty sad, pretty tragic. I think there are many more immature, macho, egomaniac men out there than women. I think it's best for every woman to assume that every man is like this...and button their lips. I also don't understand the relevance of people knowing how many people the other has screwed in their life. As long as they are disease free, what does the volume have to do with it. I just think nobody needs that information. Now ignorant, immature, egomaniac guys may offer it unsolicited to impress the girls in some way...but I don't think ladies should take that crap. Gentlement don't go into their personal past that way. You make a good point. Of course, I may be off...there may be other reasons I am not aware of.

[unnamed]

What if you went through your life without sexual actions? I mean, never 'fooled around' with another women?

 

How would you feel coming into a relationship with a women who's already 'been there'. You would feel incompetent, no doubt, and worthless.

 

To say all men who cannot handle a women's past are immature is an overstatement.

 

I may be 17, and perhaps I may be less mature than the average adult, but by all means, it does not make me less mature because I simply am bothering by the thought of someone I love involved with someone else.

[Tony T]

No, there's nothing wrong with you at all...and that's why people should keep their mouth shut about their sexual past...because people do get bothered by it.

 

If you are currently engaged in sexual activity with other people, you are obligated to tell each partner just because of the dangers of disease and death associated.

 

But it is absolutely immature and stupid to spout off all kinds of details about previous sexual involvement totally unsolicited. It is an extremely bad idea to discuss those kinds of personal matters if asked. There are just certain things in this world that are private.

 

For a female, it is particularly risky to have any discussion whatsoever because it seems many guys just can't handle their past and so many young ladies are far too descriptive about it.

[fishbulb]

i appreciate a good man. i can't stand the

bad-boys. my man treated me like a queen, and my naivety and foolishness took that all away. i appreciated him every step of the way. he was an angel to me. i had it all, and then i spoke (read my posts if you haven't yet).

Hi Girls' View... Fishbulb again...I can sympathize completely. I treated my ex like gold, as well. I still don't know what happened, but I never held her past against her, and I certainly never obsessed over it. The only reason I ever knew in the first place was because of a medical scare, and we'd had unprotected sex a few times, and this had the potential to be life-threatening to both of us, and she had to tell me. I could tell it was the hardest thing she ever had to tell me, so I didn't make her face me, we just lay there, cuddling. It was something I was never interested in, and for the sake of our health, she had to tell me. I never judged her for it, and I never will. What I think was the bigger issue, for her, was her sexuality, as she brought it up many times during our time together. Her family was relieved when she was bringing a man to Aspen for Christmas... I could go on, but you get the picture. I see it this way...EVERYONE has a past, some are racier than others. They should make NO DIFFERENCE to the relationships we are pursuing today. If someone is insisting to know, they are probably just gathering ammunition for when they can't handle something in the future (read: escape clause).

[girl's view]

my ex knew my past wasn't adventerous at all. he was the first guy to try most things with me, except for plain boring sex, but he still got upset of the thought of me with other guys. my ex was the first guy i ever felt truly comfortable with to try different things.

 

and why someone would tell their partner that they've had anal sex, oral sex, threesomes, fantasies etc with someone else, is beyond me. even if i had of done all that before i met my ex, i wouldn't have told him.

 

my ex also knew that he was the only guy i'd ever loved the way i did. but he was still bothered by the thought of me having casual sex for some reason (i had a boyfriend for 4 years before him who was as distant as the sun and paid me not attention so i left him very messed up and had a few one night stands to try and deal with the pain. my ex couldn't stand the whole one-night stand thing).

 

hmmm, go figure....he knows it was just a stage in my life adn something i would never do again, but couldn't stand it all the same.

It is difficult to deal with the past especially when you know the things that your SO has done with their exes but refuses to do with you, be it oral sex, sex in public, anal sex, threesomes, playing out fantasies, basically anything remotely adventurous. You try saying to yourself that you are the one they chose because they are with you now and not the other ones, which should mean that they love you more than the the others otherwise they would still be with them. Therefore why are they not willing to do the other things except for just plain basic intercourse? Don't get me wrong, I take plain basic sex over nothing any day but it does get kind of monotonous. But it doesn't stop you from thinking that maybe you don't mean as much to them or that they don't feel as close to you as they did with their exes. Just my thoughts.