One month post BU - Craving contact! [update]

[ahthepain]

Thanks guys.

 

I shall try to take everything you have said onboard.

 

I guess I'm not really trying to move on but it is hard to find the energy to go out and meet new people or get to the gym.

 

She isn't coming back I know that much. And it is so hard to accept. She loves the power she has when I contact her and drool over her then the power she gets when she tells me no. Why should I give that to her? She has treated me badly during the break up as things go so no more wasting time on her.

 

I shall do my best to not check her FB. I have blocked her and I will just tell myself not to check it off a public account.

[ahthepain]

Well I drove to the street around from her house and was about to go round the corner to see if she was there, but then I managed to stop myself.

 

I likened myself to a drug addict getting their quick fix. I knew that if I saw her and we chatted for a couple of hours I'd feel good for a few days maybe even a week or two after and I'd feel like I could do NC but then I'd hit this point ... again. So I drove home and didn't go to see if she was in.

 

I can't stop thinking about her mainly because she was my only real friend. I don't talk to anyone else or do anything with anyone else so I have lost all forms of social outlet and my best friend.

 

Even though I still love her would it help if I just saw her and we were friends? I know at first it would be hard and it has been to not try to kiss or touch like we use to but maybe I'd get over this easier if we were still friends.

[Simon Phoenix]

Well I drove to the street around from her house and was about to go round the corner to see if she was there, but then I managed to stop myself.

 

I likened myself to a drug addict getting their quick fix. I knew that if I saw her and we chatted for a couple of hours I'd feel good for a few days maybe even a week or two after and I'd feel like I could do NC but then I'd hit this point ... again. So I drove home and didn't go to see if she was in.

 

I can't stop thinking about her mainly because she was my only real friend. I don't talk to anyone else or do anything with anyone else so I have lost all forms of social outlet and my best friend.

 

Even though I still love her would it help if I just saw her and we were friends? I know at first it would be hard and it has been to not try to kiss or touch like we use to but maybe I'd get over this easier if we were still friends.

 

No, it would not help. It would be self-inflicted torture and is a ridiculous idea. You seem to have this stubborn pathological impulse to refuse to do anything to move forward in your life.

 

You need to make new friends. Go out and meet people, join a meet-up, join a club of some sort, hang out with people at work. Hell, go to a bar (though don't get drunk and drive) and just talk to people. Not to hook up, but just for social interaction. Honestly dude, you need to branch out.

 

It's time for you to evolve. Even if you were still with her, having her as your only social outlet is not healthy. This is something you need to do whether you are single or attached.

[KaliLove]

Doesn't she have a new boyfriend? How could it possibly feel good to hear about that? Being her friend is not an option for you right now, and probably never will be.

 

It was unfair for you to make her your only social outlet..you put a lot of pressure on her by doing that and I wouldn't be surprised if that was a factor in her decision to break up with you. You cannot depend on one person for everything. You need friends outside of your relationships so you're not demanding so much from one person.

 

Simon made some great suggestions above on how to meet other people. I hope you'll stop wallowing and actually take some of them.

[OwMyEyeball]

Well I drove to the street around from her house and was about to go round the corner to see if she was there, but then I managed to stop myself.

 

I likened myself to a drug addict getting their quick fix. I knew that if I saw her and we chatted for a couple of hours I'd feel good for a few days maybe even a week or two after and I'd feel like I could do NC but then I'd hit this point ... again. So I drove home and didn't go to see if she was in.

 

I can't stop thinking about her mainly because she was my only real friend. I don't talk to anyone else or do anything with anyone else so I have lost all forms of social outlet and my best friend.

 

Even though I still love her would it help if I just saw her and we were friends? I know at first it would be hard and it has been to not try to kiss or touch like we use to but maybe I'd get over this easier if we were still friends.

That WILL NOT WORK. You're just setting yourself up for a lot more heartache by thinking a 'just friends' approach is viable. That only ever works after you've fully, and completely moved on. Accepted. Feel indifferent towards her. And that takes months of NC. For some people years. That length of time is proportional to the effort put into YOURSELF for YOU.

 

Give this site a read for some real life strategies for getting past your ex.

 

Relying on a sole individual to provide your sense of self-worth is a guarantee for a life of misery. For anyone.

 

Grieve. Cry. Get angry. Be sad. But stay the hell away from her and remove all reminders of her you have that you possibly can. Indulge in healthy distractions for the interim period. You don't have to immediately go out and make new friends or immediately hit the gym and put in full hour-long workouts. Connect with a family member on a quick call or email here and there. Join a chat channel briefly. Take a brisk walk or jog. Get 10 minutes of exercise in a day, then try to boost them up a bit. There's no rush.

