Author Mary Oak Posted May 10, 2014 Author Share Posted May 10, 2014 So yesterday became intense. We emailed all day about the things her gf has been saying about me. We were both politically correct and kinda danced around the real issues. A lot was said.... But nothing was said , if you can understand that. She says I still have a piece if her, blah blah blah. None of that matters, I should have a piece of her after almost eight years together. So just the contact in general hurt. But I know where her loyalty lies. Yesterday was just an emotional day, and I am not going to feel bad because I still cry. J have been in many long term relationships and this is the only one that I was really in love. And I found out when I love, I love deeply. Maybe too much. Anyways, I screwed up big time on my healing and I feel like a loser, but I never told her any feelings I was having or anything. In fact by our conversation, she probably thinks I am moving on. And today is a new day. A day for me to start over and flourish. Wish me luck. Link to post Share on other sites
FredJones80 Posted May 10, 2014 Share Posted May 10, 2014 She says I still have a piece if her, blah blah blah. None of that matters, I should have a piece of her after almost eight years together. I am not going to feel bad because I still cry. J have been in many long term relationships and this is the only one that I was really in love. And I found out when I love, I love deeply. Maybe too much. I echo your sentiments Mary Oak and I feel exactly the same as you. I don't know how I'd cope working or even being in the same general vicinity as my ex. I'm struggling to cope as it is, I don't know how you do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary Oak Posted May 10, 2014 Author Share Posted May 10, 2014 Well, Fred, unfortunately, I don't handle it very well. Can't seem to keep no or limited contact, even though I know it works. Link to post Share on other sites
FredJones80 Posted May 10, 2014 Share Posted May 10, 2014 Well, Fred, unfortunately, I don't handle it very well. Can't seem to keep no or limited contact, even though I know it works. Its extremely difficult for you though. I fail to see how you can ever truly move on when you have to have interactions. I know it is extreme but can you transfer? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary Oak Posted May 16, 2014 Author Share Posted May 16, 2014 Things just suck. I am not the type to ever hold on to someone who doesn't want to be with me. I am usually a very walk away type of person. I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't know what happened along the way. BUt, I miss her so much. I know for a fact we will never be together again, and we will never be friends. BUt I can't let go....I swear I thought my heart couldn't hurt anymore...but everyday, it seems to... I feel like such a weak person... I have done so much work on myself that I feel good about myself again, but when it comes to this, i feel so weak... I know that no one can help me, but I can't even seem to help myself.... Link to post Share on other sites
FredJones80 Posted May 16, 2014 Share Posted May 16, 2014 Things just suck. I am not the type to ever hold on to someone who doesn't want to be with me. I am usually a very walk away type of person. I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't know what happened along the way. BUt, I miss her so much. I know for a fact we will never be together again, and we will never be friends. BUt I can't let go....I swear I thought my heart couldn't hurt anymore...but everyday, it seems to... I feel like such a weak person... I have done so much work on myself that I feel good about myself again, but when it comes to this, i feel so weak... I know that no one can help me, but I can't even seem to help myself.... Can you transfer somewhere new or another office? I may help if you don't have to constantly see her. I really don't know how I'd cope seeing my ex everyday. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary Oak Posted May 16, 2014 Author Share Posted May 16, 2014 We only have one office in the area, and fortunately we don't see each other every day. But, it sucks just to know she is in the office and if I wanted to I could go talk to her anytime. That takes a lot of will power. ANd for the first year, I did just that. I walked over every morning and afternoon and we would spend a half hour or so talking. I can never see myself putting myself through that again. A lot has changed since then. But, actually, what is on my mind now is the fact that I found out her new gf said some detrimental things about me. That's fine, I don't trust her so I don't expect anything from her. I talked to my ex about it and she said she had never heard her say anything about me, and if she did she wouldn't allow it. This all happened last week. Well, I was just thinking.... just because my ex did not hear it said makes it ok? I KNOW for a fact what was said and to who. This is not specualation. I don't know if my ex approached her gf about it or not, not my business. But, all of a sudden it hit me. SHe has more loyalty for this girl she has dated for a few months than she does for me after our life together???? WTF? I don't know why I didn't see it at first, i guess because my ex has a way of flavoring words in a fashion that makes you feel good. But, that is the reality of it. To me, loyalty is not transferable, it is earned. I would never talk bad about her. Or allow anyone I know to. I guess I am writing because I came back to my desk and wrote her a page email about it, telling her to explain herself and that it hurts.... but I made myself delete it...so I swear it was so hard....this is the first time I have actually wanted to send a nasty email....but I know it will only hurt me... and they will probably have a good laugh about it... I can't believe I can't trust her anymore... that is one thing we always had. I am really hurting... I really want to tell her!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary Oak Posted May 16, 2014 Author Share Posted May 16, 2014 It is actually killing me not to walk to her office and tell her off...two more hours here with her. I hope I can make it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary Oak Posted May 23, 2014 Author Share Posted May 23, 2014 So, my ex left me a long time ago. I have accepted it. But, we work together, and she is not at work today. This happens a lot. But, today it is driving me crazy!! I don't know why. I mean, like shaking, and teary eyes crazy. I really can't figure out why. It should make no difference to me.... But, it freaking hurts for some reason.... and I want to contact her.... i know I won't, but I WANT to... Talk some sense into me please.... Link to post Share on other sites
mangetout Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 Maryoak I don't think it helps that you work with her. Its not helping you to move on. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
martaldn Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 have a deep breath and if you can leave your mobile on your desk or at workplace and go for some fresh air. when i am stuck in that dark hole and I really want to break NC i need to leave and focus in something else. contacting her will only bring you more heartache and more tears. you have to stay strong. read the things to wrote to me only a couple of days ago. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mangetout Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 You are not alone with your heartache Maryoak. I am hurting too today. I hope that brings some comfort to you Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary Oak Posted May 23, 2014 Author Share Posted May 23, 2014 I am sorry you are hurting... damn, does it ever stop???? I think it is more than hurt for me right now....feels like a panic attack. Could it be that I have a "date"? I am really not concern or nervous about the date, but maybe that is causing me to feel...i don't know...i feel crazy really at the moment! Link to post Share on other sites
jt27 Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 Mary Oak. I am hurting today. We met at work and though she is now somewhere else I am reminded of her everyday. I look for her car instinctively when I arrive in the morning. It stinks. Take a deep breath, have a glass of water. I feel when I start getting overwhelmed at work, I get up and take a little walk. Maybe it is the date. Maybe it's signifying that you are moving on and you are afraid to. Just a thought. Hang in there buddy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary Oak Posted May 23, 2014 Author Share Posted May 23, 2014 Wow. What a difference a few hours makes!! Had a quick lunch with someone I met online. What a breathe of fresh air!!! Worse case is that we will just be friends, though at the moment I am extremely attracted to her. Wow! Anyway, I needed this today. Took my Mind off the bad for a while. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary Oak Posted May 27, 2014 Author Share Posted May 27, 2014 I have begun to realize that I have really made a lot of progress, I should have after almost two years!!! But, I was thinking of the days where I couldn't get out of bed, wouldn't do anything, and would cry almost all day. Now, unfortunately, I still love her and my feelings for her have not changed, but this must finally be the acceptance phase. I still think of her a lot, but the thoughts of reconcilation don't burden me. I also realize that if I am not thinking of her as much, and I was the one heart broken, then she is definitely not thinking of me. That stings. SHe did tell me last week that she thinks of me constantly, missing me and our life together, but has to remind herself to move forward. I was surprised to hear this, and it did upset me, but there were no words in there of reconciliation. She also said that she just had to believe I would be in her life again. Yet, she didn't say in what capacity. I have told her many times, I will never be her friend... and I still feel that way. I want all or nothing. I have never been that like with any other ex, but then again, I was never in love. I guess my point is you never know what they are thinking or feelings... and I guess, it really doesn't matter... I think a part of me didn't want to get to the point where I stopped thinking of her, as it meant I was really moving on.... BUt, life does go on, no matter if you think of them or not, so may as well accept the comfort when it comes, even if it is in short intervals.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary Oak Posted June 4, 2014 Author Share Posted June 4, 2014 Said, that I had been in her dreams a lot lately and hoped i was doing ok. Leave it? right? Means nothing huh? Link to post Share on other sites
FredJones80 Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 Wet dreams? Link to post Share on other sites
Frank13 Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 Yes leave it. She didn't say you were in her thoughts, but only in her dreams. We can't control what we dream about. This sounds to me like nothing but an attempt to relive here guilt and using the excuse of being in her dreams to do it. Breadcrumb and a selfish one at that. Link to post Share on other sites
Always Pondering Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 I'll give you my story and you can interpret it however you want. The ex emailed me last year (this is the first time I broke NC) apologizing some and telling me that I've been in her dreams almost every night for the past month (this is during the time that she just left her rebound and before entering her current RS). I stupidly broke NC, we talked a little, I stupidly brought up the past, then we ended up talking for several hours. In the end she asked me if I still wanted to be friends with her. I know I couldn't so I politely declined. That was the end of that. This is just my personal situation but I believe she just felt guilty and was in a down-period in between one RS and another. The signs just fit together and she also told me she felt enormously relieved after I told her I was doing better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary Oak Posted June 4, 2014 Author Share Posted June 4, 2014 Yeah, I didn't think I was going to reply. There is really nothing to reply to anyways. She "hopes" I am ok. Well, I hope she is ok too... with her new gf... hard not to be resentful Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary Oak Posted June 10, 2014 Author Share Posted June 10, 2014 On the way to work today, I found myself thinking "I did it!" I worked hard and I have come out the other side. I am not longer at the bottom of the well. I still may not be out of the well entirely, but I am better. And then... I saw her in the office, and all those feelings went away. She looked great, and I just melted. SHe didn't see me and I kept walking. It really still hurts. I don't understand why after soooo long.... Just keep moving on is all I can do. I still miss her a lot.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jphcbpa Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 And then... I saw her in the office, and all those feelings went away. She looked great, and I just melted. SHe didn't see me and I kept walking. It really still hurts. I don't understand why after soooo long.... Just keep moving on is all I can do. I still miss her a lot.... IMO, so people just take much longer to "get over". Just keep asking for the lessons to be revealed to you as you move through this journey. Look and listen for them. Odds are "she" is bringing it up for you to face and process. Be thankful 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary Oak Posted June 11, 2014 Author Share Posted June 11, 2014 Thank you Jphchbpa. That is very true. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary Oak Posted June 12, 2014 Author Share Posted June 12, 2014 It is my birthday tomorrow. I am sad. I can't help it. I am not going to work tomorrow, not because I have some crazy fun plans but because I don't want to run into her. Not that I normally do, but tomorrow, one birthday, I would cry. We shared eight of my birthdays together. I just don't want the awkward moment where she is forced to tell me happy birthday. So tribal, in the big scheme of life I know. Damn right silly. Anyways, I asked a friend to come over tonight to hang out, but they bailed. I am starting to just think I repel people My ex is now with my ex best friend. Obviously when we were a couple she had said she was not attractive, cocky, controlling and self centered. Now they are a couple. How can that do anything but crush my self esteem. If she chose her over me then I must be way worse than that. Really struggling tonight. Hurting. Think I may get an email from her tomorrow. Maybe not. Will hurt either way. One step in front of the other and I HAVE to come out the other side sometime I hope. Link to post Share on other sites
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