Will she ever put back on my ring? [update]

[Sgt. Pepper]

Two weeks ago my LDR fiancé as I nearly broke up due to months of insecurity and negativity on my part. The night it happened she removed a promise ring I bought her and also a chain of mine I gave her. The fight happened April 6th and she's been very chilly ever since. No pet names, she doesn't say I love you at all. But insists we are still together and has opted to stay when I've given her the option to leave. She no longer calls me from her job when on break. She claims she just needs time to heal.

 

But my question is, will she ever put back on the jewelry I gave her? It'd give me great peace of mind

[mtnbiker3000]

Not sure what her intentions are at this point, but the best thing you can do is just chilax!! If you keep pestering her and coming across as needy and clingy, rest assured she will leave.

 

Sounds like she is just going through some sh*t she needs to go through. She may stay... she may not. You have no control.

 

I'd say you have two options:

 

1. Retreat and let her come back to you when/if she's ready

2. Counter strike and end it yourself

[lolablue17]

My gut tells me you can have it all back in a second.

 

All you have to do (that's what she's expecting you to do) is to totally surrender. Go to her, bring 10 bouquets of flowers, get down on your knees and say you are stupid, you love her so much.

 

Tell her she is right and you're wrong and you're sorry and you want to spend the rest of your life with her and you will bring her the moon, the sun and the whole universe. She only needs to ask for it...

 

Got the point?

[hoping2heal]

What planet are you on?

 

You wrote a day or so ago that since having sex with you, your girlfriend has expressed regret and says she feels traumatized about it. In the same post, you ask if she will still have sex with you. I mean I just don't even know how to respond to you because your actions are so unreal. Everything is about YOU. Will she have sex with you..will she put your ring back on. You, you, you, and you. You don't love this woman. You don't even treat her like a person.

[mtnbiker3000]

My gut tells me you can have it all back in a second.

 

All you have to do (that's what she's expecting you to do) is to totally surrender. Go to her, bring 10 bouquets of flowers, get down on your knees and say you are stupid, you love her so much.

 

Tell her she is right and you're wrong and you're sorry and you want to spend the rest of your life with her and you will bring her the moon, the sun and the whole universe. She only needs to ask for it...

 

Got the point?

 

Ohhh. I wouldn't do this...

[Strength in Healing]

I believe lola was being sarcastic mtn, and as for you hoping2heal, damn, you nailed it.

[mtnbiker3000]

I couldn't tell for sure...

[sooshi]

Is everything in your relationship about you?

 

You ask if she will have sex with you or if she'll ever put the jewelry. This is really all about you, and you really are that insecure. You aren't capable of being in a healthy relationship right now or any time soon. This relationship won't last if you continue to make this all about you (it's doomed anyway). I have no idea why you're engaged to someone when you think it's more important to have sex than to consider how she feels about the whole thing, or if her wearing some jewelry is more important than dealing with your insecurities and other issues that are preventing the relationship from being a solid one.

[Sgt. Pepper]

I simply don know how to deal.

As it is, I'm already going against my whole life's instinct by giving her space. But I worry my space will be misread as lack of care, or that space will cause her to drift further. When we talk I try to keep it casual, which is hard for me because I'm used to us being mushy. And we talk like just friends and I worry that that is what she will come to view me as. I do not know how to walk a boundary between giving space and seeming distant, between being casual and fried zoning myself. My inability to grasp these things and my inability to play the game along with impatience are what lead to insecurities.

 

How long will this take? How should I act? How long until she start saying she loves me again? I don't know these things. And I'm terrified by what I do t know

[d0nnivain]

You said in your other post that you have a trip planned in May to see her. Here's a thought: talk to her when you get there. Find out what's she is feeling. Ask why she felt traumatized by the sex. Ask why she took the ring off and what you can do to make her feel more secure.

[sooshi]

Give her space. Let her take control. By not giving her that space, you will most certainly come across as needy, clingy, and pushy. Give her space and time to sort out how she's feeling and where she's at in the relationship. If you really, truly care about her, you'll give her this time and space. Whatever comes from giving her this time and space is something you'll have to deal with. Reach out to her when only when she reaches out to you. Set this new boundary. Not giving her space and time shows that you're really only caring about yourself (which is how you seem to be with this).

 

Having someone tell you ALLLLLLLL the time that they love you wouldn't mean much to me. Let her say it when she feels it in the moment. Just because she doesn't say it, it doesn't mean she doesn't care. I feel like your entire well-being is dependent on her validating you, and that is very tragic if it's true.

[KaliLove]

I simply don know how to deal.

