She filed, now says she wants to try

[angryandhurt]

Hello everybody first time being here and looking for advice.

My wife and I have been married for almost 6 years, known each other 8. Im 31 and she is 27. We have a 5 year old son and a 3 year old daughter.

She works in EMS and I had suspected for some time there was something going on between her and her shift partner of 2 years, who left for another job in Oct but she was staying in contact with.

 

Finally on November 8th I couldn't take it anymore and I confronted her about it. She admitted to having feelings for him and that they had kissed. Her mom was very sick with cancer and she left for her parents, which is about 5 hours away, for a few weeks. She would barely talk to me the whole time she was there.

When she came home she decided we should separate for awhile and see how things go, and I was willing to try to move forward in our marriage. She moved into with a single friend. We decided to go to marriage counseling and she went 3 times before saying she was done and not going any more.

There was always a lot of tension between us. I asked her to do little things like come home and eat dinner as a family, try staying at the house 1 night a week, and so on to try to work back together. She never would. And she started living "the single life" with her friend and always going out and running around all the time. We are ones who dont drink except for a few times a year together and she was out drinking often to say the least. She was hiding everything she was doing and who she was talking to. There were many people who were calling and texting her that had no reason to be doing so, and many no reason even to know her.

 

On December 22 her mom died. It was an unbelievably hard time for her. And it was really awkward for me because she had told most of her family she wasnt living at home and she thought she was divorcing me. I tried to be there for her as much as possible. But I had to come back home and work and she stayed for a few weeks. Even when she returned I tried to be there but she wouldnt allow it.

 

She continued to not care at all, despite me saying I wanted to work on things and wanted her to cut out talking to all these other people, especially the old partner who she still was talking to "occasionally". In February she finally decided to sit down and talk to me and told me they had a relationship for close to 2 years and over the last year they had been having a full blown affair and she didnt think there was any way of saving our marriage. I told her I still was willing to try to move past everything and save our family. I just wanted her to cut out all the people she was talking to that had no reason to be doing so because they only wanted one thing and wanted her to start working toward moving home.

 

She continued to talk to these people, stay at her friends house, run around, and tell me things like "we're over", "move on", "find somebody", "I'm not coming back", "I dont love you and never will again", and when talking about me to other people referred to me as her "ex-husband".

On March 11 she filed for divorce and said she wanted to keep it out of court and she wanted no child support as long as I continued to provide for our children. I told her I still wanted to work on things and I wasn't giving up on her.

 

On April 10 she went to a concert and she invited the old shift partner, even though I was told she hadnt been talking to him. And then posted a picture of her basically sitting on his lap with his arm around her on social media. On the 11th she went to an all day conference that she had no reason to attend with a group of people. I found out from some people there she ditched the people she went with and spent the whole day with the old partner. On the 12th she went to an event with some people and the old partner was there working at one of his part time jobs and I found out they were "flirting" and she again posted a picture of the 2 of them together on social media. She then went to the friends house after the even and they got into an argument and she left and went to the old shift partners apartment and stayed the night.

 

When she came to get the kids on the 13th so I could go to work I told her I wasnt allowing her to hurt me anymore and I was through with all this and I signed the paperwork agreeing to the divorce. She was happy about it and even told me thank you and she would never try to take the kids from me and she was sorry it got like this.

 

Her and her friend havent spoke since the argument and my "wife" has no family where we live and is about 5 hours from anybody. So, I agreed she could come back to the house and I would stay in the basement or at my moms based on my work schedule (I work swing shift).

 

April 16 she finds out I talked to a girl. Shes a pretty girl, not more than my wife, but it was solely as friends. But also something I made sure not to do before because I never wanted my wife to ever think more was going on and I never wanted her to have any suspicions about me.

 

April 17 she says she thinks she made a big mistake and she wants to try and she wants me to stay at home and do family things and go out with her and go back to counseling with her. But the problem is I've tried for almost 6 months and got some of the most hurtful things said to me while I was asking her to try, not make it work, but try to work through her 2 year affair, and I'm to the point of "shes just going to hurt me again". Shes admitted that at least 6 of the people who have had no business talking to her that she said were just friends have asked her out (some even before we were separated) or told others they were trying to get in her pants and she was wrong about all these people. She said she doesnt want to break up our family and she would do anything to save our marriage. She has told me the reason we had problems is because I was "controlling" and I was "always at work" and didnt care about her. But she admitted that her old shift partner used to, and probably still does, tell her what she can and cant do, when she IS spending time with him, and that he has even grabbed her by the throat and thrown her down on another occasion.

