Mary Oak Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 On day 36, and I just want to tell her I love her..... UGH!!! When will this stop? I am tormenting myself over someone who does not want me in their life?!?! What is wrong with me??? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Jiivy Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 On day 36, and I just want to tell her I love her..... UGH!!! When will this stop? I am tormenting myself over someone who does not want me in their life?!?! What is wrong with me??? Nothing. Nothing at all. Day 35 here and in your shoes too. Be proud that you're not some heartless tool that can deactivate emotions. I believe that makes you human, makes you alive. Stick with it, fade with it - I was going to go home and sit in my room alone tonight. Instead I joined a group of new people who invited me to an after-work event in the evening. I'm deliberately making efforts to go and live my life. Are you? Link to post Share on other sites
smileforelena Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 your heart is broken... and like any wound you need to clean it, put plaster on it (for the mean time), feel the sting until it dries up. in this case its up to you if you are gonna let it leave a deep scar or tell yourself its just part of life and you let it roll off your back (eventually).. the good news is it heals. there is a time and season for everything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary Oak Posted April 25, 2014 Author Share Posted April 25, 2014 I am absolutely making efforts to move on. I have been going through this since July 2012. I know, it is an awfully long time, but I have never managed to stay NC more than 66 days, and that was over a year ago. Well, it is actually, LC, because we work in the same building. We do not see each other, and only have to email about one every couple of weeks. I am working out, spending every weekend with friends, have even dated. The dating thing lasted longer than it should have because my feelings were never in it, but I have remained friends with the girl I dated, so that is nice. She (the ex) has moved on....with someone I used to consider a close friend. SHe also has told me that she does not discount the idea of a future with me, but we should both move forward and find peace. This time with NC (LC) i have been able to get her out of my thoughts more. I don't dwell on what she is doing, and I am making a CONSCIENCE effort not to be sad. I never did that before, I thought it would just happen with time. Now I know it will not. Today just sucks, I really want to reach out to her. I still miss her so much. I still love her, though at times, I feel like I don't even know her. I will get through today, and hopefully tomorrow will be easier. I don't intend to break NC again, as I am honestly just too scared of getting hurt more. What really sucks is that during this whole process of breaking up, we have never been anything but kind and understanding of one another. If she was just mean or vindictive, it would be easier in a sense. Link to post Share on other sites
smileforelena Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 hang in there..you are making progress. it just doesnt look and feel that way but really sounds like you are. and healing is not a contest. they are people who have physically moved on but not emotionally. maybe accepting that you will just have that special love for and not fighting that might make it easier to let go. Link to post Share on other sites
roger136913 Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 Wow and I am only on day 9, I am dying here already Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary Oak Posted April 29, 2014 Author Share Posted April 29, 2014 Limited contact as we work together. I still miss her, but don't feel the need to contact her. I tried my best to get her back, plus a lot of groveling I should not have done. But, I know there is nothing left to say. Still sucks, but am proud I did it. I don't see myself breaking contact as I have been hurt enough. Sometimes I wish she would contact me just so I could ignore her, like she has done me in the past. Petty, I know, but it is how I feel. Link to post Share on other sites
learning_slowly Posted April 29, 2014 Share Posted April 29, 2014 Congratulations on what you have achieved so far. But you're still counting days of NC. You should be counting days you are losing from the rest of your life. Everyone grovels a little, unless they have them killed , so don't beat yourself up over that. If you can try and forgive and forget them. They are only human and I'm sure you've made mistakes. Allow them this one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary Oak Posted April 29, 2014 Author Share Posted April 29, 2014 I am not over her, I know. But, hopefully, I am moving forward. I was not near perfect in our relationship and that is why I tried so hard to reconcile because I really wasn't aware of the things she needed or the things I wasn't giving her. It was on her to communicate it though, I know. She said she was too scared to communicate it because she was scared I would leave, then she just up and left me. Go figure. I am trying my best to forgive her, just not there yet. I am forgetting some things about her, and while that is probably for the best, it still saddens me. Link to post Share on other sites
roger136913 Posted April 29, 2014 Share Posted April 29, 2014 Kudos Mary Oak Link to post Share on other sites
