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Brother-inlaw possibly cheating


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Hello

My poor sister is early 40s (married 14 years, 2 kids, BIL is 44) and phoned me today upset and concerned that her husband may be cheating. My sister is a very trusting person (but not stupid or too trusting/naive) so not one to jump to conclusions in the least or be untrusting without good reason.

 

My BIL has apparently been acting 'strange' the past several months....little things here and there but she's started to add them up and they don't look good.

 

-he travels on business all over the world frequently. Over the past few months she will have difficulty reaching him by cell phone (this is when he's in the U.S.). One peculiarity that she shared with me....a couple of months ago he was away in the U.S., and send her a rather abrupt text telling her that he was taking a sleeping pill and was going to sleep and for her not to call him. She was busy getting kids ready for bed, so missed text...read it 12 minutes after he sent it, she found it very odd...so she phoned him...no answer....

-many times she'll pack his clothes for him to go away on business and he'll come back home with less pairs of undies than she packed for him (eg)...going away for 5-6 days, she'll pack 6 pair, he comes home with 2

-sometimes he comes home from a week long trip and all of his clothes (undies) have been freshly washed which is so not necessary (he's the guy when home who doesn't lift a finger to help around the house or do laundry so it's weird he'd be so concerned with doing it while away).

-lately he's changed his dress style from expensive suits to much more hip and trendy clothing - a major style change

-has started working out more

-has been under a lot of stress at work over the past year due to company change, very high stress job.....having issues w/ depression and erectile dysfunction/low sex drive.....he went to doctor and had testosterone level checked, was very low so doc started him on testosterone replacement meds

-his personal (which he uses for business but he's essentially self-employed) cell phone is password protected which my sis once commented on, quite innocently....he'd left his phone in her vehicle by mistake and it was ringing and she wasn't able to answer it so she told him that he should give her the password so that she could access the phone if ever needed/if something happened to him. He did then give it to her.....but 2 weeks later she checked and that password didn't work, he'd changed it.

-his work laptop of course is password protected and there's no way he'd ever give her the password

-an ongoing bone of contention between them is......he worked for a previous consulting firm up until about 3 months ago and would use HIS personal credit card for business expenses (hotels, drinks and meals with clients, flights, car rental etc) then submit receipts for reimbursement. Well he's no longer with that company yet his credit card statements were still being sent to his old company. My sis asked him why he didn't switch them to come to their home, she pays the bills mostly and thought it weird that he'd be taking money out of their personal account to pay but she wasn't seeing the statements (she's a stickler for checking statements of anything she pays just to ensure no errors or double charges, etc). He was so resistant to doing this and was quite defensive about it, which made her rather suspicious. As it turns out, he's arranged it so that the statements for this CC are accessible to him electronically by his laptop or iPhone so again, it seems he does not want her to see the statements. She is really confused by this and hurt.

-he recently returned home from a trip to FL and long story short she found a hotel bar coaster in it, with woman's full name and phone # on it, she said it was clearly a woman's hand-writing. This ate at her for a few days, she didn't know how to bring it up and was likely scared to because sometimes you may not like the answers you get when you ask the questions. She finally asked him about it. He played totally dumb, claimed he had no idea how that got into his briefcase, had no idea who the woman was. She found that odd, he's a sharp cookie and not one to forget things easily. 2-3 days later, with a smirk on his face, he told her out of the blue that he'd remembered what it was.......that the hotel he'd been staying in had issues with flooding or water being turned off and he had wanted to just move to a different hotel but one of the head admin people at the hotel didn't want my BIL to leave (and lose his business...likely a $500 a night room) so ALLEGEDLY this guy claimed he didn't have his coworker's "business card" but that if my BIL had any problems (as this guy was "going off shift"), to call his coworker...this woman who's name was written on the back of this coaster. My sister didn't buy this for a minute but she just mulled it over, certainly didn't accuse him of lying at all.

-last night BIL went out for drinks with clients, didn't get home until nearly 4am which is very unusual or him to ever be out that late. She says he came home very drunk (would have had a town car bring him home so as not to drive drunk). She got up this morning and took the kids (on spring break) to some appointments so wasn't at home when he left. Later in the afternoon he texted her to say he was stuck in traffic, had meetings to go to. She told me there was no way he'd have been able to work today, he was supremely drunk when he got home at 4am.....and would have been super super hungover today. He was supposed to take my nephew somewhere this afternoon but called up my sister drunk, claiming he was at his brother's house......and she confronted him, asked him where he'd really been all day. In his drunken state he got defensive about her not trusting him. She then let him have it about the "coaster with woman's name".....said she didn't believe him.......that she remembered the name and number and was going to phone it. She was trying to call his bluff. He was too drunk to play along.

-not long after that he texted her to tell her he wouldn't be coming home because he couldn't deal with the "distrust."

-to note: in his brief case she'd also found a business for a psychologist that sh'd previously asked him about, out of genuine concern. He told her that he'd been seeing this psychologist because he hadn't been feeling like himself for a while, attributed it to his low Testosterone level, and he just didn't feel comfortable telling my sis (to note: they have gone for couples counseling in the past, this is certainly not something my sister would ever judge him for or look down on him for).