 

Today she found out a girl has ask me to go eat with her and my "wife" is flipping out with many threats of taking the kids and moving close to her parents so I never see them, she says she even applied for 2 jobs up there, she that I know how many people want to be with her and she could do whatever she wants.

 

It hurts me so bad she would consider taking our children from me that way. It honestly hurts knowing she will probably go back to her old shift partner or possibly some of these others I know shes been talking to. I am very worried about our children and what they are going to be around and exposed to. I also care about her and dont want to see her in a abusive relationship, even if I know I can never trust her and will always be hurt by her.

[Trep]

Do you really want to be with someone who's blackmailing you to stay with them?

 

It's quite simple, she wanted to have her cake and eat it to. She was getting to go out and sleep around knowing that you were at home ready and waiting to be with her when she was done living the single life. Once you signed the papers and showed that it was over and started moving on by talking to the other girl she realised you were done with her and is now trying to weasel her way back in.

[A.Moscote]

Hi. I hope you will be strong and patience through out this trying time. Take things slowly to move on, even by steps. Proceed the divorce (and subsequently go for co-parenting), it would at least set your starting block on a neutral ground.

 

It's not impossible for you to keep on involved in her life if you are that worry about her situation. It all depends on how you prepare her for this ending. Be the better person at this time. Treat her with kindness and care even though you are hurting, but at the same time be firm on the fact that you want to move on.

 

Who knows maybe one day she will grow up and improve herself. Maybe you are the one influential person toward that. There is one such thread in infidelity section now.

[sumathi]

Your married life is one big mess. Your wife does not care for you and does not love you. You will never any happiness with a wife who cheats on you. She does not value you. I do not think your marriage would work as she seems to be fickle minded and untrustworthy. Grant her divorce if she wants it and you would be a much happier and relieved man. It is true your children mean a lot to you, but you should not allow her to emotionally blackmail you by saying that she will take the children away.

 

Let the court decide on the custody of the children.

[No Limit]

Don't fall for the "let's try again" lie. She sounds like a very toxic person; go on with the divorce. She's just angry because she believes that you're now the one having fun with other people even though she intended to live that life.

[angryandhurt]

Thanks everybody. I have thought everything all of you have said. Having you all say the exact things I am thinking helps ease me that I'm not doing the wrong thing.

 

My kids are a huge part of my life and it makes all of this really hard. She is all upset now that I wont work on us, and keeps trying to say she made a mistake and she can "be the person she was before". I'm just tired of the lies and knowing it went on for 2 years and then she pulled all these other things the last 6 months.

 

I am tired of the lies and drama. I am a VERY simple man and all this has me all worked up and hurt.

[Radu]

On April 10 she went to a concert and she invited the old shift partner, even though I was told she hadnt been talking to him. And then posted a picture of her basically sitting on his lap with his arm around her on social media. On the 11th she went to an all day conference that she had no reason to attend with a group of people. I found out from some people there she ditched the people she went with and spent the whole day with the old partner. On the 12th she went to an event with some people and the old partner was there working at one of his part time jobs and I found out they were "flirting" and she again posted a picture of the 2 of them together on social media. She then went to the friends house after the even and they got into an argument and she left and went to the old shift partners apartment and stayed the night.

 

When she came to get the kids on the 13th so I could go to work I told her I wasnt allowing her to hurt me anymore and I was through with all this and I signed the paperwork agreeing to the divorce. She was happy about it and even told me thank you and she would never try to take the kids from me and she was sorry it got like this.

You gave her what she wanted, off-course she was happy.

But divorcing her does not mean that you are done with your 'assigned' role in her life.

 

Her and her friend havent spoke since the argument and my "wife" has no family where we live and is about 5 hours from anybody. So, I agreed she could come back to the house and I would stay in the basement or at my moms based on my work schedule (I work swing shift).

Stay in the basement, don't leave the family home.

Also talk to a lawyer if you haven't already.

 

April 16 she finds out I talked to a girl. Shes a pretty girl, not more than my wife, but it was solely as friends. But also something I made sure not to do before because I never wanted my wife to ever think more was going on and I never wanted her to have any suspicions about me.

 

April 17 she says she thinks she made a big mistake and she wants to try and she wants me to stay at home and do family things and go out with her and go back to counseling with her.

