Will she ever put back on my ring? [update]

[BC1980]

All I desire is a clear cut answer, either:

 

A) 'We are together and I still want to be with you, I just need some time.

B) 'We are not together and we won't be ever again'

 

I understand, but, just because you want something, doesn't mean it's going to happen. You can't force another person to do anything, so you can't force her to answer either A or B. It's up to you to make a move and get out of the holding pattern.

 

I was in a situation quite similar actually. When I talked to my ex 6 months ago, he still had my engagement ring and was saying that maybe it could work out in the future. He said he wouldn't sell it back or get rid of it because he just needed more time and all this other BS. So I do understand your dilemma. I was like you for months. I waited around for him to make a decision. I told myself I wouldn't walk away unless he sold the ring back or flat out told me we would never have a future. Guess what? I have no one to blame by myself for the time I wasted.

 

I went NC 6 months ago, and it was such a good decision. My ex was such dead weight, and yours is too. She is smart though. She effectively has you on a leash, and you are sitting there waiting. You are gambling your life away at this point on someone who is totally unworthy. It's up to you. Go NC.

[BC1980]

No, NICE GUY SYNDROME is your weakness. Go read No More Mr. Nice Guy.

 

 

You're getting trampled on like a damn shameful TOOL. Sad and pitiful. INCREDIBLY pathetic. She will be HAPPY to use you, while she sleeps with other guys.

 

Have a nice day.

 

For real. She obviously has no trouble hurting the OP, and he just takes it.

[Strength in Healing]

For real. She obviously has no trouble hurting the OP, and he just takes it.

 

 

That's why the OP will NEVER get what he wants.

 

He thinks by being overly kind and acting a certain "kind" way, he will get his needs met.

 

How's that working out for you, Pepper?

[mtnbiker3000]

That's why the OP will NEVER get what he wants.

 

He thinks by being overly kind and acting a certain "kind" way, he will get his needs met.

 

How's that working out for you, Pepper?

 

Agreed. "No More Mr Nice Guy" is a great resource. I'm reading the book now and actually found a support group based on the material. We meet on Sundays

 

I think the material in this book would be of huge help to you. Because the next woman in your life will end up doing the same thing. It's not them, it's you...

[FredJones80]

How's that working out for you, Pepper?

 

 

This I think.

[Simon Phoenix]

Now,

1) she still calls me from her work at break and is calling me boo an darling

But

2) we only talk for an hour or two, later in the day. Let's say she gets home from work at 6pm...I won't hear from her til at least 8 or even 10 or 11. Then after an hour or two at 1130 or 1230. She'll say she's going to bed....at which point shell just be on YouTube and googling crap till 4am.

 

Every girl I know, none of whom know each other, who hav been told the situation, are all in agreement on the following:

 

-I gave her too much power in the relationship and now she does not respect me. Tw only way too regain her respect is to be cold and distant myself and not as readily available.

-That while I was wrong in being insecure, she now is being unfair toward me. Not willing to just break up with me if she wants me gone, cotinuingto give me mixed messages after a month and a half, making me feel like low or no priority then getting mad when I get upset.

 

Even my therapist, who is a female, agreed with that. She's known the relationship from it's beginning and thinks that subconsciously she is making me pay for the way I acted, that subconscious this is a game to her.

 

So, I confronted her by text last night.

 

'Im gonna be honest with you, I miss you horribly. I miss watchin movies with you, hearin you be cute with me, and I hate myself for ever doing anything stupid and I am sorry for it. All I want is for you to say you're my girl, that I'm your man and that's the way it's gonna stay. I miss how things were before the fight, the good parts. When you call me just tell me what's what either way. Don't be afraid that I'll freak out or something if you're gonna say something I don't like. I just got to know what's what cause this last month has killed me inside, either way I respect your decison. Just tell me straight'

 

Her reply:

'As I've said from the beginning

I need time and space

This is the same convo we've had a million times

With time and space we will eventually rebuild'

 

I've given her almost two months!!!! Why can't she just come out and say either we are together in her head, or not? I don't care ether way at this point. Before you say whatever, she is the one calling me. She calls me during her break at work, skypes me when she gets home. Outside of that text, I do not initiate conversation, she does. So it's not a case of where I keep calling her and not leaving her alone and she doesn't know what to do. I give her a wide berth of space. She's the one making contact, it'd be very easy not to talk to me. Her leaving me wouldn't hurt me, it's this game that is.

 

Why can't she just give me a straight answer?

 

Seriously. It's pissing me off at this point.

 

She doesn't give you a straight answer because she doesn't have to. She can have you in any way she wants to have you, and she's not going to give that up if you don't have the self-respect to make her make a choice.

[Sgt. Pepper]

How should I phrase it when I tell her to make a choice? I do not want to come off mean.