As it is, I'm already going against my whole life's instinct by giving her space. But I worry my space will be misread as lack of care, or that space will cause her to drift further. When we talk I try to keep it casual, which is hard for me because I'm used to us being mushy. And we talk like just friends and I worry that that is what she will come to view me as. I do not know how to walk a boundary between giving space and seeming distant, between being casual and fried zoning myself. My inability to grasp these things and my inability to play the game along with impatience are what lead to insecurities.

 

How long will this take? How should I act? How long until she start saying she loves me again? I don't know these things. And I'm terrified by what I do t know

 

Are you you working on your control freakery at all?

[hoping2heal]

I simply don know how to deal.

As it is, I'm already going against my whole life's instinct by giving her space. But I worry my space will be misread as lack of care, or that space will cause her to drift further. When we talk I try to keep it casual, which is hard for me because I'm used to us being mushy.

 

Okay, again I will ask you. What planet are you on? Where are you?

 

Do you really believe that your biggest priority of the moment should be whether or not your attempt at "giving space" will work out in your favor?

 

This woman has expressed regret and she is being distant. Instead of you saying to yourself "Gee, why does she feel regret? Why is she saying she feels traumatized?" Or how about this..is it not kind of obvious to you at the moment that something is very wrong? But no, you just steamroll right over the concerns and revert back to yourself and your wants and needs.

 

Could this be the big problem the woman is having with you? By George, I bet that it is.

 

I gave you the benefit of the doubt way back when because I thought you really had grown to love this person and in spite of the odds you had an interest in getting things to a truly healthy and loving place. It's clear to me that's a no.

 

And we talk like just friends and I worry that that is what she will come to view me as. I do not know how to walk a boundary between giving space and seeming distant, between being casual and fried zoning myself. My inability to grasp these things and my inability to play the game along with impatience are what lead to insecurities.

 

How long will this take? How should I act? How long until she start saying she loves me again? I don't know these things. And I'm terrified by what I do t know

 

Until you quit objectifying this woman I think she is going to continue to drift further and further away from you. You think she can't tell that you look right past her?! You are not in a mentally healthy place right now. I'm not saying that to be critical. You need to go back and read your posts. Your teetering on the edge of something not good at all.

[Sgt. Pepper]

We decided against the trip. Not now. She's not ready.

I don't text her unless she texts me first, same with calls. Before the last ew days I was needy as hell and smothering asking her what she felt, where I stand, waking her up cause I was crying. And all that did was make her more and more distant so I decided to give her space. All I can do is give her space an time and hope that heals the wounds. I am very self centered but for her sake I am trying to work on it. She's a person not a robot. Things aren't going to be back to normal overnight or in two weeks or mayb even in two months. She has a lot of issues with me and us that she has to work over. Losing her virginity to me. Dealing with all my baggage and insecurities. Dealing with my family drama. Frankly it's very surprising she's still with me. Says a lot about how much she does love even if she doesn't say it anymore.

 

I am indeed a very flawed, selfish guy. With a lot of issues. But I'm trying to go against my programming, the very way my brain is wied, because I do love her, Nd because I do want to be a better man to her, I want to treat her kind and protect her even from my own flaws. I never tried to change even just a bit for my exes.

[hoping2heal]

"She's a person not a robot"

 

Right. So why is it so difficult for you to think about her feelings at all??

 

I mean this is baffling.

 

Do you honestly not realize you are using her and not loving her?

 

I'm sure to you I just come across as this snarky super bitch. Sometimes I'm tough. A hard ass. This is true but I'm not saying this just to randomly throw mud at a member of LS. The nicest thing anyone is going to tell you all week is what I'm telling you. Because if you heed it then just maybe, you will have a shot at a loving relationship one day. This thing is imploding whether you realize it or not. She's distancing herself from you and all you can see is the "love she has". She probably doesn't know how the hell to deal with you - so refusing visits and distance is the best she can do at the moment.

[sooshi]

Sgt. Pepper,

 

I know it's probably very, very uncomfortable, but why not take time to be on your own for a good while to work through your issues so that you can give your best to someone? hoping2heal is right: This thing is imploding.

 

You need to let her be. I know that is so hard, considering your vastly deep attachment to her. But let her be. Just reading your posts makes me want to distance myself from you because you sound so very desperate, but I respond because I think you need to hear things that you surely don't want to hear.

 

This relationship isn't going to work out. She is probably distancing herself because she doesn't want to be in this anymore; the fading out. I know that hearing this must hurt, and for that I am sorry, but you need to consider this a possibility.