You are moving out of your role as an option to her, and it matters to her.

 

But the problem is I've tried for almost 6 months and got some of the most hurtful things said to me while I was asking her to try, not make it work, but try to work through her 2 year affair, and I'm to the point of "shes just going to hurt me again". Shes admitted that at least 6 of the people who have had no business talking to her that she said were just friends have asked her out (some even before we were separated) or told others they were trying to get in her pants and she was wrong about all these people.

The last parts were also said with the purpose of making herself look more attractive, a sort of 'look at me, at how many ppl want me, how desirable i am, how many options i have'.

 

She said she doesnt want to break up our family and she would do anything to save our marriage.

What marriage ?; you signed the papers.

 

She has told me the reason we had problems is because I was "controlling" and I was "always at work" and didnt care about her. But she admitted that her old shift partner used to, and probably still does, tell her what she can and cant do, when she IS spending time with him, and that he has even grabbed her by the throat and thrown her down on another occasion.

At this point you're supposed to feel like a white knight and protect her, because hey ... he 'harmed' her.

 

Today she found out a girl has ask me to go eat with her and my "wife" is flipping out with many threats of taking the kids and moving close to her parents so I never see them, she says she even applied for 2 jobs up there, she that I know how many people want to be with her and she could do whatever she wants.

Sweet talking did not work, so now she is doing threats.

Have you talked to a lawyer ???

 

It hurts me so bad she would consider taking our children from me that way. It honestly hurts knowing she will probably go back to her old shift partner or possibly some of these others I know shes been talking to. I am very worried about our children and what they are going to be around and exposed to. I also care about her and dont want to see her in a abusive relationship, even if I know I can never trust her and will always be hurt by her.

In a study, 70% of women have admitted they used the kids [when it was their former partners time] to get back at their former partners in one way or another.

It's one of their primo weapons, and some simply don't care, are too enmeshed into their own little worlds to figure it out.

If possible you should document this [after speaking to a lawyer].

 

She is a walking, talking abusive relationship, and she is controlling [which is what she accused you of being].

I really hope you talked to a lawyer.

[Radu]

Thanks everybody. I have thought everything all of you have said. Having you all say the exact things I am thinking helps ease me that I'm not doing the wrong thing.

 

My kids are a huge part of my life and it makes all of this really hard. She is all upset now that I wont work on us, and keeps trying to say she made a mistake and she can "be the person she was before". I'm just tired of the lies and knowing it went on for 2 years and then she pulled all these other things the last 6 months.

 

I am tired of the lies and drama. I am a VERY simple man and all this has me all worked up and hurt.

 

Talk to a lawyer and come up with a strategy to prevent her from taking the kids.

 

You have rights to as the father.

[A.Moscote]

She's all upset because her world is all tumbled down right now. Give her some time and space to calm and grasp the reality. Tell her she can always be the person she was before, in fact why don't she starts now.

 

Remember you are acting for the future, and one aspect of it is to not have a crazy bitter ex-wife. So be very patience and nice (oh really avoid the jabs) with her now and through out the whole process.

 

At this stage it is still a considerably long road ahead with all the bumps and pits. Keep things clean, clear and in control, you will get the life you want eventually.

[Woggle]

She 's just mad that you are finally starting to move on. Walkaway wives for some reason are hurt when a man isn't some crying and blubbering mess.

[GorillaTheater]

April 16 she finds out I talked to a girl. Shes a pretty girl, not more than my wife, but it was solely as friends.

 

...

 

April 17 she says she thinks she made a big mistake and she wants to try and she wants me to stay at home and do family things and go out with her and go back to counseling with her.

 

Well, that timing is pretty obvious.

 

"I don't want you, but I don't want anyone else to want you". Pretty common story.

 

Go through with the divorce.

[worldgonewrong]

Yeah, this is a fairly typical story.

Long and short of it, from my history:

Ex-W cheated, filed the divorce papers, etc.

I eventually moved on, met my current GF (who is, for what it's worth, better looking), and now on the few rare occasions that I do see the Ex-W, she looks a bitter, nervous wreck. As if I had somehow "won" despite everything she put me through; as if moving-on was a competitive thing.

(PS, Ex-W is aware of my relationship; of that I'm fairly certain.)

 

Just...don't take her back. Your STBXW echoes so many of the same selfish characteristics I & others have endured. You'd be a masochist if you took her back.