 

Always keep in your mind that you need to make a plan for how you are going to take care of YOU without HER. Stick to that plan. And for the love of God stick to NC!

 

Here are your key actions for the day:

 

- Delete her from FB and all other social media

- Throw or give away all personal reminders you have of her including physical objects and digital files

- Delete her contact info from your phone, email and any other device or service

- List all places non-essential to your daily life (i.e. job, studies, etc.) that you are likely to either run into her or be reminded by her. These are your NO GO zones.

 

Yes, it's hard. And yes, you'll be thanking yourself later for the hardships you'll be enduring by putting in real effort to recover.

[ahthepain]

Thanks for all those tips and suggestions guys.

 

The problem is I'm 3 months post BU now and did all the NC things only a week or two after BU.

 

Why have I made no progress and feel like death

[Simon Phoenix]

Thanks for all those tips and suggestions guys.

 

The problem is I'm 3 months post BU now and did all the NC things only a week or two after BU.

 

Why have I made no progress and feel like death

 

Because a) you didn't stick with them and b) you kept breaking No Contact. Recovery isn't something that happens at the snap of a finger -- it takes time and effort. It's not going to be easy -- nothing worth doing is. You have been lazy and have looked for instant gratification, instant answers, instant recovery. That ain't happening bud. You need to put on your work gloves and get ready for the grind. It's going to be hard work, but if you actually do it without lazily cutting corners, you'll make it out on the other end.

 

But yes, every time you got lazy and broke No Contact, you reset the clock. So at the very least, stop breaking No Contact.

[April Moon]

Because you just said you did the NC thing for only a week or two. NC works! When you do it correctly! I have blocked my ex on EVERYTHING! I haven't heard from him in almost a year. But I feel great! I have a new bf who I care deeply about. When I went no contact, he became dead to me. I am a shy person but I made myself go out with at least two friends a week (who I haven't seen in awhile). Then I went on casual dates. I didn't do it to meet the one. I did it to prove to myself that only my ex was a jerk and there are a bunch of fun nice guys out there. I think when people think about dating again they get all caught up in my ex was perfect and I'll never find someone again. It truly helps to be positive and keep working towards a goal. Just keep doing NC and participating in events. I like to think of NC as exercising and getting hobbies (or whatever) as dieting. You are not going to shed twenty pounds by exercising for one week but it takes time. You could shed twenty pounds by exercising alone but it will take way longer if you don't diet too. It takes a bunch of hard work but once you shed that twenty pounds you will realize how much better you life is now than it was.

I hope that analogy makes sense

Edited June 13, 2014 by April Moon
Spelling

[KaliLove]

You have to stop being creepy obsessed stalker guy and start being normal guy. Fake it til you make it.

[ahthepain]

I understand what you are all saying so thank you.

 

I have tried to stick at NC and find this mark of 3/4 weeks so hard. It is against my nature to just back down and concede defeat. I have always fought for what I want. If they broke up she would be left without a house ect and she may come back to me because she knows I'll take care of her. Even if she comes back 100% for the wrong reasons that will give me time to work my magic on her and bring her around again.

 

I know it's pure manipulation but hell it's the only thing I have left to try.

[April Moon]

You have many more options to try! Like try loving yourself and have dignity! Try finding a girl you don't have to manipulate in to being with you.

[KaliLove]

You don't understand sh*t dude. You think she's a freaking game of checkers that you can win. She's nothing but an object to you..you treat her with absolutely zero respect. You have no respect for women in general..you offered this chick money for sex. You masturbated on her bed when she clearly didn't want you there. You stalk her, you beg her to take you back, you guilt her, you try to manipulate her and you clearly think you're a lot smarter than her if you think she's going to fall for your plan. In short, you treat her like worthless trophy garbage. For someone who claims to love her, you have a very low opinion of this girl.

 

I have no sympathy left for you at all. You have no concept of how to treat other people with respect.

 

You're in for a world of hurt. Just don't murder anyone with your car when it happens. Or with anything else. Stay away from murder period.

[Simon Phoenix]

I understand what you are all saying so thank you.

 

I have tried to stick at NC and find this mark of 3/4 weeks so hard. It is against my nature to just back down and concede defeat. I have always fought for what I want. If they broke up she would be left without a house ect and she may come back to me because she knows I'll take care of her. Even if she comes back 100% for the wrong reasons that will give me time to work my magic on her and bring her around again.

