Will she ever put back on my ring? [update]

[Sgt. Pepper]

I should also add that in top of we alleged indifference she also says she resents me for a lot of things like taking her virginity. I don t think you can be truly indifferent yet feel hurt, let down, anger as resentment. I know my exes when they got to indifference that meant they felt nothing at all. Not even anger.

[No Limit]

I read only the last 2 posts and all I would like to ask is;

Why are you still in this freakshow?

[KaliLove]

You guys need to never speak to each other again.

[Sgt. Pepper]

Why? Explain please.

[Natsume21]

Why? Explain please.

 

I will, and unlike most people here, I will explain to you what's going on. Why?

 

Cause I was once like you.

 

That's right. Though the relationship still ended when I found out she had cheated, that didn't change my attitude.

 

I was clingy. I sensed the relationship was slowly deteriorating and I still didn't listen to my gut. Why? I was absolutely SO afraid of being alone because of who I was. I wasn't well off, jobless, and friendless cause I forsake all of my friends for her. Just like you have.

 

She was anti-social as well.

 

It started off as a loving relationship but turned into resentment...she started hanging out with her friends more and distancing herself from me, and I started to become clingier and not considering her feelings at all.

 

While she did cheat on me and lie about it, a part of me still believes she never intended to try to hurt me. Regardless, she did hurt me and when caught, she didn't seem to care. That was the icing on the cake.

 

But did I walk away? Nope. Why? Too afraid of being alone.

 

And that's it, Sarge. You're AFRAID to be alone cause in all reality, you see yourself as unattractive and feel that if you can't have her, no girl is going to want you. You can rationalize your so-called love all you want, but I've been there. I claimed that I loved her, and I did, but not in the end. All I cared about was that I wasn't alone, and that's why I clung so hard when I knew, but tried to deny, it was over.

 

She wanted to date others. Heck, the guy she said creeped her out all the time...ended up dating him behind my back. Girls never mention guys out of the blue like that unless they are interested in him. Seen it way too many times.

 

You got some issues. You might be a natural addict and you're addicted to having something you can control...like this relationship or your drug habit. Well guess what, you can't control the other half of a relationship. Just yours, and from the looks of it, this thing is over.

 

Girl's checked out, but she's scared that you'll do something to yourself that she doesn't want to feel responsible for pulling the switch.

 

True love is knowing that if someone were to walk out of your life, you'd let them, secretly hope they come back, and accept that while you didn't make them happy forever, you made them happy for a little while, wish them happiness, even if it hurts, and move on knowing that the chips will fall where they may as long as you move forward.

 

Life is more than a relationship. I learned that being single. There isn't a day where I don't think about her, but no matter how much we want to, all good things must come to an end.

 

Get off the drugs, stop being an addict, and stop going through life trying to get a high. Instead, make your own high.

 

Or at least get addicted to someone that isn't as destructive as this. Have you tried yoga or weightlifting?(okay, maybe lifting might be a bad idea for you.)

 

Point is, Sarge. Stand down, the war is over. The war should not have begun in the first place. Stop fighting for a lost cause.

 

I know it hurts. I've been there. I felt the sheer emptiness and loss of purpose without her. This persisted for weeks. And it was devastating.

 

But I got out. Life is gonna be hard, and relationships are just the tip of the iceberg.

 

It's over, soldier. Your relationship is over. If she wanted to fight, she will.

 

Chances are, she's into someone else. Kill that dangerous ego, and do the hard, unrewarding thing, and let her go, so that both of you can find people that make you happy and fulfilled, not insecure and alone while together.

 

Start seeing yourself as a catch. Unless you're rich and extremely handsome, dating is gonna be work. Heck, even the rich get divorced.

 

So try working on yourself and try to get back to who you were before you had a girlfriend.

 

Cause you seemed happier then. And people are attracted to happy people.

 

Well, at least confident people.

 

Sorry, Sarge, fight's over. Time to go home and rebuild anew.

 

--Natsume21

[Sgt. Pepper]

Here's where you're wrong:

 

I know very well I can get someone else. I have girls who already want me as it is. I'm a reasonably attractive guy and at y best I've got a pretty good personality. I can get other women. Thing is, I don't want to. With this girl for the first time ever I've felt at home. I've never felt the desire to be with another person so much. My most recent previous girlfrien lived with me for 7 months and even then I didn't love her anywhere near as much. I can't even explain it. I tend to believe in fate.