 

Nobody who truly respects themselves would say in this relationship. It is full of chaos. Being put on "probation," a partner getting upset when they think the other has changed their own passwords, and all of the insecurities that surround this. This isn't marriage material, Sgt. Pepper, and this isn't life-partner material. Not even close. I know you don't mind the dysfunction. I think you care more to just simply BE in a relationship, no matter how bad it is.

 

And this makes me sad. Can you truly not see how much stress this relationship is causing you? A healthy relationship wouldn't do this. You need to be on your own for a (long) while and work through your issues. Like said, you want to give your best, and your partner deserves the best. Neither of you is giving anything close to your best, and this is all disintegrating.

[spiderowl]

I simply don know how to deal.

As it is, I'm already going against my whole life's instinct by giving her space. But I worry my space will be misread as lack of care, or that space will cause her to drift further. When we talk I try to keep it casual, which is hard for me because I'm used to us being mushy. And we talk like just friends and I worry that that is what she will come to view me as. I do not know how to walk a boundary between giving space and seeming distant, between being casual and fried zoning myself. My inability to grasp these things and my inability to play the game along with impatience are what lead to insecurities.

 

How long will this take? How should I act? How long until she start saying she loves me again? I don't know these things. And I'm terrified by what I do t know

 

Sounds to me like she doesn't trust you and can't move forward at this point. I doubt she will again. People go cold and then drift away. It rarely works the other way round. If I were in your situation, I would not see a point in continuing with her because I'd know I'd blown it.

[Sgt. Pepper]

If she truly wanted out she would've taken the numerous times I've offered her an out. At many crossroads I've told her point blank that if she wants out I would understand and wouldn't hold it against her.

 

She and I are two dysfunctional people. We both come from dysfunctional families and neither of us witnessed healthy relationships on the part of our parents. My father is a drug abuser and emotionally abused my mother and me. And my parents have a strange love/hate/obsessive codependent relationship. Her parents barely talk and her dad sits on the couch all day while her mother works. I have a natural inclination to be like my father, and I realize it. I grew up seeing my dad treat my mother terrible as thre never being any consequences. And with exes, I was even worse than I am now.

 

The fact is, I do love her and that is why I am trying to change. I want to be a better man to give her my best. She's stuck with me when sh could've easily left a long time ago. She's a complex person. We have a deep understanding of each other but sometimes she is hard to read because se doesn't express or articulate her feelings well, and other times buries them.

 

Where I talk too much, she talks too little.

Where I overthink things, she goes with the flow

Where I am introspective, she doesn't think on that level at times

Yet we read each other like a book. I've even so blinded by fear and selfishness the last few weeks that it's clouded my judgement and my way of treating her.

 

I don't want to be my father or hers. I want I be the best parts of me, that she fell in love with.

 

She is back to calling me boo, at least tonight. Still not saying she loves me.

[Simon Phoenix]

If she truly wanted out she would've taken the numerous times I've offered her an out. At many crossroads I've told her point blank that if she wants out I would understand and wouldn't hold it against her.

 

She and I are two dysfunctional people. We both come from dysfunctional families and neither of us witnessed healthy relationships on the part of our parents. My father is a drug abuser and emotionally abused my mother and me. And my parents have a strange love/hate/obsessive codependent relationship. Her parents barely talk and her dad sits on the couch all day while her mother works. I have a natural inclination to be like my father, and I realize it. I grew up seeing my dad treat my mother terrible as thre never being any consequences. And with exes, I was even worse than I am now.

 

The fact is, I do love her and that is why I am trying to change. I want to be a better man to give her my best. She's stuck with me when sh could've easily left a long time ago. She's a complex person. We have a deep understanding of each other but sometimes she is hard to read because se doesn't express or articulate her feelings well, and other times buries them.

 

Where I talk too much, she talks too little.

Where I overthink things, she goes with the flow

Where I am introspective, she doesn't think on that level at times

Yet we read each other like a book. I've even so blinded by fear and selfishness the last few weeks that it's clouded my judgement and my way of treating her.

 

I don't want to be my father or hers. I want I be the best parts of me, that she fell in love with.

 

She is back to calling me boo, at least tonight. Still not saying she loves me.

 

She hasn't taken the out because she's probably afraid that you are going to have a breakdown if she does. Honestly dude, you don't seem very stable. She's hoping that if she keeps fading away and keeps putting off meeting that you'll get the hint without her having to deal with the awkwardness of you flipping out.

[Sgt. Pepper]

Sounds to me like she doesn't trust you and can't move forward at this point. I doubt she will again. People go cold and then drift away. It rarely works the other way round. If I were in your situation, I would not see a point in continuing with her because I'd know I'd blown it.

 

She did say she is willing for us to meet at the end of Mayh or early June and asked me to pick a date.

