Expectations

[Love2share]

Giving my body to him and knowing that he doesn't want anything serious with me will not cause me to wonder why, or wonder if there is something wrong with me. I know that the reason he doesn't want anything serious with me is because he already has something serious with his wife.

 

On the other hand, when I give myself to single men who won't commit to me, I do wonder, what's wrong with me. When single men lie to me, and cheat on me, I do wonder, what's wrong with me.

 

I risk lowering my self-esteem with the single men that I know because they don't have good excuses for why they only want my body. Of course I could conclude that they simply are not ready for committed relationships, and there isn't anything wrong with me. But if I can make that conclusion for single men, couldn't I also make the same conclusion with the MM? (Rhetorical question)

 

Regardless of how the relationship with the MM turns out, the excuse for everything will be that he's married. My self-esteem is safe.

[LadyRLD]

I was an OW and i got hurt because I started expecting more from the relationship. But once I found out he was attached, I thought I could just use him for my convenience but that didn't work. I totally agree with Nextel if they are already lying cheating a&*holes who treat us like sh*t. Then why are we treating them like a king and begging for their emotions like a puppy dog. What Nextel is stating is that we should treat him like he's our side guy until our real man comes along. Why wait for any human being to love you? I don't care if he's single. No man is worth waiting for or putting your life on hold. The only person worth waiting for or putting your life on hold for is "yourself."

 

I could understand why he used the little girl or little boy scenario. When you think about it we are grown ass women waiting for a hand out from a prick who we got to play games with to keep. That isn't thinking like an adult. I am glad I grew out of my immature situation.

 

I am sorry for all of the bashing Nextel but you got my vote. No more letting me treat me like crap. I am going to make the best out of every situation (no more MMs of course) and turn the tables. They are going to have to follow my rules from now on!! Until they prove themselves worthy enough to earn my affection. No more wearing my heart on my sleeve.

[LadyRLD]

I felt like you when I first started seeing my MM. Then it does get to be emotional after 6 months. So if you are going to play with fire, don't let it go over 3 months. I can tell you for a fact, after three months, your MM will turn into an a**h*** and you would wonder what happen. But you are already on the rollercoaster and don't even know it.

 

Listen to the others. If you want to play the game, play it with someone single. At least a single guy is not hurting you intentionally. I rather any day, be hurt by someone who is single then to create my own pain by getting involve with someone who already told you he as an a&*hole.

 

A man who cheats on his wife (especially a pregnant wife) is far far far way worse man then a boyfriend who is not married and cheats on his girlfriend then leaves her. At least he wasn't married or commited to you. He didn't look in your eyes and say "I do". You really have to think about it.

 

A single man can give you the space you need just like this MM. If all you want is a friendship without strings then a single man wouldn't be a threat. YOu wouldn't care if he's lying to you because you don't want a relationship.

 

An MM is lying to his wife another human being and he's doing it intentionally. I can't believe you stick up for him. He's lower than dirt for doing that. He only makes you feel good because that's how he reels you in. Once he finishes manipulating you, he will change to the person he truly is.

 

I am really sorry for you and sorry that you don't give a damn about his pregnant wife. I am sorry that you say a real a&*hole is an honest man because he volunteered the info.

 

Which means that he really doesn't have any respect. He can see that you would sleep with him no matter what so he told you the truth. To him you aren't a challenge. To him, you wouldn't respect yourself enough to say "No" and get the hell out of my life. If he thought you were a respectful woman, he wouldn't even go there with you.

 

Good luck. I hope you can see he is a devil in the flesh. But if you have to find ou the hard way than at least you will learn to never put yourself in that situation ever again.

 

Karman is a bi-acth.

[izzybelle]

LadyRLD,

 

They are going to have to follow my rules from now on!! Until they prove themselves worthy enough to earn my affection. No more wearing my heart on my sleeve.

 

this really struck me because this is where i find myself now. exMM always told me, as have others, that my eyes are very expressive. i could never, ever hide how i felt and perhaps this was a downfall with MM. he knew from my words (it was LDR) that i was falling for him but i know he knew for sure when he saw me after our connection became so strong emotionally. my heart was definitely out there for him and he ran with it.

 

now, that i'm in the dating mess again, my heart is very guarded and i am waiting for someone to prove exactly what you said...that they are worthy of my affection. unfortunately, since i've never felt that way before i'm not exactly sure what i'm expecting this guy to do. he calls, says nice things, wants to see me, bought me choc. (big plus for that one), enjoys spending time with me. all things that in the past would have made me feel that he was worthy. oh... and the big one...he's single and i know his exW (who BTW several years ago tried to fix me up with him!!) but there's still that nagging feeling that there's something i don't know, something wrong, something i don't trust. and i know it's not necessarily him, it's me. and i fear tonight when i see him, which i probably will, that all of that will come up in some discussion. i don't know that he knows that his ex told me that he cheated on her, and i'm not sure if that's it or not. but they've been divorced for over 5 years..... and i don't know the circumstances. but like you said, my heart is no longer on my sleeve, it's locked behind some pretty secure walls. i just hope that someday, someone finds the key to unlock it.