 

I know it's pure manipulation but hell it's the only thing I have left to try.

 

Do you realize how stupid you sound saying something like this? Honestly, it's hard to have sympathy for you after reading this garbage.

[KaliLove]

Do you realize how stupid you sound saying something like this? Honestly, it's hard to have sympathy for you after reading this garbage.

 

I keep waiting for Glenn Close to put the computer down and jump out of the bathtub so Michael Douglas can shoot her and save us from reading any more posts like that...

[sooshi]

Like Simon said, it's hard to have sympathy for you at this point, simply because you don't show any true evidence that you're working on healing and wanting to get better.

 

And like Kali said, you don't respect this girl at all.

You also don't respect yourself.

 

Yes, recovery can be hard. But you have to put in the effort. It doesn't seem like you want to heal; you just want to WIN someone over. It's not going to happen, which is truly for the best for you, even though you don't see it now. So, just stop already!

 

Yes, NC can be hard. But if you genuinely want to get better, you've gotta do it. Genuinely wanting to get better will be motivation enough to keep at it.

 

I live about 270 miles away from my ex. I was recently invited by a friend near where he lives to visit this summer. I was apprehensive at first, since she only lives about 20 minutes away from my ex. But I've come to realize that I'm doing well enough to go without it being too much of a problem, and that if I do get sad, my friend will be there to support me, AND I'm not going to let some guy who hasn't treated me well stop me from being somewhere that I really want to be!

 

20 minutes away from him. I'm not going to have us drive to his house or drive in his neighbourhood. I probably won't even bring him up at all. Not going to send him anything. Not even going to tell him that I'm going.

 

Nothing.

 

It took a while to start NC, but Kali was a particularly strong advocate for it. I eventually stopped checking his Youtube, blog, and even stopped looking him up on Google. I stopped and it was hard. But now, I don't feel inclined to check any of those things anymore.

 

It works. You just have to truly want to heal. I've put in the effort because I do want to heal and to be the best me I can be. If you want to be the best you that you can be, then one step is to just STOP TRYING ANYTHING WITH HER. Keeping on try to manipulate the situation to get what you want is pure selfishness and nothing else. I'm not convinced at all that you care about this woman or that you even like her. Sadly, you just want to win at a game that you've made up and are playing on your own. You can keep doing it, but it'll just show that you don't really want to move forward in your life, and I think that's what this forum is about -- moving forward, and getting support to do so. So, either take even baby steps to healing and moving forward and post about your progress... OR don't take any steps to heal and keep posting (but if you choose this option, it's likely that support and sympathy will gradually dwindle and recede completely at some point if it happens long enough).

 

Hopefully, you'll choose the empowering option.

[ahthepain]

Thank you all again.

 

Sooshi you made some great points about me wanting to move on. On one hand yes I do however that would mean accepting that it is over. I know it is for the moment but I still love her with all my heart.

 

So while I'm here alone on a Friday night she is out with her new bf and all his friends having a great time. He will go back to hers have sex and all I have is me. Lonely, depressed me.

 

I'm not sure how I can move on from that.

[KaliLove]

That's your own fault that you're home alone. Not hers.

 

It IS over, and the sooner you accept it, the sooner you'll feel better. You're not a victim.

[sooshi]

I spend most of my time on my own. But I am rarely depressed or lonely, because I enjoy the process of getting to know myself better, and being my own best friend. It gets hard sometimes, but then I get to work it out with my best friend (ME!).

 

Who cares what she's doing? I know it's hard not to care. I sometimes care about what my ex is doing too. I do still wonder what he's been doing with his life. But I don't need to know, and NOT knowing actually helps a lot more than seeking to find out or obsessing over it.

 

You have some friends. You have a dog. And best of all, you have you! You just choose to have all of this chaos and to be mopey. Yes, I know it's hard sometimes to not feel lonely and unhappy. But it seems like you constantly make the choice to be that way. But guess what? You can choose to make the choice to be happy. Right now. And then you can make that choice again. Right now. And now. And now. Keep practicing making that choice RIGHT NOW, and that choice will become easier and more natural to make.

[ahthepain]

I'm trying to take all of these comments on board. I can't seem to motivate myself to be happy.

 

I joined match.com and sent a message to two girls who were probably abit less hot than my ex and they didn't even reply. That really hits my self esteem.

 

I know that if a girl as pretty as my ex once loved me for nearly 3 years then it's possible others could.