 

What I relate this to is a couple who went through a very traumatic fight and separation and there is as certain awkwardness about how to restart.

[Sgt. Pepper]

She hasn't taken the out because she's probably afraid that you are going to have a breakdown if she does. Honestly dude, you don't seem very stable. She's hoping that if she keeps fading away and keeps putting off meeting that you'll get the hint without her having to deal with the awkwardness of you flipping out.

 

I assured her I'd be fine.

She is the one texting and calling me at this point. She is the one being proactive in communication. She said for me to pick a date between the end of May and early June. That she feels by then she'll be healed. She has told mutual friends that we're fine. That she just needs to heal.

And as far as her not trusting me, I has to work to earn it back.

[sooshi]

Do you think you would be fine if she left? Do you think she believes that?

 

You've been showing us that you wouldn't be fine. You're still in the relationship and you're not fine. You worry incessantly about what she does or doesn't do and how it will impact you. Will she ever put your ring back on? Will she ever have sex with you? ... Those aren't questions that come from someone who is fine, or who truly thinks their relationship is fine.

 

You're not fine right now, which is why I wouldn't blame her for being distant if she is trying to fade away. If you're THIS scared and worried and insecure while still in the relationship, it's painful to imagine what you'll be like when the relationship comes to an end. And since you seem like you're going to stay no matter what, it'll be her who leaves. I hope the days of making yourself not eat and being severely dehydrated because she *almost* left are over, because if not... then I truly worry about what will happen when she leaves.

 

You're not fine, Sgt. Pepper. I think you know this on some level. This is not intended to hurt you, but to help you see. Because you don't seem to see, not really anyway. Your posts show very clearly how far away you are from being fine.

 

You really need time to yourself, to be happy with yourself. Your relationship is suffocating, and so are the both of you. I encourage you to really take in what others have said throughout your threads and to see the reality of what's going on in yourself and in this relationship.

[Sgt. Pepper]

Warm sweet sheets do not comfort me

The light of the moon lends me no security

This empty bed is but a place of sadness here to be

No hearth of fire can grant me warmth,

No hot shower's stream can relax and nurture me

No crisp dry leaves fallen down from the tree can give me love or bring me peace,

Nothing else but thee

 

In the night I miss your voice

And I think of all my misspoken words and every poorer choice

I miss the care and affection you shower me

Alone here in the night

With nothing but sweet memory

Nothing in this life does comfort me

Nothing else but thee

 

I miss the way you cling to me,

You the koala and I the tall bamboo tree,

I miss the way you sing to me

Like an angel's song with the purest, simplest melody

I miss your eyes that sparkle and shine,

With the truest sky blue gleam

 

I miss the chestnut flow of your hair

Curled like gentle waves upon the sea

I miss your words of tenderness and care

How I wish you to be here right next to me

I miss your sweet songs, your seashell voice, softly strong, that keeps this remorseful heart beating on

I miss your scent and your touch

Oh I miss you so very very much

In the night I feel empty, regretful and alone

Our love it seems is truly my only home

In the night I can find no solace and no peace,

No peace on earth, no none else belongs to me,

Nothing else but thee

[sooshi]

I hope you're not going to show that to her.

 

If I had a partner and he wrote something like that to me, it'd be a huge red flag for me. I would know that this is not the right person for me.

 

She doesn't belong to you. She's not your slave and you're not her master. You make it sound like she's the the entire reason you live, but she's really not. You're needy and insecure, but you know this. This poem has NOTHING to do with her, but has everything to do with your insecurities. You've just latched onto her as your saviour, when in actuality, she's going through her own healing and she can't save you... not now and not ever.

 

You make it seem like this girl is your whole world. Remember when you were engaged to someone a couple of months before you met her? You didn't even know this girl existed and you could still breathe, still be at peace, still do this and the other thing. You lived, you survived. This relationship isn't about loving and caring; it's about feeding your insecurities with even more insecurities (although you may not realize it).

 

If you look at the poem, it's all very generic. Her touch, her scent, the way her hair flows. Sure, you can like these things, but it's not what builds a relationship. Not one of depth and fortitude anyway.

 

As far as I can see, you're not in a relationship with this girl. You're in a relationship with trying to appease your insecurities, but what's happening is that they're getting to the forefront because none of this is actually fulfilling. If it were, there wouldn't be this massive void that you're depending on her to fulfill. This is for YOU to work through. This is your responsibility. Your happiness is your responsibility alone.

[MidwestUSA]

You ended an engagement in May, and in short order were engaged to this current gf.

 

Can you tell us how that happens? Why move things at warp speed? Do you think you're moving too fast because of your insecurities?

 

 

Fiancées aren't acquisitions.