nextel Posted February 5, 2005 Share Posted February 5, 2005 Women that date married men.... what do you expect from your affair or relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted February 5, 2005 Share Posted February 5, 2005 Just curious, what's the basis for your question (ie why are you interested to know?) Link to post Share on other sites
Author nextel Posted February 5, 2005 Author Share Posted February 5, 2005 one of the posters is complaining about the way she is treated by her lover. Link to post Share on other sites
newby Posted February 5, 2005 Share Posted February 5, 2005 so are you in any of these situations nextel? Link to post Share on other sites
BoatingBabe Posted February 8, 2005 Share Posted February 8, 2005 Nextel, Pretty good question in a blunt sort of way.... I guess it's silly to have ANY expectation from a MM...and maybe if we (women or men who are debating getting involved with one) should ask themselves this question.. My expectation, after reading this board, is PAIN, loss of Self-esteem, frustration, .....and many more negative feelings.... Makes me stay strong to keep away from the one chasing me now... Link to post Share on other sites
newby Posted February 8, 2005 Share Posted February 8, 2005 it sounds like you are suggesting that the reasons these relationships dont work is because of the expectation??????? Link to post Share on other sites
BoatingBabe Posted February 8, 2005 Share Posted February 8, 2005 No, that's not what I am saying... What I think most of us who get or have gotten involved in these relationships.....our expectation is that the MM or MW will leave their spouse for us...we fall in love, they fall in love, and we expect more...When we should really ground ourselves and Expect the negative outcomes I mentioned instead...perhaps we wouldn't get involved in the first place? Link to post Share on other sites
newby Posted February 8, 2005 Share Posted February 8, 2005 sorry BB i was addressing that to nextel, i'm new to this Link to post Share on other sites
Author nextel Posted February 9, 2005 Author Share Posted February 9, 2005 I think BB hit the nail right on the head, but let me state this! Sometimes when people expect the unexpected from married individuals they get disappointed. There is a that person is married therefore, it will be hard for that person to choose otherwise. I am not here to say that one is wrong or right, or to endorse the choice of those that choose to get involved with individuals. All I say is this....to aim for marriage from a married man sounds a little like hallucinating. Why not just have a good time because he is good to you and have no expectations? No its not because I am in any situation. I have grown older and wiser to some extent and I am starting to see both sides of the coin. If you cannot see both sides of the coin at once, then why not choose the side that you see and call it like it is? Its not like you can ask you married lover to help you with a flat tire. Its not like you can ask that person to have dinner with you at the spare of the moment. Its not like you can ask that person to marry you when they are already married. So why not use the situation for what its worth? If you need money, then ask for it. If its just companionship or conversation, then enjoy it while it lasts. In the meantime....get to know yourself better. Link to post Share on other sites
curly Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 OK, here's my 2 cents... Our expectations are probably not based on true reality. However, they are absolutely based on what the MM tells us. Nextel - you've stated that you're not in the situation, so how can you lecture on a subject you know nothing about? The MM sets up the entire situation according to his needs, tells the OW what she needs/wants to hear and the OW believes until it is impossible to believe any longer. But usually by then, she is in too deep. There's a morbid curiosity as to what could happen next. The feelings between MM & OW are so strong, how could he not be with OW? But the bottom line is... the expectation level is set by the MM. He blinds her with his affection. How can she not expect love and affection back? Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 curly, you're right on target! my expectations were definitely set by my MM. he told me his marriage was over and that he was getting a divorce (his wife's choosing) last summer. he told me that he wanted to be with me forever. so yes, my expectations were very much set by him. and i was so blinded by the loving words, the promises, and actions that i couldn't see what was coming. and when he was forced to make a choice i was blind-sided by his decision. and from what he'd said to me, his going back to his wife and trying to "fix" his marriage was the last thing i expected because he had told me it was the last thing he wanted. i believed what i wanted to believe and heard what i wanted to hear because i trusted him to tell me the truth. the problem now is that i'm afraid to believe anyone, even if they are single. it will take a while to be able to trust my own judgement of a situation again. love is definitely blind and unfortunately in these OW/MM situations once your eyes are opened wide, what you see is one huge, hurtful, painful mess for all involved. Link to post Share on other sites
