My dad might be having an affair.. advice?

[Spengles]

I really don't know what to say. I guess a little background info would help. Basically, my dad is a very controlling person. He likes to put my mom, my sister and myself down quite a bit.. probably because we don't meet his expectations. The reason I need advice is I don't want my mother to get hurt any more. My dad constantly puts her down for not being a doctor like he is.. and ridicules her low paying salary (she owns an after-school enrichment center). He tells her constantly that he used her to get to America and never, ever loved her.. they're both asian and were born over there. Just to give you an idea of what kinda of person he is.. he brings up my mom's mother's death everytime he throws a tantrum. My grandmother passed away a few months ago and it hit my mother hard.. pretty much since she's the only one taht I guess she felt close to.. to talk and all. Lately, my sister and I have been trying to look out for her more and more but it's tough.. myself being a senior in college that still lives at home and my sister being a junior in high school. So yeah.. he tends to bring that up saying things like, "you'll be next to go".. it's bad. But then again.. he can be extremely nice. Like.. he basically raised both my sister and I by spoiling us contantly. But he definately has a mean streak.

 

Anyways.

 

I recently saw an instant message that was meant for him with something along the lines of.. "hey sexy.." which really freaked me out. I in turn, hacked into his email account and discovered taht for the past week or two, he's been emailing guys online and they've been sending him pictures of themselves and supposedly he's going to meet up with one of them on an upcoming business trip.. and he's going to pay them? What worries me is in his emails.. he talks about how he dreams of him.. and *cringes* loves him. I have no idea what to do with this.. and my sister and I are totally freaking out.

 

Another thing.. he always chastizes me and ridicules me.. calling me a fag b/c the majority of my friends are guys.. Im just socially horrible with girls but that's ANOTHER point.. so he's gay but he tries to hide it by trying to attack my sexulaity? Ugh.

 

I know they both lead very empty lives. I don't think that they've touched each other or even kissed in countless years. Their relationship has turned into a mutual beneficial type.. with him making money and her handling everything else. He has lost his hearing so it's hard for him to communicate. My mother and I have always discussed moving out.. and I guess we're waiting on my sister to graduate high school. But then again on the other hand.. he's my father and I do feel sorry for him. He comes home from working very long shifts.. eats.. watches tv and sleeps on the couch. Every day. And on top of that.. I'm dealing with my own problems.. being 21 and still living at home.. but now.. I don't think I could leave my mother. I think she still cares for him? Or at least for this family? The other day she was looking through pamphlets for building a pool in our backyard. I feel so sorry for them and I wish they both could have had better lives.. it's depressing but.. I don't know what to do. Can someone please help me?

[MassiveAtom]

Your concern for your parents is ADMIRABLE!

 

You have to let them work this out for them though. They HAVE to talk about things.

 

If your childhood was lived in this relationship environment, you may want to seek some guidance in finding the ways it has affected your beliefs and emotions.

 

Maybe talk with your dad about things, but don't get in the middle.

 

Between a man and a woman is where fools rush in, and angels fear to tread.

[Spengles]

I can't really sit down and have a discussion with him. Once he's set in his ways -- he'll never budge. He's tried to instill his "values" upon me.. never trust a women... It makes me physically sick that someone that thinks like that actually exists. I owe it to my mother for teaching me good, decent values. I just want to protect her and I don't know how this would even affect her.

[FolderWife]

Yuck he sounds like a heartless meanie Which is probably why every Asian woman that I've ever met acts like a scared rabbit, and every Asian man I've met acts like a cocky jackass I guess men from Asia are raised to be dominering, and the woman submissive.

[Elmo]

You are an adult man. MOVE OUT.

 

This is a rotten situtation for your mother.

 

It is her rotten situation.

 

You should move out now. Stop spying on the man who owns the house you live in.

 

When you move out, be supportive of your mom. If she is very unhappy, offer her a place to stay with you. You may find that she knows EVERYTHING about her husband but has chosen to stay with him for her own reasons.

 

It may be hard for you to understand...but it is their relationship...and you may be offended by his actions....but your mom may want to keep things as they have been.

 

Make your own life, get your own girl friend, in your own sweet time.

 

Remove yourself from the middle of a relationship between two grown people who can figure their own lives out.

[Elmo]

Originally posted by Monday

Yuck he sounds like a heartless meanie Which is probably why every Asian woman that I've ever met acts like a scared rabbit, and every Asian man I've met acts like a cocky jackass I guess men from Asia are raised to be dominering, and the woman submissive.

 

 

Wow! You haven't been out in the world much, have you?

