One month post BU - Craving contact! [update]

[ahthepain]

I still think about her all the time. What ever I am doing she will be there in my mind. If it's driving, watching TV, playing football ect

 

I think about our times together, what she must be doing, what she and her new bf are upto.

 

We were together for 3 years and the breakup came out of the blue.

 

I have been very good and maintained no contact for 3 weeks now. I have her facebook on a friends account but if that's the worse it gets to then that's ok. I have driven by her house once aswell.

 

I dream about her everynight. I can remember my dreams and honestly every night it is always about her.

 

So 10 weeks on it doesn't quite hurt as much but I can not see myself moving on. I have no ambition and have lost over $200,000 gambling since the breakup. I am in a very self destructive mood and only have a handful of friends. So lonely I feel so trapped like there is noway out.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

I still think about her all the time. What ever I am doing she will be there in my mind. If it's driving, watching TV, playing football ect

 

I think about our times together, what she must be doing, what she and her new bf are upto.

 

We were together for 3 years and the breakup came out of the blue.

 

I have been very good and maintained no contact for 3 weeks now. I have her facebook on a friends account but if that's the worse it gets to then that's ok. I have driven by her house once aswell.

 

I dream about her everynight. I can remember my dreams and honestly every night it is always about her.

 

So 10 weeks on it doesn't quite hurt as much but I can not see myself moving on. I have no ambition and have lost over $200,000 gambling since the breakup. I am in a very self destructive mood and only have a handful of friends. So lonely I feel so trapped like there is noway out.

 

First, where the f*** are you getting all this money from?!!?! Jesus Christ either this is a lie that you're telling everyone, or you're loaded.

 

Second, its only ten weeks. This stuff takes time. A friends account? So what you're logging into a friends account (probably without him/her knowing) and stalking her?!?!? KNOCK IT OFF!!!

 

Dont stress so much about it and let time run its course.

[umirano]

Hi there, dumpee here too. I've stopped dreaming about my ex about last week, about 8 weeks into BU. It'll happen for you too, just give it more time.

 

Stop doing all the things that remind her of you, esp. driving by her house. I'm thinking about my ex too all the time, and some triggers you just can't avoid. She was at my parents place a couple of times, my nephews remind me of her as she played with them and all over town there are places I went to with her. But everything else needs to be gone from your daily environment.

 

Divert yourself. It's a good strategy to start doing completely new things. And dropping the gambling habit maybe a good start.

 

Good luck

[ahthepain]

Thanks for the responses guys.

 

I won alot of money days prior to her breaking up with me and have been going up and down with that lately.

 

I only had a handful of very close friends but now I have lost her I literally go days without seeing anyone.

 

Everyone I know was like "Give it a month or two and you will feel 100x better". I don't feel better at all, however when I did no contact before I got to this point and broke it and went round to see her and that's when some weird sexual stuff happened. She is really into this new guy and him into her but there is nothing on her facebook. No pictures of them together or tags. When she first got with me we had loads of pictures and tags up, so it got me thinking maybe she isn't as happy as she wants me to believe.

 

I know I must stop caring about how she feels or what she is doing, but my life really is nothing without her. I had a really bad childhood and for the last 3 years I told myself it all happened so fate brought us together, but now I can't see how anything good let alone better will come from this.

[sooshi]

If you have so much money, why not use it for something productive... like therapy? Judging from your threads, it could be really helpful for you.

 

Your life isn't nothing without her. You spent most of your life without even knowing her and did you feel that way--that your life is nothing without her? Nope, not at all. Your vision is being clouded an awful lot. It's normal that you miss her and think about her, but you threads have shown deep issues that need to be worked on. If you haven't already tried therapy, I think it would be a good next step to take.

[ahthepain]

Hi sooshi,

 

I tried therapy but found it didn't really do much for me.

 

I have been driving really fast lately and even after nearly killing myself in my new car (totalled) I have not been caring if I crash or not.

 

I'm not brave enough to actually top myself but drive recklessly and hit a tree I can see myself doing that. I just have no escape from this. Coming upto three months post BU and I have made zero progress. I am making a very large bet with all of my money over the next week or two on a bet that shouldn't come off 4/1. I'm not sure why I am doing this, but I know it will finally give me the reason to do something stupid. I can't kill myself over losing a girlfriend but losing all my money that's a more legit excuse.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Thanks for the responses guys.