 

She phoned the woman's phone # today, asked for the woman's name....said the girl sounded 'caught off guard and nervous" and said there was nobody there by that name...which we think is BS.....but clearly it's not someone's hotel business office/work # as she'd been told it was. In fact, she called up the hotel and asked for this name and had been told there was nobody who worked there by that name.

 

My sister is a wreck but is a very good mom and is having to keep it all together for the sake of her kids (ages 10 and 13).....who by the way are somewhat upset that Dad didn't come home last night until wee hours of morning and then stood my nephew up this afternoon. My sis does not believe he will come home tonight and I told her that might be best, if he's drunk and the kids are there, that's no time to be discussing any of this, things should be discussed when he's sober and kids not around.

 

I feel so badly for her. She loves him dearly and has always trusted him and is the type of person to give anyone and everyone the benefit of a doubt, to see the good in people....but she admits that she needs to know the truth so that she can make an informed decision about what she will do.

 

He is twisting this all around, calling her untrusting.....and claiming he needs help with his drinking......to me he's trying to take the focus off of himself and the fact that there is something going on.

 

I told her to hire a PI but that's not going to help when he's traveling all over north america and abroad. She's also afraid that if he feels she doesn't trust him he will try very hard to hide things and she'll never get the truth.

 

Sorry this is so long. I don't know what to suggest to her. I am the only person she has confided in because it's a delicate subject and she can trust me with here life that I will never divulge it to anyone, unlike her female friends who may as their hubbies are friends with him.

 

None of this sounds very good though does it?

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Cheating or not - he's being a crappy husband and father.

 

Your sister needs to see what her rights are in case she divorces.

 

He's responsible for his own behavior - so feeling that he's not trustworthy is something he's earned.

 

Without trust - there's no foundation for a marriage.

 

She should do things that protect her interest now - and the kids best interest too - he's not being a good father figure.

 

If he has a drinking problem - I hope he gets help. Many don't though, until they realize they will lose everyone/everything - and still then, some can't stop.

 

I hope she takes action that helps HER.

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My advice to you is, don't get involved in this unless your sister specifically asks you for help with something in particular. She is an adult and can deal with her own marriage. She confided in you, that's fine but make sure you don't get tangled up in this seriously.

 

Tell her to come to LS if she would like some advice from us, we cannot help her with concrete advice if we hear about her situation from another person.

 

I agree with what 2sunny said. He is being a lousy husband and father figure.

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There's more red flags there than I can count. My gut says there's a high probability of cheating but of course, that doesn't count for much. A couple of recommendations:

 

Have her stop confronting him. It's very hard to do but the reality is that confrontations accomplish nothing except to give a heads-up to the cheater to be more cautious, put an affair on-hold until the dust settles, or take their affairs further underground. They almost never admit more than you already know. Their playbook says to lie, deny, minimize, and gaslight. The only confrontation I recommend is the one that's done with divorce papers. In the meantime, she plays dumb and compliant.

 

I completely understand the "need to know." If she's going to divorce or whatever, she needs to be confident about what she knows. That means investigating until she has proof. How much proof? Enough to convince herself that he's cheating (and perhaps some understanding of how much) so that she can make an informed decision about how to move forward. She doesn't need to convince him that he's cheating; he already knows. She just needs to convince herself. Even in a divorce, the courts usually don't care but there are a few states where they still do.

 

I think busting him on the road is going to be nearly impossible. But there's plenty of red flags to point to cheating at home as well (lame excuses for being out late/all night, etc). I would focus on monitoring his actions while home.

 

It sounds like he's got his phone, laptop, and financials locked down tight. Bummer but yeah, another red flag.

 

I recommend that she get a voice-activated-recorder for his car (velcro it under the steering column) and a GPS for the car as well. Some GPS units require you to retrieve the unit and plug it into a PC to download the data about where it has been (these run about $250), while 'live' GPS units you can just watch on your PC in real-time (these are much better but run about $500 and probably require a subscription to a tracking service). I bought the cheaper one (wish I had bought the pricier one), caught my wife on the first download at a hotel from 10pm to midnight when she was supposed to be at work. From there I found tons of hotel stays (during the day with her boss) going back for a year.

 

A PI is a good option, too, but can be very expensive. I paid a PI to follow my wife (I wanted video proof) when she said she had to return to work after dinner and it cost me $250 for him to see nothing but her driving to/from work. But, if she's got a decent amount of discretionary money, it can produce results and keep her out of playing detective.

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I think there is enough "probable cause" here to warrant some serious investigation.

 

I agree with BetrayedH, stop asking him about it, that will just make him cover his tracks better and go deeper underground. If anything give him a big hug and smooch and apologize for all the questions and that the questions are just cause she misses him so much blah blah blah.

 

Then get several voice activated recordetrs, GPS trackers etc and stash them in his car, in the house and anywhere else he may be talking to someone.

 

Do what you can to crack his laptop and any other computers and phone etc. That may be something that you would need a PI for.

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