Wife left me 7 weeks ago

[UK Man]

Hello everyone

 

I'm from the UK and need some advice please

 

I have been married for 25 years . Have a son of 23 and a daughter of 22

 

Our marriage over the last 5 years has got into a rut . Only sleeping together probably about 6 times in the 5 years

 

I haven't been perfect . I used to swear / curse at her in arguments that I know she didn't like . Used the C word . She used to to call me all names , but I knew she hated this word . There have been times when she's ripped the shirt off my back , scratches etc. in bad rows

 

We have had good times in the last 5 years too . Going to concerts together , sporting events, Lovely holidays abroad

 

I used to work nights and only saw my wife on possibly a friday and saturday afternoon if she was home , and then all day sunday . Which at this point I was tired and didn't want to do anything as a couple

 

I called her that curse name that she hates 2 weeks before she left , she said it was like a light bulb going off in her head and said she had to leave

 

She told me she was leaving out of the blue 7 weeks ago to go and stay with her married friends

 

For the first 5 weeks , I constantly text her and turned up at the house where she was staying a few times . This really done her head in and annoyed her , as my daughter told me. She has been out drinking in town a few times with my daughter and friends and got really drunk . I even turned up there , which annoyed the hell out of her . I saw her chatting to a man some 20 years younger . My daughter said it was harmless as they were only talking

 

I have left her alone for the last few weeks , but it's hard

 

She says she doesn't love me any more, cares for me . She says she is enjoying her new single life and freedom with not having to answer to anyone i.e me .

 

She is a civillian working on an army base and has found out she can move onto the base and live in the seargents mess . This she said will be great as It will give her her own space as her friends house isn't big, even though her en-suite room wont be big . She can also bring the dog there which she is happy about . The thought off all the men there is driving me mad

 

I have tried everything to get her back . Wrote her a letter with how I would change . Be more considerate , do more family things , treat her with respect etc. but all she says is that her decision is made and she wont change her mind

 

I even sent a huge bunch of flowers to her work

 

She says when she goes out drinking with my daughter or her friends its like a relief valve let go and she really enjoys not answering to me 8/10 hours partying

 

I think she intends to move onto the army base in the next 2 weeks , which i feel will be a bad move for her coming back . I feel the longer we are apart , the easier it will be for her to stay away

 

I have asked her to come home for a month trial to see how we get on and marriage counselling , but she doesn't want to know

 

She is honestly a nice woman , decent woman and I know there isnt another man involved as my daughter would have told me . its the truth honest . But I know men will be interested in her soon ,as she is good looking and a fun person to be with

 

My grandsons christening is in 2 months time and I feel I can go to the church but not to the party afterwards as it would hurt me too much, which is a shame

 

What can I do now , I have tried everything . Our friends have tried to say to go home for a trial but she said no and just gets annoyed . I know some women at work have influenced her too , divorced women

 

The house is up for sale after 2 weeks at her insistence . I feel once the house goes , that will be it . She will be financially not very well off with only around $450 spare a month after all her outgoings and mortgage . Yet she still wants to leave

 

I love her so much , what can I do but just give her space and hope ?

 

Please help

Edited April 25, 2014 by UK Man

[UK Man]

Forgot to add that if she came home we would have a disposable income of approx $1700 per month .

 

She really must want this new life without me , to not have much money and to give up a very nice house to be with a house thats very small

 

Any input would be appreciated

 

Thanks

[M30USA]

People can only handle what they can handle. If she was ready to leave, she was ready to leave. I personally couldn't handle getting manipulated and physically assaulted by my ex. And I'm sure she couldn't handle the name calling by me. So it might have been for the better. Sounds like you've also dealt with physical violence. While I personally believe physical violence trumps name calling on a severity scale, the truth of the matter is only people's PERCEPTION matters. If she perceives you as an awful abuser, then you ARE to her. Kind of strange but it's true.

Edited April 25, 2014 by M30USA

[UK Man]

Hi Again

 

Is this a G.I.G.S Thing or is she too old at 49 ?

 

Or is it simply she just doesnt love me and is sick and tired of me

 

She said that the marriage was just too long ?

 

What do I Do now NC ?

 

I do want her back but would this help ?

 

She is a stubborn woman and can be quite hard

 

Thanks

[UK Man]

People can only handle what they can handle. If she was ready to leave, she was ready to leave. I personally couldn't handle getting manipulated and physically assaulted by my ex. And I'm sure she couldn't handle the name calling by me. So it might have been for the better. Sounds like you've also dealt with physical violence. While I personally believe physical violence trumps name calling on a severity scale, the truth of the matter is only people's PERCEPTION matters. If she perceives you as an awful abuser, then you ARE to her. Kind of strange but it's true.

 

I must admit that the screaming and physical stuff was done by both of us . but not often . christ not even once a year

 

The cursing got to her , but that wasnt often either , but she just hated that word and I used it when we argued as I knew she hated it

[M30USA]

I must admit that the screaming and physical stuff was done by both of us . but not often . christ not even once a year

 

The cursing got to her , but that wasnt often either , but she just hated that word and I used it when we argued as I knew she hated it

 

I regret to say that I also called my ex the C word. The problem was I was getting physically assaulted and I KNEW I couldn't retaliate or even defend myself. So calling her the C word was the only thing I felt I could do. She had a way of reversing the order of events when telling what happened. But the truth is that many nights she would basically kick me out of the bed because she was angry with me for something. Then after I fell asleep on couch, she would come and rip the blankets off me suddenly, startling me. One time she actually starting hitting me in my sleep. I called her names AFTER events like these. I don't know if that justifies what I did.I still wish I had the fortitude to not have done it, but what can I say? I messed up.

Edited April 25, 2014 by M30USA

[UK Man]

any one got any advice please

[M30USA]

any one got any advice please

 

What CAN you do? It sounds like she's made up her mind. She enjoys her new single life, you said. People don't leave things they enjoy.

[Appreciate]

She was physically assaulting you and you are apologizing for cursing at her? Ok, you shouldn't have used that word but check out the sentence you just wrote.

 

I think you should file for divorce and see if she snaps out of it. Just file, you can always pull back later. If she doesn't come back, she's probably really done.

 

All this sweet stuff you are doing is pushing her away. Time to do the 180 and focus on yourself.

 

My guess is that there's already someone in the picture.

 

Maybe she's BPD.

[Beechy1973]

It sounds from your post that you had a pretty crappy relationship. Why would you want to stay in that? It's easy enough to look back with regret at some of the things you did while together, but you can't have been happy to have done them (either of you).

 

Look to the future. Read about the 180 and try and stay chilled. It's counter intuitive, but the natural thing men do and act when this happen is exactly the thing that pushes their partners (much) further away. Take heed.