 

Also, she has a 50/50 chance of having melanoma. She had a suspicious mole removed and will get the results back next Tuesday. Should I wait till after then?

 

I don't want this to end, and the way I see it is we have probably moved from romantic love to committed love, which as said around here is commonly mistaken for falling out of love.

 

But we can't just talk for an hour and I end and deserve her respect. I just paid 1k for her education.

[mtnbiker3000]

How should I phrase it when I tell her to make a choice? I do not want to come off mean.

 

Also, she has a 50/50 chance of having melanoma. She had a suspicious mole removed and will get the results back next Tuesday. Should I wait till after then?

 

I don't want this to end, and the way I see it is we have probably moved from romantic love to committed love, which as said around here is commonly mistaken for falling out of love.

 

But we can't just talk for an hour and I end and deserve her respect. I just paid 1k for her education.

 

I think she has already made her choice. Now you just have to make yours...

 

And, you can't pay someone to love you. Forget the $1K and just don't give her anything else. For a big baller like you, $1k is nothin', right??

[Sgt. Pepper]

She just called me from outside her job, we talked six minutes it was kinda a stained convo cause I have a headache.

 

I think her choice is to have our relationship like this. Be with me but on her terms that seems to be her choice. I don't want it on my terms but on OUR terms.

 

I'm broke. I have 31 cents to my name.

[mtnbiker3000]

I think her choice is to have our relationship like this. Be with me but on her terms that seems to be her choice. I don't want it on my terms but on OUR terms.

 

Like I said, she made her choice. She's not going to give you an 'OUR' scenario... Now you have to decide if you want to be on the back burner or be done with it?

[BC1980]

And, you can't pay someone to love you. Forget the $1K and just don't give her anything else. For a big baller like you, $1k is nothin', right??

 

Are you thinking of the other dude who gambled away 700,000 dollars in one night? His user name is "atthepain."

[mtnbiker3000]

Are you thinking of the other dude who gambled away 700,000 dollars in one night? His user name is "atthepain."

 

Hahahaha. Yeah I was... Oooops

[BC1980]

How should I phrase it when I tell her to make a choice? I do not want to come off mean.

 

Also, she has a 50/50 chance of having melanoma. She had a suspicious mole removed and will get the results back next Tuesday. Should I wait till after then?

 

I don't want this to end, and the way I see it is we have probably moved from romantic love to committed love, which as said around here is commonly mistaken for falling out of love.

 

But we can't just talk for an hour and I end and deserve her respect. I just paid 1k for her education.

 

Like mntbiker said, she essentially has made her choice, but she's too weak to go through with it. In her heart, she knows she wants to leave, but some people have trouble following through with it for a variety of reasons. Either way it goes, she's not going to choose to be with you. If you give her an ultimatum, I can guarantee she will not choose you. If you stay in this holding pattern, I can guarantee she will not be with you. If you walk away right now, she's not going to chase you. She might keep contacting you, but it won't be for reconciliation.

 

People like your ex have an immense fear that they have made the wrong decision, no matter what the decision is. She can't make a decision to leave, and she can't make one to stay. It's pretty dysfunctional, and it's difficult to understand from my view point because I'm a very decisive person. Unfortunately, she is who she is, and the only way out is to break ties to these people. Other people keep ties because they want the ego stroke, or it's just plain difficult to let go. Even if she knows she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, she might be bargaining her own way into a friendship.

 

The bottom line is that we can't read her thoughts, so we can only guess. Her actions, however, are very clear, and she does not want to be with you. You don't need to give an ultimatum. Don't be that dramatic. You can do one of two things: go NC and don't tell her, or tell her you are done with this and please don't contact you again.

[lolablue17]

No guts - no glory!

 

She prefer the present situation on the present circumstances.

So, if you wish to change her preferences you should change the circumstances! Sorry man, you have to gamble on that.

 

Go on a date and start something new (not as a fake, with real intention). When she hears you're starting to move on, she will either 1. cut\reduce contact with you. 2. want you back. But be sure things will not remain as they are.

 

That is the way to gain power with her and stop being her doormat. It's a 50\50 risk. your decision.

 

(Remark - do it only for real. Be open, maybe you'll like your new date, you dont want to use people, right?)

Edited May 19, 2014 by lolablue17

[BC1980]

Also, she has a 50/50 chance of having melanoma. She had a suspicious mole removed and will get the results back next Tuesday. Should I wait till after then?

 

Well, that's not really your problem. I don't mean to sound callous, but part of breaking up is that you don't get the fringe benefits, such as a shoulder to lean on when things go bad. She's a big girl. I'm sure she has family, and she'll find a way to deal with her issues.

[ExpatInItaly]

Holy cats. After making it through all the pages in this thread, all I have to say is:

 

What. What in the WAT.

[BC1980]

Hahahaha. Yeah I was... Oooops

 

Both threads are similar unfortunately

[Sgt. Pepper]

She dumped me. And almost immediately after went on dating websites.

In a second convo, said she is confused and doesn't know anything and that we will discuss it on Thursday. And repeated how all she ends is space because she's so confused. Is confused and wants chocolate.

 

And yet also said how she's not see if she ever even loved me or if she just loved the gifts I gave her.

I have not slept at all and have no desire to even though I'm tired and have no desire or will to eat anything. I would like to die and be buried in the ground and have this series of failures I call a life, this painful joke, over with. I can't kill myself not in me, but I want to be dead. I'm dead on the inside.

10 months of giving all of myself, investing everything, spending t3k, paying for her education, for what? I have lost two friends over this including my best friend, have 30 cents to my name, an I want to die.

Edited May 21, 2014 by Sgt. Pepper

[FortunateSon]

I am sorry you are going through this. Take comfort in knowing that everything should be clear now, let this be a lesson to you for the future. Go total NC and start working on yourself...you will get through this!!

[BC1980]

She dumped me. And almost immediately after went on dating websites.

In a second convo, said she is confused and doesn't know anything and that we will discuss it on Thursday. And repeated how all she ends is space because she's so confused. Is confused and wants chocolate.

 

And yet also said how she's not see if she ever even loved me or if she just loved the gifts I gave her.

I have not slept at all and have no desire to even though I'm tired and have no desire or will to eat anything. I would like to die and be buried in the ground and have this series of failures I call a life, this painful joke, over with. I can't kill myself not in me, but I want to be dead. I'm dead on the inside.

10 months of giving all of myself, investing everything, spending t3k, paying for her education, for what? I have lost two friends over this including my best friend, have 30 cents to my name, an I want to die.

 

I honestly don't know what to say. Most of us have been where you are and had these thoughts. Feeling like a failure, wanting to die, feeling hopeless. Just don't contact her again okay?

[KaliLove]

That was incredibly harsh. I'm so sorry.

 

Don't do anything rash. Take good care of yourself ok?

[Sgt. Pepper]

Two days in.

She and I are supposed to discuss things tomorrow. She said she wants space and that with space we can overcome this.

Yet like I said, she said she's not even sure if she ever truly loved me or not. That most of her love was acting.

 

She claims confusion yet also claims she doesn't think I'm the one. I was on her okcupid account and she's already got a bunch of guys numbers and is telling them lies, like she said she's never been attracted to white guys (I'm white). She also claimed to have never done online dating before (she and I met online). She got a final gift from me (I ordered it weeks ago) in the mail today and was using the item as a conversation piece with a guy.

 

She has had a history of lying. When we first got together, she claimed she worked in an animal shelter, would come home with stories from the job, say how work was good etc...eventually I learned she hadn't worked for four months before I met her.

 

She lied and claimed she was NOT a virgin when I first got with her. She made up a whole story how she was in a relationship with a guy for two years, lost her virginity in the back of a car to him, that they dated for two years until he went away to college and cheated. Then recanted the whole story a few months into the relationship and said it was all a lie to impress me because I am pretty sexually inexperienced and she was worried I would think she is a loser for being a virgin.

 

I ignored these red flags and forgave them because I love her. If she calls me tomorrow and says we can stay together I will take her back. To be honest, even if she said or did the most horrible things toward me I would still love her. Ive tried talking to other women and while it felt refreshing and like a vacation, our relationship is home to me. I gave 150% of myself in this, every secret, every memory, I shared everyhing I love...that now I can't enjoy things I formerly loved because I made her a part of them and they remind me of her and us.

 

I really hope she calls and stays with me. I'll put up with anything and accept any terms.

[Sgt. Pepper]

Innthe past two days, I've only had cereal (yesterday) and a PBJ sandwich today. To think that all on her end might have been a lie? That as she said I was just a stupid learning mistake? All the sacrifices I made, all the hell I put up with, all the stuff I did for her, none of it means anything?

 

I live at my uncles house and my being with her alienated him that now in a month I need to find a place to live.

 

I paid for her college education 11 days ago an paying or it and buying her as much as I did has left me with 0.39 cents to my name.

 

I am obsessed with this yes, but only because I gave myself and my life entirely to her...only for her to have been acting the whole time and to be chatting it up with guys just hours later? I'm not mad at her at all or bitter, I just feel broken and defeated and lost

[mtnbiker3000]

I'll put up with anything and accept any terms.

 

If she does come back and you do this, she will be gone again in record time having lost ALL respect for you. Trust me that WILL make you feel even worse!!

 

I know it seems like your only option, but you have more. Options where you are in control of what you are doing and how you are feeling.

[Simon Phoenix]

I mean, this is just sad to read. I've read some pathetic things on here, but the last two posts from the OP take the cake. Not sure what can be said at this point.