newby Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 true! true! they do set the expectation even when they cant blatantly lie anymore they say just enough to keep you hanging in there with hope they keep setting it there again if they presented any of us with the truth "hey i love my wife and want to stay with her but if you'll be willing to open your legs from time to time, and flatter me with adoration, oh and dont ask me for anything in return that i might have to put myself out for, im not going to ever love you, only in my own selfish taking way, and keep it to yourself will ya....waddayasay?" do you think they would have got anywhere??? Link to post Share on other sites
MsMree Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 Originally posted by curly The feelings between MM & OW are so strong, how could he not be with OW? ____________________________________________________________________________________________ Curly - you are soooo right-on with that OW think'g - In my situation, i never even hinted that i wanted him to leave - he was M, we had feel'gs but that was it. Next thing i know he calls me two days later and told me he left - he packed his bags, was staying in a hotel, THE WHOLE NINE YARDS!! Until his children fell apart. That was that. So... he did raise my expectations when he did that - why wouldn't i expect that if he tried to leave once (actually has tried twice) that he wouldn't try again? If someone tells you every day that you are the "Love of his life" i think it is natural for the recipient to think he will not be able to be w/o her. Link to post Share on other sites
Leaf Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 Expectations.. well, as the others have said, I base my expectations on what MM leads me to believe. I have the same expectations as other couples have in a normal relationship. I expect him to love me for who I am, to treat me with respect (ironic I know), to want to grow together and eventually grow older together. What ya'll need to realize is that our relationships are normal in the sense that we go through the same emotions as anyone else does. We just have this GIGANTIC elephant in the room that we ignore most of the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nextel Posted February 10, 2005 Author Share Posted February 10, 2005 Ok, ladies. I hear you loud and clear and I am not trying to make anyone feel any less of human being. I am moving cautiously on this subject because it is a very touchy one. So if I come off too hard, I apologize. Do you remember being a young girl or boy and saying to yourself...I want to get that dress, shoes or doll? My point is this: if he is already taken, why dont you set your mind to make the best out of the situation for you regardless of what he tells you? I mean, use him to your benefit unless you see the divorce papers. I seriously doubt any of you are with a broke mm. Use him to upgrade your lifestyle. Take everything he tells you with a grain of salt. See him when you want. Dont let him dictate the schedule. If you are horny that night, then see him. If you are not then dont. Hangout with the girls, start going out on dates and dont take the sweet words as facts. Thats all I am saying. Link to post Share on other sites
Leaf Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 You are assuming that our relationships are soley about sex. They are not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nextel Posted February 10, 2005 Author Share Posted February 10, 2005 And they might not be based on sex OR about sex. If he is already taken and has never shown you a marriage certificate...take everything he says with a grain of salt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nextel Posted February 10, 2005 Author Share Posted February 10, 2005 I beg your pardon....what I meant to say was a divorce decree. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 The reason I ask is because you're not telling the OW anything she doesn't already know-and if you READ you can figure out the answer to your question. OW expect that the MM will eventually leave the relationship that makes them go the OW in the first place. OW expect they can make the MM happy. OW expect that because he's sleeping with them, there MUST be feelings. OW expect the MM to fall in love with them the way they did with him. That's the hope of hopes. Reality has no place here. So what do you get? A woman that's invested time, feelings, her body-given these freely. And now is so attached to the man (we'll say nothing of drama or excitement, many times there isn't much) that she can't stand up for their "relationship" for fear of making him hate her, can't leave because it hurts and she never really gives up hope he'll leave so waits, and waits, until her neediness for more drives him away or he simply gets tired of having to cover his tracks so he breaks it off. And he will, eventually. Link to post Share on other sites