 

I won alot of money days prior to her breaking up with me and have been going up and down with that lately.

 

I only had a handful of very close friends but now I have lost her I literally go days without seeing anyone.

 

Everyone I know was like "Give it a month or two and you will feel 100x better". I don't feel better at all, however when I did no contact before I got to this point and broke it and went round to see her and that's when some weird sexual stuff happened. She is really into this new guy and him into her but there is nothing on her facebook. No pictures of them together or tags. When she first got with me we had loads of pictures and tags up, so it got me thinking maybe she isn't as happy as she wants me to believe.

 

I know I must stop caring about how she feels or what she is doing, but my life really is nothing without her. I had a really bad childhood and for the last 3 years I told myself it all happened so fate brought us together, but now I can't see how anything good let alone better will come from this.

 

Whoever said give it a month or two and you'll feel 100X better isnt helping. People heal at different speeds. There is no timetable for feeling better. It not like "Okay next Thursday around 6pm, I'll be 22% better." Life doesnt work that way. It takes awhile to heal. You just have to be patient. Time heals wounds. Its going to take longer than a month.

 

On THAT note, you have to WANT to get better. I understand your background was hard and you are sad, but quit making excuses for yourself. You WANT to lose money? Thats stupid and very selfish. You're going to regret that HIGHLY later. If you are wanting to just s*** money away, why not donate it to people who REALLY need it.....Anyways, people have to WANT to get better. It sounds like you are stewing in the memories and times that you almost refuse to move on from it. You ever hear those who are still obsessed with their ex years later? While again everyone heals differently, some almost refuse to. The only way to keep them "around" is thinking about the times and memories. This sounds harsh, but its over. Finished. Complete. The faster you realize that and actually WANT to move on, the better it gets.

 

And it would probably be better if YOU DIDNT STALK HER FACEBOOK!!!!! GET OFF HER SOCIAL MEDIA SITES!!!! Who cares if she doesnt post pics of her new bf. You are making this incredibly irrational scenarios in your head because of pictures on a site. Thats insane and not health.

 

Again, it takes time. You have to be patient. In addition, you NEED (And I'm being 100% serious) professional help. Thoughts of killing yourself and whatever is not the answer.

Edited June 8, 2014 by ConfusedHumanBeing

[KaliLove]

Hi sooshi,

 

I tried therapy but found it didn't really do much for me.

 

I have been driving really fast lately and even after nearly killing myself in my new car (totalled) I have not been caring if I crash or not.

 

I'm not brave enough to actually top myself but drive recklessly and hit a tree I can see myself doing that. I just have no escape from this. Coming upto three months post BU and I have made zero progress. I am making a very large bet with all of my money over the next week or two on a bet that shouldn't come off 4/1. I'm not sure why I am doing this, but I know it will finally give me the reason to do something stupid. I can't kill myself over losing a girlfriend but losing all my money that's a more legit excuse.

 

Once you lose control of a car, you are (duh) no longer in control of it, and therefore you cannot decide that you're just going to hit a tree without hitting anything else first. It's more likely that you'll kill someone else than yourself if you keep up that sh*t so CUT IT OUT. That is selfish and dangerous and just plain evil. Do not put other people in danger because you're sad.

[umirano]

How do you feel about taking someone else's life while driving your car in a manner you described?

[ahthepain]

Thank you for all the replies.

 

I do feel really selfish and I think to how lucky I am to be blessed with a loving family, great health ect.

 

I'm not a good person and that just lowers my self estime. I feel more positive tonight. I chilled with a friend and he lives really close to my exs and last time I was at his I drove by hers just to see if her car was there and tonight I didn't, so that was positive.

 

If I can make it through the next few weeks and maintain no contact I feel I can do this!

[shortee]

I'm glad you can see how self destructive you are being. I honestly think you took it too far when you jerked off in front of her. She probably let you touch her first to take pity on you and then because she was afraid you were going to rape her otherwise. She told you no touching, because the last time you completely took advantage and did more to her than she wanted and she couldn't stop you. But somehow I think you just see and hear whatever you want, but you need to face reality. You just need to stop with the self destructive behavior and get therapy.