 

When I revealed the snooping to her, I thought it was over. I was sure of it. She was furious and told me I would hear from we the next day. Everyone I know was sure she was gonna end it that day. For the first time in my life I got on my knees and prayed asking God for help, guidance, for him to soften her heart so she would stay. I humbled myself and admitted to flaws and I said God, if you want us together, give me a sign. Just as I said that skype begun ringing and it was her. She decided to stay.

 

She knows full well I won't kill myself if she leaves. I told her it's this uncertainty that will kill me, if she left I would respect her decision. At this point I'm starting to get angry actually. Like **** or get off the pot. You can't have a 50% relationship it's either all the way or nothing. At this point if she said that's it it's over while I do not want it to end at all, I'd prefer it to bein half in half out.

 

For whatever reason she wants to remain in this relationship. I have told her point blank many times that if she wanted to go she wa free to. That she's not my slave. She has gotten angry and annoyed at that saying if she wanted to leave she would've left Lon ago or that if she wanted someone else she would be with someone else.

 

It's just a very weird situation. To be honest the in and out ness of it is stressing my mind much more than if she just said we are done.

[Strength in Healing]

Here's where you're wrong:

...Thing is, I don't want to. With this girl for the first time ever I've felt at home

 

 

Actually, Natsume is right.

 

You just changed the wording.

 

This girl made you feel at home. Translated, she made you feel comfortable, secure. You didn't want to lose that feeling. You didn't want to go back to being alone.

 

Just because other girls want you doesn't mean that you will get the security and trust that this relationship had. I have been in a relationship for over a month and a half with a great girl and don't feel the security I had in my last 4 year abusive relationship.

 

Natsume you continue to impress me with his insight. Perhaps you should follow a career in psychology.

Edited May 11, 2014 by Strength in Healing

[Sgt. Pepper]

Actually, Natsume is right.

 

You just changed the wording.

 

This girl made you feel at home. Translated, she made you feel comfortable, secure. You didn't want to lose that feeling. You didn't want to go back to being alone.

 

Just because other girls want you doesn't mean that you will get the security and trust that this relationship had. I have been in a relationship for over a month and a half with a great girl and don't feel the security I had in my last 4 year abusive relationship.

 

Natsume continues to impress me with his insight. Perhaps you should follow a career in psychology.

 

To be honest I definitely could have that same comfort. But thing is I just simply don't want it with anyone else. I could call up this or that girl and spark something new. Something which might even be easier and less turbulent. I just do not want to. I want this girl. If she left I wouldn't feel alone. When we took a two day break I felt relaxed. I ordered myself in some good, watched shows and did whatever. But it felt cheap. I realized I was lapsing back into the old habits I abandoned when we got together.

 

When I first met this girl, I had no motivation, I was very lazy never had a job. Was unhealthy and never went outdoors. That's why my last relationship ended the girl got tired of sitting in the house all day. This one motivates me to work, to better myself, because with her, I actually can see a future. It sounds stupid but the situation was the same with her ah was in bed jobless not caring about herself and our relationship put her back on her feet too. At our best in this we are each other's best friends and we lift each other up and encourage each other. I just dirtied the pool wih my insecure crap.

[hoping2heal]

I had a friend listen in on a phone call between us to see if I'm just overthinking all this. She said my girlfriend sounds totally normal and happy with me and that I am overthinking it.

 

From the same post:

 

She said she decided we are to stay together but with the following conditions:

 

1) delete all pictures of me

2) delete all texts I've sent you and I am deleting my Facebook

3) I will likely never again trust you 100%

4) I will not love you fully until I see change on your part starting immediately.

5) if change is not immediate I am gone

6) any screw up be it two weeks, two months or ten years fr now I am gone.

7) we will never again have a sexual relationship as far as I can foresee it.

 

Also from the same post:

I still get her things. I just out down a grand to pay for her education. Then, without askin my permission, she went and used my card to buy shoes online. While not talking to me. I mean after that 11pm fe when she cuts me off. She half jokingly referred to my money as being hers at this point at one point earlier yesterday.

