Will she ever put back on my ring? [update]

[mtnbiker3000]

Dude. You both need help. Seriously!!!!

[KaliLove]

Mntbiker..I actually think they're kind of perfect for each other. Yeah, they're both nuts, but at least if they're together, they are out of the dating pool. Also, maybe they balance each other's crazy out. It's been known to happen. As long as they don't plan to have kids I think they should just go for it!

[Sgt. Pepper]

Mntbiker..I actually think they're kind of perfect for each other. Yeah, they're both nuts, but at least if they're together, they are out of the dating pool. Also, maybe they balance each other's crazy out. It's been known to happen. As long as they don't plan to have kids I think they should just go for it!

 

We do balance each other out.

If she wasn't in so much denial about her own issues she'd realize that. No one will ever understand us like we do. Other relationships might be easier, healthier, less work but I cannot see anyone understanding me the way she does and same goes for me with her. She would often tell me I know her better than she knows herself. She has a condition wherein she sadly likely cannot have kids.

 

She used to claim I 'loved her back to life' like te song. Now she's so bitter she doesn't even give me that credit anymore. Does no see any correlation between us getting together and her attacks subsiding and her getting out of bed even though she used to directly credit me for it. Now she says se had it in her all along. I've emboldened her ego and self esteem to the point that she feels above me I think. Or something. She sas she knows she has me wrapped around her finger.

Edited April 27, 2014 by Sgt. Pepper

[Brutus]

Not sure what her intentions are at this point, but the best thing you can do is just chilax!! If you keep pestering her and coming across as needy and clingy, rest assured she will leave.

 

Sounds like she is just going through some sh*t she needs to go through. She may stay... she may not. You have no control.

 

I'd say you have two options:

 

1. Retreat and let her come back to you when/if she's ready

2. Counter strike and end it yourself

 

That's so right. I just hope I had read this post before it was too late...

[Sgt. Pepper]

Thing is while she's started to make an effort to come backc like calling me pet names and calling me on he break at work, I still hear the distance an anger. She isn't fully healedd yet. This makes conversations awkward as it feels on my end like walking on egghslles. But it feels less tense now than it did even just a few days ago.

[mtnbiker3000]

Well, I hope you like eggs, cause this thing is only going to get worse...

 

Eventually one of you will see this is extremely toxic and no good for either of you. But by then, you will be so far in, you will have a very hard time letting go. Even worse than now. Much worse.

 

Good luck!!

[Sgt. Pepper]

Well, I hope you like eggs, cause this thing is only going to get worse...

 

Eventually one of you will see this is extremely toxic and no good for either of you. But by then, you will be so far in, you will have a very hard time letting go. Even worse than now. Much worse.

 

Good luck!!

 

Why would it only get worse? If anything it's slowly gotten better....

[mtnbiker3000]

Why would it only get worse? If anything it's slowly gotten better....

 

That is an illusion. You think this because of how toxic this is, and how 'screwed up' you are (no offense). Trust me, everyone else who has read this knows exactly what is going on and exactly what will happen. Sadly, you are the only one here who can't see it...

[Sgt. Pepper]

That is an illusion. You think this because of how toxic this is, and how 'screwed up' you are (no offense). Trust me, everyone else who has read this knows exactly what is going on and exactly what will happen. Sadly, you are the only one here who can't see it...

 

Ok tell me exactly what is going on and what will happen then?

[mtnbiker3000]

Ok tell me exactly what is going on and what will happen then?

 

Start on page 1 and read the following 5 pages of dialog. Very clearly spelled out by me and others...

 

But, just to summarize. You and your 'ex' are both in desperate need of therapy. I'd speculate you both have severe low self esteem, codependency and probably other, more serious personality disorders. You thrive off of each others dysfunction. It's a ticking time bomb. Extremely toxic and damaging.

 

And, in the end you will be so hurt, angry, depressed and just beatin' down by this I wouldn't be surprised (or the slightest bit happy) if you are back on here in a few weeks/months/years talking about suicide because of the extreme pain you are now in...

[Sgt. Pepper]

Start on page 1 and read the following 5 pages of dialog. Very clearly spelled out by me and others...

 

But, just to summarize. You and your 'ex' are both in desperate need of therapy. I'd speculate you both have severe low self esteem, codependency and probably other, more serious personality disorders. You thrive off of each others dysfunction. It's a ticking time bomb. Extremely toxic and damaging.

 

And, in the end you will be so hurt, angry, depressed and just beatin' down by this I wouldn't be surprised (or the slightest bit happy) if you are back on here in a few weeks/months/years talking about suicide because of the extreme pain you are now in...

 

Even if this is the case, all I want is help making it work. That's all I'm asking for on here. Not opinions on whether I should be in this relationship or not. Just how to make it work. What can I do to help remove her anger and distance? I feel like she loves me but it is restrained by a Great Wall of anger and hesitation.