Alex_Stoner Posted April 29, 2014 Share Posted April 29, 2014 Congratulations for those 36 days and think about the amazing ones on your new road! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary Oak Posted April 29, 2014 Author Share Posted April 29, 2014 I don't know if I am going about this the right way or if this is just avoidance. But, when she enters my mind( which she does almost constantly while I am at work), i just try to forget her completely. I tell myself that never happened, and she is just a figment of my imagination. Because, I don't know who she is now...so she is not "her" to me anymore. I feel like I over analyzed every move for too long, and I am just tired. Tired of being sad, tired of thinking, tired of feeling bad... just freaking tired. ANd after I found out her new gf was talking about me, I just about lost it. But, now, it just makes me sad. There is nothing I can do... the past is the past... I just hope this avoidance technique won't come back to bite me... but for now, I am too tired to even worry about it anymore... NC is NC... that is all that matters, i guess. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary Oak Posted April 30, 2014 Author Share Posted April 30, 2014 Just got work email from ex, and after the work stuff, she writes how she saw something the other day that made her think and me and giggle... A bit annoying.. but it is all good. 41 days LC... not anything from me.. Link to post Share on other sites
roger136913 Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Our heart tells us to work it out, but how can we if the other person left.. It's strange that We lacked communication in our marriage, but told if it's meant to be it will be... It can't be without communication this is why the NC makes no sense to me. I do the same I over analyze everything. I take what people say and rip it apart till I can understand it. Link to post Share on other sites
FredJones80 Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 I do the same I over analyze everything. I take what people say and rip it apart till I can understand it. Me too, then I end up with more questions 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary Oak Posted April 30, 2014 Author Share Posted April 30, 2014 Oh yeah, and my mom found out some semi-bad medical news today, and it is the first time I didn't contact my ex about it. They were like best friends. So kudos for me!!! Link to post Share on other sites
learning_slowly Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 Forget the ex, be there for your mom. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary Oak Posted May 2, 2014 Author Share Posted May 2, 2014 Mom is ging to be fine, thankfully Day 43, only 8am, and I am having a really hard time dealing with the loss today. I don't necessarily want to talk to her, as I know that will lead to a weekend of tears, but I miss her. Well, I miss the "her" I knew. I think after seven years together, I should know her inner core and that is what I miss. Selfishly, I miss someone loving me. I miss having her on my side. I miss the dinners today and just living and breathing life with her. We lived together and work together, so it a big void to fill. Do I want her back? Yeah... i do.... I KNOW it will not happen. Nor am I hopeful, but I still want her back Today sucks so far... going to dive into work to take my mind off it. Just venting... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary Oak Posted May 5, 2014 Author Share Posted May 5, 2014 I don't think of her as much as I used to. Meaning, I don't think of the particular situations we lived in. BUt, there is just an overwhelming since of sadness I feel... like the world seems dull, not bright and exciting. I keep asking myself "what can I do?" Even though I am doing all I can, and I know it. Today is harder for some reason. Maybe because I was looking at our work schedule and she is going out of town for a week, I am sure with her gf. I just feel I should be pass this point of caring. It is just a deep hurt... Link to post Share on other sites
jt27 Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 Right there with ya oak. I am a month on from my gf dumping me and I am finding it really hard to find joy in virtually anything. I feel extremely sad today as well after spending a weekend with all my friends and their gf/wives. The sense of lonliness is overwhelming sometimes but it will get better because it has to. I wish I didn't care anymore especially for someone that doesn't care anymore about me. I wish I could just hate her, but I can't. Keep as busy as possible to ease your pain. That's what I am trying to do. Also, I am sure it's harder since it looks as though you work together. These constant reminders make it a lot harder to move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary Oak Posted May 5, 2014 Author Share Posted May 5, 2014 Even after almost two years, I want her back. I can't lie to myself about it. I don't know for certain if I really could take her back, but I do still love her. It has been 46 days LC, and today is exceptionally hard. Not to break contact, but just hurting... Sucks... and i don't know why it hurts me even more to think she is happy... I know it should make me happy, I guess I am just selfish Link to post Share on other sites
jt27 Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 I suspect I will always love my ex. I truly love that girl. Poured all of myself into her. A part of me wants her to be happy, but I want her to be happy with me not someone else. It sucks to imagine someone else can make her happy especially when we are hurting so much. It is selfish in a way but I feel ya. Keeping in contact with her is obviously hard due to your work but you may want to consider avoiding her at all costs including calling/text/email. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
STM206 Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 I feel your pain, 4 months in and I still think about him constantly. I think the only way the heart truly heals is when your heart has opened itself up to someone else with time. You aren't doing anything wrong, you're trying but perhaps try and lessen the contact, open your mind to other things in your life, your family, friends and things that bring you joy, even in the slightest. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary Oak Posted May 5, 2014 Author Share Posted May 5, 2014 The only contact we have are professionally written work emails. No chit-chat. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary Oak Posted May 5, 2014 Author Share Posted May 5, 2014 It really sucked today too because I accidently saw her get out of her car and walk into the office. SHe didn't see me though. SHe looked so beautiful. I hate someone else is living the life I want with her. AFter seven years, it is hard to just not feel it anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts