Newly broken hearted

[chris9210]

Hello, I just wanted to share my recent breakup with people and hopefully get some advice because I've been reading this forum for about a week now and the advice is always spot on! So here goes: my ex girlfriend left me on 22nd march this year, she told me that it was because she didn't think we could work anymore, I didn't help enough round the house etc. Looking back on it this reason seems a bit vague but I didn't think anything of it at the time. Anyway I did all the usual stuff people do when a breakup occurs, I begged, pleaded cried for her to come back.

 

Obviously this didn't work and she stayed gone. I would constantly message her begging her and telling her I would change, that I would do anything to get her back. This has been going on since the day she left, and its only made things worse as you can expect. I've since found out that she got with someone 2 weeks after leaving me and she was speaking to him before she even left, when she was still with me! I would class this as an emotional affair but she doesn't see a problem with it as in her mind we had been over a while. This may be true but I was never under the impression that we weren't together, her words and actions would also suggest we were a couple still.

 

She would still tell me she loves me etc, on the week she left, just a couple days before, she sent me a message as we had been arguing, saying that she hates arguing, that I'm her everything and arguing with me makes her feel sick. When I've asked her about this she said she did it to "keep the peace" but what I don't understand is if she hadn't said these things nothing would have happened, I didn't make her feel like she had to tell me these things, which she is now claiming? We were also intimate on 14th March, which is 9 days after she started speaking to this guy, who btw is her ex. There are just a lot of things that make no sense to me, we celebrated my birthday together and Christmas as normal, she gave me personalized cards with nice romantic messages in them etc.

 

The day she left she said that she wishes it could have worked out more than anything, but now she has blocked me from everything and won't speak to me? She has spoke to me a couple times this week but it seems like every time she is with him she blocks me and doesn't want to speak. She seems like a totally different person, this guy is the complete opposite of me apparently, but he is also the complete opposite of what I thought she went for in a guy.

 

I haven't tried no contact yet but I have been reading Barky's thread here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/418763-if-youve-been-broken-up-broken-hearted

 

and trying out a few things from there. We also have 2 kids together so we will need to keep some contact but I will keep it about them only. I am just finding the whole thing really difficult, its not as bad as it was when she first went but I get times where she just enters my mind without me thinking about her, I wake up thinking about her, and her with him and it kills me. I'm committed to changing, for myself, she says it doesn't matter to her if I change or not, she still won't come back to me. Its just weird because she was the one who always wanted us to work and I wasn't sure about her, now she's left its the complete opposite and now I want her back but she doesn't want anything to do with me.

 

She keeps mentioning me changing, saying things like "you haven't changed" and "I don't think you will ever change" I'm probably reading too much into this but the fact that she keeps mentioning me changing seeks to think it would matter to her. I am probably just clutching at straws though. Another thing is, I went to her house a few weeks ago and she asked me who I've been speaking to on snapchat, I said this girl and she asked me who etc, I told her there is no girl so she asked me to show her my snapchat. And whenever I get a phone call or a message when I'm with her she asks me who is ringing me. Again, I'm probably clutching at straws and she is just being nosy, but I don't want to accept this is the end and there is no way back for us.

 

I should have mentioned we were in a relationship for five years, it was love at first site and I honestly believe that we are soul mates, that we were meant to be together, I believe we still are. I just can't help thinking that she is making a mistake being with this new guy, that he's not good for her, I just want her to see she could be happy with me and I'm the one she is meant to be with. I know you can't make someone fall in love with you but I don't want to give up on her. I feel like I can't move on, whenever I picture being with someone its always with her, she is the perfect girl in my eyes, I don't want anyone else. I just feel there is no hope, she's said she is happy with her ex now and that she will never come back to me.

 

I just don't know how to cope with her being with someone else, doing the things we used to do, all I can think is "that should be me". She has given me plenty of chances and I have blown them all, I just need her to give me one last chance but she doesn't want to know. And I probably don't deserve another shot with her, but I feel like she is the only person who can make me happy (I know this is false as only you can make yourself happy but I can't help thinking that right now).

 

I apologize for the length of this post I just needed to get this off my chest, if I have missed any details I will be happy to reply! Thank you in advance for any help I receive!

Edited April 26, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Chi townD]

Okay, first off, this wasn't your fault. This was a choice she made and regardless what she says to you, she left you for this other dude. Point Blank. I mean, come on! Breaking up with you because you didn't help out enough around the house?!?! You don't end a 5 year relationship over that! Hell, if that was an offense that warrants termination of a relationship, then my wife would have kicked my ass to the curb YEARS AGO!!!

 

 

Point is she left you for this douche rocket and is giving you lame ass excuses as to why the demise of the relationship was entirely your fault. I'm gonna take a scientific wild ass guess and say that when you approached her about this douche rocket; she told you something like, "He wasn't the reason why we broke up!" Uh huh......yeah....right!

 

 

With her asking about other girls from you. It isn't out of jealousy. It's to ease her own guilt about this other guy. If she learned that you have girls in your life, then she wouldn't have to feel so guilty about screwing this dude. Kinda goes along the lines of the one that's accusing someone of cheating is usually cheating themselves! They believe their partner is already cheating on them so they adopt the "if it's good for the goose, then it's good for the gander" attitude.

 

 

Dude, you have to limit your contact with her. I know you have a couple of kids with her and you now need to focus on being the best Dad that you can be to those kids. If she calls you, let it go to voicemail. Listen to the message and if it's about the kids, TEXT her back. If she texts you and it's NOT about the kids, then ignore it. The only interaction you should have with her is about the kids and the kids only.

 

 

Start making positive changes in your life and heal from this. Time to move on.

[chris9210]

Okay, first off, this wasn't your fault. This was a choice she made and regardless what she says to you, she left you for this other dude. Point Blank. I mean, come on! Breaking up with you because you didn't help out enough around the house?!?! You don't end a 5 year relationship over that! Hell, if that was an offense that warrants termination of a relationship, then my wife would have kicked my ass to the curb YEARS AGO!!!

 

 

Point is she left you for this douche rocket and is giving you lame ass excuses as to why the demise of the relationship was entirely your fault. I'm gonna take a scientific wild ass guess and say that when you approached her about this douche rocket; she told you something like, "He wasn't the reason why we broke up!" Uh huh......yeah....right!

 

 

With her asking about other girls from you. It isn't out of jealousy. It's to ease her own guilt about this other guy. If she learned that you have girls in your life, then she wouldn't have to feel so guilty about screwing this dude. Kinda goes along the lines of the one that's accusing someone of cheating is usually cheating themselves! They believe their partner is already cheating on them so they adopt the "if it's good for the goose, then it's good for the gander" attitude.

 

 

Dude, you have to limit your contact with her. I know you have a couple of kids with her and you now need to focus on being the best Dad that you can be to those kids. If she calls you, let it go to voicemail. Listen to the message and if it's about the kids, TEXT her back. If she texts you and it's NOT about the kids, then ignore it. The only interaction you should have with her is about the kids and the kids only.

 

 

Start making positive changes in your life and heal from this. Time to move on.

 

Ha yea you are right about the douche rocket (this is a great insult btw I might have to steal it:)) she basically said exactly what you have just wrote when I asked her if he was the reason she left, she still says she didn't leave me for another man, that they just "happened". I don't believe anything that comes out of her mouth anymore, its a shame because she used to be such a lovely person and now all of a sudden since being with him she is the complete opposite! I feel like the person I knew has died and it saddens me. I will take your advice and focus on the kids, I have already started working out and therapy so I think I'm on the right path, I want to show people that I am capable of change, of becoming a better person. Hopefully I will find someone who loves me for who I am, instead of my ex who just likes to tell me everything that's bad about myself. Thank you for this reply, it helped a lot!

[Chi townD]

You need to start making positive changes in your life. But, you do them for you and you alone. Here are some things you can start doing.

 

 

First thing you need to do is get a new hairstyle. Something people will notice and like. Then, you buy a new wardrobe. If you're a jeans and t-shirt with gym shoes kind of guy, then change it to designer jeans with a button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up to mid arm, a skinny hipster tie. A vest, belt and leather shoes. Dress to impress. GQ 24/7. You want people to say, "DAMN DUDE!!! Looking sharp!" That's going to help your self esteem.

 

 

Then, get to the gym. Run your ass off on the treadmill and push weight. This will help you burn off the stress and frustrations you're having right now. PLUS!!!! If you eat right and get plenty of sleep, you're going to be working on that rock hard and ripped bod that girls are DEFINETLY going to notice! There are top three things girls love to touch. 1. Kittens 2. Puppies 3. six pack abs.