[KaliLove]

So you're going to drive safely and not endanger other peoples' lives anymore?

[ahthepain]

The money means nothing to me.

 

Why is this getting harder?

I can't get through this. COming upto three months and I think about her every second of every day. There isn't a moment when she is not on my mind and it's really effecting me.

 

I miss her so much. It truely is unbearable. Knowing that she is there only 5 minutes away and doesn't want anything to do with me. Has no feelings at all for me and even if she breaks up with her new guy would never get back with me.

 

I'm so lonely. It's just one big joke. I wake up, do nothing but think of her all day then go to sleep. The same everyday while I wallow my life away in self pity. I'm pathetic.

 

If I didn't have my parents, that would be devastated, I would honestly top myself 100%.

[ahthepain]

Thanks man.

 

I did join an online dating site and havn't really had any luck. Tbh I am bad in pictures and every says much better in real life but I still feel that my ex was well out of my league. But she was with me for 3 years so I don't know what to think.

 

I miss her so much. I mean so so much. It's hit that 3 week mark where I broke NC last time and I'm finding it so hard to not go and see her or text, get my fix then go another few weeks.

 

I have like 2 friends. Well more but I mean 2 good friends and that is it really.

 

I hate socialising because it all reminds me of my ex and no other women look attractive compared to her.

 

Come on it's been nearly 3 months since BU It should be better atleast a little bit.

[BC1980]

Thanks man.

 

I did join an online dating site and havn't really had any luck. Tbh I am bad in pictures and every says much better in real life but I still feel that my ex was well out of my league. But she was with me for 3 years so I don't know what to think.

 

I miss her so much. I mean so so much. It's hit that 3 week mark where I broke NC last time and I'm finding it so hard to not go and see her or text, get my fix then go another few weeks.

 

I have like 2 friends. Well more but I mean 2 good friends and that is it really.

 

I hate socialising because it all reminds me of my ex and no other women look attractive compared to her.

 

Come on it's been nearly 3 months since BU It should be better atleast a little bit.

 

You need to go to therapy to sort all of this out. I don't think you have the tools to do it on your own. This is about more than the breakup.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Thanks man.

 

I did join an online dating site and havn't really had any luck. Tbh I am bad in pictures and every says much better in real life but I still feel that my ex was well out of my league. But she was with me for 3 years so I don't know what to think.

 

I miss her so much. I mean so so much. It's hit that 3 week mark where I broke NC last time and I'm finding it so hard to not go and see her or text, get my fix then go another few weeks.

 

I have like 2 friends. Well more but I mean 2 good friends and that is it really.

 

I hate socialising because it all reminds me of my ex and no other women look attractive compared to her.

 

Come on it's been nearly 3 months since BU It should be better atleast a little bit.

 

Its not getting better because you havent broken yourself away from it. Again, you only had 3 weeks of not contacting her for christ sakes. You want it to get better, but you are still living in memories.

 

Keep going forward. It takes time. AGAIN, there isnt some set time, but you have to WANT to get better. It doesnt sound like you want to at all...if thats the case, what we say will fall on deaf ears.

[ahthepain]

I really do thank you so much for your replies.

 

I'm sorry if it seems like I'm not listening but I am just finding this incredibly hard.

 

All day I day dream about ways to win her back. She has moved on and probably did many months before we broke up.

 

I just wish it would click! And I can wake up say it's going to be me just by myself today but I don't care. I'll be better off without her in the long run.

 

All I want is to see her get my quick fix of being with her for an hour or two then go away and it will be ok for a couple of weeks then this will happen again.

 

I have tried therapy but that doesn't seem to work.

[Simon Phoenix]

I really do thank you so much for your replies.

 

I'm sorry if it seems like I'm not listening but I am just finding this incredibly hard.

 

All day I day dream about ways to win her back. She has moved on and probably did many months before we broke up.

 

I just wish it would click! And I can wake up say it's going to be me just by myself today but I don't care. I'll be better off without her in the long run.

 

All I want is to see her get my quick fix of being with her for an hour or two then go away and it will be ok for a couple of weeks then this will happen again.

 

I have tried therapy but that doesn't seem to work.