newby Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 Do you remember being a young girl or boy and saying to yourself...I want to get that dress, shoes or doll? My point is this: if he is already taken, why dont you set your mind to make the best out of the situation for you regardless of what he tells you? QUOTE nextel you seem to be referring to us all as kids who want what we cant have, you dont seem willing or able to change your mind whatever anybody tells you it isnt that SIMPLE is the answer to your question i guess there are some people who may look at a mm want him weigh it all up and decide to take what limited amount he has to give when she feels like taking BUT most women in this situation didnt arrive there that way this means that most women in this situation arent the type of women who are happy with taking a limited amount whenever they feel like it, they entered the situation because they believed it was love or potentially love, they believed this because that is what the mm led them to believe once IN the situation, once it becomes obvious that the mm is full of s*** maybe some people try to delude themselves they can be happy with the small offerings the mm gives maybe they can even delude themselves that they themselves are just taking what they need from the situation, but thats not the truth and deep down they know it, the thing that stops the woman from being able to take money or sex from the mm and be just happy with that is that the ow have EMOTIONS if you are asking because you are wondering if you could handle the situation yourself provided you entered with that attitude, then i dont know the answer to that Link to post Share on other sites
erika2610 Posted February 16, 2005 Share Posted February 16, 2005 Nextel, if you're not in the situation.. you really can't say anything to anybody who is. You have no clue what it's like. I was not with a broke MM.. not broke by any means. But it didn't matter if he had money. He gave me what I needed in terms of affection. I just wanted someone to care for me, and that's what I got. I never asked him for anything monetarily. I didn't expect to 'see him whenever I wanted and sleep with him whenever I wanted'. I was happy with whatever time he spent with me. He made me feel special. What I'm saying is not all of us are with our MM for the money he gives us.. as I said, you really can't say cuz you're not in the situation.. Link to post Share on other sites
Love2share Posted February 23, 2005 Share Posted February 23, 2005 I believe the reason many people get hurt in these situation is that their expectations are wrong. I am concidering a relationship with a married man right now. To prevent heartache in the future, we have been discussing our expectations. For him, his wife is pregnant and he isn't getting the sexual and emotional attention he needs right now. For me, I'm still in love with my XBF (a man whom I fell in love with before I realized that I couldn't have him because he's in love with someone else, and he's not married). I don't want a committed relationship right now. I don't want someone telling me what to do and when to do it. This married man offers me that freedom. He can't be worried about me while he's at home making love to his wife. I can't be worried about him while I busy with my career, college, and meeting other men. This situation is a chance for me to get over my XBF. I won't be lonely the way that I've been for the past eight months before this opportunity arrived. The married man and I both see an end to this affair. We make each other feel good for the moment. He truly loves his wife and can't imagine being without her. I think the more we get to know each other, we could fall in love with each other. But I think it will be no different that the love I share with my brother or my father. Sex is just sex. It doesn't control everything. The married man also knows that if we ever decide to be friends in the future, then sex will have to stop, and I would have to be friends with his wife too. Not just him. Otherwise, our communication ends completely. And if we don't have an affair and choose to be friends instead, I will have to meet his wife now, and be freinds with both of them. Basically, I think our expectations are not too high. But our communication is good enough that we can express ourselves should these expectations ever change. We both feel mature enough about relationships to handle whatever needs to be addressed. Link to post Share on other sites
newby Posted February 23, 2005 Share Posted February 23, 2005 i cant wait to see how you feel in 6 months time Link to post Share on other sites
EC Posted February 23, 2005 Share Posted February 23, 2005 I agree where would you be in 6 months. No matter how much you talk and no matter how many time you discuss your expectations one or the other will end up hurt or affected. Even if you don't like him and you don't expect him to leave his wife for you, your are having sex with his person and giving this person your body. Subconsciously you will think why he doesn't want anything serious with you and you will start thinking what is wrong with yourself. Regardless of if you want him or not. But I mean thats the opinion I have gathered from the OW that i have met and talked to. Link to post Share on other sites
newby Posted February 23, 2005 Share Posted February 23, 2005 true true! it doesnt matter how much you rationalise things, at the moment of course it is easy to say these things, however i believe you are fooling yourself if you really think you can do this w/out getting emotionally involved, really, take heed from reading here and dont get involved, meet the wife and be friends, and then definetly dont get involved! Link to post Share on other sites
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