[LadyRLD]

I totally know how you feel. You are doing everything right. If your intuition is telling you something is kind of weird, then make sure you don't ignore that vibe. Keep dating and giving it a chance. This time you go in with your eyes open and use that gift that we woman have "intuition".

 

You are going to stay guarded until some great guy "naturally" breaks down your barrier by earning your trust and affection. Someone who you know deep in your heart and your intuition that he is who he says he is and he's not playing games with you.

 

You are going to let fate handle it instead of you forcing it on your own. That's how you know you will end up with someone who deserves you.

 

Until then stay protected and let all the guys try to win that race to your heart. You just sit back and choose with your head and you intuition and not your heart. After you head and intuition feel comfortable then you will unlock your heart.

 

We can do this lady!!!! If anything, the MMs taught us the art of manipulation so we know when we are being played.

[Love2share]

I know what you mean about being able to have a non-serious relationship with single men the same as I can have a non-serious relationship with the married man. But.. the situation I'm in is like this:

 

Single men don't want a commitment. Yet they want ME to commit to them. They lie to me (maybe the same as the MM is doing to his wife, and me at some point) and tell me what I want to hear just to get what they want. Single men play the double standard with me. And if I let them know that I'm aware of their dishonesty, if I refuse to commit to them, they call be a slut, a whore, a b*tch, and everthing else you can imagine. It's a horrible experience.

 

The married man is not pressuring me to commit. I don't care what he thinks of me because he's clearly not much of a man himself (based on the reasons you've already mentioned about his pregnant wife). He knows that if he ever plays that double standard card with me, I will renounce my title as the OW in his life, just as easily as I avoid the single men who do that. The MM may not respect me, character wise, but at least he doesn't call me out of my name. He doesn't mentally or physically abuse me.

 

Both me and this MM have our own agenda. To a certain extent, we are both selfish. Right now, we can satisfy each others desires. Right now is the key word because I have no EXPECTATIONS of the affair lasting very long. Certainly I am going to continue to keep my options open for the right man to come along. But I'm not going to sit around and wait for that man. I'm also not going to waste my time and emotions dating different jerks, when I have ONE jerk, who satisfies my needs in the meantime.

[LadyRLD]

I understand where you are coming from Love2Share. I didn't mean to sound harsh. I was typing out of my own recollection of the pain I felt when I actually fell for my MM. I was trying to be strong and thinking I could just use him for sex. Then I got emotional.

 

So if you could, don't let it go over three months. Or get rid of him before the baby is born. He will change to be very boring after the baby is born. Again speaking from experience. My MMs wife was pregnant when he met me with her fourth baby. I didn't know until h told me after she was 5 months pregnant. i was in too deep to let him go. After the baby was born, he was tired all of the time. The sex was getting terrible and he stopped seeing me as much. So I learned the hard way. IN a way, that's what I deserved. I should not have been messing with him in the first place.

 

Just keep your heart closed. If you shall fall into the emotional trap that most of us OW fell in. Then come back to LoveShack so we can snap you out of it.

 

After I came to this site. I never spoke to my MM again. I told him I met someone else and to never ever ever speak to me again. Then I immediately changed my number and blocked his email address. I didn't waste time. You can best believe he didn't see that one coming :0)

 

Then I met two men that I am very attracted to. They are totally single and I am not committed to either of them so it's not cheating. They are both just for fun and the sex is way better!!!!! At least my self-esteem is back!!

 

Just know we are all here for you no matter what!!!! We were hard on you because most of us OW started off with our MMs just like you started off with yours. We thought it would just be for fun. NOT!!!!

[MsMree]

We thought it would just be for fun. NOT!!!!

 

He believed he fell in love w/me at first sight - and continued to try gett'g my attention for three mos. - the flattery, making me feel like i was the greatest thing since sliced-bread (you know the rest).

 

So i didn't necessarily see it as "just having fun" - i saw it as getting it/him out of my system. In all honesty, i had nothing but experiences of BAD SEX and believed that he would be no different.

 

HOWEVER...

 

I was in love w/him before we even slept together. And the sex... INCREDIBLE!!!

 

And it still is.

 

It is the most beautiful and most heart-wrenching relationship.

 

And every one of our relationships is different in its own way - I actually spend more time w/my MM than he does his W - so most of the time i do not feel like the OW - again, making it so difficult to walk away.

 

But i'll keep coming to the LS - i gain such insight, such strength - soon i will be able to do what is right for me.