 

Here's where you're going wrong. You need to post this to more people like your "friend" who thinks all of this is completely normal. You're not going to get the advice you want to hear, and I think we can all agree here that you're looking for what you want to hear and not what you need to hear.

 

Why not keep listening to that same friend? I don't mean to suggest you can't post on LS; just that I'm not sure I understand WHY you would do it. You aren't interested in hearing anything we have to say and you know damn well what our response to this **** show is going to be. This is beyond effed and you know it, we know it, the dialogue for you isn't going to change.

 

I agree she isn't indifferent towards you, she's worse. No respect for you or your boundaries or feelings either. Congrats, match made in "heaven" ? Resents you but happy to take your money. You think you can buy her love, that's sweet. You might not be able to buy her love, but you must by now have realized you can buy her cooperation. This is sweet, when is the wedding?

[Natsume21]

Here's where you're wrong:

 

I know very well I can get someone else. I have girls who already want me as it is. I'm a reasonably attractive guy and at y best I've got a pretty good personality. I can get other women. Thing is, I don't want to. With this girl for the first time ever I've felt at home. I've never felt the desire to be with another person so much. My most recent previous girlfrien lived with me for 7 months and even then I didn't love her anywhere near as much. I can't even explain it. I tend to believe in fate.

 

When I revealed the snooping to her, I thought it was over. I was sure of it. She was furious and told me I would hear from we the next day. Everyone I know was sure she was gonna end it that day. For the first time in my life I got on my knees and prayed asking God for help, guidance, for him to soften her heart so she would stay. I humbled myself and admitted to flaws and I said God, if you want us together, give me a sign. Just as I said that skype begun ringing and it was her. She decided to stay.

 

She knows full well I won't kill myself if she leaves. I told her it's this uncertainty that will kill me, if she left I would respect her decision. At this point I'm starting to get angry actually. Like **** or get off the pot. You can't have a 50% relationship it's either all the way or nothing. At this point if she said that's it it's over while I do not want it to end at all, I'd prefer it to bein half in half out.

 

For whatever reason she wants to remain in this relationship. I have told her point blank many times that if she wanted to go she wa free to. That she's not my slave. She has gotten angry and annoyed at that saying if she wanted to leave she would've left Lon ago or that if she wanted someone else she would be with someone else.

 

It's just a very weird situation. To be honest the in and out ness of it is stressing my mind much more than if she just said we are done.

 

 

 

I know very well I can get someone else. I have girls who already want me as it is. I'm a reasonably attractive guy and at y best I've got a pretty good personality. I can get other women. Thing is, I don't want to. Translation: I can attract girls but never the ones I want, so I'l settle for a half-assed relationship purely because my wanted options are so low or non-existant, that I'm willing to work out this relationship that I'm trying to convince is gonna work, when deep inside, it's deader than Michael Jackson.

 

When I revealed the snooping to her, I thought it was over.=just because your words say it's not over doesn't mean it isn't. Once snooping is involved, trust is gone, and once trust is gone, it's not a relationship. Just two people two afraid to let each other go.

 

She knows full well I won't kill myself if she leaves. With the way you're acting and not even considering letting go, you sound like you literally can't live without her. Maybe that's what's driving her away: your apparent desperation. A woman wants different things, but no one, not even a woman, can stand a man too scared to be alone. It's pretty sad, man. And you're too good for this.

 

For whatever reason she wants to remain in this relationship It's called "back-up" cause while you're making her a priority, SHE ISN'T. Trust me, if someone else catches her attention, (if they haven't already) you're history.

 

she's not my slave.

Then why is the thought that this relationship may not work out, or you leaving her, so hard to comprehend? You're treating her like your property. You say that she doesn't want to leave, but what do her actions say? If they said the same, you wouldn't be on her trying to get us to convince you of such.

 

It's just a very weird situation. To be honest the in and out ness of it is stressing my mind much more than if she just said we are done

 

Wanna be sure? Dump her. Call her up the very next day and dump her. Don't talk to her for a week. See how she reacts. If she cares about you, the react would be that she's practically begging for you to give her another chance. If she doesn't, chances are she wanted to dump you all along, but didn't have the guts to do it, so she's pushing you away to make you do it.