 

 

Go back to school and get your college degree. If you have a Bachelor's then get your Master's. If you have your Master's then get your PhD. The higher the education, the more financial opportunities are going to open up for you. Then, you'll be able to afford that nice little townehouse in an awesome neighborhood in the burbs and you'll be able to afford that car you've always wanted.

 

 

Then, get yourself a new hobby. Something that you'll think you'll enjoy. If you find a hobby, odds are there's going to be a club in your area with people that have a shared interest. Join them! Get out there and meet new people! So, join a running club, or cycling club, or Mens soccer league, or co-ed sports, or dive lessons, or a cooking class or photography class....skies the limit dude! Just put yourself out there! Stay busy and get involved!

 

 

Then, travel! There's a big world outside your door that needs to be explored! Do simple things at first and drag some friends with you. Deep sea fishing in the Florida Keys, or cattle driving in Arizona, or fantasy baseball camp, or dog sledding in Minnesota or white water rafting in West Virginia. Then, when your financial situation improves, travel outside the country! England, France, Spain, Japan, Thailand, The Bahamas!

 

 

THEN! Your Ex will see a lot of changes in you if she get curious and looks at your Facebook page and your profile pic is you standing on a boat off the Great Barrier Reef after a dive with your arm around your dive partner that happens to be a blonde hair and blue eyed aussie girl that looks FANTASTIC in a wet suit.

 

 

I think her head will spin from the amount of "changes" that happened to you. And do you know what? Hopefully, you'll be at a point where you don't give a damn what she thinks about your changes.

[chris9210]

You need to start making positive changes in your life. But, you do them for you and you alone. Here are some things you can start doing.

 

 

First thing you need to do is get a new hairstyle. Something people will notice and like. Then, you buy a new wardrobe. If you're a jeans and t-shirt with gym shoes kind of guy, then change it to designer jeans with a button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up to mid arm, a skinny hipster tie. A vest, belt and leather shoes. Dress to impress. GQ 24/7. You want people to say, "DAMN DUDE!!! Looking sharp!" That's going to help your self esteem.

 

 

Then, get to the gym. Run your ass off on the treadmill and push weight. This will help you burn off the stress and frustrations you're having right now. PLUS!!!! If you eat right and get plenty of sleep, you're going to be working on that rock hard and ripped bod that girls are DEFINETLY going to notice! There are top three things girls love to touch. 1. Kittens 2. Puppies 3. six pack abs.

 

 

Go back to school and get your college degree. If you have a Bachelor's then get your Master's. If you have your Master's then get your PhD. The higher the education, the more financial opportunities are going to open up for you. Then, you'll be able to afford that nice little townehouse in an awesome neighborhood in the burbs and you'll be able to afford that car you've always wanted.

 

 

Then, get yourself a new hobby. Something that you'll think you'll enjoy. If you find a hobby, odds are there's going to be a club in your area with people that have a shared interest. Join them! Get out there and meet new people! So, join a running club, or cycling club, or Mens soccer league, or co-ed sports, or dive lessons, or a cooking class or photography class....skies the limit dude! Just put yourself out there! Stay busy and get involved!

 

 

Then, travel! There's a big world outside your door that needs to be explored! Do simple things at first and drag some friends with you. Deep sea fishing in the Florida Keys, or cattle driving in Arizona, or fantasy baseball camp, or dog sledding in Minnesota or white water rafting in West Virginia. Then, when your financial situation improves, travel outside the country! England, France, Spain, Japan, Thailand, The Bahamas!

 

 

THEN! Your Ex will see a lot of changes in you if she get curious and looks at your Facebook page and your profile pic is you standing on a boat off the Great Barrier Reef after a dive with your arm around your dive partner that happens to be a blonde hair and blue eyed aussie girl that looks FANTASTIC in a wet suit.

 

 

I think her head will spin from the amount of "changes" that happened to you. And do you know what? Hopefully, you'll be at a point where you don't give a damn what she thinks about your changes.

 

lol thanks for your advice! I know you copied and pasted this but do you think it will work? Has it been known to work? I would love to go to America (I live in England) so I think that will be my main aim. I'll start with something small like the haircut I would love to get her back, but that won't be my motivation for change, if it betters my chances though I may as well, I've nothing to lose after all!