 

I miss her so much. When I was with her I didn't really see her too much as some intense gf, she was my best friend.

 

Kali said I don't care for her and she might be right. I can't distinguish whether this is just me wanting her back so I'm happy again. If she wasn't happy with me and is happier now then surely if I do care about her I'd try my hardest to move on.

 

Would going on any medication help me?

[sooshi]

You're continuing to objectify women. Is how they look all you care about?

 

You don't care about this girl. Whatever reasons you want to be with this girl, it has nothing to do with love or care. I'm sorry that sounds harsh, but you've shown time and time again that you neither love or care about her.

 

Stop making this about her (or seem to be about her). If you care about yourself, that's reason enough to work towards moving on.

 

Your posts come across as very, very desperate. Spend some time with yourself, going for a walk, play with your dog, etc. It doesn't sound at at like you're in any position to date. It sounds like you're very impatient with your recovery and expect instant gratification (as Simon said). Slow down. Take your time. Breathe.

[IHavNOclue]

HA.... Most men don't get replies at all on dating sites so don't let that bother you. You are in no shape what-so-ever to be on a dating site anyway.

[Simon Phoenix]

I'm trying to take all of these comments on board. I can't seem to motivate myself to be happy.

 

I joined match.com and sent a message to two girls who were probably abit less hot than my ex and they didn't even reply. That really hits my self esteem.

 

I know that if a girl as pretty as my ex once loved me for nearly 3 years then it's possible others could.

 

I miss her so much. When I was with her I didn't really see her too much as some intense gf, she was my best friend.

 

Kali said I don't care for her and she might be right. I can't distinguish whether this is just me wanting her back so I'm happy again. If she wasn't happy with me and is happier now then surely if I do care about her I'd try my hardest to move on.

 

Would going on any medication help me?

 

Dude, attractive girls on online dating get innudated with messages. OLD is pretty much unlimited shopping for women, as men are much, much more aggressive on there. Honestly, if you get 10 percent of the women you message to message you back you are doing better than the majority of on-line daters.

 

And who cares about how pretty she is? If that's all you think about, then I don't buy this whole lovelorn act you got going for a second.

[ahthepain]

Well I thought about her all day again, but I;m really not sure if this is tied in with my gambling.

 

I am putting down all of my money, only $150,000 left, on one bet that is a 3/1 so probably won't come off. I've got the confidence to place that bet because of where my head is at at the moment. If it doesn't come off I don't know what I'll do, I always thought if I lost all my money I would top myself but I'm not sure I have the balls to go through with that.

 

I always think that something good must come from something bad so I think the fact I'll win half a million that I wouldn't have if she hadn't dumped me is the good thing.

 

Strange logic.

 

So am I not healing because I'm still using this as an excuse to gamble? Maybe. IF I win next week when I place the bet will I feel better and be able to move on? Who knows.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Well I thought about her all day again, but I;m really not sure if this is tied in with my gambling.

 

I am putting down all of my money, only $150,000 left, on one bet that is a 3/1 so probably won't come off. I've got the confidence to place that bet because of where my head is at at the moment. If it doesn't come off I don't know what I'll do, I always thought if I lost all my money I would top myself but I'm not sure I have the balls to go through with that.

 

I always think that something good must come from something bad so I think the fact I'll win half a million that I wouldn't have if she hadn't dumped me is the good thing.

 

Strange logic.

 

So am I not healing because I'm still using this as an excuse to gamble? Maybe. IF I win next week when I place the bet will I feel better and be able to move on? Who knows.

 

Jesus Christ. Get help

[KaliLove]

Well I thought about her all day again, but I;m really not sure if this is tied in with my gambling.

 

I am putting down all of my money, only $150,000 left, on one bet that is a 3/1 so probably won't come off. I've got the confidence to place that bet because of where my head is at at the moment. If it doesn't come off I don't know what I'll do, I always thought if I lost all my money I would top myself but I'm not sure I have the balls to go through with that.

 

I always think that something good must come from something bad so I think the fact I'll win half a million that I wouldn't have if she hadn't dumped me is the good thing.

 

Strange logic.

 

So am I not healing because I'm still using this as an excuse to gamble? Maybe. IF I win next week when I place the bet will I feel better and be able to move on? Who knows.

 

What the hell is wrong with you? If you don't want the money, give it to someone who deserves it and will appreciate it (NOT your ex). First things first, you need to go to Gamblers Anonymous because you are clearly an addict.

 

Why do you keep posting here if you don't want to get any better?

Edited June 14, 2014 by KaliLove