[LadyRLD]

I know your situation is very different MsMree. Your MM pursued you until you couldn't say No. I am sorry he was sooo deceiving.

 

Love2Shares situation sounds similar to mine though. I admit I was in it for the fun of it. He was chasing me and calling me everyday for two months. the sex was good the first two months. After three months. He did a 360. I was like WTF happened. How come he's not pursuing me any longer, why did the sex get bad. How come he got boring all of a sudden.

 

Later he admitted he was just pretending to be someone he wasn't to get a hold on me. It took me another year to realize the guy I fell for in the first three months was just an illusion. He was made up. So I kept waiting for that person to come back. Never did. Because he didn't exist. He used himself as bait and reeled me in :0(

 

I didn't mind being a side chick because I didn't want that commitment bullcrap like Love2share. But when it got bad, I felt like he was a challenge. so I started to chase him in hopes to change him back to the person I first met.

 

It just got worse and worse. Then baby number 4 came along and he didn't take care of himself like he use to. He looked terrible. He was always tired and he had nothing left. He was depressed all the time. His emotions transferred onto me and I started to feel depressed and needy and then I realized.......wait!!! I am free. He really needs to go now and get the hell out of my life. It took coming here to give me that push. Actually MsMree's post to me is what really woke me up.

 

I hope Love2share can get out before the little one comes. or at least make sure he doesn't get depressed and start making you feel that way.

[MsMree]

"Lady" wouldn't you agree that what we "thought" or the "control" we believed we had was gone very quickly AND that it was too late by the time we realized it.

 

I'll say it again - if the sex is good and the man is pursuing you - and if the sex is good (Oh, already said that LOL!) that we are almost doomed - we, as women, are just wired that way - once the physical and emotional needs are somewhat satisfied... LOOK OUT!!!

 

I have learned one very valuable lesson... forget what i think i know, or how much in control i believe i have when it comes to the opposite sex - i must judge only the facts that i have.

 

As always, Lady, i enjoyed your post

[GirlDown]

Originally posted by Love2share

I know that the reason he doesn't want anything serious with me is because he already has something serious with his wife.

 

 

Regardless of how the relationship with the MM turns out, the excuse for everything will be that he's married. My self-esteem is safe.

 

obviously he can't be that serious about his wife or he wouldn't be screwing someone else, much less while she's pregnant. a man who is serious about his wife doesn't justify sleeping with someone else because his pregnant wife isn't giving it up enough.

 

 

i really don't get how this would not hurt your self-esteem.

 

"i love myself. i screw a pregnant woman's husband because he really needs it right now, and it doesn't make me feel bad in the least. " huh?

 

not judging, i just don't understand that concept of thinking.

 

maybe it came out wrong...

[LadyRLD]

I love your posts as always MsMree.

 

I agree what gets a woman is a nice looking penis and good sex. Once we get that we start to fall in love because we think we are never going to find a penis as beautiful and perfect as his. Even if he is only good with the sex one or two times. We still get hooked. In some way it is sexual for us women but we fall in love with the sex and think we are falling in love with the guy.

 

That's why NC works. Once we have withdrawals of the sex, we start to actually focus on how much we really don't even like the guy. But it takes at least 2 to 3 months without sexual contact to actually stop idealizing and see him for what he is.

 

So we get all emotional and fall in love. I don't know if I fell in love with him or the penis. After a while it didn't matter, I was confused as hell.

 

As always MsMree keep us posted on your MM. He is very interesting character. Has he tried to email you again yet?

[SummerRae]

Originally posted by LadyRLD

I love your posts as always MsMree.

 

I agree what gets a woman is a nice looking penis and good sex. Once we get that we start to fall in love because we think we are never going to find a penis as beautiful and perfect as his. Even if he is only good with the sex one or two times. We still get hooked. In some way it is sexual for us women but we fall in love with the sex and think we are falling in love with the guy.

 

That's why NC works. Once we have withdrawals of the sex, we start to actually focus on how much we really don't even like the guy. But it takes at least 2 to 3 months without sexual contact to actually stop idealizing and see him for what he is.

 

So we get all emotional and fall in love. I don't know if I fell in love with him or the penis. After a while it didn't matter, I was confused as hell.

 

As always MsMree keep us posted on your MM. He is very interesting character. Has he tried to email you again yet?

 

 

hahahahahah, you don't know if you fell in love with him or the penis, hahahahah.

[MsMree]

My "Penis" comes w/brains, wit, a great body and a wonderful southern accent - DAMN HIM!!!

 

As for him email'g me, YES! - the other day i recv'd the BEST love letter yet (and there have been some doosies!)

I actually considered posting it so you all can see what i have to deal with - LOL!! THE MAN IS GOOD!!

 

There has been contact, but never fear, I have a plan that WILL WORK - can't share it at the moment because it is TOO DEVIOUS -

 

Ladies - thanks for making me LAUGH!!! YOU ALL ARE THE BEST!!!

[1Yoyo]

I didn't fall in love with his penis, honestly at first sex was just "OK", it wasn't really about sex. Now, sex is much better, but still not the focus of our relationship. Though we talk every night/day, we only see each other once or twice a month, depending on what is going on in our lives. We used to see each other every other week, but he recently lost his job and is trying out some new job options. This leaves little time for me right now, I should say even less time. It is getting old. NC is sounding better I just need to be emotionally ready.

 

 

Yo

[LadyRLD]

Remember. It's a game. Make it fun, not painful. Also, your womanly ego should be getting high!!!!! Turn it around MsMree. He is your side guy until you find your one true love. Until then, watch with your mind opened and your heart closed.

 

And keep us posted. He sounds like he's getting pretty desperate.

[newby]

if anyone has read any of my posts they'll know i definetly didn't fall in love with his penis, bless him

 

Love2share

i cant help but feel you are already hooked somewhat with this guy, you are making so many excuses for why this is your best next move, your only option etc

what are you thinking really that you are gonna get from this, is it just about the sex? cos we are women, we can get sex anywhere lets admit it

YOU SAY

you have been used for sex by these other guys an it has made u feel bad about yourself like thats all you have to offer- then prove it isnt by NOT offering it

honestly belieeeeeve me this is not going to help you in anyway at all, whatever way you choose to look at it

i actually didnt go into it with eyes open, i wanted to believe him when he said "it felt so right and meant to be" when he said that I was trying to ruin this thing between us before it had even begun that i was putting up walls etc as if i had no reason to because it was a sure thing

then when i was whacked round the face with the truth and the reality i tried to convince myself it was the best kind of relationship for me etc and that i could just use it for fun

but whatever way you get into it, whatever you tell yourself its no fun at all being somebodys wank,

being somebodys ego boost and being somebodys shameful little secret

[Love2share]

what are you thinking really that you are gonna get from this, is it just about the sex? cos we are women, we can get sex anywhere lets admit it

YOU SAY

you have been used for sex by these other guys an it has made u feel bad about yourself like thats all you have to offer- then prove it isnt by NOT offering it

 

From this situation, I'm getting sex from someone I know and trust with my emotions. Yes, I can get sex from anyone. But I don't trust just anyone. Those other guys lied to me in order to get what THEY wanted. They didn't think about me at all. That made me feel bad. That lowered my self esteem because I kept asking myself, "what is wrong with me? why can't I satisfy them?"

 

In this situation, I satisfy the MM's needs. I just want sex, no commitment. Therefore, he satisfies my needs as well. Sex with the MM is all I want right now because there isn't anyone else in my life who I trust more right now. I am still looking for the right person. But I haven't fallen for, and I won't fall for the MM.

 

It's really hard to explain the way I feel for him. I don't love him the way many other posters proclaim to love their MM. I can't phathom ever wanting him to leave his wife. The way he talks about his love for her, I can't phathom him ever wanting to leave her for me. I feel as though I could walk out of the relationship with him anytime I want. Sure, it's still early, but we both hope to be friends forever. Not having sex forever. But just able to speak to each other when we meet. And if that's not possible, then I can see him disappearing from my life forever, just like every other man I've ever known.

[erika2610]

In this situation, I satisfy the MM's needs. I just want sex, no commitment. Therefore, he satisfies my needs as well. Sex with the MM is all I want right now because there isn't anyone else in my life who I trust more right now. I am still looking for the right person. But I haven't fallen for, and I won't fall for the MM.

 

It's really hard to explain the way I feel for him. I don't love him the way many other posters proclaim to love their MM. I can't phathom ever wanting him to leave his wife. The way he talks about his love for her, I can't phathom him ever wanting to leave her for me. I feel as though I could walk out of the relationship with him anytime I want. Sure, it's still early, but we both hope to be friends forever. Not having sex forever. But just able to speak to each other when we meet. And if that's not possible, then I can see him disappearing from my life forever, just like every other man I've ever known.

 

That may be all you want right now.. and you say you haven't fallen for him, and that you won't.. but talk to me in a couple months from now, tell me how ya feel. And you may not be able to phathom ever wanting him to leave his wife for you.. but you will at some point. And I think it's really hard to stay friends after this kind of situation. I think most of us started out the relationships telling ourselves we weren't gonna fall for him.. weren't gonna get to the point where we wanted him to leave the wife, and it was only for sex. But somewhere along the way, the feelings changed. And it's just that much harder to get out when that happens.

[newby]

even if you dont fall hard for him, there may come a point when he starts to mistrust you because of the situation, if that happens he will start to be dishonest with you. the situation is a breeding ground for mutual mistrust and where there is no trust there is no friendship.