mourningMM Posted February 4, 2005 Share Posted February 4, 2005 Something today made me think about my MM...and why we spent time toghether. I read a sentence that just set off a firestorm of thoughts and ideas and feelings in my head and my heart. I wanted to share it with all of you Be careful in all that you choose to do, because the mind will not forget and the heart will never be the same. This works on so many levels and says so many things. He chose to be with me and helped heal heart-wounds that I got from my divorce. He chose to accept that I needed more than he could honestly give me. His choices say to me that he was a good man, who needed to give to a woman in need, but understood that the limits in the relationship. His choices made it clear that although like most men who stray, he was unhappy in his relationship with his wife, he took responsibility for his actions and was willing to work to make the women in his life happy. That meant he and I had to stop. That meant he had to focus his energy on his marriage to see if it could work. I'm sure that if he were still alive, every once in a while we would get back together, when one of us needed what the other had to give. Freely given, freely taken...but both of us understanding that he didn't have the right to give what he offered. I am sure that the loniness that I'm feeling would have made him send me an email. He always knew when I needed a bit of attention. I think that is the profound thought...when a person is married they no longer have the right to make a choice for themself...they have to make all choices along with their spouses. I think that is what cheating MM/MW don't understand. They don't understand that their committment, their vow, should stop them from making any choices without their husband's or wife's agreement. Our minds and our hearts were changed forever when we started our affair...I wish I could know whether it was for the better or not. He is on my mind today. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted February 4, 2005 Share Posted February 4, 2005 Originally posted by mourningMM I think that is the profound thought...when a person is married they no longer have the right to make a choice for themself...they have to make all choices along with their spouses. I think that is what cheating MM/MW don't understand. They don't understand that their committment, their vow, should stop them from making any choices without their husband's or wife's agreement. All I can say is....WOW. I'm a definite anti-cheating person...I highly doubt anyone is surprised by that statement. But I have to say that you are the FIRST OM/OW I have seen on this board to understand this concept. Heck...the whole reason that most people end up here on LS is because someone forgot this simple truth. It applies to your family period. I can't make a decision without taking into account ALL the people I hold a responsibility to. My wife, my kids. And it's when we start forgetting our responsibilities to each other, or stop caring about them that we end up in a bad situation. I don't know you, nor did I know your MM. But I have to say that I wish you well in whatever comes your way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mourningMM Posted February 4, 2005 Author Share Posted February 4, 2005 If you've read my other posts, you'll see that I've actually been on both sides. I was married, and understood my responsibilities as a wife, and mother...my ex did not. The way he left, and the choices he made were destructive on more levels than he will ever understand. While I was standing in the rubble of my life, feeling like there was no value in me as a person, since the one person I loved with all my heart had rejected me, I was open to the relationship with my MM. Deep down I think a part of him needed to help a "damsel in distress"...and he was so wonderfully good for my ego I could not turn him away. I knew he was married, but I couldn't say no. In my defense, I never wanted his marriage to end...and although he was the one cheating, I felt that what I was doing was wrong. But there was a small part of me that was being totally selfish and like a three-year-old with a tantrum saying "Why should I give up this person who makes me feel better about myself". As long as I was in that place, my relationship with MM was satisfying to both of us. His wife was not open to him on many levels, but the most difficult one for him to deal with was sex. She was interested before they got married, but lost all interest once she got the ring... As long as I kept it physical only I was able to justify my actions by thinking that I was actually doing her a favor by keeping him away from women who would want more... But in the end, he realized I had healed and was ready to need more...and he realized that what we did just drained energy and attention from addressing the problems in his marriage honestly. And now I think that what I gave him was the confidence and the energy and the strength to speak up for himself with his wife... and then he died. We both chose to be there for each other, but in the end respected his need to be an upright guy and follow through on his commitment. He gave me back my self-confidence and sexuality after three years of being beaten down verbally by a man who blamed me for not being the woman he loved. I have to live on with my ex and his OW getting engaged and married. I have to share my children with her. Believe me when I say I understand that an emotional affair is much more damaging than a physical one. I hope his wife never, ever finds out. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted February 4, 2005 Share Posted February 4, 2005 I believe you that an emotional affair is more devestating than a physical one...my wife had an online emotional affair about 9 months ago. When I confronted her about it, she packed up and moved to a motel in preperation to go live with a man she'd never met face to face. My 17 year old son wrote a poem about the week that this all was going on...I just saw that poem for the first time today. Here's part of it: Face of my Father (poem ) A week I will never forget. The way the face looked at all of us, the sagging eyes of the highest caliber of fatigue the shadow that covered his face with hair. His was on the verge of welling tears in his eyes, His face downcast with dishonor. An aged voice deep with sorrow A weariness I had never witnessed in my whole life. Why had it come to my father? He never ate, never slept, never changed his clothes, All that was in his mind was the love lost from my mother. Why had my mother tried to leave? She was everything to him. I remember he said at least ten times a day "What am I to do?" All that was in his mind was the loss He was lost, his mind was gone. He was the strongest man I knew, But now he was so weak, so vulnerable. Please...I'd ask no one to pass this poem on or copy it. It was written by my son...I don't know what he plans on doing with it. But I would say it pretty much sums up what it's like when you learn about an affair. Link to post Share on other sites
newby Posted February 4, 2005 Share Posted February 4, 2005 wow! that poem is so beautiful, i remember when my mother had an affair and seeing my father exactly the same way, it was a perfect description. i was 17 too. Link to post Share on other sites
newby Posted February 4, 2005 Share Posted February 4, 2005 mourning, i feel for you. you have articulated so well what the ow feels but most find harder to express. obviously you have the grief too and it must be so hard. do you have people around you that know of the situation and are supportive? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mourningMM Posted February 4, 2005 Author Share Posted February 4, 2005 I have friends that are supportive, but in as a betrayed spouse there is really no person to turn to that can fill the void created by the betraying spouse. It is a space in the heart and soul and mind of a married person that has been built for just one person alone. And no other will ever fit all of the nooks and crannies left behind when there is abandonment. But I think that over time, being able to re-evaluate the relationship that went sour, the spouse who was left has options...and can eventually decide which spaces in their heart and soul and mind are spaces that can be filled...and which ones are the result of the disfunction of the relationship that died. There is opportunity to find new ways to fill the void...and in the end I am hopeful that I will find a way not to ache with the future that would/should have been. The future that he has given to his OW. On the other hand, as an ex-OW, I know that the person who is responsible for keeping their vow is the person who is married. I also know that if the OW/OM does not give a betraying spouse a vision of an easier future, they will not leave their marriage. I started this thread because of a quote: Be careful in all that you choose to do, because the mind will not forget and the heart will never be the same It can be cautionary to the spouse who is considering betrayal, that person should realize that the damage it can cause will never completely be repaired. It can be inspiring to a friend or lover, who if they choose to be selfless and supportive can heal some of the wounds that happen to a heart . It can be supportive of a family because it gives guidance to parents and reminds them of responsibility to the family. It is a quote from one of the threads on this board that touched my heart and soul and mind in places that were sore from the void .... the void caused by my ex-husband's departure. the void caused by my MM's death. the void caused by my current boyfriend's inability to open his life to me... and given me food for thought. And being able to share these thoughts with people who have experienced similar events is more supportive than anything else right now. Because none of my close friends has lived on both sides of an affair... Link to post Share on other sites
newby Posted February 5, 2005 Share Posted February 5, 2005 i havent either. i must admit i dont like the quote. i can understand that in the midst of such pain and sorrow it might seem to sum it all up. i like to believe that it is never too late and love can heal all. in fact i do believe this. meditation. a way of getting back to the true heart and self. there is a book called the power of now, have you heard of it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mourningMM Posted February 5, 2005 Author Share Posted February 5, 2005 I haven't, but I'm always looking for a good read. I'll check it out. Thanks for the suggestion. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 5, 2005 Share Posted February 5, 2005 That poem your son wrote is absolutely beautifully put yet so emotionally sad. Expressing his pain as he saw you Wow. Broke my heart reading that and just knowing how much pain you suffered is just plain horrible. It's good now to see that your family pulled through this and you're all close again. MM, hang in there, keep his memory close to your heart. I'm sorry that you're feeling sad today. Link to post Share on other sites
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