[Mr Spock]

Didn't say ALL were like that, just the ones she's met.

[Elmo]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

Didn't say ALL were like that, just the ones she's met.

 

 

Uh...so I guess my statement would still apply, no?

[Mr Spock]

Never said it didn't. Just wanted to clarify the statement before the righteous hijacked this poor guy's thread into a racism debate.

[SoleMate]

Spengles, it's a very sad situation. I want to point out a few things. If you are sure that your parents no longer have physical intimacy, which seems quite likely, then I don't see any urgent reason (like health) for your mother to know that he is seeking male partner(s) and becoming emotionally involved with said partner(s). She already knows how bad their marriage and their sex life are. In fact, there is a good chance she already knows about your father's escapades and would not welcome you making it clear that you know as well.

 

I think the proper course of action for you is very clear:

 

1) Take good care of your mom, your sister and yourself

2) Don't stick your nose in your dad's personal business

3) Seek a balance between caring for your family and fixing their lives

4) Seek a balance between caring for your family and living your life

[suegail]

Something wonderful did happen when these two people got together - - they had you. Many people around your age, under these circumstances would find it hard to care about how it would affect anyone other than themselves. I admire you, to no end, for the understanding and love and deep concern you've expressed for both parents.

 

I wish it sounded as though your father would accept counseling, but you've pointed out that he's opinionated and bullheaded prone to hostility and devious to boot, which does not bode well...

 

A few people have remarked that they feel it's quite possible your mother is well aware of your father's other interests, however I tend to doubt that. She knows, no doubt, that he's cold and distant, but I doubt that she's aware of this. I'd be surprised if she did know - put it that way. These guys who lead double lives, I think they do it and believe it is totally a separate thing from their everyday life, not connected whatsoever, and they live that way. Also, from what you've said in reference to your father's unkind remarks regarding his perceptions of your sexuality, I would take that to mean he would consider it a thing to be hidden, a shameful dark secret.

 

I guess my thought is, if I were in your mom's shoes, I'd want to know. I don't know that you should be the one to tell her, I really don't know, but I do feel it should not be hidden from her. As the years pass, is he going to just stop this kind of thing? I doubt it, now that he's started. I just feel it should be in the open and your mother should have the chance to decide what she wants to do. Perhaps if it were in the open your father would show some sensitivity, and he would accept that he does need help. That might be what it takes to break down the walls he's built, sort of a shock factor.

 

Maybe you should speak with a counselor, someone who can better advise you, someone who had dealt with similar situations.

 

You and your family will be in my prayers.....

 

suegail

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Well, as you know, there are certain facts that can be distilled from the information you have provided:

 

1. Your father is gay, or at minimum, bi-sexual. That doesn't necessarily mean he is a bad person, or that he doesn't love you, but I think you can be sure of his sexual orientation at this point.

 

2. Your father is not being faithful to your mother. "Might be" having an affair? Um, no. He is. It is an emotional affair, and if it is not yet physical, it soon will be.

 

3. Your father is emotionally abusive - belittling you and your mother and your family to deal with his own insecurity is just bad.

 

4. Your supposition that he is projecting his own insecurity about being gay onto you by calling you a "fag", is correct. And "Ugh" is a good way to describe that.

 

So now, the question is what do you do... Tough question. I guess that all depends on your relationship with your mother, and your father, and how your family works. On the one hand, if what you said about your mother and father no longer sleeping together is true, then it IS possible that your mother might already know, and has "acquiessed" all of these years to his homosexual affairs to keep the family together. If that is the case, she did that for you and your sister, or at least she thinks she did, which should tell you about just how much your mom loves you.

 

You have to weigh whether telling her at this point, would just hurt her more - either by her knowing, or by her knowing that you know, even if she already knows herself. At least right now, she has the appearance of outwardly being a respected wife in the eyes of her children. You should think carefully before taking that away from her (ESPECIALLY if you think she already knows).

 

I can't tell you what you should do. Luckily, I have never had a problem like this one. You might want to consider moving out. You also might want to consider having a "fishing expedition" conversation with your mom, to try to get some sense of what she does and does not know. If you get the sense that she already knows, there is a reason she has not told you all these years - it is called saving face. If she already knows, do not take that away from her by "telling her".

 

Best of luck, and it sounds like you and your sister have a bad situation to deal with. In your situation, I would not let him sleep with strange men and then sleep with her, exposing her to all kinds of sexually transmitted diseases, if I thought she did not know - that's just not right. OTOH, your parents may not be sleeping together anymore, or your mom may already know, in which case, it is best for you to stay out of it.