 

You're a drug addict -- she's your addiction. Getting a "quick fix" won't work -- you'll feel good temporarily but then you'll feel worse afterward. And the amount of "good" that comes from each quick fix will diminish. You need to go No Contact and stay No Contact for as long as it takes. Three weeks isn't crap. You need to stop being an impulsive, impatient lump of crap and do positive things. Stop throwing your money away -- donate it to something positive if you don't want it. Stop driving like a selfish piece of crap -- you are liable to hurt or kill someone.

 

Be positive. Stop being a worthless lump of crap. Start small and keep with it -- you'll make it if you actually try. You haven't tried at all yet.

[ahthepain]

I am sticking at it. I have resisted the urge to contact her and this is the longest period I have gone with NC.

 

I don't understand why I think about her every second of every day even when I'm busy doing things. She was my only real friend and now I have noone. I mean how can I possibly move on when I lose my only friend and someone who I loved so much? I have tried.

 

I know 3 weeks isn't a long time but it's nearly 3 months since BU and look I'm not getting any better.

[Simon Phoenix]

I am sticking at it. I have resisted the urge to contact her and this is the longest period I have gone with NC.

 

I don't understand why I think about her every second of every day even when I'm busy doing things. She was my only real friend and now I have noone. I mean how can I possibly move on when I lose my only friend and someone who I loved so much? I have tried.

 

I know 3 weeks isn't a long time but it's nearly 3 months since BU and look I'm not getting any better.

 

Every time you broke NC, you reset your breakup clock to zero. So even though you have been broken up for three months, in reality your breakup clock is only at three weeks. And thinking about her every moment of every day is perfectly normal. It sucks, but you have to keep on going with NC. Every time you cave, you restart the clock. No more restarting the clock.

[ahthepain]

Thanks Simon.

 

Hopefully I'll be posting here in 6 weeks time having maintained NC.

 

I have driven by her house once but not gone in or contacted her and I occasionally see if she has updated her FB profile pik. I don't count them as breaking NC however I know I need to cut them out. I can stop the driving by hers but FB checking I will have a hard time doing but I will try because it doesn't help me in the slightest.

[Simon Phoenix]

Thanks Simon.

 

Hopefully I'll be posting here in 6 weeks time having maintained NC.

 

I have driven by her house once but not gone in or contacted her and I occasionally see if she has updated her FB profile pik. I don't count them as breaking NC however I know I need to cut them out. I can stop the driving by hers but FB checking I will have a hard time doing but I will try because it doesn't help me in the slightest.

 

Driving by her house and checking her Facebook profile in any way is breaking NC. You need to go hardcore, no exceptions. Block her Facebook if you can't resist the temptation. You should have done it already.

[ahthepain]

Just everything reminds me of her. We did everything together so what ever I do I can't escape memories of her.

 

So this is what drug addicts going cold turkey must feel like? I think this is worse maybe.

[Simon Phoenix]

Just everything reminds me of her. We did everything together so what ever I do I can't escape memories of her.

 

So this is what drug addicts going cold turkey must feel like? I think this is worse maybe.

 

Eventually you'll make new memories. But you have to stop picking the scab. That means no communicating (which you are doing), no checking up on her on social media in any way (which you need to stop) and no driving by her house (which you need to stop). You have to be complete and you have to live life. Make new friends, make new memories. Become a better you.

[sooshi]

She wasn't your only friend. You said you have two good friends. And you have a dog!

 

And you can make new friends, if you make that choice. I chose to make myself my own best friend.

 

I agree with the others who have said that you're choosing not to move on. A lot of things you've said sound like excuses. But it really does sound like you've made progress in some ways since your breakup.

 

If it's too hard to not look at her FB, block her. Or just leave FB altogether. It'll probably be hard at first and you might be tempted to find some way to look at her social media, but with practice and dedication to healing, you'll do it!

 

And like Simon said, don't drive by her house! I can imagine how bad that could make you feel.

 

Also, don't drive like crazy. Not cool.

 

And donate your money to a good cause. A good way of bringing joy into your life is bringing joy into the lives of others (I'm NOT talking about your ex here!). Do some volunteering, spend more time with your dog and your friends. Re-connect with positive people who you might not have spoken to in a while.

 

Create your life anew. You can choose to be happy. Hopefully, that's the choice you'll make every day!