headup Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 She ended it and moved out of our home after 4 years because she felt like she'd fallen out of love. I was her only serious relationship, so there was likely some element of GIGS as well though she denied a desire to be with other people. It crushed me. 5 months later, we start talking again and are now back together. Things are great, we spend all of our time together. I've recently learned that while we were apart she was seeing someone else. She met this guy a few months before she ended things, and I suspect they were more than friends before the BU. Now I am a jealous wreck. On top of the insecurity of thinking that at any time she might end things, I can't help but think of her being with this other guy. She minimizes their relationship and tells me she ended things with him long ago, and yet she searches his name on FB nearly every day (hate myself for snooping, but I can't help it...). Does anyone have any advice? Am I stupid for questioning this second chance I'm getting after wishing for it for so long? Will I have to live with this insecurity and jealousy forever, or is there anything I can do to help myself get over it? Link to post Share on other sites
somegoodman Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 it's not insecurity, what you're feeling is a natural biological revulsion to a whore being a whore...it's evolutionary. drop her ass and never speak to her again. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author headup Posted April 25, 2014 Author Share Posted April 25, 2014 it's not insecurity, what you're feeling is a natural biological revulsion to a whore being a whore...it's evolutionary. drop her ass and never speak to her again. Thanks for the reply. I struggle with the fact that now she's back with me and is terribly regretful of ever having anything to do with this guy and feels she really ****ed up. I respect that she had the dignity to end things when she felt something for someone else rather than just cheat on me. I do believe her that she hasn't spoken to him since we started seeing each other again and I do believe that she's re-committed to me. It just sucks to think of her being with someone else in the time we were apart. Every time I bring it up she cries and cries, and I love the girl, so dropping her ass isn't easy for me to do. Obviously I'd like to make things work, I just want to know if that jealousy/insecurity will fade with time, or if it will **** on our relationship forever. Link to post Share on other sites
somegoodman Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 Thanks for the reply. I struggle with the fact that now she's back with me and is terribly regretful of ever having anything to do with this guy and feels she really ****ed up. I respect that she had the dignity to end things when she felt something for someone else rather than just cheat on me. I do believe her that she hasn't spoken to him since we started seeing each other again and I do believe that she's re-committed to me. It just sucks to think of her being with someone else in the time we were apart. Every time I bring it up she cries and cries, and I love the girl, so dropping her ass isn't easy for me to do. Obviously I'd like to make things work, I just want to know if that jealousy/insecurity will fade with time, or if it will **** on our relationship forever. Trust your gut, that's all I can say. Also, don't believe women's tears; they have the ability to turn the water on and off at will and use them to manipulate people. Watch how fast she stops "crying" when you tell her you're not buying it. Link to post Share on other sites
tlegend Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 Trust your gut, that's all I can say. Also, don't believe women's tears; they have the ability to turn the water on and off at will and use them to manipulate people. Watch how fast she stops "crying" when you tell her you're not buying it. This. 100% this. And if she is using waterworks to persuade your feelings, she's more manipulative that you thought. Link to post Share on other sites
Author headup Posted April 25, 2014 Author Share Posted April 25, 2014 This. 100% this. And if she is using waterworks to persuade your feelings, she's more manipulative that you thought. Whoa. Maybe I'm just being naive...but I feel like you people are very jaded. I know this girl and know that she's not one to deliberately manipulate me with her tears. She's pretty emotionally labile and is very easy to see right through (terrible poker face). Is it impossible that she was just worried that she had committed to someone too soon (we are both in mid-20's), and was maybe missing out on something? I thought that was the whole premise of the GIGS. Link to post Share on other sites
Allumere Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 She minimizes their relationship and tells me she ended things with him long ago, and yet she searches his name on FB nearly every day (hate myself for snooping, but I can't help it...). That tells me a different story. Now I am not anti-ex or ex can't be friends, although in generally probably true, each scenario is different...BUT this is facebook stalking and that is what dumpees do. I think she got dumped and has some unresolved feelings there. She may very well be recommitted...for the moment.... but I would be concerned what happens if this other dude pops back up. You need to have this conversation. Everything needs to be on the table because if they aren't or can't be resolved there is no reason to spend any more time in this relationship. At the core this always rings truth of how things should be.."Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 3 Link to post Share on other sites
FortunateSon Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 If you know for a fact that she is constantly checking or stalking this other guys page, I would get out. Not only is it disrespectful to you, it shows that she clearly she has some other things going on in her mind. You are also never going to fully trust her as long as you know she is doing this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author headup Posted April 25, 2014 Author Share Posted April 25, 2014 That tells me a different story. Now I am not anti-ex or ex can't be friends, although in generally probably true, each scenario is different...BUT this is facebook stalking and that is what dumpees do. I think she got dumped and has some unresolved feelings there. She may very well be recommitted...for the moment.... but I would be concerned what happens if this other dude pops back up. You need to have this conversation. Everything needs to be on the table because if they aren't or can't be resolved there is no reason to spend any more time in this relationship. At the core this always rings truth of how things should be.."Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." Thanks for this insightful response. You raise a good point about the FB stalking - I didn't even consider that it might have been her that was dumped by this other guy but that certainly makes sense. I did bring up the FB searches in the past, but she insisted she is not interested in him, but rather is just curious as to what he's up to - which I found contradictory. I want to know the truth and the whole truth, but she is consistent with her responses. I feel like when I make accusations she denies them. How can I entice her to disclose everything to me without making specific suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
tlegend Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 If she is truly constantly checking his facebook page, she only has 1 person in her heart at the time. Her actions alone are so contradictory I simply would cease to believe her tears. As for being jaded, absolutely. I've been burned before, and I know what it's like to love someone and not play games with them. I just call bull**** when I see it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author headup Posted April 25, 2014 Author Share Posted April 25, 2014 If you know for a fact that she is constantly checking or stalking this other guys page, I would get out. Not only is it disrespectful to you, it shows that she clearly she has some other things going on in her mind. You are also never going to fully trust her as long as you know she is doing this. All true. I think I may check again the next time I get the chance. If she's been stalking recently I will definitely have another conversation about it. I can't keep this up knowing she's being obsessive over this other dude. Link to post Share on other sites
Author headup Posted April 25, 2014 Author Share Posted April 25, 2014 I'd like to confront her about the FB stalking, but I feel like having that in my back pocket is a good way for to to check on what's truly going on...if that makes sense. My point is, if I bring it up and confront her with the evidence, she'll know I'm checking her history and will be more careful about it/delete it and I'll no longer know if she's stopped or if she's just hiding it better. Showing her that I know about it puts all my cards on the table. Link to post Share on other sites
tlegend Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 (edited) I'd like to confront her about the FB stalking, but I feel like having that in my back pocket is a good way for to to check on what's truly going on...if that makes sense. My point is, if I bring it up and confront her with the evidence, she'll know I'm checking her history and will be more careful about it/delete it and I'll no longer know if she's stopped or if she's just hiding it better. Showing her that I know about it puts all my cards on the table. Or you could be in a relationship where you don't have to worry about any of this. But obviously, you won't find that being in this toxic relationship. She wants to daydream and/or stalk some guy? Let her daydream all she wants...by herself. It's hard falling in love with someone who doesn't fall in love back. But it's your choice to sit with your head banging against the wall. My 2 cents. (I'm fairly certain this is the start of a long and arduous road of getting together/breaking up that will eventually culminate in this woman breaking it off with you and saying she isn't going to get in a relationship...only to rekindle what she had with the guy she constantly FB searches.) I've seen it happen so many times, especially on this board where you have consolidated information, thatI don't know what else to tell you other than...good luck Edited April 25, 2014 by tlegend 1 Link to post Share on other sites
redbaron005 Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 I'd like to confront her about the FB stalking, but I feel like having that in my back pocket is a good way for to to check on what's truly going on...if that makes sense. My point is, if I bring it up and confront her with the evidence, she'll know I'm checking her history and will be more careful about it/delete it and I'll no longer know if she's stopped or if she's just hiding it better. Showing her that I know about it puts all my cards on the table. Maybe just tell her you noticed she was still friends with the guy and ask her polightly to block him as you would feel more comfortable with that going foward. Her response should tell you a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
Allumere Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 ..yes, all the cards will be on the table, that is the point. If you want to know the truth, you hold her accountable. If you aren't ready to make the decision to end things, then you continue to walk around with this distrust. Bottom-line, if your gut tells you something is off, it's usually right. I have been there in a marriage, I tried to trust but I can tell you that every single time my gut told me something was off, whether I was able to verify it at the time or years later, I was dead on...every single time. And when confronted there were tears and lying and cover-ups you wouldn't believe....and great manipulation. People busted will always deflect and when they are good they will put it all on you. You'll get that...you'll get the "how dare you?"....with a complete disregard or denial that there is a lil something up with her and the ex. If you talk and she provides some compelling evidence that she really has no interest etc. you can accept it BUT she needs to stop based on the position it is putting your relationship in and how it is making you feel. Now, you can choose to trust her or when you get that feeling you can always check her computer again. That is your call on how to handle things. Link to post Share on other sites
Jiivy Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 That tells me a different story. Now I am not anti-ex or ex can't be friends, although in generally probably true, each scenario is different...BUT this is facebook stalking and that is what dumpees do. I think she got dumped and has some unresolved feelings there. She may very well be recommitted...for the moment.... but I would be concerned what happens if this other dude pops back up. You need to have this conversation. Everything needs to be on the table because if they aren't or can't be resolved there is no reason to spend any more time in this relationship. At the core this always rings truth of how things should be.."Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." This. You have to Link to post Share on other sites
Elle1975 Posted April 26, 2014 Share Posted April 26, 2014 I would say trust your gut feeling as well. I ignored mine and I regret it. When I date someone I love, I don't need to look up another guy on the internet. Simple as that. Link to post Share on other sites
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