Wife Sees Social Activities as a Chore

[norwegianforestcat]

Hello,

 

New here. My wife Sees most social activities besides going to work as a chore. Like we have my best friend and his wife, and my other friend coming over Saturday for dinner and this morning she was complaining about having to clean the house and be ready for them, etc. The thing is there is always some form of resistance no matter what. And I clean and get ready just as much as she does, the difference is that I am happy to because I enjoy this kind of thing. She always even though we plan ahead has a day where she "Caves" And gets mad at me for having planned this, calling this weekend a "Bad weekend". But we Have no other plans this weekend. Any social activity beyond Going to her parents, which I enjoy and look forward to, has resistance which I am just getting sick of to the point where I cry sometimes. It's quite difficult to explain and also it's not like I'm planning something every weekend....Just every once in a while. And it's not just complaining, she gets truly pIssued off to the point where I have to defend myself by saying what did I do to deserve this to her. Frustrated guy, what can I do?

[Smilecharmer]

Is she overwhelmed due to kids or work? Does she just not like to socialize in general or is it your friends? She sounds like an introvert so you may just have a wife who doesn't like to do these things. Just don't take it personally and try to do things with your friends away from home so she can have some time alone.

I was a military wife for many years and was expected by his command to entertain and do meet and greets. I am outgoing and gregarious by nature and my husband made it very clear to me that I didn't have to do anything I didn't enjoy or want to, therefore it was easy for me to feel, comfortable doing them because I knew my husband regarded me more than his job. Something about knowing that made it psychologically easier for me to enjoy these social gatherings, which were numerous as he gained rank. I also enjoyed watching how everyone really respected and feared him.

If she is an introvert, you really need to not plan her into your every social situation. You need to sit down and discuss this and how overwhelmed or stressed she is feeling for whatever reason that she hates you planning these get togethers. Remember that this is her time and place too so she gets a say in what she does and how she spends her time.

[norwegianforestcat]

We both work 40 hours a week, no kids. She is more of an introvert and I more an extrovert, and I hear what you're staying. But seriously I try to accommodate to a balance, and for example this is the first time we will have had friends over since I dunno, 4 months, so, isn't it her who needs to be extroverted for a few hours and not get mad and blame me for her anger?

[Eivuwan]

We both work 40 hours a week, no kids. She is more of an introvert and I more an extrovert, and I hear what you're staying. But seriously I try to accommodate to a balance, and for example this is the first time we will have had friends over since I dunno, 4 months, so, isn't it her who needs to be extroverted for a few hours and not get mad and blame me for her anger?

 

Well, what if you do all the preparation, cooking, and cleaning? Or just go out to a restaurant? There has to be some way to compromise.

[d0nnivain]

My husband is less social then I am so we compromise. Sometimes we separate. I'll go out & he'll stay home or vice versa.

 

 

Ask her if there are different social activities that would be more fun for her.

[norwegianforestcat]

Well, what if you do all the preparation, cooking, and cleaning? Or just go out to a restaurant? There has to be some way to compromise.

 

That's a fine idea, I would be happy to offer that up and would have no problem doing it.

[oldshirt]

It might help to understand what introvert vs extrovert means.

 

An extrovert gets energy from social engagement and will often feel refreshed and energized from being arround others in a social environment. An extrovert will see a social activity as way to unwind and relax and release the stresses of the day. An extrovert will become stressed and anxious and restless if alone for a certain period of time and will dread an upcoming period of isolation if one is unavoidably coming up in the future.

 

Conversely an introvert often feels stressed and overwhelmed and will become exhausted in social situations and will seek isolation to unwind, relax and will feel recharged and refreshed after a period of being alone. An introvert will become stressed and anxious at the thought of an upcoming social engagement and will often build in a time limit after which they will break away and seek solitude to unwind and refresh.

 

Introversion is not to be confused with shyness or social awkwardness. Many introverts are not shy at all and can have good social skills and can enjoy social interactions. Also there can also be extroverts who are shy and lack social skills and can have terrible social situations.

 

Introvert vs extrovert is not about whether they enjoy social situations or not but rather its about where they get their energy and life force. An introvert gets it from within during periods of solitude (or with a very few close friends) while an extrovert gets it from outside themselves during interaction with others.

 

How a couple interacts with others is a critical component of a marriage so it is important to find a system that works for both.

 

IMHO I think you should seek a way to get with other people in a manner that puts lesser amounts of stress and pressure on your wife such as meeting people outside your home where she doesn't have the added stress of worrying if the house is clean enough and where she is not responsible for entertaining other people or ensuring their happiness.

 

Along with that try to balance the social time with some built in plans for her to decompress. If you are normally socializing till midnight, set a time limit at 10 or 11 pm. If you want to socialize Friday night, make a Sat night date of pizza and a Netfix movie at home also.

 

Introverts can and do enjoy social activities as much as extroverts when they actually go out. You just have to take a few extra steps to reduce the stress that an introvert will feel and you have to ensure that the social time is counter balanced by some quiet time that they will require to unwind and recharge.

[jamie019]

She sounds VERY much like myself. Don't take it the wrong way at all, she's just an introvert. I usually get stressed out about going to a social event.

 

You need to understand who she is though. My boyfriend knows that any time there is an event to go to or whatever, he makes sure I would be okay with it. His family invited us to go to Vegas for the weekend, and he made up an excuse because he said I would be so uncomfortable there. Not my scene.

 

It is important to do things every once in a while. My boyfriend will push me to hang out with my friends more, etc. If he wants to do something, he'll go do it. He knows I would prefer to just hang out at home.

 

Just try to put yourself in a situation where you're sitting around all day doing nothing. You would probably despise it. That's how she's sees the weekend.