[mtnbiker3000]

Even if this is the case, all I want is help making it work. That's all I'm asking for on here. Not opinions on whether I should be in this relationship or not. Just how to make it work. What can I do to help remove her anger and distance? I feel like she loves me but it is restrained by a Great Wall of anger and hesitation.

 

That's the problem... There is nothing anyone can do or say to help you make it 'work'. It can't work... So, instead everyone is trying to make you see the futility in beating this dead horse...

[Sgt. Pepper]

That's the problem... There is nothing anyone can do or say to help you make it 'work'. It can't work... So, instead everyone is trying to make you see the futility in beating this dead horse...

 

But why not?

Why can't ANYTHING make it work?

I think you People need to put aside your personal objection to the relationship. Every battle can be won with the righ strategy

[Simon Phoenix]

But why not?

Why can't ANYTHING make it work?

I think you People need to put aside your personal objection to the relationship. Every battle can be won with the righ strategy

 

Relationships aren't battles. You want to manipulate someone into loving you, which is one of the most selfish things you can do. You don't seem to care about this person's wants and needs, you just want her to feel the way you want her to feel. You reek of self-centered neediness.

[mtnbiker3000]

Have you noticed how every single response has basically said the same thing?? That's because everyone on this board has lost someone once special to them. If there was a method, technique or trick to get them back, or make it 'work' we would all be happy campers. But that's not how life works. Life is sometimes challenging and unpleasant. It's how you respond that makes the difference. Right now, you are trying to take the easy, lazy way out. Time to man up and do this the right way. Cut your losses and start to work on your issues. You will never be happy until you start to work through the root causes of your dysfunction. Another person, especially another dysfunctional person, cannot help you.

 

Or, I guess you could try a spell caster...

Edited April 27, 2014 by mtnbiker3000

[Sgt. Pepper]

Time heals all wounds.

First of all, she does love me. She's not an ex. WE did no break up. Came very close and she decided to stay. She is mad and not extending her full emotions toward me because of several months of crap on my end. All I want to know is what can I do to show her that she's safe to extend herself full again, that I won't hurt her? She said her biggest feeling is apprehension. Which is understandable. I'm not asking for some magic spell or to manipulate her feelings. I'm askin what I alone can do to show her it's safe? To prove myself. That's all I want to know.

[mtnbiker3000]

I'm done...

[Sgt. Pepper]

No relationships shall exist except those which love shack users deem healthy

[KaliLove]

Dude, you have admitted that you and this chick are both severely mentally ill and completely untreated (minus the Xanax addiction). Two crazy people do not make a normal or a healthy relationship.

[hoping2heal]

How is wanting her to be my partner in life, wanting to encourage and take care of her and just enjoying who she is and her company making her a 'love object'?

 

So, let's have a lesson on humanizing and objectifying.

 

To humanize is to recognize and respect the autonomy, needs, and boundaries of another person. You care about the other person's feelings, their well being, etc.

 

To objectify (often called using) is when we value a person for their ability to provide us with some type of stimuli or gain. We don't think about their feelings, do not recognize their autonomy, etc. We only see them as mediums to satisfy us. This can be sexually, it can be in a relationship, there are Parents who do it to their children, it can be a business relationship.

 

Every thread you have written, is about you. There is nothing about her needs, her wants, or her desires. It is all about what you want, why you need her, what she does for you. You don't come here and ask us advice for how you can help your girlfriend with anything. You come here to ask us for advice and input about things that relate solely to yourself. You want her to be your life partner because it is what best suits you. You want her to be close and intimate, because it is what best suits you. You have never asked what might be going on that your girlfriend says she is traumatized by the sex, or that she is distant. You don't ask about her needs and your only priority are yours. It doesn't matter that you romanticize the objectification. It is no less objectifying this person.

 

 

I admit that some this fight I have become obsessive and out of touch. She, too, has retreated into a fantasy world since this fight. She's back to the same patterns she was in before we got together: staying up all night looking up fantasy scenarios about a k pop band member and sleeping in all day.

 

How does she work and hold a job or is that one of her lies? This girl is clearly very unwell and again, instead of being concerned for her wellbeing all you can talk about is when she will put the ring back on and when she will treat you the way you want, and when she will be okay to see you again and when she will have sex with you again.

 

If you were capable of relating to her as a human being, you would be worried about her (and not just when it threatens your relationship). You would probably even say to yourself "My God, am I doing the right thing dating this girl??" You wouldn't dare think about her wellbeing first though, because the answer would interfere with what you want. Objectifying.

 

 

 

The rational thing is that we will probably will stay together but our relationship will never be the same as it was before. And that's a good thing perhaps. Perhaps it will evolve to a more stable, more mature, lasting bond. Pet names, and saying I love you all the time does not a relationship make.

 

I had no idea how sick this girl was and now that I do know, I would say yes there is a chance of this dangling on the wire for awhile. She is too sick to make decisions about her wellbeing, and you would never encourage that she did because you and I both know what that would mean for you. Is it any coincidence that the woman you found just happened to also be someone who was so mentally unwell herself? I don't think it was.

 

The curtain and veil has been pulled back and we're seeing each other as real people, with all our flaws present. Now having seen this the question is will we continue? If yes then I believe the relationship will be very strong and very healthy.

 

2 people who suffer from mental illness and happen to meet is not fate nor is it any kind of sign of a healthy relationship or loving one. I don't say this to you to be mean and I realize that mental illness is often misunderstood and greatly stigmatized in our culture. The ironic thing is, you don't see her as a person at all. As for her, who knows how she interprets your "flaws" though I'm not sure calling illness should be put in the same category as a flaw.

 

We both have many personal issues, disorders we need to work through. I know many of mine. I am OCD, I am probably borderline personality, I am probably a sociopath to an extent. She does not feel sh has any problems. That I am the damaged goods, not her. She does not recognize that not wanting friends and staying home all day is not normal or healthy.

 

I hate that term damaged goods. You are both ill, but neither of you are damaged goods. You COULD be healthy, that is an option. Neither of you have to stay sick.

 

When we first got together, I was wthout ambition, jobless, never had had one, and was on a high dose of Xanax. She was jobles, bed bound, having attacks of hypochondria every night. But together we overcame those. We both got jobs to grin workin toward a future together. I slowly came off the medicine. Her attacks became less and less frequent with my patience and my understanding until they vanished. She got out of bed.

 

You have talked about quitting your job already. Is she still working? She has returned to being bound and staying as far out of touch with reality as possible. You are really painting the roses on this tale and not being accurate.

 

I don't wish to demonize either one of you. There is a big difference between illness and being a ****ty person. It's clear you are both ill and need treatment, not that you're inherently bad people. I know you came out of a horrible situation from your upbringing, and the similar type of trauma is probably responsible for shaping your girlfriend.

 

If we could help each other with those surface issues, we could overcome the deeper ones toether.

 

The type of help you both need, is not going to come from one another. As it is, the two of you have just roped the other into a further dysfunctional and sick cycle carousel.

[Sgt. Pepper]

Well, why do you think she is traumatized? I have asked her herself and she has said various things, she doesn't know why or that we should've waited or that sh was unhappy with the place and time or that it was impulsive on our parts. She's not the most comfortable expressing her feelings on anything an when I try to dig deeper it just annoys her.

 

I believe and she to an extent believes that she might have been molested. She has alway had very big issues with sexuality. Before we met she had a tumblr dedicated to porn pictures and saying dirty things. She at times in her past wanted to be a hooker and a stripper and even had a stripper name planned out. She was hyper sexual as a child and enjoyed being spanked by her mother. She wet the bed well beyond her teen years an still does at times. Long before we met she was on sites looking for a sugar daddy and sites for dating a millionaire.

She lied to me and claimed she was NOT a virgin because she was worried I would think she was a loser since I've had sex with several women before her.

 

I have at times tried to get to the root of her feelings but she has a hard time expressing her emotions an even understanding them and will clan up. I've always worried about her but she's never really wanted to talk about her issues and nowadays believe she's fine.

 

I always wanted to protect her from the world in a sense because given how inexperienced she is and how naive she can be I worried that she would've gotten with someone much worse than me. After we had been together a while I realized she had certain psychological similarities to my mother and that only made me want to care for her more.

 

Why does she feel distant? Yes I was insecure an anther ing but she had said she never could be herself in her life before me. It got to the point she was even comfortable going to the bathroom in front of me.

 

why doesn't she want to have friends and a normal social life? She did at one time long before I met her. But she doesn't care now.

 

A part of me has always wanted to help her an take care of her and protect her. But I've made her ego so big she feels he doesn't have any problems outside of some anxiety.

 

In much of our early relationship she would have panic attacks where she was convinced she was having a stroke or a heart attack and that she was dying. These attacks would last for an hour or two and is have to convince her she was not. I suffered with severe hypochondria myself before I met her which is what led to me bing on Xanax. My own father was very not understanding and called me a neurotic bitch. When my girl would have her attacks I would Beverly logical patient and kind. I's try to treat her the way I wish I had been treated when I had my attacks.

[loveandwar]

I have read many replies by hoping2heal, mtnbiker3000 and sooshi and honestly some of the help and advice you give people on here is amazing, i only found this threat about an hour ago and i tried to read as much as i could from page 1 to 5.I had spotted it before but never really delved into it, but for this particular thread i really feel sorry for the OP. The advice you are giving him yes may be correct, his relationship may have flaws, but its like a battering of the people who have all the knowledge vs. the OP. I suppose in a way its nice that advice is being given and the thread is not being ignored, but from a totally neutral standpoint, it just seems a bit much. Im too young to join in on the discussion about a relationship of this calibre or length (mainly the idea that marriage is involved), Im a very long way away from that. I did feel the need to post though and say that although you give great advice, and at times harsh reality is needed. From page 1 to page 5 here, the comments have had more than just harsh reality in them. I can tell your getting annoyed at the OP, i can that same frustration is starting to shine through in his responses. Its the first thread I've come across on this forum where it has happened. I don't have a solutionhttp://www.loveshack.org/forums/images/red/smilies/redface.gif, but even though i don't necessarily agree or side with the OP on his outlook of certain things i think its reasonable to say that the responses he gets should be courteous. Everyone has the right to an opinion, and the right to voice it, but the way in which its done makes all the difference.

[Sgt. Pepper]

I think I may need to let her go.

I do believe she and I have a future. But I think it was the perfect relationship perfect pair at the wrong time. I have a lot I need to work on both personally and career wise. Maybe if I take a year alone and work on these things to be a better person I can come back to her and make it work. Miss do think she loves me but I don't think she cares anymore. I think all of my crap wore her out. She sees I am changing and maybe if I leave her wit that knowledge and come back when I am in a better place, maybe we will be then be one for good.

[Sgt. Pepper]

I've gone NC as of this morning. If as contacts me and misses me and whatnot then I'll stay with her. Thing is I never made her miss me I always am at her beck and call that maybe she takes me for granted. Maybe she doesn't care. Going NC and seeing her reaction will be a good test I suppose.

[Sgt. Pepper]

My girl claims to be indifferent now, yet says wen she feels things toward me,!its mostly anger, disappointment, annoyance and hurt. Which sounds to me like the opposite of indifference. If I was indifferent to someone I wouldn't feel let down or angry. She also said she wanted me to delete all photos I have of her including just regular selfies she sent to me and even photos from our dates. Said two different things: one she feels we are starting over fresh in a new relationship together and at another time said she doesn't want to remember any of these things and doesn't want me to have the memories either. That in time we will have new pictures and new memories. I've asked her multiple times if she's just wanted to call it quits and she's said no. Every time she's had a chance to leave she hasn't.

 

After a huge admission on my part, I admitted I was spyin on her google history becUse after we nearly broke up last month she was acting different and distant and I just wanted to know what was going on in her head .!5$497($ my spying I saw she admitted online she doesn't feel much of anything toward me anymore and also she was looking up things like what to so Korean guys like in a white girl, pictures of Asian and while couples, articles about the up an downsides of Asian male white female relationships, pictures of mixed race asian babies. I was wrong to spy but just wanted to know. After I told her she was furious. She told me not to contact her for a day and she would decide what is going to be. She reused to comment on her searches, saying people

Look up weird things at night, that even she doesn't know what she is doing, and refused to comment further, comparing ínto a cop finding drugs without a warrant. That anything she did wrong was null and void because of my means of finding it and that if you go looking for something you'll find something

 

She skyped me the next day and waited for me to speak. I apologized from the bottom of my heart. She said she decided we are to stay together but with the following conditions:

 

1) delete all pictures of me

2) delete all texts I've sent you and I am deleting my Facebook

3) I will likely never again trust you 100%

4) I will not love you fully until I see change on your part starting immediately.

5) if change is not immediate I am gone

6) any screw up be it two weeks, two months or ten years fr now I am gone.

7) we will never again have a sexual relationship as far as I can foresee it.

 

Those were her conditions. She said it would also take a lot of time and effort and a miracle on my part to bring her love back. But that the only reason she was still speaking to me was she sees that as a possibility if I change.

 

Ever since then, we've had an odd arrangement. She still calls me from

Work and updates me as she always did, comes home

And doesn't skype me or contact me until she's ready to, and them only skypes me for an hour or two, cuts me off at 11 claims to be going to bed, and we do not watch movies or shows together as we used to before all this. She has not been affectionate or mushy.

When we talk it is casual. However,'the one time I tested t out and tried to ignore her she kept contacting me through various means until I caved.

 

I still get her things. I just out down a grand to pay for her education. Then, without askin my permission, she went and used my card to buy shoes online. While not talking to me. I mean after that 11pm fe when she cuts me off. She half jokingly referred to my money as being hers at this point at one point earlier yesterday.

 

I had a friend listen in on a phone call between us to see if I'm just overthinking all this. She said my girlfriend sounds totally normal and happy with me and that I am overthinking it.