 

^Either way, this is not a weird situation. This is a guy who doesn't feel secure putting himself out there, and naturally, none of us did. But if you felt great about your relationship, you wouldn't have asked us.

 

It's dead, dude. I may be wrong, but chances are she's looking for you to pull the trigger and kill this off for good.

 

--Natsume21.

[KaliLove]

Why? Explain please.

 

Because there's nothing left to fight for. She doesn't love you. Not even a little bit. And you clearly don't love her either.

[KaliLove]

Oh and PS, a normal healthy woman does not resent a man she's supposedly in a relationship for taking her virginity. Something is VERY wrong with that.

[Natsume21]

I can bet my whole ass that someone else is in the picture and he fails to see that.

[Natsume21]

I will bet my ass that if he found that out he would excuse / justify that away too.

 

Nothing says I Love You more than a restraining order.

 

Got one on me before. Ex lied and said her parents did it.

 

 

She was still a cheater, but I should have been more mature and walked away while I had my dignity.

 

Trust me, he'll miss that dignity months down the line.

[Sgt. Pepper]

I will bet my ass that if he found that out he would excuse / justify that away too.

 

Nothing says I Love You more than a restraining order.

 

It's kinda hard to get a restraining order when she is the one contacting me. I do not call her or text her I let her come to me at this point. And she has been. The one time I ignored her she called and texted and got mad at me. If she didn't want me around it would not take very much effort on her part to make that happen. Block my number + Skype and I have pretty much no means of talking to her ever again.

 

As far as there being someone else? It's possible. But then again she is a girl who does not have ANY friends because 'having friends is too much work'. What I'm getting at is she might be still with me in part because staying with me is a lot easier than starting over fresh. Knowing her as I do that is likely.

 

I asked her about us last night, if we could try going back to normal. Se said for the foreseeable future going back to normal is unattainable, that that fight changed a lot, that I'm lucky she is still with me and should not press my luck. That normalcy will happen organically it cannot be forced.

[d0nnivain]

As far as there being someone else? It's possible. But then again she is a girl who does not have ANY friends because 'having friends is too much work'. .

 

Having friends is waaaayyyyy easier than having a relationship & a lot les work then being married.

 

If she is unwilling to be a good friend, you have to give some serious thought to whether she'll be a good lifemate.

[KaliLove]

Can you honestly not see how sick and insane this girl is? Like, certifiably insane. As in she needs to be institutionalized. Can you also not see what a freaking doormat you're being?

[Sgt. Pepper]

Can you honestly not see how sick and insane this girl is? Like, certifiably insane. As in she needs to be institutionalized. Can you also not see what a freaking doormat you're being?

 

Yes, she has just as many issues as me if not more.

She spends her nights looking up all sorts of obsessive fantasy stuff on a band in Korea. Stuff like how tall are they? What is their ideal type of woman? What do they do? Their theories on foreigners? She writes a description of herself and has herself 'shipped' with them. She basically describes her looks and personality and asks other k pop fans which member she would be best fit web relationship wise. It's a very unhealthy obsession.

 

Yes, I am her doormat. I fully realize that/ by choice. It's also kind of pathetic in that at this point I'm playing her ball without there being any benefit to this point for me. She has all the power in the relationship. The problem is, I do not know how to reclaim the power I once had. If I was to reclaim her respect she might be more open to me. As it is, right now, there's no chance of her going back to normal with me. Not even so much due to a lack of love as to

The way things are now is ideal for her: sh has a guy giving her attentiin, telling her he loves her, buying her things, supporting her emotionally and she does not have to put in any effort. Why should she change that now realizing I will put up with any crumb she offers?

 

She does have 'someone else' it's this K Pop band she is deeply obsessed with.

 

I believe me reclaiming power and her respect is the only thing that can noalize things. Showing her I will not just lay down and accept whatever she offers. The question is how do I do that without pissing her off? How do I make her worried she is going to lose ME?

[Sgt. Pepper]

Having friends is waaaayyyyy easier than having a relationship & a lot les work then being married.

 

If she is unwilling to be a good friend, you have to give some serious thought to whether she'll be a good lifemate.

 

She said friendship is too time consuming, that it's too much work and too much time to build and maintain those relationships. That she does not have the time for that sort of work. She has no interest in friendships. But the thing is, she has a lot of free time. She only works four days a week and is not doing anything else.

[KaliLove]

Yes, she has just as many issues as me if not more.

She spends her nights looking up all sorts of obsessive fantasy stuff on a band in Korea. Stuff like how tall are they? What is their ideal type of woman? What do they do? Their theories on foreigners? She writes a description of herself and has herself 'shipped' with them. She basically describes her looks and personality and asks other k pop fans which member she would be best fit web relationship wise. It's a very unhealthy obsession.

 

Yes, I am her doormat. I fully realize that/ by choice. It's also kind of pathetic in that at this point I'm playing her ball without there being any benefit to this point for me. She has all the power in the relationship. The problem is, I do not know how to reclaim the power I once had. If I was to reclaim her respect she might be more open to me. As it is, right now, there's no chance of her going back to normal with me. Not even so much due to a lack of love as to

The way things are now is ideal for her: sh has a guy giving her attentiin, telling her he loves her, buying her things, supporting her emotionally and she does not have to put in any effort. Why should she change that now realizing I will put up with any crumb she offers?

 

She does have 'someone else' it's this K Pop band she is deeply obsessed with.

 

I believe me reclaiming power and her respect is the only thing that can noalize things. Showing her I will not just lay down and accept whatever she offers. The question is how do I do that without pissing her off? How do I make her worried she is going to lose ME?

 

You can't. She's not afraid of losing you..frankly it actually sounds like she's trying to shake you off by making @sshole demands and treating you like garbage. The only thing you can do that doesn't make you a doormat is walk away for good.

[Natsume21]

Sarge, suppose this girl dies tomorrow.

 

What are you gonna do? Kill yourself?

 

Can you live without this chick?

[Natsume21]

Don't you get it?

 

No girl wants to go into a new relationship with the feeling that she was the bad guy that dumped a man cause she was a bitch. No, she'd rather play the victim so men would see her in a better light.

 

She's playing you, driving you away so you can pull the trigger so she can go on her business scot-free. She's certifiably insane [redacted]

 

You want to be miserable that's fine, but don't try to convince her of love. That's like trying to dig up a corpse and call it a living being.

Edited May 13, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Natsume21]

And for god's sake, if you're SO attractive, as you say you are, you wouldn't be sweating this chick so hard and asking for ways to reclaim power.

 

A man with options doesn't care about power games like this cause he always has numbers on the side.

 

Your faux attempt at tryna to sound like you think you're attractive betrays your actual actions.

 

You don't sound like a man with options, cause a doormat never has options, cause he's too busy being stepped on to go find other options.

 

Kid, the more you post, the more sad this is gonna look. When are you going to stop thinking with your heart and start thinking with your upper head?

[Sgt. Pepper]

Sarge, suppose this girl dies tomorrow.

 

What are you gonna do? Kill yourself?

 

Can you live without this chick?

 

To be honest, her distance has already worn me down. Yes I can live without her. If she were to die tomorrow I would focus on myself. There is a lot I need to work on personally, professionally and academically. I would just throw myself fully into bettering myself and getting my life back on track. I know at this point that AS IS this relationship is more of a drawback than a benefit. I stay in because I believe in her and the ability of things to go back to something approaching normalcy. And the least I can do for her after all the crap I put her though is make her feel worth it. She seems to want to play this game, as I said, she contacts me only, so I'll play it to whatever the finish is. The highest probability is that it won't be an ending I like. But I'm an optimist and hold out for miracles. I do not think us going back to a normal relationship is impossible but it's also not likely. It would take a lot of patience, effort and work on my part.

[Sgt. Pepper]

Don't you get it?

 

No girl wants to go into a new relationship with the feeling that she was the bad guy that dumped a man cause she was a bitch. No, she'd rather play the victim so men would see her in a better light.

 

She's playing you, driving you away so you can pull the trigger so she can go on her business scot-free. She's certifiably insane [redacted]

 

You want to be miserable that's fine, but don't try to convince her of love. That's like trying to dig up a corpse and call it a living being.

 

In all likelihood we are both playing Chicken. I'm not going to give her that satisfaction. I'll take this thing all the way to wedding bells if need be not to give her that satisfaction.

Edited May 13, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator